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Posted: May 2, 2015, 1:21 PM
Hi everyone. this is my first time posting. My son is addicted to prescription drugs/alcohol and heroine. He was near death's door when my daughter found him so we ended up taking him to a Treatment Facility. He has been there for two months and is coming out having completed the treatment next week. To say I am nervous is an understatement. He stole from me, forged my name on cheques, sold his dad's tools etc. I was sick to my stomach. In any event he has done very well and said he will never go back to another treatment facility. My concern is what to do when he comes out. His dad does not want him back living with us and neither do I . But until he finds his own place would it be wrong for us to take him in once again. How do you deal with someone coming out. I love him and want to support him (not financially) but not sure how to do it or what to say to him. I was going to make a list of rules that he must abide by while he is here. If anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate it.
Thank you for listening Miss Betty | ||
Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 2, 2015, 2:53 PM
See if he can be released to a sober living house. It is a good transition from an inpatient to living on their own. The rehab facility should be able to help with that. Good luck!
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: May 2, 2015, 4:41 PM
How old is he?
Ask the treatment centre how best to handle him when he is released. I strongly advise you join Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and learn from those folks. Good luck. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: May 2, 2015, 5:10 PM
The al anon suggestion is a good one, I have been to two meetings thus far and it has helped me emotionally. My son is not in a treatment center, he is in jail detoxing, behaving badly and telling everyone I abused him. I work at that prison. Al anon helped me understand that I can't fix him and that I need to change in order to have any kind of relationship with my son in the future and of course I want a relationship with him, I love him.
I understand you and your husband not wanting to live with an addict. My husband and I asked our son to leave after a particularly bad week of him behaving disrespectful in our home, he is 22 and had just been fired from his job. Needless to say he went downhill fast and ended up in jail, once my biggest fear but not any longer. He is detoxing in there and that is good, he is facing consequences of his actions, also good and I am not bailing him out so my enabling his addiction has stopped. Things might get worse before they get better but that is the gamble I have no choice but take because I have finally come to terms with the fact that I can't fix his addiction. I agree with others that you should seek the advice from the professionals who have been dealing with his rehab. As a parent my heart is with you and I hope for the best for both of our kids. I have one question, should I write my son a letter or is it too early? He has been in jail for one week and has not made contact with me. | ||
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Posted: May 2, 2015, 6:56 PM
Thank you everyone for your responses. My son is in his mid 40's. This is the 5th time for rehab but this is the absolute worst he has ever been. He decided to try heroine, not sure for how long he had been using it. He injured himself at his job (not drug related) however he is an addict what can I say. I do not think he will go to a half way house and I have not had much communication with the treatment facility. It was very expensive to send him there but I had two choices...send him...or...let him die. I joined Naranon and will continue to go to the meetings. My son has been living at our home for the past 3yrs. He did everything an addict does and I did everything I could to protect him. I am trying to change, I still would not mind if he stayed at our home ONLY until he found his own place but I would have rules. My main concern is I do not know how to talk to him. I don't want to bring up the past because I feel he already knows what he did and he is the one who has to live with that. I have not discussed with my husband the fact that our son is coming out next week nor have we talked about where he will live until he finds his own place. My son and I have had very limited communication since he has been away. They are very strict (which is a good thing) phone calls are limited and they make the phone call and make sure who is on the other end so we have not talked about his homecoming.
Kimmy....I have written my son approx. 5 letters since he has been in rehab. I think if the shoe were on the other foot it would be comforting to know someone cares about me . That is just my opinion, if it were me I would write to your son. When I learned of the seriousness of the situation (I was away for the winter) I sat down and wrote my son a letter. He said he did not like the letter he thought it was cold. It was not cold, it was straight from my heart and it was honest. I told him to keep it and reread it several times because I meant what I said in the letter. Your son has his whole life ahead of him so hopefully detoxing in jail will give him a wakeup call. Good for you not bailing him out. That was the best thing you could have done. | ||
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Posted: May 3, 2015, 3:14 AM
Getmeoffthisrollercoaster.........your user name says it all. Time to get off the ride. Its not YOUR ride...its your sons. Im a recovering addict and a codependent of addicts. He been in 5 rehabs and it sounds like youve taken him in more than once...hows that working for you? Hows that working for him? If he doesnt want to go to transitional housing where he will have the best chance of staying sober and trying to start a semblance of a normal life that is definitely his choice but to me it SPEAKS VOLUMES! I have been on both sides of the fence with addiction.I didnt start to help myself until my parents stopped bailing me out of my consequences. I also know the worry of waiting for the dreaded phone call regarding the addict you love so dearly but to be blatantly honest he can OD in your nice comfortable house just as easy...if not easier, as he can on the street. My advice is tell him its time to grow up and take care of himself.
