My Crack Head Husband Is The Worst

Dear Running Wife... I'm in the same boat as you. I have a child as well and I know how you feel. These comments that I see are both correct as well as incorrect; let me explain... No, you and your children do not "deserve" it, but that's the same as saying, if he had say... BRAIN CANCER, and had his "good days" and his "bad days" (as brain cancer patients do, with mood swings, outbursts, etc.)... Would you say "we don't deserve this" and run? No, I'm sure that you would not, but what I'm willing to bet that you WOULD do (if you love him or if you at least did, at one time and you MUST have, because you married him and had children with him) is that you would (no matter HOW BAD his "bad days" are) never stop telling him or encouraging him to seek medical help, right? Also, the one comment was correct, in saying that addicts don't care about ultimatums--- because they don't; at least, not when the ultimatums are put into "words". See, to the addict (especial, I don't know what your hubby is hooked on, but for ME, my hubby's drug of choice is crack--- the worst of the WORST drug, in the world) words only sound like intimating "threats" and as though you're trying to control them; this freaks the addict out, and they want to "fight for their rights" (so to speak)--- they'll get defensive, which (in essence) is allowing them to continue to have control over you. Over your thoughts, actions, words and sanity. When the ultimatums are in "words", the addict doesn't see it as "real" (you know, the whole "all talk, no action" mentality). The only thing that slaps the addict in the face is reality in ACTIONS, for instance, my husband was just complaining the other day about getting tired of having to "pay all the bills" (we HAVE NO bills, because we live with my father, for free) and I said, "Well, we were $40 short, this week" this offended him, because he said "You have to go back to THAT?!", meaning I was trying to beat him over the head with his "mistake". Now yes, these were "words", but it was actually an ACTION in the FORM of words--- The action was (as my counselor puts it) "Matter of fact, reality feedback". What this does, is slaps the addict in the face with the "reality" of the reason he/she is REALLY suffering consequences; because of their OWN bad actions, poor choices, mistakes (makes no difference what you call it, it's all the same), and doesn't allow them to deny the real reason they are suffering the consequences. To "run" from your husband is not the answer; believe me, he is scared and he needs you--- he's sick, and I'm sure on your wedding day, somewhere in your wedding vows, you promised him that you'd either live WITH (not run away from) him, or love him IN (not AWAY from him) the BEST of times, as WELL as live WITH (not run away from him) and/or love him IN (not AWAY from him) the WORST of times... Well, believe me, I know from CURRENT EXPERIENCE, these ARE the "worst" of times. As the one person stated, you must remember that it's the drugs that are manipulating him; I've explained to my 11 year old daughter that it's basically a "brain sickness", because the drugs affect the brain in a way that make him not be able to behave properly or think right, but daddy loves her, he's just sick and she understands that and loves him. I don't know how old your children are, but if they are not afraid of daddy (as long as he doesn't become violent) then you could do them much more emotional and mental harm than good, by taking them away from him. My husband becomes violent with me, when he's withdrawing, so what I have learned (because in his RIGHT and SOBER mind, he is like gold and would never and never HAS hurt me) that it's not HIM, but the ADDICTION that hates me, doesn't care whether I live or die and doesn't care how much it hurts me an my daugher--- therefore, when the ADDICTION is "acting up", I don't provoke it, by trying to "rationalize" or "reason" with it---- that's impossible; it will never work. When I don't provoke the addiction, it doesn't "attack". Crack addiction (again, that's my hubby's addiction) is more than an addiction; it's a demon, with a mind TOTALLY of it's own, and when it's stronger than my hubby, it's in TOTAL control, and my husband has NONE. There's a web site I found that has really helped ME cope with this "demon" a LOT and it may help you, as well--- it's www.thedevilscandy.com; although it's specifically talking about crack addiction, it could be applied to any substance addiction. I pray that you think about all that I've said (hey, I'm STILL going through it, NOW; litteraly-- he's out using, right now, after saying he was going out to "borrow money" for food, because we have none and that was at 7pm, it's now 1:42am and he's still out--- I know what he's doing; not to mention, I know his habits, like how he takes money out of the bank account and how much and I've checked, so I know he's using) but I do hope you take to heart, what I've said and check that web site out; it's really good--- it was put together by a man who is a recovered crackhead and his wife who lived with it and they BOTH overcame... God bless~ P.S.: Check out: http://www.naranonchat.com/. This is the online Nar Anon chat/meetings I attend; my hubby is too suspicious, if I "go" somewhere, but we as the significant others who are addicts have to keep OUR sanity, when THEIR'S seems to be "gone", HAVE to have support, just TO keep our own sanity.... My name is Vicki; I'd like to see you there---- I just found them, but in only 2 days, I have gotten more encouragement, compassion and EMPATHY than I have, since my husband started using~

This post has been edited by zadaal375 on February 28, 2015, 3:07 AM