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Posted: January 6, 2016, 7:15 PM
Im seeking guidance - I want to know I am not crazy in thinking what I do and I feel I need some guidance on how to protect my family from falling apart or completely falling out with one another.
For the past two and a half years since my sister met her boyfriend I have had a niggling feeling that they were into drugs and since the first time I laid eyes on him (over Skype) I had a terrible feeling. I warned my dad at this time that I had a bad feeling about him and that I was concerned for my sister but none of us live near each other (all corners of the country and world) and our primary contact and communication is over Skype or txt msg. Its pretty hard to prove your feelings as anything more then that, under those circumstances. Since my sister met her boyfriend she has completely and utterly changed. She has insane highs and lows - constantly reaches out because she is depressed only to change her tune the next day and everything is fine again. I started to hear from her less and less about normal day to day things - there were no more joke msgs between us, she seemed to loose all interest in normal things that we used to bond over - music, clothes, documentaries or books. 6 months into their relationship she fell pregnant. This was a huge shock for our family as my my sister had always been a very reasonable and responsible person and this was not a planned pregnancy at all. She decided to keep the baby and we banned around her - I would consider our family to be very supportive and understanding and even though we thought it might be tough for them to begin with - we were behind her decision. She came to visit when she was 7 months pregnant and looked terrible. She looked sad - broken - she was pale with sunken eyes and she had lost an extreme amount of weight. At 7 months pregnant she had LOST weight and you wouldn't of even noticed she was pregnant. She disappeared a lot with her boyfriend for short periods of time during that visit - they always said they were going fishing or going for walks but I thought maybe she was sneaking off to smoke cigarettes as she'd only given up because of the pregnancy and had admitted to me that she snuck one every now and again. We rationalized the weight loss - she had told us she was very sick throughout her pregnancy and we obviously - at this point - believed her because its pretty hard to imagine any other explanation for someone you care so deeply about. She was miserable though and I worried. The baby didn't grow at all for the last 3 weeks of her pregnancy and they finally induced her. My niece is happy and healthy and at 18 months now is learning and growing as she should be. However my sister stopped breast feeding immediately and continued to be horrible to us - have her ups and downs and now complained of being sick ALL the time. Always coughing and always fighting a runny nose. This runny nose has been hanging around for two years now. She has lost even more weight id say - it is hard to tell sometimes because of her baggy clothes - however her personal hygiene looks like its suffering. She used to really take pride in her hair and clothes - and now it doesn't even look like she showers that often or wash her clothes. I rationalized this again as her not having enough time with a new little one or that maybe they didn't have the disposable income anymore - totally fair enough in a young family. The biggest change I have noticed as well is that her attitude is that of a victim. Every story I get from her is this huge big long story about how the world is pretty much out to get her - out to get them. They 'cant seem to catch a break' EVER and nothing is ever their fault. Its always about looking for ways to squeeze money out of the system or sue someone? Its extremely bizarre behaviour coming from her because we were raised so completely different to that. I know her boyfriend had a tough upbringing and therefore thought maybe she was just under his influence in regards to her outlook on life - but the two of them are completely paranoid. Not to mention money troubles - for two years my sister has been asking my parents for help. Rent money here and there - money for car ins. money for this and that - my sisters boyfriend 'supposedly' co runs a successful roofing business and my sister was working at a local pub - after she had my niece she went back there but recently they have been cutting her shifts back to one or none a week - for 'no apparent' reason. Over the recent Christmas holiday my sister and her boyfriend and my little niece came to visit at my parents place for one week. My boyfriend and I also came to visit. We had all been looking forward to the trip because its so rare we get the opportunity to spend time together. However my sister and boyfriend were completely out to lunch the whole time. They slumped around all week - they seemed uninvolved and constantly disappeared. Runny noses - coughs - they spent the whole day smoking outside - my sister was mean and it was just a completely uneasy and horrible experience for the most part. After they left, my dad (who was recently in a serious accident where he broke 6 ribs) couldn't find the very very strong pain medication that he had been prescribed. My dad is very particular about where he keeps his meds and knows how many of each he has left at all times. The entire bottle has vanished. There was more then one opportunity for my sister to take them and there is no other rational explanation. Once this fact was out on the table - it was like the light bulb went on for all of us and we have spent the last week connecting the dots - and seeing all of the stories and signs light up in front of us. Reading back on all of this now it makes me cry because I feel like an idiot