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Posted: August 13, 2014, 10:15 PM
Please help me! Please! I am a 31 year old wife and mother of two. My husband of 10 years (15 years together) has recently started smoking pot again after a 10 year hiatus. He had a job with a very reputable company as a sales manager and could never smoke for fear of losing his job. Two years ago we started our own business and because he is his own boss there is no more worry about being "caught" smoking. He started off using occasionally, on an occasional weekend, then it went to during the week, then a few times a week. I started getting VERY upset when he would smoke before family get-togethers. I come from a conservative family and bringing my "high" husband would be completely unacceptable. Please keep in mind we have two young children. The day that my 3 year old said, "Daddy, why do you smell like smoke?" And my 12 year old overheard and started to question as well, I got pretty upset. I used to smoke occasionally, when I was 17, then I grew up, took on my responsibilities as an adult and moved on with my life. My husband never wanted to quit but because of his job was forced to. Since he has started smoking again our relationship has been one fight after another. He is ANGRY, he is MEAN and EVERYTHING is MY fault, here's the kicker... It is ALWAYS the day after he smokes. The WORST fights we've EVER been in are the day AFTER he's smoked. He says he's stressed, he's in pain, he just wants to relax, but the next day he's AWFUL! Please tell me someone else knows what I'm talking about, please tell me that SOMEONE has been this way. He has threatened to leave me, he threatens divorce, he is SO paranoid, he tells me it's all in MY head! I don't know what to do! I haven't told ANYONE. I have no one I can talk to about this, my parents, friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers would NEVER understand. No one I know has to deal with this and no one knows that I AM dealing with this. My children wonder why I cry all the time. It's an awful situation, I just want him to stop, he has promised that he would several times and then I catch him doing it. Every time it's the SAME fight and everything gets turned around on me and nothing ever gets better. I'm ready to leave and I know it will devastate my children, but I am lost. Please help me!
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Posts: 2
Joined: September 15, 2014
Posted: September 15, 2014, 7:33 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you've found the strength to move on. I'm 31 and pregnant. My boyfriend has spiraled out of control with weed. I'm afraid of having this child as it will keep me bonded to a man that is bonded to a drug instead of me.
He can't really pay rent, or bills, or anything, because it's all gone to weed. I just got laid off from work so I'm very nervous about what the future will hold. Just so you know, I've been through exactly what you mention. He just came over to my house after a weekend of partying with his friends and was yelling, crying and screaming for hours..... and I"M the pregnant one!! He was coming down off of coke in addition to weed, but refuses to admit any problem or addiction. I get so embarassed when he's high and I want to be in public. I can't ever depend on him to be a sober driver. I can't depend on him in anyway, and then he gets furious at me when I can't trust him and don't believe his lies. I CAN expect him to tell me it's all my fault.... if ONLY I was more supportive he's already be sober and rubbing my feet. If ONLY I would have text him back on Saturday night while I was in the middle of dinner with my sick mother, he wouldn't have done a bunch of blow and smoked several joints and blew his paycheck in a night. if ONLY I never ever ever got frustrated when he didn't do a single chore or contribute a dollar to rent or bills for 7 months.... he would have gladly paid. ^^^ These sound a little crazy, don't they? So maybe your guy isn't that bad. Maybe he's sort of nice, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a serious addiction. Band with me, sister. Hope we both have the strength to do what's best for ourselves and children. | ||
Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: September 17, 2014, 4:25 PM
Hi to you both
It is not a great situation that either of you are in. I really wish there was true advise that I can give you that would help. Lucienne maybe you should pack your bags for a few days and get away. Not you nor your kids deserve that. If he really loves what he has with you, he will let the weed go. Thiswildlife you are not bonded with your bf by your baby. Only blood related. Look at your other options. Your bf must come to realise that your child is more important than weed. Good luck to you both and my prayers are with you both x | ||
Posts: 3
Joined: September 19, 2014
Posted: September 19, 2014, 7:27 AM
Hey OP, how are things going? I read your post with tears in my eyes (and I am not a cryer!) because I know exactly how you feel. If you figure out a way out let me know!
