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Posted: October 21, 2014, 12:39 PM
I dated this person and he lived with me 3 years ago. We recently got back together because he said he wanted to be a better person and really cared about me. He really seemed like a different person. Almost 3 months into our relationship he is using and now admitted he had not really stopped. I am at the point that I know I need to end it but feel guilty and want to help him get the help he needs to stop using crack. But feel he will never stop. What is the best way to help him? What is the best successful treatment plan for a crack addict?
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Posted: October 21, 2014, 1:35 PM
I would recommend NA anonymous
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Posted: October 21, 2014, 1:49 PM
I was just looking for local NA meetings in my area. For him or for me? The ones close to him are right in the area where he can get crack. Scares me that he will go and then get high. He is a good person, hard work with goo work ethics but no control when it comes to crack. He is so defeated when I talk about him getting help.. He says it is impossible to quit.
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: October 21, 2014, 3:26 PM
Addicts/alcoholics are very nice, smart people but they are sick.
Anyone who knowingly takes on an addict/alcoholic to fix is sick as well. NA for him and Narc-Anon for you. You can both recover if you apply yourselves to the program(s). Millions have done it. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: October 22, 2014, 8:00 AM
Thank for the advice Papa Bear. I don't want to fix him, just encourage him to get the help he needs. If he is not willing to get help I can't have that in my life. I love him and always will. But emotionally it drains me because I always have it in the back of my mind that he will smoke it again. We shall see! One day at a time is how I live. It really makes it hard when his family tells me that I a good for him, but I can't save him he has to save himself.
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Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: October 23, 2014, 12:30 AM
oddly enough......
For me to overcome my addiction I had to change, to become a different person. Although this helped to improve my relationship with my daughters, I no longer found an interest in being with most of my friends. I have often wondered how this transformation would have effected my marriage had we remained together. i wish you luck, just keep in mind you fell in love with an addict, things may change when he gets sober. Be well, Larry -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644 
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Posts: 55
Joined: October 15, 2014
Posted: October 25, 2014, 11:30 PM
It is best to post this on Families/partners of addicts.
I see the title of your question and I already feel bad. I have a brother who is a coke adn crack addict. Crack is soooooooooooooooo addictive as you may already know. Done everything I could to help. Instead lost my joy for living. I am the one who would go to therapy in order to know how to cope with that monster. One thing you should do is to let him to the homework. He can just google and he will find tones of info. If he wants to change he can find the resources. The same way they are so smart to find the dealers right? The motivation must come from him if he really wants to change. And please do not use the word GUILT. Why should you feel guilty? Have you pushed him to become an addict? It is not that easy to help or save an addict. You just risk losing yourself in the process. If you have the strength and courage leave before it is too late. Also the addicts ususally love the drugs more than anything or anyone, The high they get from the drug seems to be a feeling that is much stronger than so called love. Why is it that some people rob and kill to get their fix? Even if you put a top model if front of a man and asks them to chsoe they would most likely take the drugs. Stay strong and think also of your own happiness. You have a choice though. You can stay but there are no guarantees. This post has been edited by Krista2000 on October 25, 2014, 11:35 PM | ||
Posts: 39
Joined: October 29, 2014
Posted: October 29, 2014, 11:23 PM
NA will be the good choice here.
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Posted: November 5, 2014, 8:13 AM
Thanks for all the replies and advice. He has asked me to take him to work his next pay to take his paycheck so he doesn't make a bad choice and spend the majority of it on drugs. Hoping this is going in the right direction. Haven't talked about meetings yet. Dealing with is crazy ex-girl friend now. She hates me and is trying to break us up. Yes she uses too. Still taking it one day at a time to see if he sees the light to change his ways. He said he can't promise but is trying.
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Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: November 5, 2014, 7:55 PM
Excellent!
Make it permanent, a routine, without fail. Now he'll need to buy...something. You could get a debit card and don't tell him the pin #. He can still make store purchases, but can't get cash. This is just a band-aid on deep wound, but will help slow things down. If he agrees, let me/us know. Live on Purpose, Larry PS does he read this stuff? The fox will outsmart the fox. -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644
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Posts: 144
Joined: November 8, 2014
Posted: November 8, 2014, 8:40 PM
The best way to help him is to leave him. Much easier said than done.