for not picking up on the signs sooner. I have spent the last four days scouring the internet for reasoning - signs and symptoms, any answer for this that I can find or relate to. I wrote my sister a msg trying to confront some of the issues and she basically through it all back in my face and said some horrible things - at the moment its safe to assume she wants nothing to do with me. My dad has said that he will confront her about it and has spent the last three days trying to get her to call him. She has every random excuse under the sun as to why she can't speak to him. Now the three of us (mom, dad and myself) are starting to fight. I think my parents are just going to let it slide again because she is very very good at manipulating them. I can see that my mom is in pain and I can see that she doesn't want to believe it - and I see my sisters addiction winning. There is no doubt in my mind now that something is wrong but what am I supposed to do now? My mom is mad with me because I am trying to convince them and get them to see that she is lying. And I am starting to feel angry at my sister and at my parents - her for putting us through this and them for buying into her stories. Could I be wrong? Should I just leave it alone and let them deal with it? I'm worried if I leave it that something serious could eventually happen - but the stress is starting to get the better of me. We are all blaming one another and I'm at a loss for what steps to take next. I have never wrote anything in a forum before - thank you for patiently reading through this and I am open and thankful for any piece of advice in return. | ||
Posted: January 7, 2016, 12:00 PM
Addiction affects a family so much. I am going through this with my daughter. Some of my family try to be supportive, some hate her, some just choose to not acknowledge the problem. I tell my family (even thought it hurts me) that there is no wrong or right way to feel. I can't control what other people think and feel. I just ask them to hate the disease not the addict. Your parents may not be ready to deal with having an addict daughter yet. When we love somebody so much, sometimes we are blind to what is right in front of us. Once they acknowledge the addiction, the guilt will set in. As a parent we are used to fixing things, when we realize we can't fix the addiction, the addict has to fix it, it get's a little easier. I was told through Naranon that there are 3 C's. 1) we didn't cause it 2) we can't control it 3) we can't cure it. If you confront your sister and ask her if she has a problem she may deny it at first. When she gets tired of that life, she may reach out for help. I will pray for you and your family. Try not to let it come between you all.
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Posted: January 8, 2016, 12:42 AM
Hi, I know cocaine causes a nasal drip at the back of the throat and they will make a coughing noise to clear it. My daughter would always say she had allergies or she had a cold, the flu, any excuse and every excuse. Thing is while she has a runny nose and the cough probably means she isn't shooting it into her veins. Have you noticed if her arms, legs, have needle marks? I would be concerned for your niece. When my daughter started this her child at 2-3yrs old was so hungry one day at my house that I knew then something wasn't right. I have the child with me now for the past 7 yrs. When their on Coke they don't get hungry. Hence the reason she is so skinny. Take a close look at the child. If it's pale and tired looking or hungry. I hope your sister will see sense and stop and get help for herself. But you can't make her, only she can do it. Like I was told before and it's so true!! You can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can help yourself by reading on here and going to meetings that help people like us. We are all in the same boat on here and at the meetings. Some have just been on this boat a lot longer than others and we all hurt. I wish you well,stay strong. We are all here for you. Mary.
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Posted: January 9, 2016, 4:14 AM
Thank you very much for both of your responses - guidance and prayers. I have felt a solace since writing on here and it feels good to reach out and hear from others dealing with this kind of stuff.
As an update - my dad was finally able to contact my sister over the phone and speak with her. He told her what we thought was going on and that his pills were missing and that he was convinced it was her that took them. He told her how much we love her and that we all want to help but told her there would be no more money from them until she got some help. She denied everything and she cried - however my dad said she 'didn't deny it like an innocent person.' It was heartbreaking for him to do that - however my parents and I feel like a weight has been lifted. We haven't heard from her since - but we will keep at her with kind words and support. The hardest part is the lies I think. The lies and the constant worrying. Again thank you so much for reaching out, and my thoughts are with you both and your families. | ||
Posted: January 9, 2016, 11:06 AM
I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. It's a very familiar story and yes, it absolutely sounds like drug addiction. If they were stealing narcotics, it's probably heroin since it's generally easier and cheaper to get than pills. Your parents are doing the right thing by telling her they won't give her any more money. Unfortunately, all you can do is tell her you love her and will support her in recovery. It's all up to her. I don't know how old you are but if you and/or your parents could attend NA or AA meetings, it would benefit you all. God bless!
-------------------- Michelle |
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