Feeling Very Sad Today
Posted: June 21, 2017, 11:05 PM


Posts: 30
Joined: February 3, 2015



After my son's last tirade, when he told me he wished I was F%^*(^g DEAD, and things went downhill from there, I said enough was enough, and gave myself a 6 month break. I nicely, calmly, explained that I was done with his drama for six months. I told him not to have his mail sent to my house anymore, not to give people my phone number, not to call, or expect anything from me for a minimum of six months. I unfriended him on Facebook. He apologized profusely, threatened suicide, and really pushed the limits, but I held firm. I have blocked each number he calls me from. I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. It has been very hard, but I can't be responsible for enabling him, and he needs to figure this out on his own.

I have to admit, I am sleeping better, and feel better, but... I still wonder how he is, and pray he is clean and sober, and doing well. But I have no way to know. Today I am very sad wondering about him. But, I also feel like I'm not riding his roller coaster, and I'm not helping him find his early grave.

I do also remember that we have driven him to treatment, paid for treatment, helped him get into treatment, spent money to get him a medical exam so he could enter treatment, all for him to tell us how stupid treatment is and how he doesn't need it. If I could do anything to help him, I would do it, but... at this point, I KNOW the best thing I can do to help him, is let him do it himself. But that kills me. It hurts so much.

I really appreciate this board, and the support I get from it.

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Posted: June 22, 2017, 12:07 AM


Posts: 118
Joined: November 2, 2016



Sombra,

I am in the same boat.

The last 2 days I was hoping my son had changed. I believe he was trying to change, but I tried not to let myself get my hopes up. Tonight, he had another episode calling me names and other things-I am worried again.

I know I need to stay away as much as possible for his age. He was begging me for money tonight. He had a bunch of excuses why he needed the money.

It is sad and it is hard to detach. But, you are doing what you have to do for you. I am jealous! I am ready to get to the point where he is old enough that I can say no more totally.

Really, we have no other choice. You did what you have to do.

Hugs. I know it is so hard and painful.
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Posted: June 22, 2017, 7:18 AM


Posts: 496
Joined: April 4, 2016



Sombra . . .

So glad you checked in. Sending hugs. You are doing the absolute right thing. You have truly made this his monkey and his show. Congrats . . . you have moved off the roller coaster of addiction!!! Whoo hoo!! Yippie!!! High Fives to you!!!!

I hear Lolle's wise words ringing in my ears . . .her family went into recovery about a year before she even considered it. When they set their boundaries and didn't budge is when the reality of an addict's life hit her . . . and she chose to try to be clean and sober. I hope and pray that now that you are in recovery, your son will want to recover, too.

At the same time, I know that this hurts you. That's the sad thing . . . detaching with love. . . .trying to focus your attention on you . . . and loving yourself as much as you love your addict . . .hurts you. I know. I get it. There's nothing you can do about the worry . . . or the sadness. It will come and go . . .I think it is part of being a Mom of an addict. Hang in there . . . be strong . . . say some prayers for him . . .you are doing the right thing!!

Sending more hugs,
Lynn
xoxo
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Posted: June 22, 2017, 7:56 AM


Posts: 401
Joined: August 28, 2016



sombra--

I think most of us feel the same way. We have confident days that we are doing the right thing and then days we are saddened because we know it is right but we miss the son/daughter we could have had.

My son is 46 and still doesn't"get it"! He calls us horrible names when we refuse his pleadings and says we are the worse mf--ing parents in the world. He has wished us dead many times. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is impaired and the drugs have changed my son to someone I don't even recognize anymore. I finished reading the book--"It Isn't About You, Except When It Is" by Barbara Victoria and it has really helped give me resolve and peace of mind that I am doing the right things.

I know that if I continue enabling my son, I will also being helping him to an early grave! God has a plan and I have accepted that now and I have let go. Not easy for a control freak like me but so necessary if my son will ever have a chance at changing his life at this late age!

