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Rehab To Unsupervised Home-your Thoughts


Posts: 47
Joined: June 24, 2017


Posted: July 10, 2017, 6:58 PM
my wife is going from a 45 day rehab detox center to her cousin's home in upstate New York. I was rather surprised at this decision because initially we were talking about a halfway house as the next step. her cousin and his wife, though they are well-meaning, as far as I know have no training or experience in addiction.

Your thoughts, Opinions?

Michael


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: July 11, 2017, 7:17 AM
Hey Michael . . .I've got a couple of questions before I can form an opinion. Will she be in any type of program when she gets there? Intensive Outpatient Program? Partial Hospitalization? Will she be going to meetings. . . AA . . .NA??? In short, what's the plan when she arrives?

Lynn
xoxo

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: July 11, 2017, 3:40 PM
M- its already set up and it is not your choice/decision.

my son, 27, came home after two years of rehab, sober living, living on his own. 2 years away. probably 12 months of clean time broken into 3 month at a time, in between relapse time. one sober living was like "every man for himself" the other was motivating and structured. Came home with no plan for meetings, no program, no dr, no therapist. nothing. he does not like the 12 steps and "has heard enough about it." he can "figure it out on his own. He'll be fine." all he needs is a job and mom's old car. and all his old friends around. needless to say. he is now in the same boat as he was 3 yrs ago. but its not his fault. according to him -" he is fine - its because he does not make enough $$, and because I make him pay his student loan". That's his only bill other than his gas, food and cigs to go to work. he live at gf house no rent. hes getting health ins soon - he will be mad about that coming out of his check. His salary IS enough to save 800 to 1000 per month over his commuting expenses. I am unable to convince him of this. Shouldnt he be going to meetings?

btw - my son has not bought new shoes or saved for tires or car maintenance. he is supposed to save for a car someone said they will sell to him as soon as he has the $$. In 3 months he saved - zero. I have told him to register my car and pay insurance -zero. he needed boots working outside - wore old ones - falling apart. he needs proper shoes for outside summer work - nope wearing old sneakers - feet are soggy and peeling. will he buy shoes? nope.

he can not think past today and getting to work (and getting drugs/meds). at 27 does he not understand that his shoes will fall off and then he cant work. he will be standing in the garage at work looking at his bare feet. two months ago he needed socks - he still has not bought them. yesterday it looked like he was wearing gf's old socks - the short kind below ankle. he can not think that to fix your car today means it will get you to work next week. when he's on the side of the road, we have no more cars for him. the car we gave him is pretty old and lucky for each month it keeps going. he knows this - its temporary transportation. and, he needed a car part to fix the door - cant open dr side door - I got the part from a junk yard a week ago. He has no interest in stopping by to fix it. it will take a few hours and hope that we get it back together "it will take too long". he has to go in from pass side. Really? there is no interest in fixing it?

and this is the point I am at today - he will soon have no $$, no car, no shoes and expect new ones to magically appear. and I will have to watch and not give or buy or fix anything. Oh, and husband and I are going on vacation. just in time for the kid to implode while we are away.
And, lock up valuables, and keys to cars... he said he will feed our cats, I dont even want him to stop in here! we are boarding the dog. every day we are away - waiting for the emergency to happen. only good thing is that he will be getting a paycheck before we leave - so that should keep him busy... I am installing a security camera this week.

sorry for the rant - we are all angry about this. and nothing we can do about it, even though we try and try and try not to try...

and thru our anger and frustration and sadness we are expected to smile, grit our teeth, give him nothing and not get drawn into the drama and anger and blame and problem solving.

PS - I had pretty high hopes these problems were behind us and he would adjust to not doing drugs especially since he come home after 4 months clean.

Sorry all for the rant and repeats - I needed to vent - sorry for hijacking your post! sigh....

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 11, 2017, 6:09 PM


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: July 11, 2017, 6:10 PM
answer to your quesiton - YES they should all be in meetings, programs, actively putting down the drugs and getting healthy.

lol - the rest of us on this board have had 'hands on" training and we still can not change what our addicted loved ones do.

my tears turn from anger to sadness for all of us stuck in this mess.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 11, 2017, 6:13 PM


Posts: 47
Joined: June 24, 2017


Posted: July 11, 2017, 7:18 PM
Lynn,

I have no idea what type of program she will be entering is any? I did have a conversation with my wife yesterday, Monday, and she mentioned finding a sponsor and seeking therapy. She also said that her counselor felt that she did not need to go Into a halfway house.

I did tell her that I was continuing to go to an NA meetings and would continue to do so once I arrived in New Jersey. What I informed her of my travel arrangements, going to Virginia to visit friends and then traveling up to New Jersey to visit friends and family, she was surprised. She wanted to know where I was staying and I informed her I would be staying with my sister in southern New Jersey. I also let her know that I will be traveling throughout new England to visit friends and family. We made arrangements to talk this coming Sunday, when I am in Virginia.

hugs,

Michael


Posts: 47
Joined: June 24, 2017


Posted: July 11, 2017, 7:25 PM
NytoFlorida,

No need to apologize for hijacking my post, you needed to vent and that's one of the reasons why we are here!

