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Posts: 3
Joined: December 4, 2014
Posted: December 4, 2014, 12:19 PM
I am new to the group but after reading these posts I am so glad I found this site.
I don't know where to begin. My son who is almost 40 is addicted to oxy, Xanax, Percocet You name it, sad thing is they are all prescribed meds from his so called pain mgmt dr from pain from previous broken ankle and knee. It started when he was about 26 and was living with us with his girlfriend,,(although It probably started when he was 19),I kept finding bags of pot on his bed, like he wanted me to find it,,,,,after many arguments I kicked them both out and told him (girlfriend is antidrug) and girlfriend it's about time to get their own place. And they did,,,it was so hard, and I missed them so much but they were only down the road and we ended up on good terms. They bought a home, got married, had a beautiful little girl and life was good,,,until about 6 years ago when my then daughter in law suspected he was smoking weed again and maybe worse, he got fired from his job.,,,arguments, divorce 2 1/2 years ago and he is worse then ever. We paid for the divorce because he turned us agains her, made us believe it was all her fault,,, He lost everything, his beautiful wife and home, his brand new vehicle was repossessed, Has no car insurance, and as far as I know no license..... Not only is he taking the pills but he sells them and brags he is making enough to live on,,,,NOT, he lives with a relative and mooches off them, he has shared custody of his daughter and they are here a few nights every week and every other weekend. Until, that is, this past week when I stopped him from coming into our drug free home. Lies, lies and more lies, has druggies coming to MY HOME to buy, drinks alcohol and smokes weed with the pills, says he will and can do better, I bought that line for a long time and now I know he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He got arrested right outside our home, my granddaughter saw him handcuffed and taken to police station because he has no brakes on his car and hit a building, leaving the scene of the accident, then sideswiped a car with his daughter in the car, she was a mess, she is 9 now , But two months prior. Again with daughter in car he was arrested for controlled deadly substance in car (pot) and carted off again My husband and I can't take it anymore, he threatens we wont see our granddaughter ever again and the next day asks to come over .....he keeps getting out of the tickets after going to court and paying the fines, luckily has not gone to jail,,,,yet,, he won't go to rehab says nothing wrong with him. He self medicates and sleeps all day and night,, no intentions of ever working again.... He wasn't raised like that, we are hard working honest family first people,,he has a chip on his shoulder and blames me for his 'rotten' childhood,,,that we never did anything for him and were never there for him, which I know now is a guilt trip he is putting on us,,,, last week we told him he can't come here anymore and have cut ties with him. I cry constantly trying to find a way to 'fix' him but I know now from reading all conversations that I've been nothing but an enabler. Is it wrong to cut him off??? I am at my wits end, but for the last week life has been peaceful here...I wont and can't condone his lifestyle and I've taken the blinders off. And with the holidays coming up I don't know what else to do. This post has been edited by Feeling sad on December 4, 2014, 12:23 PM | ||
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Posted: December 4, 2014, 12:34 PM
Dear Feeling Sad, First thing I want to express and get through to you is let me get this straight your son an addict he's selling drugs multiple arrests is threatening you you won't see your granddaughter. ..Right now today you get a hold of a lawyer and take steps to get custody of your grandchild.You have all you need to prove he is unfit to be a parent.He is toxic to your grandchild ...He has even gotten into accidents with her present in the car. ..What more do you need to see ...get control of yourself and fight for custody of your grandchild.He is not even able to control himself. ..there is a 9 year old child there ...You need to step up to the plate.I have said this time and time again you cannot allow the inmate to run the asulym.I d be damned if I'd allow him to bully me I won't see my grandbaby...I'd fight tooth and nail to be her parental guardian.Maybe that might ruffle his feathers ..to bad..either he'll make an effort to get help...which I doubt because he hasn't yet...or he'll continue on this road getting high hooking others on drugs his illegal activity...but he won't be dragging a innocent 9 year old along with him.Also an addict will blame everyone else for their problems...I tell my son I didn't do drugs I didn't buy you or introduce you to drugs...wanna blame someone look at the man in the mirror...You have no one to blame but yourself...You did it...I am not to blame ..only you can fix you.
This post has been edited by Christophers Mom on December 4, 2014, 1:11 PM | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: December 4, 2014, 2:16 PM
Feeling sad:
Have you been in touch with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon in your area? You can find them in your phone book or on-line .. they are a 12 Step group for families & friends of alcoholics/addicts. Give them a call and find out where the meetings are in your area .. and go to them. They can help you. They have been where you are. I wish you the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 3
Joined: December 4, 2014
Posted: December 4, 2014, 6:51 PM
Christophers Mom,,,,,,you need to know
We still maintain a relationship and understanding with our ex daughter in law,, she does not or will not keep our granddaughter away from us, what he does not realize is that we will see her while he may not,,his threats are empty and he knows it, ,he is coming here tomorrow to talk to me and my husband. He's fixed his car, putting in job apps, and wants to get help....we shall see! I'll keep you posted. This post has been edited by Feeling sad on December 4, 2014, 6:54 PM | ||
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Posted: December 4, 2014, 9:11 PM
Dear Feeling Sad, I will keep you and your family in my prayers...yes please keep us posted ...we do care...here we are extended family.
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Posted: December 5, 2014, 7:07 AM
Even though my son is 21 and we havn't been dealing with the stress for as long as you, I know exactly what you are describing. I bet you breathed a sigh of relief for awhile there when he was married and thought he (and you) were past the difficult times . It's heartbreaking.
It also fills me with dread that you are still dealing with all this with a 40 year old son. It makes my resolve to no longer enable our son in his lifestyle even stronger. I think you are well within your rights to no longer want to accept the chaos and emotional blackmail your son brings into your lives. It is your life too and you only get one shot at it. There is nothing wrong with having boundaries and words mean very little without actions to back them up. I would sit back and watch to see if your son does put actions behind his words of admitting he needs help. If you find yourself looking into rehabs/ counsellors or doing all the legwork then you will know that he is just trying to appease you as to get what he wants. My son is a master in that technique but I've become hardened to it. I now know when I'm being used. Listen closely to yourself and do what you know is right for you. Which could ultimately be good for him also. Don't give him any more opportunities to rip off or hurt his family as it will only make him feel like a bigger piece of crap. No one else knows what you've been through or the dynamics so ignore well meaning advice. Take care and just know there are so many people here, myself included, who know how painful this stuff is. Take care of yourself. | ||
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Posts: 3
Joined: December 4, 2014
Posted: December 5, 2014, 8:11 AM
Sadkiwimum
I am just so grateful that I found this support site, it really does help me to know that I am not alone, while at the same time, it's upsetting that so many parents are going thru hell from dealing with their adult children. I will pray for your son and you to have continued strength and perservence Yes, when he was married all was good for quite awhile, I thnk when he lost his job he lost his self respect and took it very personally. I am tired of trying to figure it out, now I need to see it worked out. His father and him spent a lot of time together last night,and my hubby feels like our son might finally be getting the fact that he has a problem and needs help. I will see him today, and my granddaughter. My son is such a compassionate and beautiful human being and I know he has forgotten himself. I'll update after this weekend. Prayers for everyone on this site. Thank you for your kind words. This post has been edited by Feeling sad on December 5, 2014, 8:15 AM | ||
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Posted: December 5, 2014, 2:38 PM
It can take a very long time to grow up, and some never really do. Disappointment and rejection are painful and sometimes shaming however this is not a justification for abusing meds or drugs. Your son will have to figure out himself why his coping skills are non existent. Or not. It's his choice. Real deep change occurs over time, so although it's good he's talking to his dad, keep watching.
All the best. | ||
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