This Isn't Right
Posted: May 8, 2017, 9:23 PM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



I became friends with a neighborhood couple several years back. I watched his wife go through cancer. She passed away. Last summer, he was evicted from the house they were renting. I offered to let him stay with me for a few months, so he could get on his feet and move out.

After he started staying here, he would disappear for hours at a time, days at time, and not do what we agreed on. In the meantime, we got involved with each other. Taking it slow because he was still dealing with his wife's death. I argued and told him several times this wasn't working, etc. Your just taking advantage of me. I am tired of this!

Fast forward. He stopped doing this on a regular basis. He got a job but it only lasted a month. He was still dealing with the emotions from her passing, using and the job was 12 hours a day, which he couldn't handle. His feet swelled, etc. He did give me his 4 checks towards bills.

He regrets using and self medicating to deal with his issues. He recently started going to na meetings and found a sponsor. He has started to make amends with people he cared about but burned. He tells me he loves me, wants to marry me when he gets himself together, he helps with my son. He also makes sure the house is always clean, cooks, even does repairs on my home that need to be taken care of.

Last month when he showed up from being gone 3 1/2 days, he knew that was it. Came home crying his eyes out, begging for forgiveness, etc. Wants me to still be patient with him, etc. He didn't plan all this.

The man fell apart. Lost everything he had after she passed. His vehicles were repossessed. He also got mad at me different times and took off to get high he said because I wouldn't bail him out and help get his car back. He said "if two people love each other" they wouldn't do that. But it is only material things. The same song and dance with the last of his belongings in a storage unit. His one daughter loaned him the money($865) to avoid having his unit being auctioned off. He failed to clear everything out after she paid the bill. I paid it the next month($165) to get the rest of his belongings. But he didn't do it because he was out getting high. Needless to say, I didn't pay next month's rent, and he lost those possessions.

I have told him several times since day one, I am not supporting you. I am a single mom and have my own bills to pay, a 10 year old son to support. My income doesn't support your bills & mine! Not very fair to ask somebody either. I am also not financing loans, etc, for somebody.

After the last time he disappeared, my feelings have changed for him. I am not sure if this is what I want long term. He has a lot to deal with. He found out last week, there is an open warrant back home that is 10 years old. This held him up from a job he applied for with his old boss back when his family moved out here.

What if he relapses again? I have told him I don't want to be with an addict. I am not dealing with it. There is a lot of things that has gone on I have not written about. It even got to the point that my dad with what little he knew at the time, came over and talked to him. I felt kind of embarrassed because I am a middle aged woman but understood why my dad was doing this. I am his daughter and he doesn't want somebody taking advantage of me!

To this day, my father still feels this guy is just taking me for a ride, using me, nothing more. I also feed his dogs a special diet which consists of ground turkey, rice, sweet peas and carrots. he never fed them dog food.

Whenever he says something to me sweet, I look the other way or ignore him. I can't help it. I am just not feeling the woman in relationship anymore. He told me he doesn't want to just shack up with me even though he wants to marry me someday. I don't want to just live with a man either, unless we are married. I've lost respect for myself.

When we got into it after he came home last month from disappearing, he even told me this couple from his church offered to store his belongings and let him have a spare room but he chose to be with me. He doesn't want to stay with them. I mentioned this to him last month.

During the course of several conversations about things, he blows up, says things, gets angry, but then he apologizes later on. He is taking things way too personal. I just want him gone. Out! He is no good for me. I deserve way more than who he is. Even if he gets it together, these are total deal breakers for me.

He knows something is up with me because the last week he keeps asking me, what is wrong? I am very afraid of this man and what he may do to me. I don't trust him! I have already tried several times to get him to leave, but he wont. Like I said, he has a temper.

I have discovered since I posted last night, that he opened up some hookup sites over the years when he was still married to his wife. I have seen his profile. Seeking a playmate. It is definitely him. Another hookup site he saved in an email folder he created. That is him as well. Why would you save your profile if it wasn't you? These accounts are no longer paid accounts. Only free access.

I also have access to this email he uses because he borrowed my phone one time to log in and check this account. He forgot that I still have access. I have not and will not confront him on this. It will do no good. He is who he is.

I also have access to his voicemail every time someone leaves him a message. The email comes through on my phone.

