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Posted: October 29, 2014, 9:41 PM
I have known my boyfriend for over 4 years now. We have been dating on and off since we first met. Before I met him, he got in an accident and the doctors told him he had a traumatic brain injury. It damaged his frontal lobe. Which I understand controls his judgement and reason and his ability to control his emotions. When we first started dating, I knew he was smoking pot. At the time, it didn't really bother me. But then I felt like I was always the one to buy him stuff for anniversaries or birthdays. It sounds shallow, I know, but he never bought me anything. Ever. I knew where his money was going and I didn't like it. He said that the pot helped him cope with his anxiety. Maybe it did, but he has already been arrested twice for drugs and paraphernalia. If he gets caught again, he goes to prison. So eventually, I got sick of it and told him to either choose between me or pot. He chose pot. So we didn't talk for about 6 months and then we started talking again. Then, we broke up for other reasons, not related to drugs. Now, we have been back together for almost 7 months. Within those 7 months, he started shooting up heroin. His family and I convinced him to go to California and check into rehab. He was there for about a month and did well. Then he lived in a halfway house there for another month. Then he came home. When he first came home, he was like a different person. When I picked him up from the airport, he actually paid for my breakfast. I was elated. Everything had been going smoothly until recently. He came over to my house a few times when I was home for break. When I got back to school, my mom called me and said that some of her Adderall was gone. My heart sank. I knew my boyfriend had taken them. I proceeded to call him and he admitted it almost right away. I found out a few days later that he had not been clean since he has been home from California. He has been smoking pot this whole time. He says that he has stopped since the whole incident with my parents. He has gone to at least one NA meeting since it happened. Which is great, but the way he talks make me feel like he doesn't want to stop. He doesn't think pot is bad. And I don't really either. But it is still illegal, at least where I live. I feel like he is choosing pot over me. But he doesn't see it that way. He thinks he should be able to do it because he wants to. He has severe depression and I believe that's why he started using in the first place. I think he stated using heroin because the pot wasn't enough. Like he needed something stronger. He is mad at me because I gave him an ultimatum. I don't know what to do. I told him that he could earn my trust back if he started buying those at home drug tests. That's the only way I will be able to know that he is clean for sure. I want this to work so bad. I know he can be the man I need him to be. I just want him to see how pot has ruined his relationship with me and his family. I just need some advice desperately. I don't know what to do.
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Posted: October 30, 2014, 6:22 AM
Your boyfriend has convinced himself that he has a lot of excuses to use, but rather than see a psychiatrist and deal with his depression in a rational, legitimate way, he has chosen pot and heroin. This makes no sense.
He has been to rehab and is familiar with sober programs, but may not be willing to do the hard work necessary to stay sober in the outside world. Many addicts do very well in-patient, but lack the motivation once they leave treatment. It's like the motivation comes from outside themselves in the rehab environment, rather than from inside themselves. They fall back into old habits, and hang out with old friends unless they make a committed effort to change the way they think and behave. Rather than face his emotional problems head-on and be willing to put up with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety, he has chosen the easy way out....drugs. If you continue to nag or confront him, you will be wasting your breath. He will not change unless he chooses to do so. A more important question is, why are you investing all of this time and effort in him at this point? Are you willing to continue for years propping up a man who is not willing to help himself? Where does this leave you? We all love our addicts, but must realize that our lives are at stake too. We cannot sacrifice ourselves for others who are not willing to do the right things. Pity only goes so far. If we continue to stay enmeshed in their problems, we lose ourselves and our hopes and dreams. Keep posting. There are many here who struggle with the same issues. | ||
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Posted: October 31, 2014, 9:45 AM
Thank you very much. I don't know why I am still with him. He has been the only guy that I have really connected with. We have our ups and downs. When we have our good days, it makes me feel like everything is okay and that maybe he will change. Like yesterday, he told me that I was right. I about fell over. I had told him that he can either smoke pot or have a future with me. I told him the only future pot will give him is prison or he will start using heroin again. I told him that I could give him a happy future, where he won't end up in prison. He said I was right in that he couldn't smoke pot here because it is illegal. I guess it's a start. I want him to want to stop smoking pot. But on the other hand, I shouldn't have to try to show him or convince him that I am better than pot.
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Posts: 144
Joined: November 8, 2014
Posted: November 9, 2014, 5:52 PM
You seem strong...keep up with your ultimatums...if you say something...stick to it....don't back down or you will quickly be taken advantage of. You seem like a very smart girl. Don't let your attraction to him...bring you down. You deserve a normal life....maybe take a break from him and all guys and focus on your school work...then his life will work itself out or not..but you can not help him..he has to help himself.
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Posted: March 1, 2015, 5:11 PM
I know this is an old post. But I am suffering with the same thing with my boyfriend. Let him work his own issues out. You need to recover too. If it's meant to be it will be! Good luck
-------------------- God declares I think of you and I have plans for you, prosperity, and a future filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 | ||
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