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Posted: March 3, 2015, 1:32 AM
Okay so I need advise or help.... I'm 33 weeks pregnant I'm almost 20 years old I have never encountered meth until recently with my fiancé he's a user... when we first started dating he wasn't smoking meth at all he's been clean for about three years well he told me the first time he's done it which was about 3 in half months ago and he was crying telling me he wouldn't do it again I said I didn't want him lying to me about it and i would help it through it.... than money started disappearing I found out he did it again but he didn't act anything like the first Time he did try and hide and didn't seem sorry... he said he wouldn't but now money is disappearing he's acting strange and I've been finding empty Bags so now I know he's doing it and just the last week I actually found the meth in my house and i asked him and of course he said it's still from that one time he did it so another lie so I waited till he went to sleep and he's very heavy into this addiction and hes lying about it I left him only for a day but now we came to an agreement as long as he can take care of all the bills when I go on maternity leave and he will be done but he won't promise he won't ever do it again but he will be 100 % honest to me when he does meth he's even smoked it in front of me only twice but I feel guilty becaue this go's against everything I belive in but I love him and all the sites says you need to be there for them but I guess what I'm asking when meth users say that they don't get out of control with there addiction is that a lie or should I even be trying I do have a baby due in april and I need him to be there for my maternity leave I'm so lost and confused and broken I feel it's either he lies to me about the meth or I accept That he is doing meth and Than he can be honest about it but how can I help him when I feel I just gave him a yes to do meth and is he even going to quit after what I did .. all I want is for him to be there for me and his little girl and it is the last chance I'm giving him but I'm worried meth will win over our family it is a test to see if he puts bills before his addiction but am I wrong to test his family on this or should I give him this chance... I don't know anything about meth and I'm terrafied. .. please any advise helps
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 2:43 AM
I became a first time Dad 6 months ago. Beautiful healthy baby girl. Mom is an addict. Very exciting a bit overwhelming and the most incredible day of my life. Being part of this miracle with a woman I loved so much. (not even sure baby was mine). She lost custody before leaving hospital.
Forgive my opInion. I really can't see how how a selfish active addict can be any good to you at this point in your life. Or any other time until sober. He seems unreliable and irresponsible. I was out buying strollers, car seats, clothes,memory books, princess decorations, etc. For you and your child, be grateful if he is not there. being on drugs like that makes people unpredictable. He could harm this baby so quickly even if unintentional. I will not even consume alcohol if I'm with my daughter. I spent seven and a half months mentally preparing myself to be a good dad and the best boyfriend. No child asked to be in this world. It's your job as a parent to protect and provide for your child. I'm very sorry you're in this predicament but use your head not your heart this guy cannot change in a few weeks. If Child Protective Services get involved you will be stuck in the loop for a long time. I actually hope your boyfriend get thrown in jail to stay away from your baby I'm sorry for my opinion | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 3:25 AM
That's very sad to hear about your wife but amazing job to you and taking that step for your daughter.... I'm having a little girl extremely excited it's going to be my first I wish I could enjoy my pregnancy more other than dealing with all this... I don't mind your opinion I need advise I'm very lost for words at the moment and I feel I just gave my fiancé an okay to do meth as long as he doesn't get out of control and lie to me but now he doesn't have to hide it so i dont think he thinks he needs to quite hell just do it on occasions but does meth even work like that... I don't want him around if that's what he wants to do I want him to be how he was before the meth... it's not even that he's mean when he's high it's just it's not him I want him back .. I should of left the first time he told me maybe than he would see how serious I was when I said I don't want it part of my life especially my child's life now it feels like I'm relying on a meth head when I go on maternity leave to pay the bills when I would of been fine 4 months ago I even work two jobs I would of been fine but I thought I'd help him but I feel I just made easier to get high and for him not worry and I just let down myself and my little girl down how can loving someone hurt so bad when you know the person you love doesn't love you or would they even put you through something like that....
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 6:00 AM
Your fiancee' loves you. The addiction is beyond his control. He's telling you he has a problem. That's worth something. You have to be firm on what you want and need. Forget about giving him an ultimatum. He is powerless to this drug. He made the biggest mistake of his life trying it. There's a reason, but doesn't matter right now. Nothing you do can change him. You have to stay healthy for this last couple of weeks for a better delivery. My Gf was induced at 37 weeks because of reduced blood fkow through cord..Baby was 5.25 lbs. Healthy and had no withdrawals. She abused pills 2 days after birth. Possibly because she thought she wouldn't be able to stay with me because she lied to me about how much she was taking just before birth. Also I actually think maybe she thought baby was not mine. She swore it had to be. I found out she cheated on me in December just recently. So much deciet. Simple apology is not enough for me. I'm devastated by all this. Would like to get past this all, but she hasn't owned up to anything seriously. It may end very soon. We are not married. She doesn't live with me and is technically homeless. Has nothing. No ambition. Lots of potential though. 2 weeks on suboxone. Losing hope quickly now. I deserve some explanation or closure to move on to deal with my co-dependency. I'm not blaming her for addiction but the infidelity is the problem I'm struggling with. The trust and honesty are significant factors to end this 2.5 year relationship. Giving one last chance today or I am done for next 3months while I heal from surgery on Wednesday. Good luck and congratulations. Happy to listen anytime.