This post has been edited by BTDT on May 3, 2015, 3:16 AM | ||
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Posted: May 3, 2015, 9:48 AM
Thank you BTDT for your candid reply. Pretty much most of what you said is true. I know it is not my ride I am just trying to get my life back in order. It has been a nice couple of months with him away. As mentioned I have had very little contact with him so I do not know what his plans are other than my daughter and I are picking him up. I have not spoken to his councillors at the treatment facility to see what kind of plans if any have been made for his release. The one time I did call they said they could not provide me any information. It is not my intention to pick up the pieces for him. This is his problem to deal with. Having said that, I am not about to turn my back on him either as long as he is heading down the right path. I want him to find his own place to live, deal with all the destruction he created prior to his entrance to the treatment center (and there are several which I refused to clean up for him). If he has a job to return to great, if not, well he will have to find one. He wrote me a letter, the last paragraph he said "Thank you for the letter and support from all of you that have any sort of faith left in you. He said he was shaking when he was writing the letter, he was at a loss for words. he is embarrassed and very angry at himself"Nothing I could ever say that I have said before...Mom, Dad, you saved my Life...I am so sorry.
What stood out in my mind was that last paragraph.....what he said he was saying while Clean and Sober. Do I believe him???? Yes. I have many letters he has written me over the years while under the influence. Did I believe them? I believed what he wrote he meant at the time of the writing but he could never follow it through. I have been hurt emotionally, mentally and financially. I am going to TRY not to allow him to manipulate me and....I am going to TRY to be supportive as long as I see he is heading in the right direction. Am I wrong in my thinking??????? | ||
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Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 3, 2015, 9:54 AM
If you want him to go to a sober living home, no one needs to pick him up, the rehab center can arrange for him to be transferred to the house and you don't need to be involved. If you tell them you won't pick him up, they can help with other living arrangements. They usually have many contacts to reach out to.
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Posted: May 3, 2015, 10:12 AM
Hi Sportsgirl,
So, I guess he is assuming we will pick him up? I have not heard from the treatment facility at all, they have not discussed with me any arrangements whatsoever. I will call them tomorrow to see what can be done. This facility was quite away from where we live. Do they contact a sober living accommodation nearer to where he lives???? If he still has employment he would need to be relatively close to the area or am I just thinking ahead for him??? | ||
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Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 3, 2015, 11:26 AM
My experience is that the patient coordinates this with the counselor there. How did you know when he is being released? If you have contact with him or maybe your daughter does instruct him to talk with his counselor and yes, the can relocate him to many different places but the houses need to have openings and be able to accept him usually by interviewing them. Since the treatment facility won't talk to you that means he hasn't signed the waiver (HIPPA rules) to allow them to talk to you, maybe he wants to do this on his own?
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Posted: May 3, 2015, 12:18 PM
I placed a call an hour ago and left a message for his counsellor to call me. My conversations with my son have been extremely brief. He told me not to worry, he is doing well and he found a small group of fellows that have motivated him to change. But.....he did call his sister and asked her if she would pick him up next week and if she couldn't that was fine he would make other arrangements. She told him she would. I want to find out from his councillor what the situation is, as in has he made plans or have they encouraged him to make plans etc. for me personally I do not have a problem letting him come to our home ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME until he finds his own accommodations. I cannot go through another year like last year, it was the worst I have ever had. To allow him to move back in with us would destroy my marriage. Choices, always choices. We are seniors and retired. My husband has a pension, I do not. We have a large family but the only one stepping up to help me through this is my daughter. The rest of them don't talk about it. Which is ok because they to have their own problems to deal with. I did start going to Naranon and will continue.
