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Posted: April 12, 2014, 5:42 PM
Hi everyone,
My fiance has recently started doing meth and I am wondering if I should stay with him. As usual, it's not a simple black and white situation. I've been engaged to this man for 3 years. I can tell he has some "lovable quirks" probably caused by his past meth addiction (forgetfulness, lack of organization, etc.) When we first got together, he told me he did meth pretty heavily from about 20-25yrs old, but quit at 25 and moved to another state, got a good job, basically put his life back together. When I met him, he'd been sober 6 years and meth was a thing of the past. Like I said, we've been engaged 3 years and he's been clean. Last November he had to travel for 2 months on an out-of-town construction project. We saw each other maybe once every 2 weeks. Weird stuff started to happen. He ran far behind on his project and missed Thanksgiving and then missed Christmas, didn't buy presents for anyone, etc. I was upset but I just wanted him to finish his job and come home. Finally when he got home he was acting crazy, saying people were following him, sometimes he'd say a sentence but it would come out pure gibberish, like the words were all mixed around. Finally he admitted he had started doing meth again in November because some guys on the job had it, then he used regularly through December 31st until he finally came home. He was very apologetic and swore he'd never do it again, that it was just a brief relapse and he had been sober 6 years and would kick the habit again easily. He got a sober buddy to accompany him at work and made a huge effort. He would come home every night and sleep sober. I could tell he wasn't on the drug because of his sleep habits and weight gain. I thought we could move on with our lives. Then this last weekend he went on a 3-day job and came home high on meth. He tried to lie about it but I could tell the moment he fell asleep because he was talking in his sleep and laughing. I am very conflicted. We've set our wedding date and we are financially entangled, so breaking things off at this point isn't easy (plus I love him!). I want to believe that he can kick this drug again and stay off it in the long-haul but his relapse has shaken my confidence. The lying and sneaking around has done the worst damage. Again, he felt really bad about using this past weekend and after "recovering" from his crash, he made a point of taking me out, making breakfast, taking care of household chores, just being really sweet. We talked a lot. I told him it might be better to put the wedding on hold until he has this under control. But a large part of me feels like I should break it off now before it gets any worse. He has made a very genuine, heartfelt attempt since January 2014 to put the drug behind him and go back to his sober life. I mean, 6 years of sobriety is a hard thing to lose. I'm just scared that meth has its claws in him again and he will continue to fall into it. Everyone tells me to kick him out for a while so he gets the point that he will "lose me" if he continues, but honestly, if I kick him out it means I'm finished with him for good. I'll just get used to life on my own and talk myself out of working through this. I'm very independent to begin with. I don't want to throw away everything we have over what might just be a bump in the road. Part of me says--what if he never uses again and everything goes back to normal? But my logical self says--meth is a demon, this guy has had problems with it before, what if he just keeps using and lies about it and gets better at hiding it? I don't know all the in's and out's of meth but I know it's really hard to quit and you can get cravings for a long time. I don't want to end up one of those married women with a meth-addict on their hands. I don't want to enable him. I also don't want to cut him loose if he can recover. So my question is this: 1) To people who have recovered from meth--does it sound like he can kick this thing? Does it sound like he stands a good chance of recovering a second time and moving past the drug? Or is that an ideal fantasy and he will continue to relapse down the road? 2) To people who've been in my situation...should I leave him now, or give him the chance to make this right? If he wasn't so apologetic and sincere about kicking the drug, I would have kicked him out already. But he IS trying. I just don't know if he'll succeed in the long run. | ||
Posts: 5
Joined: May 14, 2014
Posted: May 14, 2014, 8:43 PM
I am dealing with the same thing I wish I knew the answer that way we could all live happily...have faith if u know he is a good man then give him a chance....good luck
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Posted: June 18, 2014, 6:30 PM
hope this helps in anyway it can
1) i believe beating meth addiction is possible for everyone i myself am in a simliar postion but im the user and im sure my partner knows how it feels to to be in this situation. She is at here witts end with trying to help me stop. At the moment we have an understanding that only we can help ourselves you have to show support of course but distance yourself a lil bit honesty will be the only comfort you have that he is not deciving you to get his high. I tell my partner when im going to do it or b4 after a lot of hurt and arguments the understanding is "you know your messing up" you have to do it on your own and if you have been honest all the way about your progress and failers then you can make decisions however hard they may be knowing nothing was left unsaid and unclear. for me i don't get used to the shame in letting her down and don't see how im letting myself down until after. its a crappy cycle to be in but if he believes his positive attitude to quiting is helping and not just words excuses etc you will witness him turn into something better than just a recovering drug addict. :) 2)really whether you leave him and cut your looses on a long term relationship is something only you can measure and decide you know straight up what the answer is to that question strangers will tell you to leave your close friends will tell you to leave its hurting you to and no one wants to see an innocent getting hurt by a selfish and demanding drug habbit im sorry you are one of these people don't let your own sanity and health suffer pass your braking point you wont have your faith you put in suffers returned hope this wasn't to negative and helps :) | ||
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Posted: June 19, 2014, 4:05 PM
I want so much to tell you to stay with him and have faith that he will stop, but nothing could be further from the truth. You are not dealing with the same person now, you are dealing with a drug and you cannot compete with that. You must not allow yourself to suffer along with him. This is their pivotal moment in their lives. If they choose drugs over you, or worse yet, their own happiness, see that as a sign. This will be an issue until they make the decision to change. You will not find happiness with these men until they choose happiness themselves. You cannot do that for them. You must think about yourself and what you want your life to be like. Let me ask you this: "If you just met him, the way he is now, a meth addict, would you have chosen him still." Listen to what your instincts are telling you dear ones. Let them know it is not acceptable to you, and that they have to leave. Also let them know you will support them still IF they chose to get clean and take steps every day towards healing. But get out of that dark place, don't let them take you down with them. Find happiness and joy in your lives. Pray for them. Wish them the best. That is all you can do if they are not willing to make the effort. Believe me, I know. This is an experience I would have rather not gone through. I lived and loved a man for 22 years and found out he had been doing meth for the past year and a half. He is an addict. He cannot quit on his own and will not take steps to get help, so here I am 62 years old, 22 years gone. This is a man I no longer recognize as my husband. I will not live with a drug addict and I will not allow him in my space if he cannot make a better choice. My life has changed considerably. I am on my own now and it is not easy, but I am happier, I can promise you that. No more lies, no more fear. I still love him and miss him, but that man is gone.