Keep doing what you are doing--it will work and you will have your life back!

(((HUGS))) Lori
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Posted: June 22, 2017, 6:54 PM


Posts: 832
Joined: June 27, 2016



HI Sombra, I Ditto everyone else's post. You are doing the right thing. HE has to feel the pain and loneliness of his addiction. How far into the 6 month break are you? It is always sad. Pretty heartbreaking when you let yourself think about it. It is a grief that runs deep when you realize that they are gone from the world you live in. Yet you have hope for the future. Hope for yourself. You can not live his life. Even when our kids show a glimmer of "doing better" we hold our breath and dont really know if they are doing better or if they will be worse. Sometimes they get better at hiding it/handling it. Living the lie. One of my turning points was when I realized I could deplete my small savings and basically hand over my paycheck to help him... and no amount of money, no matter how small or how large, helps them change. I pictured myself in a trailer park on social security and he would still take all that he could from me. That isnt the way I want to live out my life. my son went to rehab twice and still relapsed several times. It was enough of a break for us to cut the financial ties. Now that you have set boundaries, stick to it.

Your job is to make him be independent so he does not have to depend on you. He needs to think for himself. You are pretty strong to be able to announce the 6 month break. That was my plan when my son went to rehab, but I did not verbalize it to him. I know he learned some lessons along the way. He is now working full time, but still slipping. He thinks he needs the meds. Hopefully someday he will realize that he doesnt need the meds. In the meantime, we have not given any $$ since he has been working, and gave very little in the two years he was 'recovering" in rehab and sober living. I think he is slowing coming to terms with the fact that he needs to pay his own way. It may be true that when they see us detach, they start changing too. It does take a long time to see the results of your actions.


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Posted: June 22, 2017, 6:56 PM


Posts: 832
Joined: June 27, 2016



Parenting - I am concerned about your son being abusive and asking for money. Can you tell him the 'bank of mom" is closed and tell him to ask his dad? my son knew i was the softee who would give $20 here and there. He never asked his dad.
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Posted: June 22, 2017, 8:09 PM


Posts: 434
Joined: August 4, 2015



Sombra,
I know how hard it is and you can't help but worry and wonder. I'm sorry. It does not feel good....even if it's the right thing and trust me, it's the right thing to do. I tell myself all the time that I would never, in a million years, let someone else treat me this way, why would I let my son?
Mine has tried texting me all week, even though I told him I'm going to be enjoying my time with my grandson and not to bug me. I've ignored his texts all week because my daughter, her husband and their son are visiting from 850 miles away. He finally texted only one thing today..."why are you ignoring me?" I politely told him that I'm ignoring him because he doesn't take no for an answer, he treats me like crap, and he's a grown man (almost 31) that is constantly bombarding me with stuff that is not my problem or can help with. He did not respond. I would like to think that he's finally "getting it" but he's probably just sulking.
Draw strength from us and others that love you. I'm getting it from my daughter and my grandson. I don't want any heroin addicts around my grandson, not even my own son!
Hugs

--------------------
Michelle
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Posted: June 22, 2017, 10:17 PM


Posts: 30
Joined: February 3, 2015



Thank you all, I really needed the encouragement. I have adopted my son's children, and bio mom is an addict also. I had been allowing visits for both of them, but after the last blow up, which bio mom really instigated, but it's on both of them, I put them both on the 6 month break. Or I should say I put myself on a 6 month break. It started the beginning of May. But when I did it, I told them that they could have visits again, and call/text me in six months, IF they were clean and sober. Mom's dad has called and told me how good mom was doing, and I had to tell him I was sticking to the six months. Bio mom is NOT doing better, she has been actively using, and has been kicked out of two or three sobriety homes, that I know if, since May 1st. I realize her dad has to work his own program, and set his own limits, but it is hard when he wants to enable, and wants me to let his daughter see our children. I told him, bio mom and my son, that if I felt it would benefit the children in any way, I would allow a visit, but... It won't help them, and they are doing better with this break, and it has only been about 7 weeks.

