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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 9, 2017, 2:13 PM
Any advice?
My 25 year old daughter, a mother of a one year old and is now 6 months pregnant.My daughter is currently using suboxone legally thru her new doctor, started this week. She had opiates in her system at her first doctor visit for suboxone.She also has a current charge of bank fraud/check cashing. Robbed the family of over $1,500 a few ago before agreeing to get help legally. Family members are just starting to stop or slow down the enabling.She lives on her own, with boyfriend, who comes and goes ( he's drug free )....she works part-time, being evicted soon. How much support do you offer as far as the grandchild is concerned? Babysitting...food...clothes..? And will Children's Services do anything....help? How bad before they take child or children away? Trying to balance help and care for grandchild without enabling the daughter. | ||
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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 9, 2017, 7:03 PM
New to message board, most of the post are about sons, need some info when kids are involved.
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: January 9, 2017, 8:25 PM
Welcome Jeffrey. I'm sorry that you have reason to join us here but hope this will be a place of comfort for you where you feel supported by those who understand.
I am the mom of an addicted daughter. However, my girl doesn't have kids. So, I have no first hand knowledge of what to do with grandkids without enabling your kid. But.. .my heart says that the grand kids didn't ask to be born and should be properly taken care of no matter what. If your daughter can't/won't care for her child, then I don't think it is enabling to take over caring of your grands. For me, it would be enabling if my grands lived with my daughter but I supported the whole lot. . .shoot, it would be enabling in my book if I gave my daughter access to cash, gift cards or even a charge card to buy my grands the necessities. Me? I'm not supporting a grown woman. . .BUT I'd go get my grands and bring them home with me. My daughter is more than 7 times 3 and can fend for herself. But my grands????? As long as they lived with me, I'd put clothes on their backs, food in their stomach, provide them my house as a warm, loving place to stay, etc. I'd also go to court to get legal custody. (If you don't have custody, yout kid can take your grand anytime she likes and there is nothing you can do about it.) Re Child Services. From what I understand if your daughter is clear with her OB/GYN that she is on suboxone and if she does not test positive for anything else and/or the baby does not show any signs of withdrawal, child services will not get involved. Sending gentle hugs, Lynn xoxo -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 9, 2017, 8:40 PM
Thank you HurtingMom, I've been learning a lot from this board. I appreciate your advice and agree with you.
Jeff | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 9, 2017, 8:47 PM
Hi J, there are several mom's on this board who have been taking care of their grandchildren. I have a son, no grandchildren. (trying to convince my kids not to have any! lol) my son and daughter were both addicted, each for about 3 years. it was frightening. we knew about one first and when that one got straightened out, we found out about the other one. so 6 years straight of nightmare. my husband and I started going to naranon meetings. That helped a lot to get us on the same page and to discuss strategy of how to deal with the problem of the week. It is strange how when going thru it, I would always think it was temporary, this is the last time giving (money, gas, etc) It will all be be better next week, next month, etc..... Things have gotten better bc my daughter went in army at 19 yrs old - luckily she saved herself from addiction. then we went thru it with our son. he spent 2 yrs in florida struggling with relapsing. currently he is living w his sister and talking about coming back home.
Your situation - go to alanon or naranon - something to help YOU get YOUR life back. Regarding the grandchildren - it must be almost impossible to separate between giving for your grandchild, but not enabling your daughter. It is similar to how it is so difficult to stop enabling when the addicted child lives at home. too hard to be detached and not trigger eachother when living in the same house. In your case, I think you can give food and clothing and baby sit without giving money that would be used for drugs. If she is taking suboxone, she isnt using? If you do not help her as needed, it could be detrimental to the unborn baby? If she goes to jail, who will watch the 1 yr old and then the baby? The father - is he the father of both children? If he is not using, why does he come and go? Does that sound odd? Why does he not have full custody? I dont know what you are capable of doing. and I dont have experience. I think I would start getting as much information about getting guardianship of the kids, if that is what you want to do. maybe share the childcare with the other grandparents? If you do end up with the children, I would share the pain with the other grandparents and the father. dont hide it and take it all on your self. basically, if they are clean and trying, you can help. BUT it is so hard to walk that fine line. and not knowing if they are or not, and constantly be at the bad end of their lies. this is the part you do not want - you do not want to be evaluating, policing, guessing, watching..... you want them to live their life and you live yours... The list of What Not To Do is a good place to start. My son has not lived home in about 3 years. I wish I stuck to a list like that 3 years ago. If he comes back, I need to follow it 100%. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 9, 2017, 8:55 PM | ||
Posts: 15
Joined: December 3, 2016
Posted: January 9, 2017, 11:14 PM
Jeffrey, My daughter was on prescribed soboxone when she found out that she was pregnant. Her doctor changed her to subutex which he said was safer for the baby. After she gave birth, they put the baby in NNICU because of the subutex. CPS was immediately involved and followed up with visits after being brought home. I do not know the procedure in your state, but in Pennsylvania CPS is brought in on any births to addicts even if the drugs are legally prescribed.
