Stop Enabling
Posted: March 15, 2017, 11:40 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: March 13, 2017



I know I need to finally stop enabling my 29 year old heroin addicted so. This nightmare has gone on since he's 14. I am so scared for him to be hungry, cold , dirty. Nothing I do or did has helped. Lots of lawyers. Bailing him out.Failed out of every drug court he was lucky enough to be put into. Thanks to my lawyers. He spent 2 years in prison half of that time in solitary cuz his drug use. Then he got sober for a year. It was wonderful eventhouh he was locked up. He was my beautiful smart son again. It lasted 2 mos. after he got out. The he spent time in Rikers for parole violation. Why would he choose jail. Why get high if the judge tells you you're going to prison if you use. I don't get this. Hundred thousand dollars plus spent trying to help him. I want him to have this great life .. he doesn't care. He got kicked out of JCAP and now is in prison rehab for 45 days. Please please tell me your story if you have ever finally stopped helping. What happened when you did. Did they survive what was it like. Did it help did they get better, worse, die. I love my beautiful son, this sucks. I hate this. This has stolen my joy. I am so terrified.
Please if you can, please tell me what it is like to have your kid be hungry.
Constantine. Please if you have a moment, can you tell me what you think. I read your posts yesterday.
Thank you.
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Posted: March 15, 2017, 12:21 PM


Posts: 650
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello Sad, keep reading the posts, you will find a few moms who's sons are in jail. Some sons who are on the run. some sons who are in their mom's face every day. and so on. We all came here after enabling for too long. to stop enabling does seem to give us distance and a little more peace in our lives. some get better, some worse and some die, we do not know which ones it will be or when. it is really very sad and you have to put your faith in a higher power, in order have the strength to stop the enabling. you have to want to do this for YOU and for your son. when he sees you taking care of YOUrself, maybe he will get the picture that you are not taking care of him anymore, HE needs to take care of himself.

And you need to tell him this is not a bad thing. this is long overdue and he needs to be independent from you. and that you deserve to have peace in your life. You are not responsible, you did not create the problems, cant cure it and cant control it.


Read these posts: Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No

and read the tabs at the top of the webpage - beyond recovery, find treatment, programs and resources.

others have found help w Addictsmom website, and SMART recovery online website for recovering addicts.

ALSO find a Naranon or Alanon group in your area so you can get out of the house and talk to real people. and find programs in your community.



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Posted: March 15, 2017, 2:06 PM


Posts: 2580
Joined: January 4, 2008



...non addicts are able to hear a judge telling them if they use again they're going to prison..and not use.....addicts...like me...just begin to wonder what prison I'm going to ...cuz...I will use...it's got nothing to do with what you do or don't do...you really can't fix us...you've got to let us decide we want to stay clean on our own...and let us figure out how we want to do it...without you...doesn't matter if he's doing time or on a deserted island...he's ready only when he's ready...and that is something only we alone can decide...you've got to take care of yourself. ..detach from the using...the life that comes with it....this is his journey...not yours...you have to live your own..and just love us as best you can...it takes as long as it takes...be good to yourself. ..find a support group...learn how to detach from us with love...your in a good starting place here...these family members are the best..I wish you well

This post has been edited by constantine on March 15, 2017, 2:19 PM
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Posted: March 15, 2017, 2:22 PM


Posts: 650
Joined: June 27, 2016



sweet! con, I like the analogy - you are so correct - no wonder us non-addicts dont understand!
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Posted: March 15, 2017, 7:20 PM


Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017



Sad53
Hi I'm Dee, I've been here for just a short period of time. I can't begin to tell you how much this family have helped me. NYToFlorida, Con, Bonnie5 and a few others have been a great support for me. I have enable for so long I was losing my mind when I began posting here. I have learned to say no. The hardest thing I have done is leave my son Homeless, hungry, dirty, broke and in a bad way, but I have decided that he was making me sick and that I was taking my life back with the help from (the family I'll never meet). I have told all that I was unable to laugh, enjoy others eat, sleep, every holiday was unhappy faking a smile for others. But I read a lot and took some good advice from others. My son would call me all kinds of names. But loves me to death. I don't answer every call I don't engage in lengthy conversations cause after a short time he goes back to blaming me. You learn to get control again. Once you gain knowledge you become stronger. You learn what manipulation is and you start to understand why they say the things they do. I've seen first hand they survive. Detaching with love is working and I so wish I would of found this group so much sooner. I love my son and he loves me but him living with me is not an option no more I had given him chances and he has always messed it up he was in so many rehabs and detox that his coverage is blocked now. He is living free with a friend and still is not trying hard enough to find a job. He thinks things are ok between us but they are not I'm not letting him off the hook that easy. Just two weeks ago he was homeless dirty and hungry and blamed it on me. No more he's in charge of his life not me. I no long listen to all his drama I say it's not my business. He still comes around and try's to ask for money I just say no get a job. So please don't feel sad!!! No matter how you feel to let they are the ones suffering not you. So you can enable him and suffer or you can say no and suffer but knowing that you are trying to help him be accountable for his actions. My thoughts and prays will be with you and your son. And please read all the stories others have suggested they helped me so much.


