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Posted: May 22, 2016, 12:22 AM
This is not a new theme on here and reading everyones posts has given me some strength. I left the love of my life 4 hours ago and I am completely broken. Just sick with pain. He is a heroin addict, a liar, and thief. But also the kindest, caring, thoughtful, most lovable man I have ever met, being in his arms makes everything better. After reading everyones advice and posts I know I did the right thing by leaving, after all we do not have children together (we were planning on that next year). I hope and pray I have the strength to stay away, I am so weak for him. The thought I struggle with the most is, is he doomed for life without love or a family? Since this addiction is a life long disease of relapse and sobriety, will he always hurt the ones that fall in love with him? Does this never end for him? Are there any success stories out there? And if so is it 1 in a million? That is so hard for me to accept, I want him to be happy and healthy and thrive. I am appalled that heroin actually changes your brain, so is there no hope? I think I want someone to write to me saying "Yes hang in there, here is hope, you can have a successful relationship with him" I want to hear it so bad, but I know it is not a reality. He lies to me even when I told him I don't care about the heroin relapses because I know that is normal and i can help him recover if he would just let me in, but he can't, he lies all the time and spends money we don't have, I am devastating. I am broken. There is no hope.
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Posts: 271
Joined: June 27, 2015
Posted: May 22, 2016, 6:50 AM
Hi sweety. There is hope for him and you. But not until he excepts help. He has to really want to change and except the help that comes along with it. He has to have determination and motivation. Without the determination and motivation strong enough to move a mountain then there isn't any hope, until then. Sorry sweety. Good luck to you.
-------------------- IT ONLY GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER.! | ||
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Posted: May 22, 2016, 10:28 PM
I am a heroin addict and would like to speak on this topic from that side of the relationship. Everything I say here is not to brag or boast but is true. I am a handsome 27 year old man with a great personality and am very smart and kind. Poster man for a great job and husband. I grew up with an alcoholic father and was not raised with much of a moral compass. I began experimenting with drugs in highschool. I wanted to experience different states of consciousness. I went to college and eventually had a group of friends who used oxycontin. I broke my elbow after a drunk and high incident and was prescribd opuates. I had a great job, studying medicine, and was doing well. The pills gave me a great high. I loved it. It calmed me down and I began buying oxycontin the 80mg ones. Then heroin came along. I became a dope addict. Sold my tv, clothes, pawned my stuff. At the time I was dating someone and she broke up with me. I was devastated. I love being in love. I am a great boyfriend, good lover, good cook, fun to be with yet drugs took over. I started lieing stopped going to class. Eventually went to rehab. This was when I was 22. I came back from rehab, couldnt stop using. The high was incredible and being an addict the lifestyle was chaotic and it excited me. I went in and out of using and then ended up catching a felony for stealing out of my apartment complex. I then left school because I wanted to get away from the drugs. I became a personal trainer and did very well. Changed peoples lives and met another women. After 8 months we broke up she had two kids one with cerebral palsy and she was 8 years older than I. I made a decision that I did not want to be a father at 23 and then started dating a client of mine. This woman was with me for 3 years. She told me I could not come home 3 months ago. I have overdosed 5 times. 2 of which I was in incubated and unconscious for 5 days. She was at the hospital everyday. She even would go into close NA meetings with me just to see what it was like. Also she was a nurse. Very caring and understood I had a disease. She wanted nothing more for me to get better. I loved her so much. We were best friends. Loved simple things, mountain biked, yet every so often I wanted to go back and feel that high from heroin. I just wanted one more and then go back to my normal life. However when I did one more I did it again. Do to the fact that I could not sustain a life of everyday using and be a succesful trainer and human being I would go in and out. Maybe two or three days out of the month I would IV heroin. When I did this she would know. Id make promises however sometimes it got bad. After hospitalization I had to take leave from work. No money and