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Posted: April 26, 2017, 9:16 PM
I've been in relationship for year with a cocaine addict. I knew nothing about cocaine and when I met him told me he had just gotten out of rehab. I thought this was fine. He's had several relapses. He disappears for 12-15 hours. Where does he go? He says he driving around for hours and when I call he does pick up, but sounds hyper and frantic, tells me 10 mins away, 10 mins turns into the cops chasing him, then doesn't arrive home until the next day with anxiety, lack of sleep, out of breath then lies and say he hasn't used. It's been a night mare being with him
Last week, he stole my debit card and went on a binge, still lying that he isn't using. The other day (my nice guy) beat me for the first time, why because he found out I had $12,000 in my account and he waNTED TO BORROW money, I gave him $400 and he waNted more. I said no and reminded him that he had just stole from me, he told me to shut up and get out I didn't listen and he beat me and tossed me out of his house like a bag of trash. It hurts. It's a good thing he put me out, otherwise ida continue to lie to myself that he will give up coke. I was nothing but good to him -------------------- Last days | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 26, 2017, 10:28 PM
Hi Da, Now that your away from him..stay away!! He is bad news and you don't need to waste anymore time on this guy. You should have called the police when he hit you and had him arrested, but it's hard I know. You probably won't see any of your money back and when he runs out he'll probably try to find you to get you to give him more. Especially now that he knows you still have money it will be burning a hole in his pockets wanting it. Stay away from him you deserve better. Men who hit women are cowards. Stay strong you'll meet someone nice like yourself and that will appreciate you better than he has. Good luck and be careful!! Mary.
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: April 26, 2017, 11:06 PM
Loving Welcome Da . . . I'm so sorry that addiction has infected your life . . .but I'm so glad that you found us. Here's a hug! -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: April 27, 2017, 6:11 AM
I want to thank you both for responding. You've given me the strength to move on. Last night was rough knowing that allowed this person to mistreat me and then for some reason believe it was my fault because I should've listened to his commands to shut up and leave.
Yes calling the police is rough, I feel as though he will really lose everything. He just a got a new job (lost the other due to his coke habit). The day he attacked me, the next day he had to fly out for business which gave me a few days to reflect and find support. He returned from his trip last night. I didn't leave on my own, which is depressing, he made me leave, which is a blessing. Now, I must move on, don't answer his calls, it was my way out. We lived together for 1 year but for some reason, I never gave up my own apartment where I am residing now. My life has been a nightmare on the coke ride with him. Now I must love me, like I loved him. I always wondered why his ex of four years upped and left with her kids while he was in rehab for a 1 bedroom apartment- he probably did the same thing to her. Your words are the only reason that I can move forward. I've called the DV Hotline and they have been very helpful. I am so embarrassed and hurt. This post has been edited by DaLies on April 27, 2017, 6:15 AM -------------------- Last days | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: April 27, 2017, 8:26 AM
Da....I'm doing a Snoopy dance, the new Running Man & crying all the same time. You are truly one tough, special and wonderful cookie!!! There's no reason to be embarrassed. Both Addiction & DV are nondiscriminatory. Either one can happen to anyone..I'm so happy & proud for you that you said "Enough". That you are done with his addiction and him hitting you. That you saw the writing on the wall and didn't go back. I'm so happy that you have a place to go. Ok....leaving wasn't your original idea...BUT once he dealt you that card, you embraced it. That takes strength self-love and confidence. -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: April 27, 2017, 10:27 AM
Thanks for the article.
Ive taken pictures of my bruises and scratches. I do understand that i need to report it. I can help someone else if i do. I appreciate the hugs from you and hope to never see him again. When i do have those moments of loneliness i will look at the scars physically and emotionally that he has left behind. I promise myself, my family and friends, i vow to never go back. I will take my being kicked out as a blessing and gift from him. Today, i am finally back at work, i am a professional and have a great job. I no longer have to report in, get scrutinized about what i have on, unable to workout when i want. It is a somewhat freeing feeling. Keep the words of encouragement coming. I appreciate it. -------------------- Last days | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 27, 2017, 7:15 PM
HI - I posted to you on another board. I just want to say 'thanks for sharing' to those who gave you support on the Families board... really good information! Congrats to you for moving on. Genius - that you kept your apartment. The hard part now will be staying away from him. Please know that YOU are correct and just to move on. DO NOT answer ANY phone calls or text... he will say any little thing to pull you back in to the drama to get $$ from you. (you will be lucky if he doesnt) DO NOT take the bait... it is easiest if you never answer his calls, and less painful. block his number or change yours.