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Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 3, 2015, 6:22 PM
My 27 year old daughter completed an intense 1 month rehab followed by 3 months in a sober living house for extended care. She tried to live on her own following the extended care but struggled keeping her sobriety. She moved in with us and did very well for a while but confidence got the best of her and she just recently relapsed and is returning to a sober living home where she can work full time and she can live there for up to 2 years. She actually moved there today! I am hoping and praying this time she can do it. Hopefully your son can find his path where he can live and move forward in his life but it is better if this comes from him and his desire to stay sober. I am happy that I am no longer my daughter's prison guard, drug tester, and punching bag. I look forward to an adult relationship with her where whatever life she chooses all I have to do is love her and not solve her problems for her anymore as I told her, "I'm done" I don't mean done not loving her and hoping she can stay healthy, but done doing all the above and it is time for her to take control of her own messes, I feel a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
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Posted: May 3, 2015, 8:38 PM
Congratulations, sounds like you are really making progress. I hope I am able to say that in the very near future. I am so tired of trying to protect my son. Anyway that is past tense. I will no longer protect him. We will support him and love him but the rest is entirely up to him. He is a grown man and needs to as someone else mentioned "Grow Up" I do not think 2 months is enough time but it was better than none at all. My other son is an alcoholic, he too was on drugs but quit them and turned to alcohol. he was pretty bad, he went to a treatment facility for 1 month, that was 26 months ago and he has never once taken a drop since nor has he used any drugs. I cannot believe how one month completely turned him around. I think the person has to truly want to quit, whether it is smoking, eating, gambling whatever; if they do not have the desire they will not likely succeed. I just pray that this will be the last time for my son. Having said that I am not getting my hopes up because I do not want to be let down.
I am really nervous about him returning home. Not because I don't trust him, that remains to be seen. I just do not have any idea what or what not to say to him. | ||
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Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 4, 2015, 3:25 PM
Happy to hear your other son has found a way to keep sober. He is probably a good resource for your son who is struggling to find his way. Do they have a good relationship?
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Posted: May 7, 2015, 12:39 AM
He CAN get a ride on his own. He CAN enter a sober living facility . I guess I really dont understand the problem.Why are you even involved? Your tired? So stop taking care of a middle aged man. I think what you really need to ask yourself is "what am I getting out of this?" He REALLY needs to grow up....LET HIM.
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Posts: 1
Joined: May 10, 2015
Posted: May 10, 2015, 3:24 AM
Hello from land of Oz
Where treatment for DOA( drug or Alcohol) is sporadic or unavailable. I feel the need to share online as ph lines or face to face counselling too intense. My 33 yr old son has undiagnosed mental health/ intelligence issues compounded by 18 yrs of his choices of DOA risk taking. He came home for the 2 nd time in his adult life to detox at our isolated farm( good & bad perspectives there) limited therapy for him & no support for me & my partner. I spend every day not at work taking him to a Dr/counsellor/ Chiro ! I know I'm not but feel completely responsible for the state of his life - all the why didn't i 's ??? Get him assessed/ helped & supported more intensively instead of encouraging his independence I feel for the lady who is at odds with son coming home from txt centre - it is soo scary to be confident on how to talk, what to talk about, not impact the recovering mind badly ! I'm doing this alone , reading what I can online , keeping an open loving mind for myself and my son. I am thinking if every Hotel/bar in every town/city in oz - there should be a dedicated building for Addiction recovery ( no matter what the addiction is ) There would be hundreds in Oz & I wouldn't be living in the Bermuda Triangle of no support . The Oz websites I have found have proven useless with link failures & no real support. The support sessions/groups city based & limited to local clients & expired info. Has anyone have experience with Hypnotherapies to treat addictions. - work or not ???? | ||
Posts: 25
Joined: April 20, 2015
Posted: May 11, 2015, 7:24 AM
getmeofftherollercoaster,