Dee
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Posted: March 15, 2017, 8:06 PM


Posts: 332
Joined: August 28, 2016



Sad--

My son is a 46 y/o addict and I was the best enabling mom there is! We have spent so much effort, money, and emotions on him, I can't even begin to tell you.

My son came from a professional family and had everything he could want. When he was 16 he got in with "friends" and became abusive and started with stealing a valuable violin from his high school music teacher. After that he stole from us and progressed onto stealing from friends, family that helped him, car junk yards, etc. He was arrested but got off each time because we hired attys to fix the matter and again lots of money expenses. After the 5th theft event he was sentenced to 2 yrs. in prison. This didn't phase him and he said he got drugs and booze in prison. Two yrs. later he was back in prison for drugs and theft. His driving record is many pages long of numerous offenses. After he got out of the 2nd prison time he was using and making meth. He was abusive verbally to us and his then girlfriend. We have been called every name you could think of!

We continued to set him up in apartments with food and clothing, bought at least 5 cars which he wrecked or sold, paid for gas, spending money and each time told ourselves this was the time he would straighten out and get a life.

Well fast forward to 2016 and he is still the same old Chris. Nasty, mean, and on drugs!

I found this site when I had lost it one night and was beside myself. That was in August of 2016 and after that we found out we weren't alone and that the support and advice on here was like a light at the end of the tunnel!

We stopped enabling him and when he texts or calls we do not allow abusive language or talk. We say to him "this conversation is over "and hang up! We do not give him money for anything or buy him anything anymore at all! We don't answer phone calls from him after 9 pm. If he says how bad off he is we tell him that the Salvation Army is available for food and housing. We tell him we have faith that he can figure this out and that we love him. We do not budge!! He usually says something nasty and hangs up but that's ok because for the first time in many years he is not living on the streets or in his car and he got an apartment and is paying off the car title loan he took out. He says he has a job too.

I don't think for one minute that this will last because of his history, but I hope and pray for him and just maybe since he has to finally rely on himself, he might succeed.

For the first time in many years we can breathe, sleep, and enjoy things in life.

I love my son and I pray for his safety and wise choices ,but I no longer will be manipulated and treated like one of the people off the street and disrespected! Life is too short to live the way we used to!

Stay strong and stop the enabling. You just might save his life and yours! I didn't want to be living like this or doing this till my dying day!

Nothing changes if nothing changes!!

(((HUGS)))Lori
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Posted: March 15, 2017, 8:15 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: March 13, 2017



I appreciate the answers and the time you took to answer me. So thank you.
I hate this. I hate this. I'm so sad. I hate drugs I hate that it has stolen 15 years of joy from my life. I hate that my son is not ok and he will never be what he could've been. So smart. Before the drugs the smartest in his class. Now he's a fu..n felon junkie with no or a limited future. I hate that my son is suffering and could die. I hate this drug. I hate that now all that is left I need to leave him homeless and hungry. It's not fair and I can not stand the thought. My son is so fu'mn
Stupid. Why so fu..n stupid why doesn't he just stop using. Wtf is he so fu""n stupid god damn all this misery. I hate being a part of this club. I hate all my colleagues and friends all have good kids. Graduate college play sports. I was a good parent I was good to him. We were a family.
He was a wonderful guy. I loved being his mom. I hate god.
Sorry


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Posted: March 15, 2017, 8:50 PM


Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017



Sad,
I'm so sorry your feeling that way. Please be assured your son is not stupid... on the contrary he is very smart. The drugs are just controlling him. God has not sone this as much as you had nothing to do with this. We all hate drugs even the addicts. The drugs are controlling them. Speak to someone you sound really sad and hateful that's not good. I was there. I never for one minute hated God. I started to say the rosary for my son and God has listened. For me at least. One you find some peace and let go of some of that hate you will be better able to see things right. It's never to late for your son. Don't enable him but don't lose hope. He will make it they are survivors but us Mothers sometimes are not. You will be no good to anyone sick. Please keep reading some of the post and you will find peace. These are journeys that our loved one much travel. Detaching with love has changed so much for me that even I can beleive it. I was a sucker for it all. Took the blame suffered as much as my son if not more. While he was dealing with his life high and away from reality I on the other hand was facing it eyes wide open. Keep the faith. Please


Dee
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 12:12 AM


Posts: 2580
Joined: January 4, 2008



1. We are not suffering like you think we are... 2. We are not stupid...hungry like you think..freezing cold or alone...most of us survive pretty well out there ....3. we don't stop because we like it and because we are addicts. .it's all about the fix...the life...and you cannot understand that. .ever... unless you are one of us ..4. we know we play with death every day and do not think like you do...5...there are many on here who have the right to hold a grudge against God...and don't....I've said this before....you will never know who else in this world needs your son to be exactly who he is to help them on their own journey. .. I understand this is not what you wanted for your son. ..but you can't know if his journey just as it is ..has a reason for being so....we all teach each other...touch each others lives...who am I to know whose life needed me to be who...what and where I am...please be gentle with yourself. ..

Peace
Con

This post has been edited by constantine on March 16, 2017, 12:13 AM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 7:18 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: March 13, 2017



I'm sorry Constantine. That was rude of me. I wish there was a way for me to delete that post.
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 7:46 AM


Posts: 419
Joined: April 4, 2016



Loving Welcome, Sad! So glad you found us . . . so sorry you are on this journey known as Addiction with us.

First, sit down . . . Take a deep breath and hold it for 5 seconds & then release!! Do this 4 more times. Why? I can hear the panic, fear & frustration. Take this time from your schedule and just relax for a few. Feel peaceful and calm for just this small piece of time.

I can understand that you are mad at your son . . . and mad at God. None of us would have chosen this life for our kids. None of us told them, "When you grow up I want you to be an addict, a thief, liar & cheat." All of us provided our kids with the best we could while we were raising them. Its hard to understand why God would make being an addict/junkie (there is a difference) someone's mission in life. In fact, I still don't understand why He chose my child . . .I guess I never will. But . . .part of my journey is accepting His plan for my daughter's life.

My 21 yo daughter had a choice to make last July. She moved to FL for detox/rehab in March 2016 . . .she Od'd in July. . . I flew to be by her side . . .and eventually brought her home. For me, the choice would have been simple: stay home where it is warm & safe; no bedbugs; no worry about anyone stealing your stuff; a fridge & 2 freezers full of food; you can get your hair done, nails done; car at your disposal . . .stay home where it is comfy, safe & free . . . OR return to being hungry, homeless, penniless in sunny FL . . .where she got worse, not better. For her . . .the choice was simple, too. She went back to FL. I call this addict logic . . .bc for my daughter 2 + 2= 22.

She and her loser boyfriend found ways to eat, sleep and get high. . . without a dime from hubby or me. At one point in time they had over $1500 . . . which they used to live in hotels, ate well and got royally f'ed up. When the money ran out, they went back to rehab and used it like a hotel. Addicts are some of the most resourceful folks I know. . . if you give them lemons and water, not only will they make lemonade but they will also make eye compresses with the lemon slices, lemon popsicles and a Lemon pie. . .and sell it all to buy more drugs.

I don't remember if anyone suggested . . .but please read on this board Ways Family Members Can Help, Let Me Fall By Myself, Will You Learn to Say No & What Not to Do.

Please don't be mad at God . . .or kick him to the curb . . .yet. You will need God . . .or your high power to deal with Addiction . . .to love your baby in spite of himself . . .to let your baby continue on his path . . .to love you as much as you love him . . .and you not go crazy or be consumed by fear or guilt. I get being mad at God . . .there are times when I am furious. For me, part of detaching with love & stop enabling was letting go & letting God. The only way I could say No to my only child was through prayer & meditation. I prayed . . and prayed some more . . .I think God got tired of hearing from me OR he stopped listening . . .did He not hear my prayers to protect my daughter . . .to keep her safe? Did He not understand that I was asking Him to fix her . . .deliver her from her addiction & return her to me safe and sound . . .but while she was using to make sure she didn't Od or have something bad happen to her or prevent her from doing something unthinkable. If He knows my heart & mind . . .He knew what I meant when I prayed my simple prayer for her protection and safety. Long story made short . . .besides I stil haven't learned the art of crying & typing . . .God gave my daughter her wings on 8.29.16. Carfentanyl and coke. But her DOC was heroin.