He created a profile a while back I recently discovered on a hookup site. He also sent, or thought he was, a reply back to a spam email address, telling this young girl he wants to hook up with her. Gave her his phone number!

I did confront him on these things and a few other situations I have found out about now. Of course he gave me some bs answers. He doesn't understand why I can't forgive him for all this and move forward in our relationship. I have tried telling him nicely you aren't ready for a relationship. I deserve more!

He doesn't get it! This isn't what I want. Had he not done all these things it would be different. I want out!
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Posted: May 8, 2017, 9:40 PM


Posts: 419
Joined: August 4, 2015



I don't blame you at all for not wanting that life. In fact, I would also add that as a mother, you have to look out for your sons best interest. I think you should file an eviction notice with the courts and have it served to him. He will know you're serious. If he doesn't leave after 30 days, you can have him forcibly removed by the sheriff department. I think he'll probably choose to leave before hand. Addicts don't like the police or courts, as you know. Be firm and also let your dad know what you're doing so he can be back up for you if needed. It's time for you take your life back. Good luck!

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Michelle
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Posted: May 8, 2017, 10:33 PM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



I have even told him this about having a young child in my home. I stand to lose everything if he does ir did something crazy when he's took off. I also work for my employer from home. If something were to go down, it would cost me my job as well. I am sure the authorities would seize it to look at my history, to confirm I am not doing something shady.

The work computer has a security process to go through. Nobody can log in except me. But that doesnt matter.

Has told me several times when trying to break this off, I never loved him, cared about him, etc. I told him that is ridiculous!

Last time we argued, he even told me he will just go back out into the streets because of me. I told him that is sad he chooses to do that himself. His choice!

This guy is completely co-dependant on a woman to take care of him. Sad!
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Posted: May 9, 2017, 9:25 AM


Posts: 151
Joined: August 18, 2016



Run fast, run far!!!! You stated our do not want to be with an addict. I don't blame you! It will never work out with him because, even in recovery, we are still addicts...always working to keep our disease in remission. You will be forever looking for signs of use and relapse.

If you are truly afraid of this man and ready for change, go to your local police department and file a restraining order...then change your locks! If he comes knocking, call the police. Leave his stuff in your yard and let him deal with it. He is not a spouse or a paying tenant and you are not obligated to let him stay with you. If you say get out, then he has to get out!

I am very concerned that this violent man has access to your young son. It is never a good situation to expose children to this type of person..especially one you do not even like! If anyone knows he is an active addict and is living with you, they may very well call child protective services. Your son needs protection, first and foremost. You Owe it to him to immediately file that restraining order. You need to protect your son. He had no choice in having this man in his home and it is NEVER right to expose children to adult problems.

There is one thing I want to point out. You mentioned that it is sad that he is codependent. Whenever we see something we do not like in another person, there is a good chance that it is because we see this behavior in ourselves. You need to ask yourself why you would offer a "neighbor" with active addiction to stay with you. That rescuing behavior is typical of those who are codependent. They put others needs first and clean up their messes. In reality, he alone was responsible for his situation, but because you swooped in to take care of him, he doesn't need to be responsible for anything, because you do it all!

Boundaries are very hard for people who are codependent and your father crossed a few when he took it upon himself to speak to this guy on your behalf. As you stated, you are a middle aged woman and you alone are responsible for what is going on here. Your Dad, though I am sure he did it out of love, made your problems his own. That is one of the very hallmarks of independence!

I hope it all works out! Keep us posted. Get help! There is an old book called Codependent no more. It is a great read and might give you some insight into these behaviors, either in yourself or others.

This post has been edited by lolleedee on May 9, 2017, 9:41 AM
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Posted: May 9, 2017, 6:34 PM


Posts: 747
Joined: June 27, 2016



he says he will live on the street or shelter - that is his choice - he can find a sober living home for men who are in recovery. or move in w his kids. Figure out a time line of telling him he has to leave - give him a date - I would not want him around after telling him he has to go - you have said it enough - put his stuff in garage - out of your house - or drop off to his kids house - be sure a male family member or friend is around often so he gets the message that you are not alone - others know what is going on - be open to calling police at any time you feel uneasy - get the restraining order - delete all of his email accounts and any accounts from your phone and computer etc. hide or lock up your valuables or bring to dads house. never leave your son home alone w him.

he has options - let his family deal w it. He is not your mess to clean up.






