No More "parenting"
Posted: July 15, 2017, 6:38 AM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



Hi all,

I wish I could change my avatar name from parenting to "taking care of me".

I know you all understand. That is why I am here. I have tried everything I possibly can to help my 17yo son. He turns 18 very soon. However, it seems the laws here state that if he is still in high school at 18, it is like he is a minor. Anyway, he does not want help and sees nothing wrong his abusive behavior.

I went on vacation. During that vacation, he texted me that he might want help. Of course, I stopped my day and sent him numbers. Then...nothing. No answer, no text for days. I actually did a good job detaching but it hurt. When he finally texted he had been running around with these kids I thought he was done with. Very aggressive kids. He acted like he had never texted me about help.

I will be honest-I am afraid of this kid because he wants me to be afraid. He told his Dad that he tries to scare people to get his way. Apparently, his newfound friends do this.

Being away for a week was very refreshing and helped me get perspective. I need help for me and I need to get this kid out of my house. No one seems to be able to help with this process, as he is a minor. I think I am going to call a domestic violence place and ask for help. He is not physically abusive, but emotionally.

I have grieved long and hard that my son has become this person. I have spent time dreaming of him walking in the door a different person. But, it ain't happening. My grief, as I'm sure yours is, is bottomless. I love this kid, and his behavior is pure evil towards me. I have to not only detach but get him physically away from me. And, he won't go willingly. The crazy thing is that he is knows we cannot kick him out legally-so he can do whatever he wants. I asked the police and they said that is basically true, until he is no longer a minor. Even then, I would have to get a restraining order and call the police if he shows up. I am sure this kid is going to keep showing up.

So...sigh....life is crazy. My dad, before he died, had saved money for my son's college. He died when he was little. We would talk when he was little, dreaming of him going to college. Part of my grief is tied up in how much my Dad loved him. In some ways, I am so glad my Dad never saw this.

Anyway, guys-no more parenting. I have to start looking for resources for me. I have wasted too much time obsessing on resources for him-when he clearly is not ready.

I am still shocked how things have spiraled out of control in less than a year. I am tired of being afraid of what is going to happen next. Afraid of him. Afraid of his friends. Afraid of phone calls coming from police. Afraid of him being arrested. Afraid of him ending up dead. I need some distance!

Thanks for listening all!
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Posted: July 15, 2017, 8:26 AM


Posts: 506
Joined: April 4, 2016



Sending hug bear hugs, Parenting ..... you've written so eloquently how I felt when I made the intellectual and emotional decision to detach from my daughter's madness, to depart from HER circus, to disengage from trying to fix it or control it or even work with it (by giving lists of SLs, rehabs, etc.)..... but was still going to love so much that I loved her dirty drawers. It's a gut wrenching, heart breaking, life changing decision.... but it is also very freeing for you. You are reclaiming your life and sanity!!! You are getting off the roller coaster!! Good for you!!!

You will always and forever be his mom ..... and you will always and forever love him .... but you love yourself, too!!!! As much as you love him!!!

Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn
xoxo
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Posted: July 15, 2017, 9:05 AM


Posts: 845
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi Parenting, It is all so complicated. We can see the situation clearly and logically. They can not. My son is working, so he thinks as long as he is working, everything is fine. He thinks because he is taking meds that are legal, that its ok to self medicate. he does not see the $$ he is spending on it. his sneakers are not going to last long on his feet, but he rather buy drugs than shoes. at some point the people he works with are going to start wondering whats wrong w him. but he thinks he has it all under control. he also does not understand that the meds are causing his symptoms. he thinks he needs them. he does not understand the long term effects the meds are doing - shutting down his brain. I take $300 a month from his pay for his student loans. he blames me for taking his money. "that's why he cant save anything". he spends 2-3x that much on the street. it is heart wrenching for us parents to watch. I wish he didn't have a job, wouldn't need a car, etc.

about phone calls - a few weeks ago I told my son I would not dole out his $$ anymore - I was tired of the phone calls that were more frequent. so he spent $$ faster. 3 days leading up to his pay check, he called me once each day. I did not answer or return his calls. I will not be answering his calls from now on. He still stopped by the house a few times. but wont talk about money in front of dad. he gets me alone on the phone to ask. then he starts the conversation like he 'just calling to say hi". 20 minutes later he asks for me to transfer his $$. I have decided I will not answer any calls at any time.