Do I want my current situation??? Am I happy???? Is this the outcome I hoped for, dreamed of, or prayed about? Hell to the No!!!!! But . . .it is what it is. My current prayer is that God allows me to accept the plan He had for her life . . .and to trust the plan for mine. I think your question is, "How do I want to live my life given that my son IS an addict . . .given that HE makes bad choices & decisions (so bad that Helen Keller could see them) . . .given that as much as I love him I can't fix or control his Addiction. . . given that ...?"

'Nough said.

Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on March 16, 2017, 7:52 AM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 8:00 AM


Posts: 419
Joined: April 4, 2016



DAYUM . . .I was typing while you were posting, Sad. For your future reference . . .There's a little icon on the upper right side of the post which says "edit" if you want to edit. You cannot edit after someone else comments, tho.

I'm speechless on this one, Sad . . .I get that you are pissed at your son and are frustrated . ..but personal attacks????? Low & unnecessary blow. DAYUM is all I can (and will) say now.

Lynn

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Posted: March 16, 2017, 8:52 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: March 13, 2017



Lynn I just read your full post. I'm sorry your daughter passed away. I can't even imagine.
I hope your life is getting easier. I really am so sorry for your loss. It's my greatest fear.
Take care.

This post has been edited by Sad53 on March 16, 2017, 9:06 AM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 10:39 AM


Posts: 2580
Joined: January 4, 2008



I don't tell myself anything when I use. ..b/c your right...I'm a junkie...a functional addict until I'm not...been so for over 30 years....I accept what I am...but it's only a part of who I am....and yes...your also right.. I've hurt many people who love me at times while in deep active addiction ...because they let me...until they cut me loose...i always know they love me...just can't live with the craziness that dope brings...i have lost everything many times over....I understand your anger....but it's no junkie bs....just how this junkie thinks about it all sometimes...and shares it in hopes it might help....perhaps that's what I tell myself when I watch people die ..and believe me. ..I've lost many...so maybe....don't hate the junkie ....hate the dope...hate the disease if you want...but by lashing out and being vindictive. ..no matter how well deserved...you only alienate us further. .



Con
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 11:10 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: March 13, 2017



Constantine again I'm sorry.
Can you tell me why you (collective you) just can't stop. What does it take for you to stop. That's all I want to know, what is it that actually finally makes someone stop doing heroin. What is so Great about the way heroin makes you feel, that it is better than a normal life having normal experiences. Why would someone keep doing this in the face of these horrible consequences..
please just tell me what I could tell my son to make him finally understand. What are the magic words. Please I'm just a mom asking for help cuz I'm so sad. I have no hope. So I'm asking you a total stranger, can you please tell me what I could say to make this better for my beautiful boy.






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Posted: March 16, 2017, 1:25 PM


Posts: 2580
Joined: January 4, 2008



Sad...ok...look...I am only one of 5 addicts here...Lollie being the most analytical of us. ..who can tell you probably all the behavioral..emotional...chemical ...physical and more about addiction. ..yes...we all share certain characteristics...but we are all in different stages...and we all approach our doc differently...the one thing though that we might all tell you..is...there are no magic words....that no amount of reason...begging ..threatening ..tears..loss...love...coercion...manipulation..or even physical restraint...will stop us if we do not want to stop....and trying to "understand" why is useless....you can't . ..we all get clean time in for all different reasons...and it is usually nothing to do with you or anything you could guess...Your "beautiful "boy"...is no less special than everyone's child here...and...he is a grown man....even if he got clean today..he would not return to the image you have of him or your expectation of him in your head... ...bottom line is...YOU can do nothing...you didn't cause it...cannot cure it...change it or control it...this is what we're all trying to tell you...pls. pls. find an Alanon or Naranon meeting and go to it...read the posts here...using is not all about our drug...and detox is only one step..if we even make it through that..the rest gets even harder...you cant understand him through me or anyone else. ..because you can't. ..and that's not being cruel...its just the truth...let go...detach with love.... or keep doing this dance with him and possibly kill you both...and meanwhile live with the real junkie bs...because we will lie ...and never tell you the whole truth about our use..or even if we ARE using....and this is all I'm gonna write today..I'm sorry....maybe B..mk...jen...or Lollie can check in....pls. read up...and listen to the family members here...they know what to do. ..

