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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 3, 2015, 1:24 AM
I guess I'm ready to tell my story instead of trying to give people advice. Honestly I don't know where to start it's been a long rollercoaster.
So I started dating my boyfriend approximately 3years ago. I didn't know he was an addict, I actully think he wasn't. But then we broke up, he went away to college and that's where it happened, he got addicted to pills, one day we were going for a drive, he suddenly stopped at the side of a street and said 'I have to tell you something' he said I'm going to rehab tomorrow I'm addicted to oxys, will you support me?.' I support him he went to detox he was back in a few days, at that time I didn't even really understand the concept of addiction, I thought it's all in your mind, if you want to quit you just will, it's mind power. Then maybe 6months later or so he went to rehab again I didn't even get a text, his parents texted me the next day, he was than gone for two weeks, I eventually started educating myself on addictions, on that particular drug because It realized this wasn't going away. Then he got back two weeks later and he started going to outpatient meetings, which are 3hrs long, so okay he was going to meetings or so I thought,than suddenly one day I had missing money, I knew there was a issue going on, then one day "he lost his phone" then it finally came he stole from his parents and got kicked out the house, it was either live on the streets or to go rehab, find a rehab place and get yourself in. So he did,he was gone for a month this time, I was glad I knew he needed it, the day before me and his parents went to pick him up, we spoke about how we were going to handle it and how we felt and etc, but what she failed to inform me was that he was no longer addicted to oxys, but that now it was heroin and that he had been arrested before due to possession of heroin, but I had knew that pill killer addictions led to heroin, as I had done my research, so he got out of rehab, I asked him if he had been using heroin now, and he said yes. I died inside honestly. So he was going to NA meetings every day, and then he started slipping again and I honestly thought it was all going all though, he had a sponsor this time and everything. But 3weeks ago I got a text from him saying that he was going into rehab right now, that he was tired of being a slave to this drug. Now I honestly don't know what to expect, he's currently still in rehab, his parents refuse to let him come home so he's going to a sober house. But I don't know what I should do different this time when he gets back, I just feel like I never notice when he's high or anything. I try to stay on top of him asking if he goes to a meeting and if he has spoken to his sponsor.but I don't know what else I can do different, please do give your opinion/advice!! | ||
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Posted: February 3, 2015, 2:52 AM
Hi, We have some similarities in our lives. Gf addicted to oxy's and thankfully nothing more. Did the lying, stealing, deceiving things when her 'script was out towards end of the month. I commend your bf for admission of addiction. Huge first step. Took mine 2 years. Like you, I never knew she was an addict. Just thought she was taking as prescribed for back and nerve problem. Hopefully she will try to get clean soon. Obviously getting clean isn't that hard as to staying clean. We have a beautiful healthy daughter together. If we didn't I don't think I would try to stay with her anymore. Her sobriety will be number 1in her future. I wanted that spot for myself and now for our daughter. The best I'll ever be is 3rd place. I'll never get to be 2nd place but like they say in racing," second place is the first loser." So think about it. Try a nar-anon meeting, they were comforting and educational(for me.)
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 3, 2015, 2:08 PM
Hi Melliii- only one thing you HAVE to do- take care of YOU- YOU must be your first priority-as to your bf - he has sought help-well done him-he has admitted he is an addict-again well done-the next part, staying clean is the hard part-you cannot do this for him-support him, sure if you want to do this-but you cannot fix him-you cannot keep him clean- only he can do this- you must be prepared for the fact that he may relapse (hopefully not) but many do -you must decide how you will deal with this in advance so you are prepared for this- as the previous poster mentioned NA is a good place to go for support and advice-you should realy ask yourself do you want to live with this problem long term-addiction does not go away- he will never be cured-but hopefully will be clean- always bear one fact in mind - YOU are NOT responsible for his addiction or his recovery- SO DO NOT let GUILT play any part in any decision you make-whether you go or stay-he is ultimately responsible for his decisions- i wish you the best of luck - (I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict)
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Posted: February 3, 2015, 2:53 PM
Dear Meliii:
It sounds like your BF is on a typical path of addiction, followed by early struggles of recovery. As you know by know, going to treatment does not "fix" the addict. It only creates the first brick in the foundation of a life-long journey of recovery (one day at a time). It appears the parents have been coached, correctly, on how to parent an addicted child. Living in a sober-home is a good start for a recoverying addict. I encourage you to wait 1 year before contemplating any next-steps in this relationship. If he maintains sobriety, a house plant, and a pet in that 1-year, then you can consider where this is going. Anything short of that is a potential for disaster in my opinion. You may consider a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. I hope this helps, Flyboy | ||
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 3, 2015, 3:13 PM
Yes that is what I've been trying to do to take care of myself, and I don't blame myself for this,no know its a disease that he caused on himself.