I completely understand your frustration at your son's lack of motivation to improve this situation. As Lynn has already said, there is nothing you can do beyond protecting yourself.

That brings me to a important point that I want you to think about. You say that he has not registered your car or has gotten car insurance. Does this place you and your husband in financial risk if he has an accident, sober or not, and hurts or kill someone.

Stay strong and know that we are with you,

Hugs,

Michael


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: July 11, 2017, 8:46 PM
Michael....

Wow.... she doesn't have any plan? And her counselor blessed this?? I'm sorry to repeat myself.... WOW!!

Sounds like she is going on a vacation in upstate NY... this is the perfect time of year, too ....where all kinds of dope is readily available. A vacation to relapse? I'm appalled that this "counselor" thinks looking for a meeting and a sponsor upon her arrival, and not having any support lined up prior to her arrival, is a good idea. Sounds more like a recipe for disaster.

But....the reality IS that there is nothing you can do about this. Talk about a faite accompli!! Given all of this... I like your idea of an August deadline more and more. If she is not talking about.... or taking steps.. to reconcile ... then I know I'd be moving on. I'd be saying, "Next..."

And... between now & August... I'd be going out.... doing me.... since you said south jersey...AC? Philly? Wildwood? Cape May? Ocean City, NJ? I'd be out and about... and if I so happened to meet somebody....

Good luck... sending huge hugs... I know this is hard for you. She's in remission but is shutting you out. I'm so sorry.

Lynn
xoxo

PS NY..... here's a bear hug.... hang in there, hon!

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on July 11, 2017, 8:52 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 47
Joined: June 24, 2017


Posted: July 12, 2017, 8:49 AM
Lynn,
Good morning and thanks for your insightful comments.
Some random thoughts as I prepare to leave tomorrow for Virginia.
In our conversation on Monday, the subject of her foot came up. According to her, she is still is a terrific pain in the heel of her right foot. She's had two surgeries there and the nerve clusters are compressed in scar tissue.
A foot specialist out here started the program he would inject diluted alcohol into that region of her foot which would kill the nerves and stop the pain. The injections themselves, which take 45 seconds or so, are extremely painful. As the nerves die from the injection, which take 2 to 3 days, there is again extreme pain. Along with the OxyContin, she would be given halacan , probably misspelled, to deal with the additional Pain.
She was speculating on how she would be able to handle further injections and made the comment “maybe the doctor will give me pain pills for two or three days”. I was flabbergasted by the statement and did not comment.
Your description of her traveling to upstate New York as a “recipe for disaster” sounds like an apt description. When I speak with her on Sunday, I will find out more details about her after program plan, if there is one.
As she did when she went to Arizona last year, I hear vague statements about how she needs to “work on herself”. As I read through the various posts on here and elsewhere, I see a similar trend that the addicts say. Many of them say “I will be better, things will get better, but not today”. Meanwhile, the emotional/psychological/mental stress of this situation continues to take its toll! And the most precious thing I have, or anyone has, is time, and nine lose that as well.
You are correct again when you say there's nothing I can do about this. As AA and NA say, the only power you have is to stay or to go.
Despite the horrors/aggravation/complications of a divorce, selling the house, getting rid of 99.9% of everything that is mine, moving across country, if that is the route that I must take I will do so.
So it will be the end of August as a deadline. I'm sure I will hear “I only need a couple of months more” but I know that it's just a con. Actually, I should know before that date where we stand. If we are not seeing each other and/or talking on the phone for long periods of time, well I have my answer. Anyway, if you truly love someone and want to spend your life with them, during this time of need, wouldn't you want to be with them.
I am also realizing that my wife's various issues will be affecting our lives, In so many ways, for years to come. Frankly, I am so so tired of running around and doing everything, asking favors from my neighbors and friends, and basically having my life in turmoil. I sure could use a dose of boring/normal right now.
Thanks for the hugs,
Michael


Posts: 47
Joined: June 24, 2017


Posted: October 6, 2018, 6:18 PM
A update and and a ending

first and foremost I want to thank all those who reached out to me and responded to my posts and gave me strength to get through the chaos of the summer of 2017. last week I found several posts that I had printed out during that time and it helped to give me clarity, focus, and the dose of reality I need to move forward.

So thank you Lolleedee, hurtingmon,Lynn,Mandm, and Mary as well as those who I may have missed. You saved me then and you saved me now, and mere words can never express the appreciation and thanks that I give to you all. You saved me from a terrible ending and if there is anything that I can do for any of you, you only need ask.
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