I actually feel the same thing you are. I say go by your gut instincts. You know him better than anyone and you know how he's manipulated you before and can therefore hear the change in his words from that last letter and the fact he didn't ask you to go and pick him up, but his sister or that he'd make other accomidations. I too have gone through hell and back with my four addictive adult children and one of them is extremely addicted to heroin to the point where I've never seen her this bad. I was wishing she'd be arresseted and put in jail to make her stop, because I feel that might be the only way to do it being she's so stubborn. none of them live with me, but the youngest one, age 25, the one on heroin, was living with us and I had to tell her to leave. She became violent and I called the police. so my landlord made it so that she can't come back. he did this for me, because he knew how difficult it would be for me to say no to her. I realize now that I had to change, and that I could not change her. I think it's great your going to classes to learn how to deal with this all. we can't do it. and yes, I think if you take him in till he finds his own place that you should set boundries. Sit down together as a family and go through the list and have him sign a paper that you and your husband wrote up. you and your husband can think of a good time period where he can have the time to find a job, save that money to be able to put down for first months rent and what ever else they make you pay and oh,make sure one of the rules is that he participates in a daily group meeting, and drug testing. the home kits. he should't give you a hard time about that if he really wants to stay clean and is clean. No one WANTS to be an addict, and I feel giving our child another chance, even if it's the tenth time, because that tenth time MIGHT be the real time he actually does stop. as long as you are aware of not being an enabler, I think your plan might work out fine this time. But hurry and discuss your plans with your husband quickly before your son gets out. please keep us updated. If you need to get it out, I'm here for you. I wish you strength and love that you will need at this hard passage. Life is work. life has problems, it's a fact, but it's how we perceive our problems. are they growth for us? does it hold us back from growing? It's our thoughts and fears that cause our suffering. if we make a mistake and learn from that mistake, then it's not a mistake, is it? so you're learning too just as much as your son is. what is, "Is" at this very moment. the only moment we really have. You are going to hear from everyone either "don't" take him in and or "do" take him in. I think you know the correct answer deep down inside because you are his mother. But you just need a little encouragement at the moment and to learn about addiction. it's now classified in the 3rd journal of medicine of psychiatry that it's a mental illness. I just heard this on the radio not long ago. I was thrilled about this information because it helped answer a LOT of questions I myself have as a mother dealing with addictive behavior in my kids as well as myself. I would also suggest he get into psycho therapy and get on some medication to help treat his illness. it helped me significantly with my addiction. so make that another rule, that he gets into therapy. don't you think? bye for now. hope to hear back from you. | ||
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Posted: May 12, 2015, 1:23 PM
lintek54
thank you so much for your letter. I am not dealing with everything very well. There is so much I know I need to do ,..but doing it is the hard part. My son has returned from the treatment facility and is currently living with my husband and I. Things are not good in the sense that I do not trust him. I am seeing signs that I saw prior to him going in. I keep asking myself if it is my imagination or is he using again. It is making me sick to my stomach that he quite possibly is. The first suspicion was the amount of money he took from his bank account in the first two days home. He said it was to repair his car (which has not been done yet but paid for in advance) I don't think so. He leaves the house in the morning and comes home at dinner time, says he is going to a meeting but how do I know. I saw him nodding off a couple of times. He said he did not sleep that was why. And his pupils are constricted. Am I wrong to be suspicious??? I have told him he needs to be accountable for everything and if he is doing nothing wrong then it should not be a problem. He gets really upset with me when I say this. I have order some drug testing strips and will insist on him using them the next time I see him nodding off. The first time he was standing beside the bed folding laundry when I saw this happen. I am not functioning very well right now because I don't want to think that he would go away for treatment in a facility that we had to borrow money to send him there and come out and use right away. I pray I am wrong but more than likely I am in denial. | ||
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Posts: 85
Joined: October 18, 2014
Posted: May 12, 2015, 2:57 PM
Unfortunately, your gut instinct is probably right and he will play the guilt card about trust and all that, but follow your gut, mine hasn't been wrong even though sometimes I chose to second guess myself. That is why sober living may be best for him so you don't have to be his keeper and just be his mom.
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Posted: May 12, 2015, 3:56 PM
There was a waiting list for sober living. If my gut is right then he would be unable to go to sober living because he is using . I spoke to my husband about how I am feeling with the trust issue and the fact that our son is not accountable for anything he is doing. He is going to talk to him without me present and make it clear to him "Our House Our Rules" and he will now have to be accountable to his Dad. If in fact he is back using I would like to give him the opportunity to turn it around immediately otherwise; we will ask him to leave. It is impossible to send him right away to a treatment facility as they all have waiting lists unless of course you have lots of money to pay for one. We just borrowed money to pay for the one he just returned from last week. This is why I cannot believe he would begin using again....is this drug that powerful that he continually chooses this over his children, family etc?????
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