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Posted: October 8, 2014, 11:02 PM
My adult son has served time in jail (8 months) all drug related cases. And when he was released went straight to rehab because they promised him they would get him a Sober Living house to live in and assist with his job search when he got out....but for some reason we may never really know, 2 wks before his rehab release he was kicked out. He gave us a long story about it but I really don't know if it is true...but anyway it saddened me with just 2 wks left he lost his chance of getting the help he was promised. Now, I know, that he could still find a sober living place on his own and go forward from there, but he chose not to.
This was back in March of this year....since then his dad agreed to let him live at home with him in the same town where my son's troubles started. I knew in my heart this would be a big mistake...too many triggers to tempt him back to that lifestyle. But the condition was that my son had to get to work and stay clean until he can get on his own feet and get his own place. We still encouraged him to go to Sober Living but he refused. And if he didnt have his dad's place to live he really doesnt have anywhere else to go except for may be some other drug addicts couch. Since March my son has relapsed over and over and over. He would get kicked out for a while then allowed back in with the same condition again. He would do good for awhile and then relapse again. He does work for a temp. labor agency...hoping to land something full time. And if you could meet him you would see him as a kind, caring person who really wants to do good in his life but this has taken control of him, and he is so stubborn about getting help. My son is now starting to get even more disrespectful and having temper tantrums-not with me-just his dad when his dad starts getting on his case ...steals from his dad...showing up at his dad's house high, or worse yet his dad caught him shooting up in the bathroom more than once. His dad has had enough and as heart broken as he feels, he is even more angry...I mean those 2 will go nose to nose although they have never actually got physical. But his dad has warned me that if our son shows up high again that he will call the police. I am so afraid of this...jail is not what he needs...he needs treatment, and I told him that they won't arrest him just because he's high...he has to have something in his possession. So his dad tells me he has proof/evidence that he would show them. He really means to do this. I keep encouraging my son to stay on track, get help...or he will be in so much trouble again....What would you do if this was your son | ||
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Posted: October 9, 2014, 6:35 AM
The problem is not jail vs. rehab. It's that your son is not ready to surrender. He continues to play both you and your husband in order to keep using.
He continues to stay dependent by living either with you or your husband. Addicts need to feel the consequences of their using. This is not cruel or harsh, this is the reality they need to feel. By protecting them from any problems like where to sleep, or how to eat since they choose drugs over the normal things in life, we are being dishonest. This is simply not how life works. We send the message that "it's ok to continue to screw up, ignore opportunities to get your life on track, and generally use everybody and make everyone else's life miserable." We parents worry ourselves sick if we do not take care of our addicted kids, and have anxiety over what will happen if we turn them loose. But, what we are really doing is enabling them. If he is capable of doing the things necessary to get drugs, he is certainly capable of doing the things to stop using drugs. Addicts are not as helpless as we imagine them to be. Often they present themselves as needing continuous help and support. Think about it....an Alzheimer's patient needs this....not a grown adult who is capable of working a temp job. Your son must realize that you and your husband are not going to be around forever to take care of him. Continuing to use drugs and steal from your family is a deal-breaker. He has resources and life-lines outside of the family, he is simply choosing a more cushy route than struggling on his own. The literature calls this the "King-Baby Syndrome". Addicts tend to "expect" preferential treatment from their families. They "expect" to be catered to, forgiven, and propped up. They end up ruling the roost, at the expense and sanity of their families. Please don't feed into this. By continuing to support him, when he is showing no signs of seeking to change, this reinforces his dysfunction. Sit him down, and without anger, tell him it is time for him to be on his own. If he has to sleep on somebody's couch for a while, so be it. It is better to push him out of "his nest", than continue to support an adult who is capable of working to support himself. It is up to him as to whether he wants to get clean or not. Hard as it may be, the truth is you did not cause his addiction, and you cannot cure it. Keep posting. There are many people here who struggle with the same issues. | ||
Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: October 9, 2014, 6:56 PM
yes, I would and have had him arrested. my regret is I didn't do it sooner. He is in prison and we have talked for hours on end I asked him why he kept stealing from us, breakinging into our house...his answer, "I knew you wouldn't call the police"
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Posted: October 9, 2014, 9:15 PM
Roberta and momg....thank you for your input. It really does help me more than I can say.
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Posted: October 9, 2014, 9:32 PM
Roberta....you say that addicts need to feel the consequences of their actions. My son was in jail for 8 months...I thought that would be a very strong consequence...He was in the hospital more than once from OD, and yet he continues to relapse.
Yes, he can make a choice...but you know that at this point its not only about choices...they say that heroin is the toughest drug to recover from. It actually affects your brain... I wonder if one on one counseling would be helpful to him, to go to the source of his problem. The way he copes with problems, anger, anxiety, disappointments, his self esteem. He will definitely not open up in a group...that route was already tried. | ||
Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: October 10, 2014, 12:48 AM
Jeanie, Have you sought help for yourself or your family with Alanon or family counseling? I completely understand you wanting to fix your son. I tried to fix my daughter. In your last post it sounds like you are trying to find something that will convince you your son is different and maybe he has brain damage from using heroin? Your son is an addict. He will not get clean until he is ready and willing to do the work to get clean. Softening the blows from their actions is only enabling them to continue to use and manipulate everyone around them to get what they want.
For me it came to taking the focus of what my daughter was doing and putting the focus on me and the family I neglected for years. Something had to change and the only thing I could change was me. Sure my daughter spent many nights on others couches but that was her choice. She failed to abide by the rules I set and she knew the consequences. Alanon taught me how to detach with love and allow my daughter to GROW UP. Once I started taking the suggestions and stop making excuses for my daughter, things started happening. My daughter started growing up. Get help for YOU. Let your son get help for himself. Let him look for recovery houses, find meetings to attend-rehabs to go. Let him grow up and be an adult with adult consequences. Good luck. | ||
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Posted: October 10, 2014, 7:07 AM
Jeannie, we've all known people who had one-on-one counseling and just gone through the motions. We've seen people go to rehab after rehab, and just done it to get family members off their backs. There have been countless people who have served jail time or lost their children to social services and still not surrendered. The fact is, you've got to want sobriety and work hard to maintain it. No one gets better unless they see that.
Someone put it into perspective for me.....Paul Newman the actor, who had millions of dollars to spend on the best treatments for his addicted son, sadly lost the battle when his son OD'd and passed away. His son was not ready to quit, in spite of all his father's help. It's not about the quality or type of treatment, it's about having the willingness to change. Anything we put into our bodies can change our brain. But this is not an excuse to continue. Pity only goes so far. Addiction thrives on pity and excuses. Your son knows you want him to get clean. Your son knows that you will assist him in getting treatment options. But, he has not made the decision yet. He needs to understand that you and your husband will do anything to support him in gaining sobriety, but will not do things to maintain his lifestyle while on drugs. That is a deal-breaker. Keep posting. When I was struggling with my daughter's addiction, the more I talked to others struggling with their addicted children, the more clarity I got. You are not alone. Sadly, many other parents struggle in the same ways. | ||
Posts: 62
Joined: October 11, 2014
Posted: October 13, 2014, 9:44 PM
I turned my son in a week ago. He calls 10x per day-I don't answer the phone. He is not even close to surrender. I was a huge enabler. I have over compensated for him his whole life- I wrote him a letter to tell him how things are changing. I just hope he sees I am changing and that I care enough to let him go!
I have got so much help here!! Keep learning and talk to others -You will be shocked how many others who are right beside you! I am one!! | ||
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