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Posted: November 17, 2014, 1:59 AM
How does this happen to good people? I was with a man 27 years, he has had addictions his whole life nothing like meth we are not together, I'm in the process of losing my home he was supposed to move out 4 months ago I left for 2 days for him to pack up and leave yeah come back 2 days later, the locks r changed house full of druggies. I turned around and left, begged him to leave my home he will not ( both names on deed) tried to get help from police ( that was very insulting) got nowhere with police, went to DA, got nowhere, women in crisis, lawyers ( can't afford) it's been 4 months I'm still not in my home, he and the meth w**** are still smoking up my home, he texts my daughter (also his daughter 25 years old) tell ur mom to call me, I do (stupid me) tries bull crapping me, he says he's clean , he doesn't bother with his so called just a friend (meth w****) for a while now, I call him on his bull crap sneak to my home one nite, home looks, smells, like a crack house out of a bad movie. Sitting on couch acting like he's so tired! Yeah I pretend to leave, sneak back look in window, you guessed it meth pipe to his mouth, well I have to let him no I see you, go back in house start yelling, ask him do you want to go get help right now? Excuses I have work tomorrow! Oh and cell phone starts ringing (2 am) I said answer it! He said no wouldn't even take out of his pocket (the meth w****). So basically he will let the bank take my home before he lets me have it! He gave everything up for meth and the methwhore! He's not paying the mortgage, I refuse to with him there and all the junkies, he's letting these people shoot up, smoke up my home! I have went everywhere, tried everything to get him out of my home! Got me nowhere! I feel hopeless and helpless. He tries to manupilate me wants to work things out meaning wants me to come home to pay the bills but he's not giving up the meth or the meth w****, will not let myself be treated like this from someone who is such a piece of garbage! Anyone who will let the mother of his child lose her home, be disrespected and degraded by these low life's is no better! I'm very depressed, upset, hurt and I really miss my home! But I praying that god has a better plan for me! I'm going to therapy! Trying to move forward but it's hard I don't know how to do that he was my life! I miss him! (Not the new him) has anyone gone through this? Does anyone have any input to help me?
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Posted: November 17, 2014, 3:12 AM
There is always a possibilty but at the same time the constant apologies and the "i can kick it" stuff comes along with the addiction. Money comes and goes so if you had to break it don't let that stop you. Addicts are manipulative, liars, and they know very well how to work their loved ones unfortunately. Just be very careful that things don't escalate to the violent part of the addiction. Stay safe and hoping for the best!
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: November 17, 2014, 9:41 AM
Nar-Anon can help you (Al-Anon too).
Look them up in your phone book or Google "Nar-Anon". All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: November 17, 2014, 12:10 PM
call the cops- tell them he is using your house as a drug house- better still get a neighbour to call- he has no right to treat you like that- do what you have to do to protect yourself and your daughter- you owe him nothing- good luck -
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Posts: 55
Joined: October 15, 2014
Posted: November 22, 2014, 4:49 PM
I totally agree with Katy.
You can always get into this relationship but it is like playing Russian Roulette. I would not take chances. Your life is too precious. Good luck | ||
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Posted: February 23, 2015, 9:15 PM
It's been a few months since I posted, sorry it took a while thanks for the input, since my last post I'm assuming the ex and the methw****, are probably in love by now still not in my home they have taken it over, I had gone no contact, telling the police about the meth use going on in my house was a joke, as the cop told him I'm reporting the drug use, yeah is he a police officer or a druggie himself! I feel like crap still sitting here at my mothers house constantly thinking he's treating some skank junkie better than our daughter and myself. Allowing these disgusting people in my home, with my stuff. Acting as though they belong there! I can't help myself from crying day after day, praying to god day after day to help me through this! He was my life, I thought he'd have just a little respect for me, nope I guess it makes him look better for the methw****, if he just treats me like garbage! I feel like I just want to die, I'd rather be dead than keep feeling he really never gave a crap to even spare my feelings. I want bad things to happen to him, and when they don't happen I keep thinking they are happening to me. Or why would god let me go through this? What have I done so bad to deserve this? He just goes on with his new life like I was nothing to him, he doesn't even bother with our daughter, last time he did was to text her "happy birthday" that's it 2am. It almost seems forced. Why do drug addicts do this? Treat the new methw***** and their children with more respect than the people who were in their life for a whole lot longer? It's so disheartening, we actually mean nothing to him! I almost can't wait for the bank to take my home! He doesn't deserve it I paid for everything, I did all the work to it, and he has these scum in there. Six months later still not one mortgage payment made! He is disgusting. Can anyone tell me if he's the one who has done wrong, breaks the law, treats us with no respect and seems to get rewarded?
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