I've actually been thinking about giving him a plant when he gets back, because I have heard about that, that people that are early in recovery shouldn't be in a relationship, should first have a plant, then a pet and then when a year sober try a relationship if possible. Thankfully I have educated myself as much as possible in addictions and heroin addiction itself, but still at the end of the day I feel ill never understand, because it's a thing that unless it has happened to you, you don't understand how they feel or think or anything honestly. And about going to an Nar Annon meeting I have thought about it, but i guess I'm just scared to go (I'm kinda young), and I don't know I just get nervous about going, but my bf has told me himself that he would want me to go to some for me to better understand what he's going through, so hopefully soon enough I'll find the courage to go to a meeting. | ||
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 3, 2015, 3:50 PM
as you said you are kinda young-do you really want to take commit yourself to a recovery program in Nar Anon- you have educated yourself about addiction, therefore you know what sort of life may lie ahead for you-do you want to live in the world of addiction- you can walk away with your head held high-this is not your problem to fix- ask yourself this before you commit to a long term relationship-or any sort of relationship-remember addicts are experts in manipulating people and situations to suit their needs- i'm in recovery i know the world you are entering- be very sure of what you are taking on-i'm sorry if this seems harsh- i dont doubt your sincerity but i have seeen many lives destroyed in the last 30 years of addiction and recovery-just thread carefully-all the best-
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Posted: February 3, 2015, 8:22 PM
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this but I would listen to what you're being told here. I wish someone would have told me what I was getting into. I was pretty naive to addiction but I know damn well what it is now. I would also like to mention that "pills" or any drug for that matter are just as bad as heroin. There is a huge stigma attached to heroin addicts mainly because of the way it is taken (injection). It's ALL bad s*** and leads to the same lifestyle. Addiction takes a toll on not only the addict, but the people that love them. If I were you, I would think about the long term and the things you want in life. Kids,home, family... Now throw in addiction and how do you think those things will work out? I am not saying there aren't addicts/alcoholics who don't make. I know many who have and are going strong BUT I also know many who just can't seem to get it together. My life has been forever changed by someone else's addiction but on the bright side, I got my son out of it and he lights up my life on a daily basis. Good luck to you!
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 4, 2015, 12:16 AM
Thank you everyone for your advice/opinions.
I'll see how he is when he finally gets out of sober house, and if he proves to me everyday that he's dedicated and goes to meetings everyday, and stays sober for a year and plus, I'll think if it's possible to have a future with him. If he doesn't stay dedicated I'll have no choice but to let him go. | ||
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 4, 2015, 8:39 AM
best of luck Mellii, if you need any help or support you know where to find us-control the things you can - don't fret about what is beyond your control-
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 4, 2015, 3:10 PM
Thank you so much!
Continue having a clean recovery 😊 | ||
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Posted: February 4, 2015, 5:51 PM
i just wanted to say something on hints of whether or not he is high in front of you. i know i was able to hide my addiction for many years.
I am only going to include some of the strongest signs. pin point pupils, even smaller than when you go into the blazing sun from a dark room. itching, often quite a bit throwing up falling asleep at inappropriate times long sleeved s***s cover bruises and tracks well too, but unless its summer its not much of a sign any of these don't 100% mean he is using, but it gets difficult to argue, and if they are in combination it's pretty damning evidence. Although, methadone and suboxone can both cause these for a period of time before you get stable on a dosage. Most of these stories I read remind me of myself in one way or another. I don't know if this will help or not. I hope he does well and beats this drug that has killed so may people i've known. | ||
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 4, 2015, 6:53 PM
Stinkfist... Thank you so much, my friend was just telling me that he was saying don't you know when he's high and honestly no! And he was telling me about the nodding off and stuff, and honestly I do remember the scratching, and throwing up beforeee like 6months ago or so, but recently I haven't noticed any of that! Which is what I hate the most that I don't notice when he's high, and I remember I've asked him in the past if he's even been high in front of me and he said yes many times, and it's like I DONT NOTICE IT!!!! It just gets so frustrating!!! But I'll start looking out for the pupils, and everything.