lots of bills. She supported us. Waiting for me to recover. I eventually sold her gifts like her nice MK watch. I pawned our laptops. She stayed with me through all this. We had so many great times, and so many times that we were barely getting by but, we both thought that I would beat this demon. I have been going to meetings, counseling and everything and I couldnt stay clean. Eventually she said NO MORE. She loved me I know this and when I couldnt go back home to her,I had crashed my car high, lost my job, and had no money, and now was living at my parents. Instead of getting help and immediately sobering up this devstatating break up has taken such a toll on me that I have been sucidial. I miss her so much it is physically painful, yet I know that it is not healthy for me or her to be with each other until I am clean and in recovery. She prays for me everyday, in the early stage of our split we would go to church, no sex no kissing just church and bye. After awhile when she wouldnt answer my calls on weekends or was out with friends I thought she was other men. I couldnt take it. I could not talk to her anymore because I just wanted her to say comeback. I just recently got back from a horrible binder and she was worried sick. She still says she cant sleep in our bed because Im not there. I wish I knew that if I got clean for whatver amount of time she would take me back. I want her to say get clean for 3 months and you can come back but she cant say that. The uncertainty of me getting back with her has driven me nuts so I had to stop talking to her. I couldnt bare it anymore. I am now getting clean and starting over. I want to see her again and would love to marry her. I am going to stay clean and let her live her life and heal. I need to grow up. I must do this on my own without any reservations of what is going to happen between us. I may not get back with her or I might I dont know. But talking to her and having expectations was hard. When she stopped saying she loved me on the phone I asked why, she told me that it just didnt need to be said all the time. That hurt. So what I am saying is I am an addict. I am a great man when I am not using. Probably just like your ex. But for me to ever have a healthy relationship I must be a strong individual and do this for me not for her. I must stay clean regardless of what happens. And until the man you love can demonstrate that being clean is his number one priority he will never be truly happy and ultimtely wont ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship. It has been three months and I have grieved, I have used, I have cried over her, all that and now I am at the point that I must move forward and it is up to God to decide if we will ever be together. I MUST BE CLEAN, I HAVE TO GO TO MEETING, I HAVE TO HAVE A SPONSOR AND I HAVE TO OPEN HONEST AND WILLING. I MUST CHANGE WHO I AM, MOVE PAST MY FAILURES AND TAKE AHOLD OF LIFE. I LOVE KELLY SO MUCH BUT I ALSO MUST LOVE MYSELF. I HOPE THIS MESSAGE GIVES YOU SOME INSIGHT FROM THE ADDICTS POINT OF VIEW. IM SURE HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH, BUT WE MUST PUT THE DRUGS DOWN AND NOT JUST STOP USING BUT BECOME A NEW PERSON. ONCE THIS HAPPENS THERE IS A CHANCE YOU TWO CAN HAVE A GREAT LIFE TOGETHER. I WANT THIS FOR MYSELF TO. THERE IS HOPE WITHOUT THE DOPE.
JOSHUA | ||
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Posted: May 23, 2016, 12:17 AM
Thank you Joshua, I did not expect to see any responses on here, I've never written to one of these things. I hope you beat this daemon, I hope you find the strength and kill that urge. After all its just retraining your brain right? So they say. Feed the right plant, so to speak. If you constantly feed the negative plant it will take over the room and the positive plant will wither unnoticed in the background, but it can be the other way around too, which is my hope for you. For all the addicts and loved ones hurt by this disease I am rooting for you. I am also rooting for my man. I must move on, live my life and hope the best for him. It is the hardest things Ive ever had to do. The amount of times i dialed his number today (never pushed send) is stupid. He hasn't even attempted to get a hold of me. i don't know what kind of bender he is on or where he is. This is a very very painful time, but this too shall pass...........
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Posted: May 23, 2016, 3:07 PM
My gosh I am sure you are worried. While in recovery there has been many times that I have wanted to call my ex and talk to her but sometimes I wont because I don't want to here her having an awesome time while Im missing her. That is different from your circumstances however. I know that when she could not get ahold of me, she would get so worried. Alot of the times I was just away from my phone but other times and over three years quite a few times I was going to get drugs.
