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Posted: January 6, 2015, 11:06 PM
Is this the place for this type of thread? I'm only here to tell my suboxone doctor something to write down on his chart as to not get audited. I've been on suboxone for two years. Reading these forums makes me feel like one f***ed up individual but i just cannot see how anybody could ever WANT too be sober? I'm on suboxone and i don't even pretend to go through the motions with my doctor. I don't go to NA, i don't do counseling. They both feel dirty to me. NA feels like a cult almost, so many people that are just going through the morons and are beingdishonest with themselves and others and therefore misleading people like myself. All the sayings repeated over and over, its not real life, its text book s*** and it doesn't help me. But then again i don't believe anything could, because i just don't want it. How do you begin to want to be sober?
The suboxone is almost like a time out or hiatus from opiates rather than something to get me off. The only reason i stopped doing opiates in the first place WA becausei didn't have the means to anymore. So i goton suboxone and told myself its okay, this is temporary. You'll get your degree, get a good job, and you'll be able to use on your ownaccount freely. I feel at this point i should mention i have a significant other that is along for the ride. Lets call him Tom. Tom first introduced me to opiates six years ago, we've been together ever since. We went to rehab at the same time, not by choice, and then decided to do the temporary time out suboxone for two years together. I have nobody else in life but him. I lost any friends i had when i went to rehab. Anyways two years suboxone, i almost have my degree, and we both have jobs. The means to do it again now, so that's what we did. We started using again back in November and haven't stored but on the weekendswhen were away from each other, we take suboxone. After bring out of the game for so long, it does almost feel like a pity too ruin that long sober, but not so much, because we had relapsed back in early 2014 as pat of a vacation as well, and then again in may of 2013, when we moved. Each one of those stints has lasted a month or soand then died out as whatever money we had began to be limited once more. Its never a big ordeal, we have the suboxone safety net. So if the same happens this time as well, it won't bethe end if the world. Maybe next tome will be the last time well have to go back to suboxone and we'll finally end this charade and be able to live in peace. My doctor never drops me, but the week we started heroin again, he randomly did, almost as of the universe just wanted a laugh at me. I haven't seen him since then, but Tom had and he didn't mention anything about me doing dirty to Tom, which wouldn't be unusual since he knows were together and and often talks about or relationship in the ten minutes he sees usa month. U suspect he may have just thrown it out without treating and it wad a scare tactic or just to please somebody investigating him, which i know for a fact if happening to him. Again, why i am here. He says if you don't go to na or counseling, you'll have to do online forums or something. I don't feel right directly lying (haha) so here i am. Won't hurt after all? Anyways part of my problem is that i have authority issues. Who are you to tell me to hand myself over to a higher power, doc?! I don't even have a higher power. Another thing is, ethically i see nothing wrong with drug use. Other critical background info that those who reply may find related: my dad is a drink, i suspect my mother of opiate use as well, hyper religious family and odd beliefs as well, late childhood heavy in sexual"abuse", if you wasn't to call it that, LGBTQ, weight issues, history of bulimia, and major anxiety issues. Sounds like i need a counselor? I distrust all counselors. One counselor made me cry, another came on to me, and yet another tools me that if i aborted my unborn child id be damned forever and i better give that child to the catholic church. I did abort it, so i guess I'm f***ed. I've seen about 10 counselors. I don't find it to be to helpful or progressive, even when they aren't morally demeaning | ||
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Posted: January 6, 2015, 11:09 PM
My post is rampant with typos, no i am not slumped over my keyboard, I'm on a phone with auto correct. I guess take your best guess.
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Posted: August 17, 2015, 5:36 AM
I totally agree with everything you said no one has ever said that more perfect !!
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 17, 2015, 8:23 AM
When I finally surrendered the fight and got on my knees and said "God help me !!" I soon found myself in the rooms of AA & NA. -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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