It is a hard line. to still be in their lives but not get drawn into their stuff. my son's line used to be "call me back, I need to figure something out" or "can you help me with budgeting" he knows what to say to hook me in.

he did say he would go to a dr for meds once he has medical insurance... so now we have to wait for that, wait for him to make appointments, and on and on.... this maybe another line to keep me hopeful or attached to his wellbeing. he is not verbally or physically abusive - that makes it harder for us to turn our backs. we keep waiting for him to wake up!

while every day we live in fear, anxiety, sadness.

Parenting - you are doing the right thing. cut the ties as completely as you can.



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Posted: July 15, 2017, 9:48 AM


Posts: 410
Joined: August 28, 2016



Parenting--

I totally get what you are saying and going through! Went through same things with my Chris when he was 17 and living at home. I still continued enabling him and we even rented him an apartment to get him out of the house. Put it in our name and he and his friends trashed it and stuck us with a big repair bill!

I think you need to focus on you and set strict boundaries for him and if he moves out and with friends then so be it! He is almost 18 and he will be responsible for himself soon! I would let him know that the gravy train has left the station and there will be no more money or help until he is clean and got his life in order! The longer the path you are on continues --the longer you will be on that path and it will NOT end!

Trust me --I know and was on the same path until this year and I have a 46 y/o addict!!

You can do this and reclaim your life! No where in the parenting manual( really isn't one --haha) does it say we are to give up our lives as moms and give everything we have emotionally, physically, and financially to these kids!!

Sounds like you are making changes and on the right path!

((HUGS)) for you---Lori
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Posted: July 16, 2017, 9:17 AM


Posts: 436
Joined: August 4, 2015



P,
It's not easy to detach from our addicts or in some cases, completely turn away from them. In your case, because your son is only 17, I'm sure it's a hard decision for you but it's completely understandable. A 17 year old can still verbally abuse, mentally abuse, be violent, etc... You need to look out for yourself. I understand being afraid of your son. There have been times that we were very afraid of ours. When he lived with us, there wasn't a door in our house that didn't have a hole in it, all our meds and valuables were locked up, we locked our bedroom door at night. That's no way to live. I would make sure that your son knows that even though he has to stay there until he's 18/out of school, if he's violent at all, you will call the police. If he makes threats to you, you will call the police... and then follow through.
Our son is back in jail. He got caught stealing. He now has to be sentenced for his previous charges of larceny, fleeing and eluding, driving recklessly and on a suspended license. I'm hoping he'll have a nice long stay in jail so I can rest and not worry about him living on the streets. The OD's in my town are just ridiculous right now.
Hugs

--------------------
Michelle
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Posted: July 25, 2017, 1:35 PM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



Thank you all for the responses.

I am doing a little better at letting him go. It helps, in some ways, that he is so close to 18. My desperate grasps for him are gone. It helps me realize he is an adult now. And, he is 100% in charge.

He still screams and yells and demands. Panic attacks, outbursts. But, I have tried everything and I mean everything in the last year that I possibly could to help him. He knows all offers of help in detail and knows they are still on the table for his taking.

I am trying to stay distant and yet let him know I will always love him more than anyone on the planet. This, of course, gives him material to sling at me, because, "If I loved him, I would... ". I simply say nothing or say, "Not if I really loved you".