This post has been edited by constantine on March 16, 2017, 1:38 PM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 1:35 PM


Posts: 419
Joined: April 4, 2016



Wow Sad . . .I'm still reeling from your post of earlier this morning. I'm thanking the moderator Gods for deleting your snarky nasty b**tchy words. . . quick, fast & in a hurry. While you may regret saying it now . . .you meant it when you typed it. Every last word. Smh. Con was sharing her experience & thoughts with the hope that they could help you. Guess not . . .

Babykins . . .if there were magic words we could say that would save our loved one's from Addiction, trust and believe at least one of us on this board would have screamed them until we are horse. If there was some anti-Addiction fairy-type dust that we could sprinkle on our kids to take their urge for dope away, we would have all gotten it and sprinkled so much dust that the world would look like it was covered in smog. If we could have each given our addicts the will or desire to stop, we would have gladly given anything and everything, including an arm and a leg. Hell, I still would gladly trade my life for my daughter's. If love was enough to stop addiction, we have enough love on this board alone to save the entire world from addiction. And, I'm a professional argue-er. . .if anyone can talk addiction away, it is me. No amount of logic, reason, pleading, begging or oratory splendor is a match for addiction.

We have all sent our kids to and paid for goo gobs of detoxes, rehabs, IOPs for our kids. We have paid rent, bought cars, bailed them out of jail, paid dealers, fought dealers . . .all because we love our kids. We have gone to group meetings, individual therapy, family therapy. We have moved them across town and across the country. I think if someone told us to wear purple socks every 3rd Thursday to help our kids, we would all be purple sock wearing somebodies. Collectively, I think we have tried everything and anything to help, rescue, cure or fix our loved ones.

Ok . . .here's the news: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CONTROL OR CURE HIS ADDICTION!! Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Nyet. Just like there is nothing you did or didn't do to cause it in the first place. He is a grown up now . . .this is HIS monkey . . .and this is HIS show. You cannot make him do anything . . .if he doesn't want to get clean and sober he won't. The point of my story re my daughter was not to get sympathy . . .but to illustrate that in active addiction nothing matters but the drug. She rejected a nice comfy lifestyle for the uncertainty of drugs and the drug lifestyle. I even told her on many many occasions that death was a possibility and that I didn't want to bury her. Do you think that this made a difference to her???? No. . . not one iota. In fact, she Od'd and was narcan'd hours before she took the fatal carfentanyl dose . . .who does this?????? (Clearly, you have not read the posts I suggested.)

You only have control over you . . .focus on that. Give your boy to God . . .and let God & your son battle his addiction. And give your heart to Jesus . . .

Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on March 16, 2017, 1:39 PM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 1:40 PM


Posts: 2580
Joined: January 4, 2008



Jesus..fcking thank you HM
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 1:47 PM


Posts: 488
Joined: October 15, 2016



its so very sad , everything to do with drugs is so sad for everybody but us addicts , we are fine even when you think we are not , as long as we get our "thing" we are fine ..walk over dead bodies if needed and nothing you say/do will change his way until he really want .. I am addict for more or less 20 years and stopped few times bur somehow always end up going back to heroin. Right now i am unhappy with situation as it is so will try to change it but not for my husband or my parents but for me1 I tried to change for others and didnt work. I see others told you already to look after yourself first and leave him to fend for himself and this is the best you can do for him or keep helping and he probably will never change and why he would and when he always have you to take care of him..you see drugs makes us selfish and we do love you just we must first and always think about our addiction . If you can read other people posts it will help you
regards,Bonnie
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Posted: March 16, 2017, 2:09 PM


Posts: 488
Joined: October 15, 2016



ok here is just 1 small answer to your question what took for some of us to stop well for my husband was finding out he will need transplant, only then he stopped (this was 3 years ago) and only bc doctor made plainly clear if not he will certainly die withing months .. on the other end i am fine, i can use but i felt fed up (only after 20 years lol) fed up with scoring, fed up with giving away my hard earned cash and mostly to help my better half to stay clean(solidarity) but even all that cant stop me using when i feel like it which i did twice in last few years... for everybody is different but it takes big character and strong will to stay clean or work on your addition, easiest is to detox what comes after is most important and we usually value only this when we get to that point on our own efforts, when things are handed down to us on plate we dont care much
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