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 10, 2017, 9:11 AM
Hi Jeff, I raise my grandchild. I've had her since she was 2-3 yrs old. I knew something was up when one morning when I was to babysit her and she was so hungry.. She couldn't eat her breakfast fast enough. Another time when I watched her she slept the whole day long which I found was very strange too. I thought maybe she had a bad night and didn't sleep much. There's always reasons you can come up with because you don't want to think the worst. Another time she had a raw butt so bad it looked like it was burnt. Terrible! Later found out the child was with the parents in drug houses getting babysat by anyone that would watch her while the mother went and shot up heroin or crack or whatever the drug of choice would be at the time. Chances are she had the same diaper on for days. Who's to say for sure? I don't know! But this happened over a weekend when I didn't have her. I also suspect that they might have been given something to make her sleep a lot too...but I don't know. But that's when I kept her and started keeping her all the time. She is 10 now and is a happy child considering the chaos in our lives at times. My daughter didn't stay off drugs for long if at all after the baby was born, she does the methadone program and cocaine/ heroin whatever she likes and the babies father is an alcoholic today and still dabbles in drugs. I would say to you that your grandchild may not be taken care of properly but it's hard to say. If your daughter is serious about being a mom and wants off drugs or if she just tells you what she thinks you want to hear. Do you see the baby often enough to think it's in danger? I saw mine everyday because I was the babysitter. I worked from home so it was easy for me. I wouldn't worry so much about whether you taking custody of the child/children is enabling your daughter. I would worry more about if the child is being put on the back burner while mom parties as she's still very young. Good luck to you. It's a nightmare..I know!! Mary.
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Posted: January 10, 2017, 9:37 AM
Hi Jeff,
I wanted to give my two cents' worth - if your daughter is on subutex/suboxone when she delivers, I think that they will take her history into account and make a referral to social services who will most likely make a referral to child protective services. The newborn will most likely be going through some sort of withdrawal from subutex after birth, which will require a longer hospital stay for the newborn. In my state, CPS will come see the mother in hospital or follow up once they are discharged, but in this case, with the longer hospitalization to treat the newborn, I would think a CPS visit would occur while the baby is hospitalized. They will also test the newborn's stool (bm) for drugs. How is your daughter managing with her older child? Was she on anything during her first pregnancy? Mary, I never realized all that went on before you took your granddaughter in. She is blessed to have you and you are an angel. ❤ | ||
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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 10, 2017, 2:25 PM
A big Thanks to Angelmom, Mandn, Mtgirl and NytoFlorida. Great words of wisdom found on this message board.
I will definitely look into Naranon. My daughters attentiveness to her child has steadily decrease over the last few months. The family continues to check in and help with the one year old. Currently the granddaughter spend about 1/2 of her week with family members. The father of the child has never had any interest in the child, he has lots of issues, along with his parents, who lost custody of the father when he was a child. We are hoping that when we legally need to take custody that the father's family won't try to also get custody. Another fear is that my daughter will sign over custody to "inlaws' to get back at us for not enabling her... Daughter will be one week on zubsolv this weekend. She doesn't seem to be that enthusiastic in her effort to clean up her life. Roller Coaster ride everyday, while family prepare mentally and physically toward the great possibility of raising her child. | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 10, 2017, 4:23 PM
Hi Jeff, Forgot to say...Lawyer visit is free for the first one. You could go get advice. Sorry your having to go through this. Mary.
Mtgirl....Thank you! She is the light of my life!!Take care my friend. Mary 🌻 This post has been edited by Mandm on January 10, 2017, 4:29 PM | ||
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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 13, 2017, 4:11 PM
update: This Saturday my daughter (25 ) goes for her second round of suboxone. No counseling, or group meetings yet. Improvements have been seen as far as her activity level and attentiveness to her one year old.
The issue is now her grandparents has seen slight improvement with her so they are starting to devise plans to help her pay off court fines and other issues. Small amounts of money is being given to her. I see its like the flood gates of enabling is opening.... She has not had to faced one financial consequence to date. Despite stealing over three thousand dollars in the last two months. I know they think they are helping, but how do i get them to realize that it doesn't help. And just prolongs it and makes it worse. | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: January 13, 2017, 6:16 PM
Jeff--
Maybe you could get them to Naranon with you. They can learn the best approaches for your daughter and get support from people in similar situations. Tough situation when you have well intention family members that don't realize that they aren't helping her by giving her money or paying her debts and not holding her accountable. Praying you get some resolutions for you and your daughter --- Lori | ||
Posts: 288
Joined: October 12, 2006
Posted: January 14, 2017, 8:53 AM
Couple thoughts: If you are really in fear of the kid/kids being neglected and need custody...do WHATEVER it takes. Enable the hell outta her UNTIL the papers are signed. Not nice I know but neither is addiction. Also depending on where you live you may want to just try Alanon instead of Naranon. Alanon has many more meetings...more convenient ect and follow they exact same formula..just change the drug of choice.
-------------------- JEN I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power,love and a sound mind. 
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Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: May 11, 2017, 11:02 AM
Update:
My daughter had her baby three weeks ago. She continued to stay on subs during pregnancy. Baby boy did have a trace of subs in his system.She claims to had been weaning herself off them. But baby came two weeks early. Social services came in, they have visited her apartment. The social services have "reschedule " twice. Daughter claims they are going to drug test her soon. Haven't been impressed with social services. But I'm sure they are swamped, and my daughters environment appears very stable and middle class looking from an outsider. She returned to her hard to find Suboxone Obgyn Doctor to continue her sub treatment after giving birth. The doctor's clinic is nothing but a suboxone mill, but it's better then the alternative. Daughter continues to lie, sneak around and evade being honest. No real therapy or NA has been attempted yet. So,no real hope that this sub time will last. However, other family members are slowly becoming less enablers. She has yet to really face any real consequences for her addictions. Thanks for reading my story.... | ||
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