I feel a little healthier and more aware of my limitations. GOD grant me...serenity, courage, wisdom!! I cannot remember who said it, but I think it was Con-about loving them where they are at, but not enabling. That helped me so much! Thanks to whoever recently posted that. maybe more than one person.
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Posted: July 25, 2017, 4:28 PM


Posts: 24
Joined: January 21, 2017



I just finished reading The Joey Song by Sandra Swenson. She has a way with words, like many wise souls on this site.....makes you feel a little less lost, a little more hopeful and a whole lot less alone. Thank you or your postings, with hope, honesty and compassion, even though things seem bleak right now. Libby
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Posted: July 25, 2017, 5:54 PM


Posts: 13
Joined: July 8, 2017



i don't have an answer for you, but I will pray for you. Best of luck.
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Posted: July 25, 2017, 6:28 PM


Posts: 410
Joined: August 28, 2016



parenting--

I see you posted " no more parenting", but I know you mean no more enabling! We are always parents and that never ends, but the enabling and abling need to end if we are to have successful adults. You have done more than humanly possible to help your son succeed and be responsible for his life. Now it is time to cut the umbilical cord ,as they say, and let him experience the life he has chosen! I pray for him to chose wisely and hopefully he is young enough to turn his life around before the choices he has made consume him.

Now you need to concentrate on you and your life and future. As moms it is so difficult to imagine our future without our sons or daughters in them, but in these circumstances we have to!

I pray you find peace in your life and can move forward! Just maybe you will find in the future that your son will come back to you and be free of his addictions.

(((HUGS))) Lori

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Posted: July 26, 2017, 9:10 PM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate it.

It has been almost a year since this ordeal came to light in a blazing way. Pretty sure things were going on before that. My nephew shared with me today that multiple family members have known various facts, but kept them from me (even though I asked). I was a little hurt that they kept this from me, especially since I asked. However, I know it is tough to share these things. Plus, nothing would have changed. I am trying to just let that hurt go.

It has been a helluva year. One of the worst. Watching him implode. For a long time, I felt guilty ever having a happy moment, knowing he was tanking so. I am happy to say I am finally at a point where I am allowing myself to enjoy life and be happy about the choices I have made. Like I said, I really worked hard to rise above depression, etc, basically just 'life'. : ) I hope someday he chooses to move away from drugs and these aggressive people, but I cannot wait. And, sitting around feeling guilty or sad is helping no one. I also promised myself I will not go looking for him anymore. I don't like being around these people and walking around at night, etc. I am not doing it anymore.

We're still in the thick of it with behaviors that scare me. But, it seems to be a little less (only because he is around me less). I am looking forward to when I have more control over asking him to leave the house when he is verbally abusive. I need to do that for me.

Anyway, thanks all. This drug business is really bad news, consuming so many young, healthy, and promising kids. But, you know...'it is, what it is'. I guess we have to accept the kids are the only ones with the power to change their lives. And, I am realistic, but still maintain a small pocket of hope that he eventually finds a way out.

Hugs to all
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Posted: July 26, 2017, 10:52 PM


Posts: 652
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi P, It's heartbreaking for me to read your posts of late. I am so sorry your going through this and I wish I could say something to help ease your pain and sadness. It's awful when we fall in and out of these pits of sadness and helplessness. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength we have to pull ourselves out of there. I've been there and still end up back every so often. I just want you to know I understand how you feel. I have a little plaque on my wall that a friend gave me a long time ago now. It reads.. " Walk towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you" I try to picture myself doing this and it gives me comfort. I hope it brings you a little comfort too. God bless, Mary
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Posted: July 27, 2017, 2:01 PM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



Mary

That is a really beautiful & meaningful quote! I am hanging onto that. Thanks!!
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Posted: July 31, 2017, 7:10 PM


Posts: 234
Joined: October 25, 2016



Sometimes I wish I could go back to when my son was seventeen and do it all over again. There was still some of himself inside there but I didn't know how to reach him. I couldn't change the flood of bad karma coming our way. I didn't know enough or didn't try hard enough to change things. I don't know what else I could have done so I know it wasn't my fault but often feel it had to be something I did or didn't do ... my failure as a parent. I remember how helpless I felt and how hard I fought those drug and bad behavior demons. Nothing seemed to work. Looking back now it just all makes me incredibly sad. Such a loss. Such a waste. I think bad things are relative. Things we think are really bad now only seem bad until we see something worse. Then we realize how really bad things can get until something even worse happens. Everyone should have rainbows and sunshine in their lives. No unhappiness allowed!