In the meantime...do not HELP him...let him make his own meals, get his own money for the stuff, do his own laundry and live your life the best you can. Get up in the morning and leave...do your thing if he is not ready than he stays home. Do not cater to him....leave is the best thing all the other things are 2nd best...be strong...because he will bring you down with him. | ||
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Posted: November 9, 2014, 12:07 PM
Larry he doesn't read this stuff. He doesn't know I am on here. I will try your suggestion but not sure he will agree. Just the fact that he suggested me getting his check is a step in the right direction.
And Missy, I don't live with him. He lives at his parents right now. No car of his own, so they take him to work and back. He does his own laundry ect. He hates what he does and I really think he wants to quit. Going to support him and be there. He will not live with me until he makes changes and better choices in his life. One day at I time is all I have right now. Thanks for your replies. | ||
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Posts: 144
Joined: November 8, 2014
Posted: November 9, 2014, 9:08 PM
They always ask me if I want cash back with my debit card. Maybe I have a special one?
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Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: November 10, 2014, 7:44 AM
Ah, yes, cash back....hmmm.
Make sure you can use it like a "credit card", ie; without the pin#, that way he can't get cash back. And of course he will see a problem with the whole idea, he's an addict. This is where you must decide which fight is more important, his addiction or your suffering. If he's not willing to be uncomfortable, why should you be? Of course he could always check into rehab, then he would have no money. It really comes down to his need/want to change and how far he is willing to go to do this. Be well, Larry -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644
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Posted: November 14, 2014, 2:03 PM
Well Larry today was payday. Took him to work and he gave me check and debit card to deposit and didn't ask me to get cash out. He has bills to pay and will be picking him up from work tonight. Going to talk about getting bills paid and will offer to do that for him in hopes of keeping debit card to do that for him. Longer he doesn't have it the better. Didn't get to talk about changing pin number on this account. Which is a excellent Idea. Feeling hopeful.
Lori | ||
Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: November 14, 2014, 2:36 PM
Hi Lorali, you wont much like what i am going to say - leave now, end the relationship- you are leaving yourself open to a whole world of pain- i am a recovering alcoholic and drug user- i was sober for some years, but developed an addiction to pain medication- i am sober today, thank god - but i cant tell you whether i will be sober tomorrow- thats the life you are going to end up leading- if he is late for something- you will think he is using- if he is sick you will wonder ? - thats the way it is in addiction - no certainties no security and no gaurentees- i recently split from my g/f and best friend - i would not put her through that lifestyle - if he loves you he will understand- be a friend , sure - be there for him if he needs a friend, but you have to be prepared to walk away at any stage- you need to protect yourself- only he can help himself, it is a selfish disease whether we are in active addiction or recovery - sorry
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Posted: June 2, 2016, 9:42 PM
I don't know what I'm doing with this crack addict, he's a we'll payed individual with loving children but he lets me down all the time and I always go back, I love him so much and he is like my drug, I don't go out anymore cus I know soon as I turn my back he will go score, I lay in bed Lonley and wondering what he is doing if and when he is coming back I have no family and feel like I stay with him because he is the only one who loves me and I know he truly loves me however the feeling of everything being excellent then he doesnt come back hurts and hurts like hell I don't know whether to stay and put up for the love I sometimes receive or go
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Posted: June 3, 2016, 1:32 PM
Mitch,
This is an old thread, but I see you posted yesterday. I am the wife of a crack addict and we have been dealing with this for two years. Reading your post put my right back in our bed, alone while he was running the streets with the woman he was using for drugs. I am sure that he does love you, in his twisted way. But he can't love you properly until he learns to love himself and deal with the problems that he has that are causing his addiction. When we were married, he was clean and hid his addiction from me. You think you can reason with them. You can't. You think you can show them what they are losing and how they are killing themselves. But they already know. I am attempting to make it work with my husband because we have children and he is now in rehab and working his own steps, but I have learned thru Nar-Anon that I need to live for me and let him make his own choices. I AM truly POWERLESS over my addict. And I am prepared to leave him if he cannot stay within the boundaries that I have set for myself. The boundaries are not for him. You can't control him. They are for you, and if your addict cannot respect those boundaries, you need to make the choice that is right