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Posted: September 19, 2014, 7:36 AM
Hi ladies,
A while back I was the wife of an addict, and before I knew that and really understood what that meant I thought I was going crazy, or that he was going crazy and everything was bazaar, but I could nt really put any of it into words. I don't know that I will ever be able to express how this post completely changed my life, 8 easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator but it did, so I urge you to please read it. The other thing I learned too, is that the whole concept of our husbands, the fathers of our children doing drugs is so absolutely horrifying, embarrassing, hurtful, inconceivable, frighting and a host of other things, that we focus completely and are overwhelmingly consumed by their drug use. And understandable as it is, I wish I had known to really concentrate on the why early on. Why was my thirty-something year old husband, proud father, successful lawyer going out to get drugs and get high? The "oh I´m tired and stressed and under a lot of pressure, I cant sleep" etc. are simply explaining away something that is quite hard to find an explanation to. Think about it. Are nt all of us stressed and tired and overwhelmed? and we don't choose to take the edge off with drugs. We talk to friends, we have a drink, we curse, we go for a run, we eat...we don't get high. So why do they? Be adamant. Don´t let his explaining away make it normal. It is not. In case you have nt yet realized, which is understandable, his using drugs has nothing to do with you. He did nt start using because of you or your family or your children, he won´t stop for you and that won´t mean he does nt love you or does nt care. It means he is an addict, he has an illness and must be treated for it by a professional. You won't be able to love him into stopping, or beg him, or threaten him, or scream and kick him into it. You wont be able to understand it or control or cure it. It has nothing to do with you, no matter what he tells you or makes you feel. So your best bet is to get him into the hands of a professional as soon as possible. Eve if it seems drastic, even if he tells you that you are over reacting, his family tells you you are over reacting - his best shot at normal will be for someone to figure out why he is using drugs - it could be a chemical imbalance that he is self medicating when he could be getting proper care that does n't make him scary to live with. It could be a depression - something he will be prone to for the rest of his life...can you imagine if this is how he will sort himself out every time? So ladies, really. Get your husbands to therapists, doctors, rehabs, whatever but make sure they get the best care they can. Your husbands are n´t lazy, or careless or stupid so figure out what is really going on. Take Care! | ||
Posts: 2
Joined: April 4, 2015
Posted: April 4, 2015, 1:24 AM
Hi There,
I TOTALLY GET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM! I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years and he is a weed addict to. What makes it worse is that we're both in recovery and have the same religious beliefs and love each other SO much. We have been through HELL together and have never given up on each other. He used to smoke every once in a while to control a traumatic brain injury he had when he was 7 years old. He says he smokes to help himself calm down and sit still, but like you said in your post, the day after he smokes, we end up having a HUGE FIGHT! Yelling, screaming, and evening hitting each other. I have threatened to leave on more than one occassion, but he promised to "shape up" and so I forgave him and tried to forget about the fight, but two or three days later, it was the same crap, him smoking, us fighting and raging, and then the "sorrys" and "I love yous" come. It's a sickening cycle of love/hate between him and I. I am reaching out to others, keep in contact with my AA Sponsor and pray to God every day about it, but I feel helpless, alone, and misunderstood, until I read your post. You are NOT alone and neither am I, we just thought we were. Thanks SO much for having the courage to "put it out there." I admire your strength and courage. Get in touch with me if you would like to talk further. I'm not sure what the posting guidelines are, but I'm sure you can send me a message or something. Keep on Keepin' on, oh, and don't listen to those who would advise you, especially if they haven't been there themselves. Just remember why you married your husband in the first place. Maybe you can heal yourself and help your husband, but only if he's willing to heal and give up his addiction for his family, if not-pray hard about what to do next. Wishing you joy, peace, happiness, and serenity. | ||
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Posted: April 4, 2015, 8:58 PM
Hello Ladies,
I'm on the opposite side of this unsolvable equation. Sober new Dad that can't really do much because Child Protective Services is involved. Hardly see my daughter because my Gf once made up story that I got a little physical with her so she could obtain pain meds in ER. 10 parenting classes, Aoda assessment and mandatory participation. 23 domestic violence classes. All cour ordered. I voluntarily do anger management and attend Nar-anon meetings. Oh yeah, she was charged with mal-treatment. I didn't do anything. Except reported her to CPS to protect our daughter. I'm the bad guy ? My daughter is safe and thriving. Eventually I will have custody. Baby Mom wasn't going to change. So I did what I thought best. Better this way then to worry about what was happening with the addict mother of my daughter while I was working. She's working on recovery now. Maybe someday we will be a family or be co-parents. Throwing her out wasn't too bad. Doesn't mean I don't love her. Was about doing the right thing. Personally being mentally abused by an addict is more than heartbreaking. I'm taking care of me. I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to be a great Dad. Even though I'm going on 7 weeks in a wheelchair. Literally will learn how to walk again. In more than 1 way I guess. Nothing changes unless something changes. You can only change yourself. Boy did I make some mistakes. Somethings in life are so difficult, but HAVE to be addressed. Things are moving forward. Good Luck and be strong for your children. They definitely don't need this in their lives to potentially create undesirable things in their future. | ||
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Posted: April 7, 2015, 2:30 AM
As I read thru these posts I am heartbroken. I am you but 15 to 20 years down the road. I have been married for 26 years. My husband smoked pot when we were dating. I didn't think that much about it because back then we were young alot of my friends smoked. I never did though. Well year after year and as he smoked more and more. I ptayed and prayed that he would realize all the positives in his life Ihis wife and kids) and stop. He lies in order to get money to pay for it. We have two adult children now and they are both aware that their father smokes. It is so embarrassing and humilating. II have tried and tried to make him understand but he screams and yells and almost convinces me that i need to lighten up or that i am crazy. For 26 years I have felt that he cares more about pot then me. I wonder why i am not good enough, why are kids are not enough. He has now lost his job and of course can't get a new one because he can't pass a screening. His unemployment has run out so he is contributing nothing toward our finances however he is still asking me for money for gas for an interview etc but hmm some how he has found money to keep smoking. I know there is something very wrong with me that i have stayed in dysfunctional relationship for so long. I thought i was doing what was best for my kids because i though by staying i wouldnt have to give them to him every other day. But now I realize what I thought was best was totally not. My oldest is a mess and i can tell the way he looks at me that he blames me. My kids have not had an opportunity to see a normal happy marriage. In fact they probably have no idea of how things SHOULD be. I fear that they will never be able to maintain healthy relationships and as i looked back I realize I have wasted over have my life on someone who just doesn't care enough about themselves or a family that loves him to change. I pray to God to give me the strength to live and not feel responsible for how he will survive. If i don't leave soon I will not survive. My advice to both of you is take your kids and get out while they are young. Give yourself and your children a chance to be healthy. Don't stay and end up like me!
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