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Posted: May 11, 2017, 6:25 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: May 10, 2017



This man is grown. But your kid is still young... and he is seeing these things that you are experiencing. Save yourself and your son from this man and his wild behavior. His addiction to whatever he's using is causing ALL of this. I'm sure he was far from this before. It's so easy to think it is all about us... but in reality it's not. Don't take any of this personal. Just because he is functioning and can speak back to you does not mean he is in his right mind. His disrespect and lack of responsibility is a result of him being addicted. You can love him from afar. I feel so guilty for leaving, but I had to save myself before it got too deep. Taking care of a grown man's bills because of his wrong-doings is something I can't do. Worry about his whereabouts... becoming invested in his legal history... helping him job search... clinging on to their every word. I feel you. It is extremely hard. But know that you have that young man at home who is taking account of everything going on- even if it doesn't seem like it. Me and my man talked to each other every day for the past 6 years. We were engaged to be married. He became the shell of his old self. I left, and you can too.

<3
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Posted: May 11, 2017, 7:00 PM


Posts: 599
Joined: October 5, 2015



Sunny, Get rid of him!! This guy is bad news and definitely not who should be around your son. You sound a kind person and one who likes to help people. My advice to you is help you and your son first. He only will care for himself and his next fix. The drug is the center of his universe nothing or no one else. He will only ever want that and only ever care about that. Never you! He will lie, cheat and steal to get it. Sorry but it's how they are when they are addicted. Your too nice and you and your son deserve so much more. Good luck! Mary

This post has been edited by Mandm on May 11, 2017, 7:09 PM
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Posted: May 13, 2017, 9:02 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: March 13, 2017



I'm sorry this is happening to you. Change the locks put his stuff in a storage pay 1 month.
Your son deserves to live in a addict Free house. Lady shame on you for bringing an angry addict into your home with a 10 year old. You say he has a temper. Your poor son your son is not safe.
Please lock the doors change the locks. He's just using you. You need to put your son first.
Good luck
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Posted: May 13, 2017, 2:59 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: January 21, 2017



Wow. Let's try not to shame anyone for choices made from pain and fear. I have never known shame to help anyone. Thanks
Libby
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Posted: May 13, 2017, 11:22 PM


Posts: 599
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi SunnyGirl, Please don't feel guilty for what you did in taking this guy in. You did it because you have a good and kind heart. Some of us have been fighting the misery of having kids addicted to drugs for many years and it hardens us and makes us bitter at times. I don't mind admitting that I go through periods like that. So when I read on here that an addict is taking advantage of someone's kind nature, it makes me mad!! It reminds me of the many years I got used, manipulated, abused, and I always hoped for the best through it all. This was from my daughter too not a stranger or a friend. It took me up until last year finding this message board to make me see sense. That's 18 yrs I've been going through this hell on earth. So I try to help people like yourself when you come on here to let you know now what it's taken me 18 yrs of my life to learn. Being with an addict will suck the life right out of you and your life will be nothing but chaos and misery. Learn from me! I guess that's it in a nutshell really. I wish you all the luck in the world Sunny and I hope you find someone who will appreciate you for the kind person you are! Take care. Mary🌻

This post has been edited by Mandm on May 13, 2017, 11:32 PM
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Posted: May 14, 2017, 10:51 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: March 13, 2017



Wow Libby. I'm not trying to shame Sunnygirl. Sunnygirl first off Happy Mother's Day.
I hope you have a peaceful safe day. I hope you are being celebrated for the wonderful mom I'm confident you are. I know we moms can do unfortunate things, especially if we feel lonely. I have been lonely in my life. Mom I know what I said was harsh. I'm just a stranger on a anonymous board. What do you think a family court judge will say to you if something happens and child services get involved. Please for your and your sons sake get this active addict with rage issues out of your house and your life.
Please I don't want you to lose your son, your job, your sanity.
Love you mom.
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Posted: May 14, 2017, 11:52 AM


Posts: 599
Joined: October 5, 2015



" You can please some of the people some of the time. But you can't please all of the people all of the time"
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Posted: May 14, 2017, 1:29 PM


Posts: 2600
Joined: January 4, 2008



Wrong thread...

This post has been edited by constantine on May 14, 2017, 1:33 PM
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Posted: May 17, 2017, 10:48 AM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



I have an order of protection ready to be served. As soon as he shows up, I am calling 911. Game over being here with me.