for you. You will learn that as you go on as well. And the sooner you realize that and start living for you and stop trying to save him, the better off you will both be. HE IS your drug and you do have an addiction that is just as serious as his and you need to let him fall and work on curing your own addiction. I don't know the author of this, but it helped me immensely to let my husband fall and learn to fight his own battles and hit his bottom, because until he does that, you can forget about him getting better. It was written for parents of the addict, but the same information still applies to those who are dating/married. I hope it helps you like it did me: I’m your Qualifier I want to introduce myself to you; I’m your qualifier and the reason you’re here. You believe just because you gave me life and raised me that you know me…but you really don’t. I’d like to use this time to introduce the real me to you so maybe you can gain a better understanding of why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do and why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. I don’t know if I was born an addict but I do know the first time I got high an addict was born. Fist of all you have to accept the fact that I think differently than you do. Some of this will make sense to you and some of this will sound like excuses that you’ve heard before, but just know that the ones that sound like excuses are based on my fact, my perspective and the knowledge and experience of the people who are trying to help me get clean. These are people I have placed my trust and faith in because all they want from me is to succeed in my endeavor to stay clean for another day. You have you own goals for me like going to college, getting a job, getting married and finally having kids so you can have grandkids and can show all of your friends their pictures. See these are your goals for me and not necessarily my goals for myself. Let me try to explain how I see things. See, you think I have a drug problem but I don’t; I have a living problem. You think I use drugs but the reality is that the drugs use me. Drugs are for those of us that can't handle reality, and reality is for people like you that can't handle their drugs. To me Reality is a nice place to visit but I really don’t like living there. I live in constant fear of letting you down; of not living up to your expectations. I put off doing things out of fear and you call me a procrastinator, but procrastination is just a 5 syllable word for fear. Drugs make me feel alive and normal, but they also make me paranoid, incoherent and both destructive and pathetically and relentlessly self-destructive. Then I would do unconscionable things in order to feel normal and alive again. Drugs gave me wings and then slowly took away my sky. I looked to drugs for courage and they made me a coward. You say that I had always been a sensitive, perceptive, joyful and exceptionally bright child, but on drugs I became unrecognizable. You should try looking in the mirror and not knowing the reflection looking back at you. I long for the day I am able to look in the mirror and be OK with the person I see looking back. Like all kids, when I was really young I used to think there was a monster in my closet and under my bed and you would come into my room and reassure me that there wasn’t one by opening the closet and looking under the bed. Now that I am older you can’t convince me of that anymore and it’s not your job to. But since I found drugs I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster; but it’s not in my closet or under the bed but inside of me, and that if I can’t learn to ignore it, it will destroy me. When I first started getting high it was pleasurable for awhile; I had finally experienced nirvana, and then the euphoria wore off and I began to see the ugly side of my using and I experienced hell. I found the higher the drugs got me the lower they brought me. After awhile I faced 2 choices, either I could suffer the pain of withdrawal or take more drugs. I did the withdrawal thing more times than you’ll ever know and it’s not pleasurable at all; in fact it’s just the opposite. If you remember there were times where I said I couldn’t go to school or work because I had the flu, but more times than not it was because I was going through withdrawal. I guess the best way to describe withdrawal is insuperable depression and acute anxiety -- a drawn-out agony. Some of the times I choose withdrawal because I didn’t want to use anymore, that I hated who I had become, but for the most part it was because I didn’t have a choice in the matter…I had run out of drugs. You would think that after experiencing the emotional and physical pain of withdrawal that I would never let myself go through that again…right? See that’s how you see it, but to me it just became a part of my using and a consequence I was willing to pay. You may call that insanity…I call that life. I’ve been to enough meetings to know the readings by heart and one of the phrases that jumps out at me every time I hear it, is: “when we use drugs we are slowly committing suicide”. I never thought of it that way but now I totally understand what it means…but still I use. I’m sure you remember the show Mash; it was pretty popular when you were growing up. The theme song is actually titled “suicide is painless” and in its context, I’m sure it’s true. But the slow suicide of my using is not painless in the least; I feel the pain and can see the flame of my life getting fainter every time I use. All those times you yelled at me for