| post replypost new topic |
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: June 14, 2016, 6:28 AM
My 85 y.o. father is berating me that I am not doing enough to save my 20 y.o. daughter/his eldest grandchild. To hear him tell, I should move closer to FL OR we should move her closer to us so we can have weekly visits with her while she is living in a halfway house/doing her IOP. He told me one story about a doctor who gave up her practice to nurse her addicted son back to sobriety; and after a year or two, it worked; he's now CEO/COO/MD/ Head Booba of something.
(hint, hint) It's bad enough when you question yourself: am I doing all I can to support (without enabling) my child? Was sending her to 1,000 miles away to FL to 30 day detox (her choice) a good idea? When can she come home? I've been trying to focus on separating myself from the addiction and her journey. I've been almost chanting, "It's HER journey." OR "I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it." But THEN your father who successfully raised 2 children who have 6 degrees between us (so he must know something) tells you you aren't doing enough??!! Just sign me up for the "Bad Mommy's Award" now. What more am I supposed to do? What more am I supposed to give? PLEASE somebody tell me what I haven't done because I certainly will go do it RIGHT NOW. I don't know where I'll find the energy or strength to do it, but I will. (As it is, it takes all of my religion to get through a day at work. I come home and just collapse, exhausted from keeping the "happy face" on all day. No one at work knows what is going on with my daughter.) This post has been edited by hurtingmom on June 14, 2016, 6:38 AM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
|
Posted: June 14, 2016, 7:32 AM
Good morning. I can relate to that happy face/exhausted part of your post. I think you're already doing what you can do, which is you helped her arrange for the treatment that she chose. You can't get well for her. You can't move your life to Florida for her. My son went to rehab very close to home, yet we were not able to visit for 10 days because the facility wanted the patients to focus on recovery and not on anything else. After that we were able to visit only one hour per week and he made one phone call per week. So if you went to Florida I think you'd be sitting around with a lot of time with nothing to do for/with your daughter, disrupting your life. I'm far from an expert, but while she's there, I think you should focus on you. She's in treatment, which is great for her. Now focus on you. Maybe to go a meeting or make an appointment with a therapist who has experience with substance abuse. Is your daughter returning to your house after her treatment? If so, you'll need a plan in place and a professional can help you. Wishing the best for you and your daughter... J.
| ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 3, 2016, 4:28 PM
Hi, I was just scrolling through messages and felt the urge to comment here:
Your father did not have to parent a child with a behavioral illness. there's a difference. Going to FL and coddling her is not the answer. You did all that when she was living at home and at college. so if taking care of them and doing it for them was the answer to cure, they would not be an addict. as far as I can see, having nothing from home is the turning point. At this time her focus is how do I get money from family and elsewhere without working. she will keep it up until it does not work. when all of the doors are closed she will have to depend on herself to get a job. | ||
|
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 4, 2016, 11:03 AM
Read 'Let me Fall All by Myself' under Most Popular Topics
| ||
|
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: July 5, 2016, 8:13 AM
Thank you guys for the posts and the recommendation to read Let Me Fall All By Myself.
Yes, I think that there is a BIG difference between parenting a young adult who is sober/without behavioral issues and one who has behavior issues/addiction. My dad knows how to parent sober kids. That's not what I've got. With the sober child, you can lead, guide, push, pull, etc forward. You can loan money. You can have civil conversations. With an addict, you are constantly on your guard, looking for the next lie, manipulation. You can't loan a dime. In fact, lock all your sh*t up if you want to keep it. And, for us, every conversation is either painful or about money so why talk. I know we are enabling still. We told her she had a total of 4 more weeks of her allowance before she is cut off. She has 2 more weeks left. She had one job interview but I don't hear her talking about any others. She isn't happy but she's doing nothing to change her situation. She's allegedly clean from heroin but there is weed in her urine. She is stuck. It is going to kill me to cut her off in 2 more weeks. I can only imagine the zillion of harassing phone calls I will receive from her. And when she can't get me or I don't budge, then she will start dialing for dollars. She'll call her grandfather, her godfather, etc. Who in turn will all call me and tell me that she's calling but I won't answer, how horrible am I, she needs me, etc. So, I get a guilt trip regardless of which direction I turn. It would be one thing if I didn't have the money to at least buy her food. I have the money. In fact, I feed any and every body. I hate to see people hungry. Yes, as stated in Let Me Fall All By Myself, I'd buy a pillow to soften her fall. Hell, I'd stand under her and let her fall on me. Why? Because I'm her mom and I'm supposed to do that for my child. I forgot. I have a child with behavior issues/addiction. It is soooo hard. I have you all and my therapist in my head, telling me to disengage and let her fall by herself. Then I've got my dad and her godfather saying I am abandoning her or not being a good mom by not sending money every time she asks, or entertaining all of her phone calls. But I can't. I have a child with behavior issues/addiction. My dad has convinced me to fill out some college applications for her since she's stuck. The thought is to have her be admitted to a few places that have sober living programs and then she can pick one. She needs structure in her life. She needs to do something with her life. She also needs a college degree. Maybe going back to college will help her in her journey. I'll try this as a last ditch effort. I understand that she may not cooperate with the application process or that she could start using again once admitted. But I have to take the chance to try to save my child who has behavior issues/addiction. Pray for me that I have the balls to cut her off in 2 more weeks. Pray for me that I have the balls to withstand her harassment and not give in. Pray for me that I don't internalize my dad's well meaning words and beat myself up more. Pray for her that she makes the right choices and overcomes her issues. -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |