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Going Through It


Posts: 2
Joined: October 5, 2016


Posted: October 5, 2016, 11:01 PM
Let me start off by first saying that I absolutely hate drugs and I always have. I don't even know how I ended up in this situation. I met my husband 4 years ago. I should have taken it as some kind of red flag when he asked me if I did drugs of any kind, like pills. I said no. He quickly responded with good and explained how his family had a huge history of pill abuse and he hated it. He hated pills. A few months down the road, I discovered he took a pain pill called tramadol (non-narcotic). He had been prescribed it for a broken ankle and insured it was a non-narcotic as he had informed his doctor of his family history. I had never heard of it so I blew it off as nothing. It wasn't until he started "losing" pills or accusing people of "stealing" them when he would run out early. He would panic and search under car cushions, couches, anywhere he could to find a pill he may have dropped. His explanation for doing this was that while he did not have an addiction to the pills themselves, he would get really sick if he ran out because he had been taking them for so long. His body was dependent on them. Once again, I am new to this whole world of addiction, especially when it comes to pills. I thought this was a reasonable answer, and again I had never heard of tramadol. Not in the traditional sense that you hear of the other major opiates. After all, it was non-narcotic. After a few months of running out too early, and noticing he would be the first one at the pharmacy when they opened, or have an emergency room visit for some kind of "pain" he was having. I started to suspect something wasn't right. I, at this point, believed that his body was physically dependent and that I just needed to help him taper off the pills so he could return to a normal life. We did this for awhile, and it just ensured that his supply lasted as long as it was supposed too. 112 pills every two weeks. Why anyone should run out of that early was always beyond me. He had his excuses though; His leg was hurting really bad, He wasn't counting how much he was taking, He would lose them. And I bought every excuse as reasonable. One of the times, when he ran out too early, he decided he was done and wasn't going to get his prescription refilled. I have never experienced or seen anything like what he went through in my life. It was pure hell, for both of us. He couldn't sleep, he was sick to his stomach, night sweats, depression. It was awful. He had called into work several days in a row. It took 2 full weeks of this before he finally started to feel better. I was so happy this was out of our lives. We got married, and had a baby. This was 3 years ago. He stayed off of the tramadol by replacing it with kratom for an entire year. It was expensive too, with how much he was taking. Anyways, one day, I noticed he had called his old "pain med" doctor. I knew right then and there that he was getting the prescription again and I confronted him about it. He said his leg was hurting so bad, and that he was going to be taking the tramadol again until the summer (which was roughly 5 months away) when he would be referred to a surgeon to fix his leg. I knew at this point. There was no denying it anymore. I couldn't believe his excuses. I knew he was back on it, and that that day would not come. I was right. This was 2 years ago now. The last few months things started to take a turn for the worse, and he was having very frequent urgent care, emergency room visits conveniently when it was a few days before his prescription was due. Tooth aches, back aches, swelling, eye pain. All different issues he had going on in a few months. I prayed and I prayed that he would somehow get off the pills. The doctor upped his dosage to 120 pills every two weeks PLUS 60 hydrocodone every 60 days. There was no excuse for him to run out, but sure enough he had them. I was too tired to argue with the lies anymore. I knew the truth. I wanted to call the doctor and tell him. I wanted to DO something, but I knew I couldn't. I knew it had to be a decision that he made or he'd just find another source. So, I did the only thing I could, and continue to pray. I guess I had been slacking with my prayers until last night. I am hormonal and 9 months pregnant. I'm due in 2 weeks, and I just prayed to god.. prayed hard to god that he would quit taking the pills. I didn't want to bring our baby into this mess. Well, I guess god was listening last night because this morning instead of going to work I found out my husband had went to see his doctor for some back pain. His doctor said he couldn't get his hydrocodone filled until Saturday and handed him a post-dated prescription. He immediately left and went to urgent care for this issue with the back pain and they called his doctor to schedule a follow up. His doctor got very upset about this and called my husband to inform him that he could no longer see him as patient because he got a pain prescription from another doctor. My husband called me immediately sobbing. He was very upset. So this is where we are now. I'm having to taper him down using the few hydrocodone that he has left, preparing for the next two weeks of misery and scared of what is going to happen when I go into labor. I'm scared he will lose his job, because he "won't be able to work" (btw, that's always been his excuse for not quitting). I'm scared because we will have two kids now, and I am not currently working. I'm terrified of what this means for us and our marriage. I'm scared he will go through some other means to get his fix, or worse try something new. It's funny. I wanted this so bad, and now I am just scared. I looked into the outpatient rehabs around here so that he could get the help he needs and still work, but they are expensive. I feel guilty, because I want to leave. And I want to leave because I'm afraid of the unknown of what will happen. Mainly because as I said earlier, this wasn't his choice. It was the doctors. He is not choosing to quit. And now, our baby is being brought into the world in the midst of an opiod withdrawal. Maybe I just needed to vent. I have no one else to talk to about this because I've kept it hidden from everyone for so long. The only ones who know are his family members, who all have drug issues as well.


