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Posted: May 24, 2015, 8:30 AM
My heart is broken...... My ex-marine son has gone back out into crack crazies. He was a little over a year straight. When we went to lunch last week he was glorifying the high and I told him he was sounding like he was in danger of using and he assured me while he was and always would be an addict, he was NOT going to relapse! The next day he came to me to get a deposit for an anniversary gift for his wife..... I never thought twice until he walked away to call the man he was giving the deposit to and I asked him if he was being honest about the gift or did I need to worry about him using. He was SO astounded I would even ask that.... It's been over a year, he talked about his goals.... Very future focused. Talked about his son and plans for the holiday weekend. I checked in on him later and his wife said he was playing ball with his son and had just finished power spraying the house. I relaxed until I got the call that he had run to the store for a loaf of bread and had been gone 2 hours. He finally called and said he had locked his keys in his car. When his wife went to get him with the spare keys, there was white powder all over the console and when confronted he took off on foot and the next call from him was the next day with him begging me to come to the heart of crack crazies and bring him money. I refused ( believe me this was hard but this is time 6 or 7 in the past 4 years and I work hard not to enable!) I refused and the next time was him coming to his home (his wife and son had already left.... With any personal valuables.. They too have been through this way too many times) when he came with the drug dealers, got the titles to his 2 cars and every thing else of value from the house. A friend of his staying at the house said the dealers were being very pushy, intimidating and making my son get more.... I then got a tearful apologetic call with him begging me to bring a thousand dollars so he could pay the dealers he owed money to or "something bad will happen to him" I told him something bad had already happened and he needed to get back into treatment. I told him I have nothing for him until he does this. It is SO hard! I love my son SO much! His wife is done..... She has taken his son and gone to her parents...... I don't blame her! She told him never again...... My heart is broken! I feel so helpless and hopeless!
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Posted: May 24, 2015, 2:16 PM
You did the right thing. Your son needed the cash for more drugs. You refused to give him that cash. Addiction is a family disease. where families like yours and mine can`t walk away from it. We try not to enable the addict but we still worry, we still are humane when possible and we are forever sad for the living person that we feel are lost to the disease. Prior to my own family addictions I had no idea how many people out in the world were suffering. This is hard core pain grieving the living loveones who we want so badly to get better. Just be hopeful like I am now with my son lost in cocaine and living on the streets. I have to be for my own sanity. More in the world should be done, could be done about addiction and it`s treatment but they tell us it is in God`s hands so I do what I can to remain sane and continue to offer support but no cash, no rules other than be straight in my house and accept with advice, never fight with the intoxicated mind and feel our love as the treasure it is. It is really hard but it`s what I find is working for me. It took me a long time to figure out what kind of help I needed to cope, in fact I had a breakdown forcing me to do something and I dropped the help too soon. Now I am back getting help to cope with my son`s addiction and this time around I know the support I am getting is the only thing that makes my recovery possible.....my son has to figure that out....I will seek the wisdom to show him what help does for my recovery.
This post has been edited by kimmy on May 24, 2015, 2:25 PM | ||
Posted: May 24, 2015, 2:27 PM
Hi Heartbroken mom = sorry you have ended up here looking for answers, having said that, you are very welcome- your story is so familiar and yet still unique to you - you did the right thing- if you give your son money, it will never end, it's a bottomless pit- addiction is a proggresive disease it takes more and more to satisfy the cravings- treatment and rehab is the only solution, but this decision must come from your son- no one else can make it- he needs to desire sobriety above everything else in his life, only then will he be in the right frame of mind to make treatment work for him- sorry, but you know there is no easy way out of this situation- hard though it is, you need to remain strong and resolute- enabling him now will only be a short term solution- he will be back time and time again looking for money- keep posting here, you will find alot of people in the same situation, you will get nothing but help and support- no judgement - i wish you and your son all the best- i truly hope he finds his way into recovery-
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Posted: May 24, 2015, 4:57 PM
Thank you Both for your words of wisdom and strength! I pulled it together and worked in the garden then to a nephew's graduation party! It was hard but I have learned to take my sleep deprived, grief stricken body and put on auto pilot to do what I have to do! I keep praying he makes it out alive this time! While I know in my head what I should do and what I should not do....... My heart always screams HELP HIM! Again, in my head I know the best way to help is to let him fall..... My heart keeps thinking there might be a way to rescue him. My heart aches for my son and so many other vets who struggle with PTSD, addictions and destroyed lives post war! On this memorial day.... Thank a vet, give a donation to wounded warriors or just pray for peace to come to those vets who are suicidal, drug addicted, homeless and struggling to reintegrate back into their lives! Thanks again..... It helped to vent!!
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Posted: May 25, 2015, 9:17 AM
Crack is killing my Son,
My son, too, is battling addiction. For 2 weeks he has been on the streets. This is something I have helped him avoid and prayed would not happen for years. He is in drug court for previous dui's and his on "thin ice" according to his case manager. He has lost everything. His daughter, who has cerebral palsy does not have a reliable parent. It's heartbreaking too. My parent's and my husband and I care for her. Back to my own enabling behavior, which has gone on since he was 13, was completely out of control. I was loving him to death. I made excuses all that time, either it was a teenage phase, or childhood difficulties, mistakes of my own, etc. etc. Really, after he was kicked out of 2 sober living homes, which the court ended up ordering, and we all refused for him to live with us, he ended up on the streets. living with other addicts, because he has burnt all bridges with his real friends. I had imagined, before, or would actually dream about seeing him on the streets, or in jail, or dead. What I would do or feel like if any of it came true. It took reading a lot of posts and actually watching intervention to understand I wasn't really helping him at all. When enabling him came to the point that I was in danger when I would go to him when he called, and tweaking, or noticed how badly it affected the rest of my children, (his little brother and 3 little sisters, and DAUGHTER) always dealing with the drug induced person, I gave it up. It took me 10 years and a lot of searching and calling in the middle of the night, etc. to realize it is his decision to make drug court work, to want to change. I cannot make him, will him, pray enough, or lecture him enough to change his behavior or addiction. I would love to hear more from you, My heart breaks for you and your son. I wish they had seen what the addiction had done...sooner, and just stopped for good. My son, too, kicked it for 9 months and fell. Hard. He was so beautiful again, and so different. I am wishing you the best of luck. | ||
Posted: May 25, 2015, 5:59 PM
Hey sad momma
Thanks for your response and words o wisdom. Check out my new post........ Today there is Hope and Faith! I too am raising 2 of my grandchildren..... They are my oldest son's boys.... And that is another story! He is developmentally delayed and people talk him into doing really stupid stuff! This last time it was on the night my mom died and some people who were 'friends' of his developmentally delayed wife... Made meth in his garage. He drank for the first time in 8 months and while he did not test + for any drug, he was incarcerated due to either having knowledge or SHOULD have had knowledge of the meth cooking! His wife couldn't keep it together so at 62 I am raising their boys! My daughter is doing great, married, a nurse with a beautiful baby girl 6 months old! She validates me as a parent! I also had a child die back in 1987 which I believe contributes to something being wrong with the mother part of my brain! On and on it goes..... Happy memorial day!! Make it the best you can! | ||
Posted: July 29, 2015, 3:51 PM
i feel your pain, my son has lost 3 out of 4 of his children bc of his use, i will never hold my grand kids again, i was so blind, didnt want to believe it, my son steals my prescription meds, anything he can sell his money he works for and blows it all on crack, i will no longer give him money and i call him out on everything he does, however he denies doing anything as they all do, i will continue to pray for you bc i am in the same boat as well and its tearing me apart
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