Thanks, Joe (stuck in se wisconsin in wheelchair for now.) | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: March 3, 2015, 9:22 AM
smiled once:
If your fiance is like me he is incapable of "love" as normal people know it. He is capable of being exceedingly charming when he wants/needs to be and is likely a great lover (when he shows up). He has one fatal flaw, he is an addict ... a loose cannon ... and is not accountable because of his "selfishness". If you choose to base a life on him being/getting/staying clean & sober you will have a life based on quicksand not rock. I strongly suggest you attend a few Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings in your area and let those folks help you get your head on straight. Your child deserves that. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 10:10 AM
Dear Smiled Once, You have to take care of yourself and your unborn child right now....and stress isn't good for either of you..He is a self absorbed selfish addict at the moment...Huge mistake sitting there watching him smoke it in front of you,I can't imagine why or what you were thinking but now it's given him the green light....your concern is him being responsible for bills? Why on earth would be be concerned with bills when he isn't concerned about your health or your unborn daughter? He is already lying money is disappearing and all the signs are there. ..You are enabling a addict....do you have a friend or do you have family where you can go? This is screaming unhealthy envoirment if ever I saw one...Addicts will bring you down before you can bring them up...it's the nature of the beast....Addiction has a ripple effect it makes a prisoner of the addict they will lie steal cheat and it will effect those who share a daily life with them....He doesn't believe he has a problem...but honey you do...your 20 don't settle for this garbage cause you need bills paid....have some faith and pride in yourself...be a parent and protect yourself so you can protect your baby...get.out of there.There are programs for unwed mothers if you don't have family nearby...how do you know he won't be a danger to you or your baby...your taking many chances here ....for your sake amd your daughters get out of there.
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on March 3, 2015, 10:12 AM | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 10:33 AM
Dear Being Me, I have read your posts ...First off I wish you best of luck in your surgery. I wish you a speedy recovery,I'm sure Mom will be there to assist you...I am so sorry for all you have had to go through ...You really care about your child's mother. ..As you show in your posts and numerous times you have given her another chance....Believe me I always hope for a happy ending but it will never be possible until you let go...You can't keep giving chances you can't believe that someone who is willingly ingesting unprescribed drugs is going to be capable of rational decisions. ..the drug numbs them they lose touch of themselves their feelings their morals...You have given her so many chances I mean come on how is she to believe this is her last chance when you keep repeating an endless statement. ..Your threat holds no consequences because you'll hand Hand her another one ....You must set firm bounderies in place. ...You can be a father first and worry about your child and most importantly you....your child needs one healthy parent at least...It is time to let go....as much as it bothers those of us that love the addict...they are adults and we cannot make their choices for them...what we can choose is to protect our health and the damage it inflicts upon us....loving an addict forever changes who we are...it's part of the disease but what we can do is limit it's destruction it inflicts on us...You have to let go...let her do what she is going to do. ..You must allow the addiciton to play on her only when she begins to feel the wrath of using will she make a decision to either begin recovery or be a addict...sometimes loving means having to let go.Your losing yourself trying to hold onto the girl you once knew......You have to pull in the safety net,she knows you'll always be there and have been willing to except her addiction. ..stand aside and say no more. ..and mean it...let her see your serious....As far as the happy ending ...it may not be possible ....but you deserve peace you deserve better before you love her begin to love yourself...You have lost your self worth to her addiciton....don't be a nice guy who finishes last....figure out why you keep trying to hold onto her ...when it seems the only thing she wants to hold on to is the drug. ..she lost custody of her child because of her addiciton what makes you think your more important...sorry to say....it's just hard seeing the pain in your posts...focus on you and your child ...Best of luck my friend...