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 31, 2017, 7:11 PM

--------------------
BUGS
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Posted: July 31, 2017, 9:36 PM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



I think it is normal thinking. I do that now. I think...when he was 10, I should have done...When he was 12, I should have done...etc.

But, really, I can say, I have tried everything. Absolutely everything and nothing has helped. I still wonder if I had sent him to a school of some type when he was much younger. ???? But, probably nothing would have changed.

He seems like he is on this collision course and nothing can stop it. So, try not to think those thoughts and I will try also!! Try to not beat ourselves up. I truly believe nothing can really help. He is so stubborn and so set on doing things HIS way.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall, here. I know it is getting worse. Today, nothing was negative; nothing was mandatory-no confrontation....and still, he ended up in a meltdown, calling names, freaking out. Looking for a little happiness each day. Really, it is a matter of survival.

Hugs, and hope and a little happiness tonight!! : )

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Posted: August 1, 2017, 7:13 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: August 1, 2017



New here. I'm right there with you. Maybe this space is what will help steer me through this nightmare.
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Posted: August 1, 2017, 7:58 AM


Posts: 144
Joined: November 2, 2016



Welcome! So sorry you are going through the same thing. But, yes, you have found a spot where people understand! And, can help and listen.

Keep posting and reading. It is a very bumpy ride, but less so with others along.

Peace to you!
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Posted: August 1, 2017, 4:15 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: August 1, 2017



Today was rocky again. Still slurring, still hostile. He asked if I'd take him to the doctor to see if he could get a better combination (something other than Wellbutrin and Zoloft) that wouldn't drag him down so much. (He's been taking Allegra-D, too. That can't be good.) So the doctor didn't change the meds, didn't lower the dosage (150 mg each), and ADDED ABILIFY. Huh? I cajoled him into sitting down with me and we sort of drafted a semblance of a contract. Basically the only thing I get out of it is control of the meds.

Yesterday he agreed to a tapering schedule for the Wellbutrin. (He had to taper for his IOP last summer and he tolerated it well.) Ever try to split a round brittle tablet into threes? I couldn't manage that, even with a pill splitter, so I'm opting for a slower taper. Instead of 150 mg daily, he'll get 112.5, give or take a mg or so.

Now, having said that, should I try to do a Zoloft taper at the same time? I can't remember if that's a wise idea.

And does anybody have experience with Abilify? I'm afraid he's going to render himself unable ever to hold a job again.

I promise if I can get some assistance with my issues, I'll return the favor when I know enough.
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Posted: August 2, 2017, 10:14 AM


Posts: 410
Joined: August 28, 2016



Looking for the Light--

How old is your son? Is he still living at home? A little more info can help us give you better direction. How long has he been addicted and to what?
Is he abusive in any way?

A lot of us have had years of experience navigating this horrific nightmare of raising kids with addiction. More will help you as you post more info.

Peace--Lori

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Posted: August 3, 2017, 5:30 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: August 1, 2017



He's 35. He has multiple health issues, so there are prescribed medications. But the inhalants bring out the worst. Sullen and verbally abusive.

He had a municipal court appearance yesterday (public intoxication). He paid his fine and told me to take him to the bus station. I did. Don't know where he is now.
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Posted: August 4, 2017, 7:26 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: August 1, 2017



On his way to Denver.
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