It is so much easier to set boundaries for bio mom, who is not my daughter, than it is for my son. Yet I know I have to set boundaries for both of them, to keep me, my husband and my new children healthy, happy and sane.

I so appreciate all the comments, it is one thing to feel like I am doing the right thing, but we all get insecure at times, and the validation from you guys helps me so much.

Thank you all...
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Posted: June 23, 2017, 6:05 AM


Posts: 24
Joined: May 10, 2017



Sombra-
you are doing the little ones and both of their parents such a huge favor.

I hope that your days with the children are making life a little easier. It can be so therapeutic being around kids, they exude all the innocence and good that can begin the world. Good for you for being as strong as you are! He is your son! I had trouble letting go of a boyfriend/fiance, so that makes me feel 100% about me leaving him. You will probably pave the way for bio mom's dad to have some strength and hopefully content for the future. This is no easy situation to be in, but you're killing it! Good for you. Keep us updated!

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Posted: July 3, 2017, 10:12 PM


Posts: 401
Joined: August 28, 2016



sombra--

Wondered how things are going with your 6 month break and your son. How old is your son? I know you have the kids and definitely needed this time and space from all the drama!

I, as you read in my other post, am on a 6 month break which will be January 2018 or until he is clean and has his life together. I must admit I am still nervous and jump when the phone rings or I get a text from someone else. I am hoping with time I will get to relax and have some calm time.

I just don't want him showing up at my door looking destitute and pleading. We live 1 and 1/2 hrs. away from where he was last, but he would be the type to hitch hike here if he really has no other alternatives. I am formulating a plan if he shows up here. Any suggestions?

He was looking for someone (an old GF) to take his two chihuahuas today and said he can't keep them living on the street. She refused. Don't know how he will handle that. It's his problem and he has no business with two dogs when he can't take care of himself.

Anyway--keep us updated--been thinking about you and your son--

Lori
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Posted: July 3, 2017, 11:24 PM


Posts: 118
Joined: November 2, 2016



Hi NYtoFL: I just saw your comment. He does the same thing with his Dad and sometimes his Grandma. I had to sit my Mom down and get tough about the money thing. He has almost no money, but wants to blame 101 things on why he does not have money. Actually, tonight he did the same thing. Started out with, "It is your fault I don't have x, y and z". Thanks to all of you I am a little tougher than I used to be. I actually am starting to feel stronger. I basically told him that I had to work my a$$ off for everything I have/live within my means and he needs to go out and get what he wants/ no one is going to hand him anything. I really meant it.

At his age, it would be appropriate to help him in certain ways, but he refuses to follow rules or be respectful. He knows this. Instead of acknowledging it, he seems to be unable to process the piece that he is responsible for.

I read on here somewhere to love them where they are at. I am doing this also, and it is helping me to detach (which is surprising). I basically love him and plan to be in his life no matter what. However, I am viewing his life totally separate from me-that he will make the life he chooses and I will always love him. I will not swoop in and fix things though. I have accepted that he may keep spiraling down by his own choice.

Sombra, congrats! I am jealous. : ) . Duchess too!! I am so proud of both of you for creating and maintaining these boundaries.
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Posted: July 4, 2017, 2:01 PM


Posts: 401
Joined: August 28, 2016



Parenting--

I feel your pain and the only thing I would say to you is --"you are doing the right thing by not enabling him regardless of his age"!

I can't help but think if we had not enabled Chris when he was 16 and on up to 46, we might not have this awful situation with a 46 y/o adult male addict that thinks and acts like a teen and expects mommy and daddy to rescue him, bail him out of any situation, and fix his bad choices!

If your son is to ever escape the drug world, then now is the time to stop enabling him. Otherwise you can end up like us--old and battling this painful and difficult situation.

