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Posted: April 7, 2014, 10:48 AM
My husband is an addict, or more appropriately, he has an "addictive personality." I'm no stranger to addiction (struggled quite a bit in my teens and early 20's and both my parents struggled with addiction)-so I'm very familiar with the process of recovery and all the ebbs and flows. One aspect of recovery has always been hard for me to understand, and now I find myself in a position where I HAVE to accept it against my very core moral judgement, and I am so torn and I feel very misunderstood. The "aspect" I'm referring to is the notion that it's absolutely necessary to be 100% forthcoming and honest about your drug use with your kids. I can see how some situations would call for otw and it would be conducive to the healing process for the whole family-and even the child/children. In my particular situation I don't think it's the right thing to do, and I am being asked to be a part of it. My husband's alcohol and drug use problem is tricky (like many others' I'm sure) because it's not a problem with any one thing. Otw can be drinking for a few months with little or no obvious changes in behavior, then sobriety for a year. Then there was opiates/pills for a quite a while-and that was much harder to over come and he had to complete a suboxone program. That took almost two years, but still he never seems affected by his drug use (looking from the outside.) After that, he had 3 good years. Now more recently, he started using methamphatamines. (I think the fact that he was able to maintain his life and keep things hidden so remarkably well with his vices in the past gave him false confidence that he'd have a similar experience with meth; it didn't work out for him.) I thank the stars that the meth use did change things enough to be noticeable. Within 6 weeks of using meth he was a different person :( It was noticeable to the kids and myself of course, and he didn't seek help even after being confronted, until he got in trouble with the law. He hasnt used now for months, and I feel like this experience was different for him not only because he got in trouble, but also because he saw himself becoming a person he genuinely doesn't want to be. Now in his recovery group, he's being encouraged to tell his recovery10 year old, 4th grade daughter, the details .pf his drug use. His ex wife and extended family agree and all the professionals agree that it is the right thing to be honest with your children about your drug use. I do agree with that to an extent, but I find it outrageously inappropriate to talk to a 10year old that candidly unless it's absolutely necessary. 'The drug talk' is fine, I think, for age 10, and even younger. And to tell a person10 year old that you made a mistake, bad choices were made, you got in trouble and your doing what's necessary to correct the problem and take responsibility and move forward. To apologized for the extra stress and ask if there's any questions, etc etc, is fine. But to explicitly state that you did meth for a course months and it was a relapse from a hard journey through recovery from other drugs and alcohol- I just don't see why it's necessary! If her life had been disrupted and her routines had changed or the level of her care changed in anyway, I understand how a candid explanation of that, and a reassurance of her innocence would be unnecessary. When she is 14 or 13 or even 12, with this little girl in particular, I don't see any problem with elaborating on what was happening, and I even see how it could a valuable lesson about the pain and suffering of drug use and recovery and relapse. But in 4th grade, in this situation, I feel like it's unecessarily damaging and inappropriate! I seem to be the only one who feels this way, and I'm trying to reach out and talk to people and inform myself about it so I can come to terms with this inevitability. But my education and background completely revolves around child development, and in my heart of hearts, deep in my gut, I feel intuitively that it's wrong and unfair to her, at this age! I feel like, once we become parents, life isn't about us anymore. Kids don't need to be dragged into to adult drama and their problems unless there's something that drama is causing in the life of the kid that would necessitate an explanation! (Displacement from the home, a sudden and severe change in routine, or a drastic change in emotional availability, or incarceration that affects the kids routine or something. It doesn't seem fair or appropriate to me that she will have to carry that burden and stress when she could do just fine without it. Its not about us as parents anymore except to the extent that we have to do what's necessary to continue the parenting we can do. Kids don't need our drama at age 10. They should be able to put that energy and focus on learning long division and state history! Not worrying or even thinking about the possibility that things aren't okay and that their parents might be "bad people" .pr do "bad things" and that maybe they aren't safe and secure. I understand that each situation is unique. And that all kids are different. I just don't feel AT ALL that in this situation, we are making the right choice or that the details heaviness of what everyone seems to thing is a good idea to burden my step daughter with, is algae appropriate! This is my "step daughter" but I've been in her life since she was a toddler and I can genuinely say that I feel just as protective of her and love her just as much as my own two biological children. The love may feel slightly different, but the abundance is there. Morning I've read supports me in how I feel. Every other person involved feels I am wrong, including the recovery counselors, church leaders, etc. I'm just afraid that all these people are here to help the recover process, and that they are thinking in terms of what's best for my husband's healing, and NOT what's best for my step daughters personal growth and development. This choice isn't up to me. This is one rare occasion where I'm insisting on a different rout for my own two children-whom I will NOT burden with my own adult turmoil.(which also causes some hard feelings and done issues to be worked through) I am having a harder time with this than any other aspect. If I am just plain wrong, that's okay. But I could use any input, advice, or insight that anyone who was willing to read this lengthy post would offer! I apologize for the length and I know we all have important and hard things to deal with. I am new to this forum and to forums in general so please forgive any taboos I may have committed, and once I get more familiar with how this all works, Im happy to reciprocate on any help I can get. I am absolutely torn apart by this:( thanks for reading to anyone who got this far
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Posts: 26
Joined: August 13, 2011
Posted: April 7, 2014, 4:47 PM
I feel like I'm missing something.
It's hard to imagine (NOT saying it's not true) all those people, program, counselors, church, family saying it's OK never mind necessary to reveal the nitty gritty of a parent's drug use to a 10 year old. Absolutely the Daddy made bad choices, and wants to apologize for the way those choices hurt you speech. For SOME 10 year olds go on to say because he was using drugs he made bad choices, and answer questions simply but honestly, like Why? Because it made me feel good, and I wasn't paying attention to drugs being bad for me and our family and against the law. That's why I have to have consequences now. Or if she asks what drugs, just give their names. Some kids will have more questions like Is that why the police came, or whatever. And most ten year olds know that something weird is going on even if not in their house, and it might be reassuring to know WHY things were weird, not just get an apology. But chapter and verse of how much, when, and what kind? That's just ridiculous. I don't know what else to say. | ||
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