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on March 3, 2015, 11:15 AM | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 10:39 AM
It was more like a test because I won't be working after I have her and I told him that's when he has to step it up and I don't want to see him on it and i want to see if he can prove himself while shes here but am i wrong to give him one last shot to be done with this addiction is giving him a lot of responsibility at once going to make him fail I don't know how this addiction works I've never once been around it until now I know I screwed up for watching him smoke trust me I felt horrible but I was kind of amazed that he would even let me i was let down.... and how do I just leave addict when you know you can't trust them but they do come out sincere and it's like once last chance I'm not trying to gamble with me and my daughter I know I'm not a good situation and i know staying sounds like im doing everything wrong for me and her but i literally put everything i had into making a life and now its just slipping away.... that's why he did it in front of me so now I know what he is like on it and he can't hide it again but I fear I just made it to where he's comfortable and he's not scared of doing it now I was giving him that time to get straight and maybe he a slight chance he was telling the truth that that i can rely on him again while I can be there for my daughter but still give him that last chance because if fails he looses me and her but I know the obvious decision which is leaving because I do feel horrible for knowing that I allowed that in my house and for him to be around me but I don't know how to do what I need to do....
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 11:14 AM
Thank you for everybody's story's and advise addiction destroys family's clearly it's just not fair that we have to loose people we love because they love there addiction more than they love them selves I know i deserve better for me and my daughter I'm just torn by it all that I had a dream that once he saw her and me and how much he is needed that he will quit and be there for our family but I guess that's aiming to high for an addict
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 11:20 AM
Smiled once, Aiming high for a addict....no such thing only high they strive for is drug related. ..step back focus on your health and your daughter...expect nothing from him....then you will suffer no disappointment....He doesn't care for himself right now...how do you think he can care about anyone else...only when you refuse to except their behavior will the recovery begin. ..and that doesn't necessarily mean the addicts recovery...it means you will no longer ride the addiciton train...get off at the station ...focus on you....I guarantee you if you continue on the ride it will not get better the scene will get more ugly destructive and you will lose yourself in the process ...he's already taken his toll....don't hook yourself up to a loser. Nothing says you have to stop dreaming....but for this one you must wake up ...your young you have alot of life ahead of you....in a few weeks your baby will be here and you and her can and will create new ones.Thr fact he smoked meth while you were there pregnant in front of him he showed you were his priority was...there are many governmental agencies churches women's group unwed mother chapters...do your research....He has a addicts mentality.They are absorbed in the addiction....You can't help him or fix him...You must fix yourself right now so you can be ready to take care of your daughter. ..he's a selfish self absorbed addict just because he created a baby ...does not in anyway make him a father.
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on March 3, 2015, 12:05 PM | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 3:22 PM
Please don't ruin your life or your child's. ive spent the last 15 years dealing with an addict step son. Get out while you can!
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 3:36 PM
What is good websites and so I can get more knowledge for meth users I'm freaking out a lot about how to step back and not feed into his lies any longer I know what I have to do but it won't be easy because there is a lot love for him but I know it won't stop or he wouldn't of even put me in this spot I really hate to ask this question but before I cought him doing meth we were having sex and is it possible it could have an effect on my child that is growing inside my belly i cant even have that with him nor do i wish to im just concerned... we have stopped because I don't have that for him since I found out about his addiction but I don't know how to ask my doctor I've tried looking it up but it only says stuff if the mother is using and I am not using I'm just with a person who does ...
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 8:06 PM
Dear Smiled Once,You are in your 7th month ...I'm sure the doctor has been checking the growth of the baby ...maybe done a possible sonogram....blood work...I'm sure if there was a concern the doctor would've discussed it with you...You haven't used the meth which is a good thing...can meth use effect sperm..I'm sure but as I am not a doctor that is something you should discuss with him....I know it is hard when you love an addict ..we believe our love our kindness our presence can cure the addict but sadly it doesnt....sadly the addict doesn't realize the destructive nature of the drug until severe consequences are felt. ..usually by then they are in the full grip of the addiciton...You cannot make choices for an adult...You can only make choices for yourself and your unborn baby...I don't know where you live but contact social services in your state and tell them you are 20 unwed and 33 weeks pregnant if you have no family to go home to...I'm sure it's very hard on you your very young afraid and scared....are your parents in the picture ..can you reach out to them?Look into some counseling for yourself. ..I'm sorry your going through all this...be strong.
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on March 3, 2015, 8:23 PM | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 9:18 PM
Christopher's mom,
She has been on subs for over 2 weeks. Letting her do it by herself. I will wait and see what happens but in the mean time I'm taking care of me and concentrating on my daughter. I'm determined to keep my recovery my personal focus. Thank You for your thoughts and advice. I have learned much from these threads. | ||
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Posted: March 3, 2015, 9:22 PM
Being Me, My prayers are with you.....and your daughter...good luck with the surgery and recovery. ..good luck to your girl.
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on March 3, 2015, 9:46 PM | ||
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