We don't even know our son anymore--it is like he is possessed and needs an exorcism! He says and does things only a drug addict would do. Hurtful things, that even though I know it is the drug behavior, it just kills us!

Sending big HUGS to you--Lori
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Posted: July 4, 2017, 11:15 PM


Posts: 118
Joined: November 2, 2016



Hi Lori, Sombra and all.

Thank you and I will keep it up. I wonder if the outcome just stays the same no matter what we do sometimes.

Today, he was acting so strange again. I don't think he was using anything because we were around family all day. He became fixated on something I said that he did not like. I am not joking, he would not let it go for an extended time period. This was a benign and true statement that had no emotional content whatsoever. And, he perceived through his non-reality perception, that I had slighted him in someway. He was sure of it. So, he started doing little things to annoy me-babbling on about things he knows annoys me; sticking his phone in my face; making faces. He has never really done this so openly at a family gathering. I could tell my siblings were beside themselves upset watching him behave this way. My sister looked so sad watching him. It really seems to be a mental health issues AND an addiction issue.

Can anything stop this? I worry he will just be like this his whole life, constantly having problems with people and understanding reality. And, he can be very verbally abusive. Sombra I relate to your story in this way. His new favorite thing is to tell me that he hopes whatever God there is sends me straight to hell when I die. Sometimes this will be over something so small such as he wants me to buy him something small and I say no. I can totally relate to your stories of abuse.

To end on a positive note, I feel like I am moving in a healthy direction for myself. I still have down times, but I am able to detach more readily. For most of the time, I can clearly see that I have no place in his life anymore in terms of helping. I am done. It is totally up to him. I have accepted that he is probably not going to make it to college and may not finish high school. He also may end up in prison because there is no other place for him that I can find to help. For some reason, this has calmed my anxiety. Instead of constantly stressing about how to stop this train, I am realizing I can't stop it. I have no control over it. And, once he turns 18, I am hoping I am able to detach even more.

Anyway, hugs to all. At least we are in this together and have each other. So few seem to understand the emotional torture we have been through.

This post has been edited by Parenting on July 4, 2017, 11:17 PM
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Posted: July 5, 2017, 7:39 PM


Posts: 832
Joined: June 27, 2016



its so hard to tell if they are 'on' or 'off'. he might have been off the meds but in some kind of withdrawal state. and not his normal... unless that IS his normal.... you really cant tell unless they are off everything for an extended period of time, months.... sorry that he put you thru that. but good that it happened in front of others. Next time, dont let yourself participate. Excuse yourself from your guests and go to your room or out for a drive. or to a family member's house. keep a bag packed. if you are not there, he cant do it to you. I understand that you couldnt leave and probably didnt think it would go on so long.... next time be prepared to leave.

I remember when my kids were toddlers - 3 to 8 yrs old - we were going to a bbq at a neighbor's. I told them ahead of time if they acted badly we would leave. sure enough one of them was misbehaving. I gave a warning. and then had to take them home. It hurt me more than it did them as I really wanted to hang out w some adults!

Dont give your son a warning. Dont tell him your plan. He acts rudely, excuse yourself - simple.
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Posted: July 13, 2017, 5:48 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: July 11, 2017



Dear Sombra,

I feel your pain. This is similar to what I have done/am experiencing except I have an addict husband and not a son. It's so hard not to worry about them. I worry that my husband, who also has depression, might suicide because that is one of the things that can happen with synthetic cannabis withdrawal, which he was/is on. But ultimately it won't be my choice if that happens or not. I just knew that if he kept using it in our garage, he would end up killing himself by overdose and I would have paid for it. I also had to protect myself. Never in my life did I imagine I would ever have to protect myself from someone I love who claimed to love me. It is like he died and his dead body was inhabited by a malevolent demon who wanted nothing but to get high. I hope that as time goes by, you will feel that you made the right decisions. I hope that your son finds a way out of his darkness.
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