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Enabling Mom


Posts: 7
Joined: May 12, 2015


Posted: May 13, 2015, 6:34 PM
I've dated this guy for 4 years and have become really close to his family, especially his mom. After the 1st year we had a child together and I thought we had the perfect family life.. after 2 .5 years of dating he addmitted himself into the hospital, we had all found out he was addicted to oxycontin. Our lives went completely upside down, he went through the withdrawals and then it was hearing all the lies, we thought this was the end and that he had come to terms to ending his addiction but after a few months past we all found out a few months after he had withdrawaled awhile and didnt come forward. In this time i found his mom to be super supportive of my son and i, she was a shoulder to cry on and a phone call away when i felt like having someone to talk too, she was very understanding but also trying to understand her sons way of life, he had also went to rehab but after a month of being home he withdrawaled on cocaine.. and our relationship ended. Of course i went to her to be supported by as she had always offered but i lately shes been a huge enabler, she has given him access to her and her husbands account while he was still using and he withdrew a bunch of money, her and her husband have let him live back at there place under strict condition, one being he wasnt supposed to use, which didnt last long but still is living there, i told her he owed his friend money from which lies were told so he could get money but she automatically assumed his friend was a drug dealer instead of hearing the whole story and saying she doesnt want to listen to the uptown gossip about her son, and lastly that he would be paying child support, which he hasnt at all amd she said " i couldnt tell what the future brought"
she has also told me that i've been depressed and need to go to an alanon which i havent but neither has she or talked to someone about this all...
it just upsets me beacause shes always making excuses for him and i feel like theres never going to be hope if she keeps up her ways ..
i find our relationship is getting destroyed ... i dont know what to do anymore ?
i know i need to stay away from him as he has hurt me so much, but I dont know if i could bring myself to cut her out of my life as well ? but lately she just seems to be distant..


Posts: 156
Joined: December 15, 2014


Posted: May 13, 2015, 8:09 PM
I understand much of what you're going through also having a child with an oxy addict. You're right about his mom enabling him thinking she is helping but actually doing the opposite. I would recommend a nar-anon meeting for you and maybe ask her to join you. Like myself, most people don't understand addiction until it effects their life and they put the effort into getting educated. Being in a relationship with an addict is painful. While active, there is no end to the lies, deciet, mistrust and possibly theft. Take my advice and try not to "fix" him with anything. Love, family, sex or a future will never be priority to his addiction. His addiction will always be first in his life. Sober or using. He has to want to be in recovery. Consider moving on with your life, I have wasted so much time. If you want to love him do so from a distance. Support him in his recovery. No exceptions. He has the right to see his child but should not be left alone if high. Maybe his mom can supervise the visit. None of this is easy but it's the life you are currently living. You and your child are the priority and your responsibility. Don't believe the words he speaks, believe actions. Lastly, don't get your hopes up to quickly just to get let down. This takes a lot of time. Reading the posts here are extremely helpful. I'm more than willing to talk and honestly share.
J.


Posts: 7
Joined: May 12, 2015


Posted: May 14, 2015, 12:47 PM
Thank you so much for your thoughtful advise. These past few months I've felt so lost and trying to cope with being alone again. I've realized that my son and I are part of the cycle and it wont get any better, from here on out I've stopped texting him .. it takes all my will power not to talk to him as he was in my life for 4 years. I'm also talking to a counceler next week, and going to try to go to an alanon meeting..
I dont know why i can't bring myself to go...



Posts: 57
Joined: April 25, 2015


Posted: June 12, 2015, 9:34 PM
I put off going to al anon too but since attending i have learned to accept that i have to let go of the addict in my life and continue to love that son and hope he is able to recover but know that only he can make that decision for himself.
I encourage you to find a meeting because it will be supportive just like this forum is.
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