Everyone is concerned this guy is not going to just go away after he is served. Please pray he does but my gut tells me otherwise. I am having a security and alarm system installed after he is gone.

I am not even answering the door when he knocks. Just grabbing my phone and making the call.

I have family and friends standing behind me and will support me with whatever I need.

I will never put myself in this position again. Lesson learned.

I had no idea he used. He put on a big front for everyone over the years.

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Posted: May 17, 2017, 10:50 AM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



@sad53... I had no idea this guy was using. I would have never let him step a foot in my house, had I known this. Then it WOULD be shame on me.

He put on a front for everyone over the years. His true colors are showing.

I have an order of protection to be served as soon as he shows up. No more!

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Posted: May 17, 2017, 3:16 PM


Posts: 419
Joined: August 4, 2015



Good for you Sunny! I'm proud of you for being so proactive and planning for what may or may not happen. You're doing the right thing. God be with you.


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Michelle
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Posted: May 17, 2017, 3:59 PM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



Thank you Shell. All I can do. Better to get out of this situation NOW and let this drag on. Let him live off somebody else and support his sorry using arse until they catch on. I don't wish the man harm, but more than likely, that is what he will do.



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Posted: May 17, 2017, 7:33 PM


Posts: 599
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Sunny, Looks like you have all your ducks in order. Good for you! I hope he gets the message and stays away from you so that you can get on with your life. Good luck to you. I wish you well. Mary💛
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Posted: May 17, 2017, 10:58 PM


Posts: 7
Joined: May 8, 2017



Venting...Man, I wish he would show up already, so I can get this over with! Over 2 days now he has been gone. He messaged me via fb messenger at 11am yesterday saying he was on his way. No show. I never responded. This morning, I woke up to 2 text messages. The first 1 said I love you. Do you trippin.. The 2nd one he sent right after was So you are. I still love you. I never replied. Silence is golden! Make his sit and stew for what he has done to me. My ex husband said he probably knows this is it this time and you are kicking him out when he shows up. We shall see. I think he probably thinks he can weasel his way back in again like last time. But guess what? Not anymore. I really need to stay strong and do this. I will. I have my cheerleaders ;)

When this goes down with him being served and kicked off the property, my property, what should I do about his belongings? He has quite a few things here. Plus, his 3 little dogs. I feel sorry for them.

The order states no contact via any party. Should I wait until I get the calls from his daughters, asking what is going on, and ask them if they want his belongings and give them a time limit? Or should I call one of them right after he is removed and give her a heads up what to do? If I call first, then it looks like I am discussing our business.

Or, have the police tell him to have his daughters call me to make arrangements and nobody else will be acceptable to gather his dogs and belongings?

The one young daughter I feel has written him off. I was on her fb page for a few months and because her dad did not pay her the $ she loaned him to get his things out of storage, she deleted both of us. I have no hard feelings towards her. I hope she wasn't banking on me paying her back. She never confronted me about it. I wasn't about to after how he has treated me and is using. To the H no!

She may want the furniture for non-payment. He can't try and get his hands on it and sell it by being ordered to stay away from here. Or she may not give 2 craps because she is done with him. The last time his daughters' called to come over, (2 month agos), they didn't say much to us and when they got up to leave, they ignored me. I was like wow. You guys are always more friendly than this.

The older one does contact her father here and there. I think she feels sorry for him to a point and hasn't written him off.

When I tell them why I did this, they will be more mad at him, especially the older one. A while back, they both jumped him for how he was treating me(before he started doing all this in my post).

They both live in apartments and have roommates. I am not sure if they can even take the dogs. I wouldn't mind having them but once this decision is made, no turning back.

Ugh! I am stupid.
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Posted: May 18, 2017, 6:12 PM


Posts: 747
Joined: June 27, 2016



hummm... can you box up his stuff so he does not need to come into the house?
I think your choices are 1. put the stuff in storage in HIS name, pay one month, give key to daughter. result - no need to come to your house.
2. keep his stuff - after you serve him the usual way is to have him come to your house with police to get his stuff. this can drag on and on.
3. dogs - ask the daughters if they want the dogs, keep the dogs as your own, drop them at a shelter.

if you do #1 and #3 - no need to see him again.


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