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Posted: March 30, 2016, 3:21 AM
I have been dating this man for a year now. Hes been amazing and I can honestly say one of the nicest guys Ive dated up until this point in my life. Hes kind, patient, has a great sense of humour and he just makes me feel genuinely happy. But somewhere down the line our relationship is tainted and we both seem to try and avoid it or deny theres even an issue. Its just that lately I'm really starting to question why my boyfriend loves to drink so much, the effects it could have on us long term and are we going to fail in our relationship because of it.
Hes always been a drinker and yes ive known this even before we started dating just not to the full extent. Its just really become more evident and clear how dependent he actually is on alcohol and recreational drugs. Hes not an angry drunk, infact hes the complete opposite. Happy, laughable, free spirit with the occasional joint and dabble of cocaine and there he is high on life. It didnt bother me at first because i like drinking too, i love beer and weed and it just felt like a reward to indulge once in a while after a weeks worth of work. I know its not okay and its really starting to worry me because we party alot. Ive noticed since we started dating my drinking has increased, and ive regrettably experimented with cocaine. I was never like this before we started dating and i know this isn't healthy. His dependance is way worse than mine; his father was an alcoholic which lead to his parents divorce. He doesnt speak to his dad at all. My fear is were going down the wrong path and were going to end badly. Weve lost alot of close friends this year our age and mind you we're only in our mid 20s so its played quite an emotional toll on us. Ive found that everytime we get bad news it results in a week of heavy drinking. Just recently a buddy he grew up with passed away and i havent even gotten the chance to talk about it with him. It's healthy to talk about it. But instead in confiding with me he has spent the past week drinking every night and avoided me. Everytime i bring the drinking up he gets very upset with me and avoids the subject but I know he knows hes an alcoholic. It just seems so unfair how compatible we are and to have something as stupid as alcohol diminish what we have. I hope to spend our lives together and im scared im going to get heart broken in the end. I just want us to be healthy and i wish he could realize the harm hes doing to both of us. I know id pick a night inside together over spending money at bar but feelings dont seem to be mutual. I know we have alot of growing up still i just really want a future together. Any advice for these situations? I really love him and it breaks my heart to have to give him up if that's the case. | ||
Posts: 86
Joined: April 16, 2014
Posted: April 7, 2016, 12:00 PM
I think you should leave this guy. But before that try to inspire him to quit his addiction problem.
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Posts: 20
Joined: April 7, 2016
Posted: April 7, 2016, 11:02 PM
Whatever your boyfriend is into, it's 100% your choice how you choose to live your own life. It sounds like you aren't happy with some of the decisions you've made in the past; you can change this for yourself by making different decisions for YOU in the future.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and certifiably co-dependent (you'll want to look this up; I did and I was surprised to see how much it described me!). I mention this because I would love for everyone to have their "happily ever after", regardless of whether they have an addiction or not. I wish I could tell you that your boyfriend will see the error of his ways and want to change his own behavior, but he'll have to do that on his own accord. You threatening or begging or breaking up with him is no guarantee that he will recognize that he has an issue that needs to be addressed. For me personally, long before I dated an addict, I realized that I was using alcohol to numb my own pain/sadness/boredom/loneliness in life. I could have knocked back 10 cocktails in a night without an issue, and I did this 4-5 nights a week. All of my social activities and friendships revolved around going out for drinks, and it was a rite of passage with my co-workers as well. I loved that I could hold my liquor (at 5'5"/150 lbs) as well as the dudes I was friends with. But some nights (more and more as time went on), I would have just oooooooone too many drinks and I would end up sobbing on my bathroom floor. Before that last one I was a perfectly happy drunk, but some sort of a switch happened (I could never tell when, but I often never cared) and then the full force of my misery was upon me. I got tired of this happening; I gave up alcohol almost completely 6 months ago and now it is rare for me to even have 1 drink when I go out. I would be lying if I said that my change in lifestyle didn't come at the cost of friendships, and places to hang out, and things to do with people that I thought I had a lot in common with. It was, in the beginning, even more sad and lonely than I was when I was hitting the bars every night. But it helped me to see who my REAL friends were (hint: the people who don't need liquor to find you cool or interesting) and I'm much happier overall (not to mention thinner and with more money in my pocket). My one last comment is that, if I had married the man I loved when I was 22, or 25, or 29, or 32, my life would be no happier than it is now. I have a bad habit of picking the wrong guys because I don't think highly enough of myself to feel like I deserve better. You seem like a really nice girl and a good person at heart; please make sure whoever you make your life with cares enough about themselves, and about you, to act appropriately. What happened in the past is in your rear view mirror. Keep looking out the window in front of you with hope! | ||
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