I am wondering if you are at a point where you can see yourself without him. I am just now starting to get comfortable with the fact that I may end up with someone else. Part of me knows inside that there was things that I didn't get out of the relationship and I do think that made me want to escape. The physical aspect I thought was dull, and I just didn't get the attention I thought I deserved. So I at times was not happy with my relationaship and ended up lusting then feeling guilty so I used drugs to numb my feelings. I have moved from one relationship to another thinking it was the next big thing. Now I am going to really allow someone special to come in my life. If it is my ex I almost want to start all over. Like totally new but I know that would be hard. I dont want to get back together and act like we aer married and just do simple things. I want there to be sparks again and energy. I am wondering if you can start a relationship over like that again? What do you think? | ||
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Posted: May 23, 2016, 6:34 PM
Thank you for responding again. You definitely raise some interesting points. I don't think he was satisfied physically either, it was so hard for me when I knew, or sometimes assumed, he was lying or hiding something. I would get closed off and cold and he is very sexual, I'm sure I played a part in his relapse. Maybe we are just not good together regardless of the drug presence. It is too soon for me to think about right now, it's only been 2 days, still no word from him. I just want him minus heroin so so bad. I hate that drug, I am still rooting for you Joshua I hope you find happiness and when the darkness comes, because it will, I hope you can sit with it and be present and appreciate it instead of numbing it. I'm trying to learn to do that now, it's so hard, but not impossible :-(
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Posts: 271
Joined: June 27, 2015
Posted: May 23, 2016, 6:57 PM
Hey Josh. I'm BabyLove, may I ask you, when you meet this girl that your heart hurts for, where you sober or where you already drug addicted ? I ask because , you know when a person becomes drug addicted, we become a totally different person. We don't look the same, act the same, we make decisions that we wouldn't make if we were sober. And we do things we had thought we would never do in all our lives. But when we then become sober again we start to NOT make all those bad decisions and make better choices. So I say this because if you were already drug addicted when you meet this girl that means , that she only knows the drug addicted Joshua and has never met the totally different sober Joshua. So all in all if she had never met sober Joshua and when you get sober and then go looking for her and find her and try to start working at a relationship again then in actuality, it is gonna be a totally new relationship for the both of you. Her because of all that I already said and for you because, you know, when we're sober our thinking habits are different.you won't have the mentality to use or pawn or steal. Your thinking habits will be of a normal guy and normal girl starting a normal relationship doing what normal people do. ! It will be new for the both of you. !!!!!! I'm praying for you Josh Ohh and one more thing. You said you didn't want to hear her voice having fun and your there missing her. But you then said she was always worried about you when you weren't by your phone. I bet, she still is very much indeed worried about you. Most people can't just simply fall out of love quickly. So she most likely isn't having a great time especially with you on her mind, even if she tried she probably still won't be able to. And I bet you, the last thing on her mind is to meet another man for her personal desire. !!!! Good luck Josh, I hope you get all that you wish for in life.
And for the young lady who created this topic, I'm sorry I forgot you name. I think it was allia,, I'm sorry for that (forgetting your name) but you said all the times you picked up the phone, dialed his number but didn't push send. How do you know he hasn't done the same for you. Guys have a tendency to drive past the block where we live or work at so he's not directly passing right in front but still close another to get a good view of where you'll be, just incase he does happen to see you that you won't see him looking like he's stalking you.!!! You sound like a really sweet, loyal and caring girl. I bet he knows that too well. You know sometimes an addict will know it's no point to put themselves in a relationship because no good can come from being with a addict. And only a selfish addict or an addict with a different or more serious of a reason to be, will keep themselves in a relationship. Understand?? If an addict has respect for you and truly cares about your heart and your feelings then out of respect they will break that relationship off. Because they don't want to lie to you or steal from you and avoid your calls and causing you to be worried and cry. And just be plain 'ol miserable. Get it. ? He would only be looking out for your feelings to let you go and live your life. Because everyone deserves to be happy in life and maybe being with him you won't totally be happy as you rightfully deserve. ! That means he's making a good decision and honestly does care for you, because he's only looking out for your heart. !!!! Good luck to you as well. I hope you too get all that you wish for in life. Sorry if I angered anyone. Those weren't my intention. Good luck ! -------------------- IT ONLY GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER.! | ||
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Posted: May 29, 2016, 7:47 PM
I am so thankful I found this site. I married a heroine addict 3 weeks ago and he was arrested for possession 5 days ago. I am heart broken but still very much in love with my husband. I didn't understand heroine addiction when I agreed to marry him. I fought hard to get him off the drugs for months. I thought I had won the battle but it just turns out he turned into a better liar. Now I am not certain if I should divorce him or keep up the fight to get him clean and keep him clean. I don't want to give up on him yet. But reading everyone's story sounds like such a tragic ending to everyone's relationships. I feel like I have found some support with this site and look forward to seeing everyone's story- addicts and those in love with the addict. Its been an eye opener.
Good luck to everyone out there struggling with addiction. You are not bad people. You only have a terrible disease. | ||
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