This is really hard to do for us moms bc our kids are ours for life... In your situation you are saving yourself from drama, and financial loss. Good Luck! let us know how you are doing, any time you want to vent! | ||
Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: April 28, 2017, 5:59 AM
with coke addict is especially hard regarding money, usually they are ready to sell everything even house in order to get another hit..be very very careful not to have any joint accounts or him getting your stuff like gold or anything worth selling even your handbag if is designer . Set up boundaries asap and find nearest meeting for support
Regards, Bonnie | ||
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Posted: April 29, 2017, 3:23 AM
Thanks tonight was very hard. I succeeded with no calls or answering calls. I kept reading the supportive posts above. I know it would not be good to get in any relationship with this jerk.
It did feel freeing coming to my own home from work, not needing to worry about it being payday Friday and him snorting up his paycheck and coming home many hours later. I was able to relax and get rest. I do have guilt for leaving his dog behind. I took care of the dog like he was mine. I am very worried about pepper not being fed properly and timely or taken out to potty :( Other than that, his sister has called and text, i wont answer. Her last text read "so you are not answering my calls, i thought we were better than that" but i know he is behind it. I feel guilty for avoiding her but i must at this time. You guys have been so helpful to me. Had i not had this site, i am sure I would've probably returned to him. When i read over the post, i know that i am not the crazy one or to blame on him lashing out on me. This post has been edited by DaLies on April 29, 2017, 3:25 AM -------------------- Last days | ||
Posts: 60
Joined: March 13, 2017
Posted: April 29, 2017, 5:20 AM
Hi Dalies
Good for you. Stay strong. You should call the cops and report the beatings and robbery. Stay strong, never go back to him. | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 29, 2017, 10:02 AM
Good for you Da!! Thank goodness you held on to your own place. Never go back to him no matter what he promises. Once a man gets away with hitting a woman he will do it again. So he has opened a "Pandora's Box" there and once that's opened it's hard to close it. Look after number one..you! Let the sister call all she wants. Where was she when he was bullying you? Would she like a boyfriend like her brother? I don't think so. Stay strong!! Take care. Mary🌻
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 29, 2017, 9:02 PM
one last thought - the family will reach out to you to Fix It, bc they don't want to deal with him. they were probably glad u were in the picture - hoping he would straighten out, and also relieved that you were dealing w him and they were off the hook. guess what, they are on the hook again.... maybe, just a thought.
remember it is not 'him' you are leaving - it is the drug behavior. Us mere mortals are no match for the drug behavior. you wont win. never. And its not your fault. there is nothing you could have done differently or better that would change things. it's not you, its him. The hardest part for me has been knowing the sadness and pain drug use brings to people and families. from details you posted, I can tell that you are a financially secure, successful, smart woman. Don't let any man take that away from you. look for someone who has the same values as you. be safe and well. love yourself. I know it is both liberating and lonely to come home to an empty house. its a little lonely, but also nice not to answer to or deal with someone else in your space. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 29, 2017, 9:15 PM | ||
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Posted: April 30, 2017, 4:14 AM
NY, thanks i needed to hear that.
You are correct, before i came in the picture, his sister and hubby were his support system. I took over, his sister was able to get a second job and live her life. I did everything, in fact, i did not want him going to them to stress them out. Why? Because i had it all under control - wrong. Yes, it has been lonely but like you said, it is nice coming home and caring for myself, not worrying if he was going to show up wasted from coke. You're right it's not my fault. I started second guessing myself, did i cause the addiction ? Maybe he has found someone else who can fix him? Maybe it was me? But then i remember, when i met him he was ALREADY an addict and since he laid hands on me, an abuser too and I didn't cause that either. Today, i joined an alanon group chat, it was helpful. This post has been edited by DaLies on April 30, 2017, 4:17 AM -------------------- Last days | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: April 30, 2017, 7:57 AM
DaLies,
I haven't commented on your post yet but I read it and everyone's responses. I just wanted to let you know, you're doing great! We're proud of you for putting your health, physical well being, and sanity first. Stay strong and please don't ever second guess yourself about leaving him. Even if he wasn't a coke addict, he's an abuser and the two together could be a deadly combination. Take care, Michelle | ||
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Posted: April 30, 2017, 1:47 PM
Thank you, i am in tears today, just feeling lonely but i am OK.
Everyone is correct, abuse is abuse. I am good, this too shall pass. I had a weekend of just me, taking care of me, reading and educating myself on abuse and addiction. Understanding, that i am not the blame but i must continue on. i finally shared with 2 people in my family needless to say they are devastated they too thought he was great guy. They want me to me to press charges, restraining order, change my number and move. I am feeling overwhelmed but i know its out of concern and love. Right now he has not come around, and i do not consider him a threat at the moment. If he comes in my space, i will call the police. I am sure he is aware of this. -------------------- Last days | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: May 1, 2017, 4:39 AM
Da . . . feeling lonely will be part of your de-coupling and mourning process. It's okay. Here's a big bear hug. I know it is hard. I'm so glad that you confided in folks . . .I know it was hard to share . . .but you did it!!!! Wonderful . . .abuse & addiction thrive on silence, shame and guilt.
You are one brave and strong lady!! When you are feeling weak or weepy or whatever, remember that your confidantes are here to support you too. And you now have a group chat in addition to us. Please use any and all of these support mechanisms. In the midnight hour . . . you may find yourself unable or unwilling to reach out to somebody. . .to hear a friendly voice, to get support, to be reassured, for encouragement, etc. When this happens . . .or if you 2nd guess yourself or feel lonely or think about returning . . .take a look at the pictures you took of yourself. And repeat: what's dead is dead . . .and what's dead is dead for a reason . . .it's time for me to move on. I don't mean to beat a dead horse . . .or to scare you . . . but I don't want you to become a statistic either. Abuse is about power and control. He probably feels that he has lost all power and control over you. And he could do ANYTHING to get it back. (And fueled by coke . . .the sky is the limit.) He may seek to regain his power and control . . .his sense of "manhood" . . . by teaching you a lesson . . .by beating you and dragging you back to his house . . . or he may feel that if he can't have you no one can. Who knows exactly what abusers think . . .no less abusers who are also coke addicts. If you are in the States, watch any of those ID-TV/Crime & Investigation type shows . . .Snapped, Obsession, Disappeared . . . I say all of this to say . . .TAKE ANY & ALL STEPS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM HIM NOW!!!!! Get that restraining order. Whether you get one or not, also consider doing any or all of the following: Get a pitbull or other guard-type dog. Install cameras & videos in and around your home. Get a security system. Change your locks. Move. Get a new car (or at least new license plates). Get a new phone number. Ask the police and friends to do welfare checks on you & your home. Change your routine. You never imagined he would hit you . . .he surprised you here. PLEASE . . .Don't let him surprise you again. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed now. You've been through a lot in a short period of time. Continue to take those me-breaks often and frequently. Can you share some of your "to-do" list with your 2 relatives? Gurl, I'm so happy for and Proud of you!!!!! Wrapping you in prayers & hugs, Lynn oxoxo This post has been edited by hurtingmom on May 1, 2017, 4:46 AM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: May 1, 2017, 6:06 AM
Lynn, You have no idea how much I needed that hug.
I had a dream about him each night this weekend. one, where i saw him and he was coked out, his lips and face turned white and he was rail thin, all of this happened right before my eyes and all i wanted to do was help me. This morning, i dreamed i went back to get the rest of my stuff and he wasn't there. The house was cleaned. I hate that i miss him. I am repeating - what's dead is dead, what's dead is dead for reason. I used to watch the ID channel shows with him, but as i laid there i felt uncomfortable watching with him because I didn't want him to get any ideas but since I've returned home, i will watch again. I for some reason feel like a painted him as a bad guy, i called the domestic hotline again last night and the person i spoke to was sure that he had been reported before because i told her now 'i know why his ex upped and left with her kids and never returned' She said, 'I am almost sure he has been reported before.' I take it upon myself to go online and get one of those background checks, it came back squeaky clean, made me feel guilty. Made me feel dumb. I know what he did to me was wrong, every bit of it. I know i am wrong for thinking he wont come back, i will continue to try to motivate myself to get restraining order but its hard when i dont feel he is a threat. He's been very quiet. I promise that i am not going back, i promise that he will not be in my life again, i just am sad and being dumb. This post has been edited by DaLies on May 1, 2017, 6:07 AM -------------------- Last days | ||
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: May 1, 2017, 9:10 PM
Da-
Things will get better. Years ago, I left a guy that I was madly in love with. Seriously, I still think, on some level, he was the love of my life. But, he had a lying problem (looking back, probably addiction problem). It was the very hardest thing I have done to leave him. I was a mess for at least 6 months. I recently saw him and I felt NOTHING. It took me awhile to get there, but it gets there. I cannot tell you how happy I was----to feel nothing for this guy. He was not good to me, but I fell for him. To look at him, and finally feel nothing except feelings of love and pride in myself! You will get there. Keep moving through your grief. And, it is certainly NOT you. That is a game we play with ourselves with bad relationships. It is HIM. You deserve better. Hang in there. | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: May 1, 2017, 11:38 PM
Da....Thought you might gain strength from this. I took it from on one of PapaBears posts and thought I'd bring it up for you to read. Mary.
She Let Go She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of fear. She let go of the judgements. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore. | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: May 2, 2017, 8:06 AM
Mary,
I love that poem, I'm glad you reposted it! It really can be relevant for so many things that go on in our lives. Thanks for sharing it. -------------------- Michelle | ||
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