my using you gave me exactly what I needed to feed my addiction. You thought you were doing it out of love but you were actually justifying to me what my mind had convinced me I was a long time ago. I look at myself as a failure; as a complete waste of space. There is a line from a song called Southern Cross and this line defines my past and it goes: “I never failed to fail because it’s the easiest thing to do”. When you yell and scream you just confirm to me that I am a failure and after awhile it becomes common place; not to mention expected. Its one thing if I think of myself as a loser or failure but to know that’s how you see me as well makes it easier for my mind to convince me to use. My basic problem is that I flee from those who want me and I pursue my rejecters. There are a few things you can do if you really want to help me. I know by telling you these things I’m actually cutting off my main money source…you. I will never stop using as long as you keep giving me money or supporting me. I can only stop using when I hit my bottom and only I can put down the shovel and quit digging. When you bail me out, buy me a car, pay for my rent or give me money you aren’t helping me at all; you are only handing me the shovel again and telling me to keep digging. You keep letting me come back home to live because you think you’re helping me out but if your honest, you’ll realize that you are doing it for purely selfish reasons. When you know I’m in the room next door you sleep better. The last thing I’ll confess to you is the real reason I steal from you. I steal from you because I’m counting on you not calling the cops on me. I count on you not wanting me to go to jail; to have a criminal record. I steal from you because you keep letting me move back home. You make the mistake of thinking that recovery is simply a matter of not drinking or using drugs. And you consider a relapse a sign of complete failure and long periods of abstinence a complete success. But these perceptions are too simplistic. My life is anything but simple and I’m not just talking about my using drugs. The way my mind works, nothing is as easy as just doing it because my mind tries to convince me not to do it. It doesn’t matter how simple of a task it is…even unloading the dishwasher is a mind struggle for me. My mind also loves to make every little thing that goes wrong a major crisis. Let me try to explain this in as simple terms as I possibly can. Let’s say we both go outside in the morning and our cars don’t start. You go in and call a mechanic and I go in and call suicide prevention. I’m what they call a W.C.S person; which stands for worst case scenario. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste; well my mind is a terrible thing to listen to. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be…mine won’t let me be happy. My mind keeps reminding me that there is only 18 inches between a halo and a noose. Relapse isn’t a requirement but it does happen to quite a few addicts. The hard truth is that if there were 50 addicts in their 1st meeting together, more of us will be dead in 5 years that will have 5 years clean. The last time I relapsed it was because the bottom fell out faster than I could lower my standards. It’s really difficult to solve a problem with the same mind that created it and God knows I’ve created a lot of problems for myself...and for you. I hope some day you will realize that I am not a bad person trying to get good; I’m a sick person trying to get well. I suffer from the disease of addiction. If you believe this you won’t be so critical of me. For a critic is just a person who goes onto the battlefield after the battle has been fought and shoots the survivors. Believe me when I say this; I don’t want to be an addict as much as you wish you weren’t a parent of one. I want to end this with a few things that I feel might help you work on you 1) When my qualifier beat me to my knees, I found I was right where I needed to be. 2) You can’t experience victory if you refuse to surrender. 3) Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? 4) If you are going to pray don’t worry but if you are going to worry don’t pray. 5) There is no elevator to this program; you have to take the steps. 6) I’ve discovered that miracles are possible without my consent. 7) The Alanon books are your road map, and the meetings are your filling stations. 1) Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. 2) The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. 3) Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go. 4) Life is like an onion; you peel it one layer at a time; and sometimes you cry. 5) If you share your pain you cut it in half, if you don’t you double it. 6) Keep in mind that even your worst day only has 24 hours 7) Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but you never get anywhere. 8) You can’t direct the winds, but you can adjust your sails. 9) Even if you fall flat on your face, you’re still moving forward. 10) When the only tool you have is a hammer; every problem begins to resemble a nail. 11) Disappointment is inevitable; but misery is optional. 12)You don’t have to control your thoughts, you just have to stop letting them control you. 13)Don’t measure wealth by what you have that you could sell, measure wealth by what you have that you wouldn’t sell. 14) Religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell; spirituality is for those who have already been there. 15) Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. | ||
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