Posts: 41
Joined: July 3, 2016


Posted: October 6, 2016, 8:02 AM
if giving birth and caring for a just born and a toddler isn't enough... I tend to think that I can do it all myself too, another atribute of my codependency. Be kind to yourself, you are the one who should be taken care of right now.


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 6, 2016, 8:26 AM
Sad welcome Wife. Glad you found us. Sorry you need us.

I, too, was prescribed Tramadol when I broke my neck. I could get a limitless supply in 2003 and for many many years later. Why? Bc tramadol was non-narcotic, non-addicting. Shoot . . .I just found 90 Tramadol that I never took. I haven't asked for a refill in years bc I've accepted the every day pain. . .I keep Rx when the pain gets too bad for Aleve . . . . that happens maybe 3x per year. I understand that now I no longer have an unfettered supply bc its just been discovered that Tramadol is an opiate and is addicting. WHAT??!! I get your anger . . .doctors were dishing it out to me like Skittles. In fact, doctors still regularly offer me massive pain drugs if I complain. There but for the grace of God, I could be your hubby Yes, there is something seriously wrong with this medical system.

Ok. . .take a deep breath. . .hold it for 4 seconds and release. Do this a couple of more times.

You have what you have now. . .a horrible situation. Read the posts here. There is at least one recurring theme. . .you can't change an addict. Yes, non-addicts would identify they have a problem . . .a BIG problem with a stay-at-home mom. 1 kid here and 1 on the way. . .we'd wake up and smell the coffee. . . and commit to putting drugs down. . .and we can do it. We can walk away. Addicts can't walk away. Your hubby, I'm sure, understands on some level that he needs to remain functional and responsible. But bc he is an addict, the drugs block or obscure this.

Please get as much information and education as you can about this horrid disease. Please get support for Alanon/Naranon. And please keep coming back here.

Here's my 2 cents: It sounds like you want. . .or have to stay with him. . .at least right now. Ok. . .this does not mean that you should just lie around and do nothing. Empower yourself. Going to meetings, googling "detachment with love," "enabling". Read on this site "What Not to Do" & "Let Me Fall By Myself." Learn about the disease and how you may be contributing to it and/or (unwittingly) blocking his path to sobriety. Remember. . .you only have control over you!!! After you have the baby, look into schools or jobs for you. You will need a few dollars for you and the kids if he gets fired, or decides to go on a run, or you decide to separate from him. Open separate bank/credit card accounts. Lock up your jewelry & valuables. Set boundaries and rules for him. . .and let him know what the consequences will be for violations. . .and then stick with them.

At least for my daughter, drugs were more important than anything and anybody. Drugs/her addiction overruled common sense, defied logic and kicked the s**t out of the morals & values she was raised with. So protect yourself. . .and protect your babies.

Sending a huge hug & Lifting you up in prayer
Lynn

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015


Posted: October 6, 2016, 2:35 PM
Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this misery when having your baby should be a happy time for you. Don't you have someone who can help you? A mother or anyone close by? Please try to get help! Can you move in with your mom? If I was you I would seriously think about where you'll be in a year from now. If you see nothing changing then it's time to move on. Start putting money away even if it's only $20 a week but do whatever you can and start making plans. This is not the life you want to have for you and your two kids because it will be a hard, sad life for you all. You sound strong going through what you've already been through with your husband. If I was your mother though I would tell you to leave. As this will not be a happy life but one of constant worry. I hope you have an easy delivery and a lovely baby! Be well! Good luck and stay strong!! ((Hugs)) Mary.🌻

Hello Lynn, Hope your doing alright! Your never far from my thoughts. ((Hugs)) Mary.💜

This post has been edited by Mandm on October 6, 2016, 8:08 PM


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: October 6, 2016, 9:08 PM
Short response: as scared as you are, he is probably that scared too. which is what keeps them in the cycle of pain vs pills.... support his efforts if everything is reasonable, plan on doing a lot on your own over the next few weeks or months, get back up plans in place for your children - child care while in hospital, etc... plan like your a single mom, hope for the best.
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