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My Boyfriend Was A Heavy User. How Can I Help?
Lara






Posted: June 4, 2014, 7:23 AM
Well i am the furthest person to know about drugs, yet i fell in love with a man who is a heavy user. It might sound Hollywoody but he decided to stop when we met. he never lied, he told me what he was, what he used to do. I had no idea how tough it would be until i saw some symptoms of the detox he was going through, i begged him to seek professional help but rehab for him was out of question. long story short, it's been 6 months, he's completely off, he knows a doctor that was following his progress and the doctor was amazed with it and with how strong he is and kept encouraging him and monitoring his physical changes and pains and etc. well 6 months, and most of the physical symptoms are gone, yet i worry about him regaining a normal healthy lifestyle. the thing is, it started with me being with him, but although no one hates attention, iv read a lot about the subject, and i just dont want me to end up everything he has in life, which unfortunately this is what it has come to be. i dont know how to encourage him to focus on himself not just on me, i mean i love him a lot and that's why i am worried that if ever something happened between us he might relapse and it probably would be worse. physically he's been healthier than ever and im not really worried, but if im not around, there's nothing for him to do. i try to tell him to go the gym or find new people (i'm trying to encourage him to do things on his own, so his life would be normal undependable on my existence) but all he says is that i just prefer seeing u and hanging out with u. how can i guide his interest away from me and towards himself? it's not like i want to lose him or his interest for me, but my conclusion of what i read about his addiction is that it is essential for him to focus on himself to become even healthier.
PS: it's out of the question for him to attend any centers or groups..so not sure what im supposed to do..any help on the subject would be appreciated!


Posts: 408
Joined: August 8, 2005


Posted: June 5, 2014, 6:36 AM
The thing that is troubling is when you say ...."it is out of the question for him to attend any rehab or groups". Getting sober is not just abstinence from drugs, it is changing the way the addict functions in life without them.

Have you ever heard the expression "he's a dry drunk"? This means a person is "white knuckling" it and not using, but still not addressing the basic issues in his life that drove him to seek drugs or alcohol. Will-power only takes you so far.

Recovery is so much more than simply not using. Addicts need to learn coping skills, relapse prevention skills, and understand how the brain is affected and healed once abstinence is achieved. This is not done on your own. This is not done by simply reading books. This is done by face-to-face interaction either with a group or individual counseling. Using drugs has a physical impact, but definitely a psychological one too.

There is also the element of shame and secrecy attached to addiction. Many addicts are in denial that they have a serious problem. They kid themselves that they can control their using. "I can quit on my own" really means "I don't accept that addiction is beyond my control, therefore I am not really an addict." This is false thinking.

You are correct to be worried that he is leaning too heavily on you at this point. You are not his therapist. By only confiding in you, he is showing that he is not ready to confront the issues in his life that drove him to drugs. It takes great courage to admit you have a problem, and by dodging the hard work with a trained professional, it shows he is avoiding the reality of his own addiction.

It also places you in the unwise role of being his "savior". You need balance in your own life. You cannot allow him to take over all your time with his problems. You are putting yourself in the situation where you are becoming "responsible" for his sobriety, or relapse, rather than himself. What happens if you break up with him.....is he going to go spiraling back to drugs?
An addict needs to seek sobriety for himself, not relying on anyone else.

You can help by discussing these things with him. Urge him to seek counseling of some sort to work on the psychological issues he has. You should not have to feel responsible for his progress. He must do this for himself.



Posts: 1
Joined: June 6, 2014


Posted: June 6, 2014, 3:18 AM
Thank you Roberta for your reply. (I forgot my username/password so i had to make another Lara2..so it's still me)
Anyway, the thing is..we are not US residents. We are in a place were groups are non existent. Rehab we have 1 or maybe 2, and where addicts are treated as criminals and outlaws. It is out of the question for him because as we talked about it, he explained how they try to know everything about him/his sources and..well it's complicated! it truly is out of the question.
The other thing is that he says he's an addict and i want to recover, and be better. He couldn't tell his family or they would be heart broken, but he did acknowledge the debt he's put himself into and told them that i have this much debt and i am going to work hard to get things back on track. and he is. We have read together what he's supposed to do and all about the 12 steps, he is trying to focus on getting everything straight in his life with the help of the doctor he saw confidentially (luckily he's a good friend of his so it stayed confidential..a bit of a mess where we live this issue) but what worries me is that he's not concentrated enough on himself. it needs time. he's completely off, it's been 6 months and 1 day(for someone who used to take 3 grams that's really good no?) and the thing is he had no issues to take it. Just bad influence, he was young, met an addict who made him his close friend hung out a lot, introduced him to women, clubbing etc. and crack convincing him how powerful he'd feel, how it'd help him forget everything bad in life. His so called friend died 3 years later, he was left alone. I just don't know if he's gonna keep it up. I have no one to talk to.. i was hoping to go talk to his doctor alone to tell him about everything i am thinking and i am still working on that. it's just that i really don't have much experience with what i am supposed to do. I don't want to be his savior. he keeps saying if he hadn't met me he would have died(the doctor confirmed that the amount he was taking daily was very dangerous and it was shocking that he made it) I told him it wasn't me, he decided to stop before even telling me. it was his decision, he just needed a reason. I am sorry i feel like i am blabbing. I just hope I could have more opinions. Or anyone to talk to or someone to give me more information. But thanks anyways.
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