What sucks about dating a addict is that, I feel that if they're a recoverying addict, you feel the need to not jump all on them when you see one of those symptoms because you want to believe they are staying clean but it's like you can't help it sometimes, your mind automatically jumps to that conclusion sometimes. | ||
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Posted: February 6, 2015, 11:15 PM
yea, i am sure it is hard for people who have not gone through it to tell. I certainly wouldn't just jump to it as the conclusion for small things, but certain signs and combinations do warrent the question, or a tleast a... "why are you sleeping when its 1230pm?" or "why are you constantly itching today?" and vomiting has no real reason, specially if ur only sick for an hour or two. the pupils id be more careful about calling out on, but they would be a second sign to check if any others came up.
i dont really know of a good way but if you ever get to your limit you certainly need to bring it up and risk a fight before letting it get to you to the point that your beyond repairing things. i am sure any sane person would understand this, and sometimes when your clean its nice to be able to prove it with a test when someone is questioning you. maybe if you do reach that point and think he has relapsed talk to him and say for the sake of both of you and the relationship that you are going to keep a couple opiate panels on you and if you ever question him using that you will have him test. idk, also most those tests only pick up heroin, codeine, morphine, and not vicodin/oxys and fake/other peoples urine is common practice so they will never be 100% but may help. I know i would have been happy to take them instead of thinking my GF suspects me of using and there is nothing i can do. (also you can get the single panel opiate tests for like 1-$2 a piece online. just remember they dont show vicodin, oxys, and many other synthetic opiates) This post has been edited by stinkfist on February 6, 2015, 11:16 PM | ||
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Posted: February 6, 2015, 11:56 PM
Hi Mel!
A lot of good advice in previous posts. But, as an ex-partner of a heroin addict for many years, I can tell you this... ALWAYS base your judgements on THEIR actions. It sounds so simple and easy, but, inevitably, we become so confused by our love for them, that we forget about us. Making excuses, forgiving their stealing, lying etc., not only for them, but to ourselves. My only recommendation, be honest to YOU | ||
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 8, 2015, 9:09 PM
Stinkfist. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! There has been many times in the past that I thought he was using and I said I'd drug test him, and he would say go ahead drug test me, but at the end of the day I didn't have like $40 for a drug test that tests everything. So thank you so much I didn't know about those single panel drug test. It'll come in hand in the future for sure. Thank you!
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: February 8, 2015, 9:10 PM
Chidon. Thank you so much also! I know
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Posted: March 20, 2015, 12:47 AM
Hey girl,
My boyfriend is also addicted to opiates. However, I went into the relationship knowing about it and also knowing a bit about addiction because my family has a few addicts. I know how you feel..What you should do first and foremost is worry about you. Try as you might, but you yourself can not keep him sober. Heroin addiction is a very strong addiction and a scary one at that. It's stronger than your boyfriend and also mine. They can't fight this battle alone, but they need to want it for themselves. Ultimately, in my opinion, he needs to surrender to God. Find out about your nearest Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center. It is completely non profit, it won't cost you or his parents, or their insurance a dime. However, it does take a serious will to get sober as it is a very structured program. But that is what addicts need is structure. I have seen so many lives transformed via this program. This goes for all detox, rehabs, outpatients, inpatients... The program only works if you work it. If there is any information that you might want or if you'd just want to talk, reply or message me! I am just learning about this forum so I'm not sure how it all works, but I wanted to try it out and get my story out there and hopefully bring some hope to others. | ||
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Posts: 14
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: March 31, 2015, 1:08 AM
Hey justkeepswimming...
I find it funny how you brought up the salvation army rehabilitation program thing because that is where my bf has been for approximately a month now, I believe he's going to be there for 6months. | ||
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Posted: March 31, 2015, 6:38 PM
wow that's awesome, congratulations. There are nothing but amazing people there that want to see him live out a sober life, not just looking for the money from his insurance like many rehabs do. At salvation army you are seen as not only a human, but a child of God. <3 If you need anything, let me know.
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