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Here We Go Again.........
Posted: January 30, 2014, 11:47 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: November 29, 2013



Hi All-

I posted a couple of months ago under the tread "Looking for Insight." Unfortunately, I have a new and not so good update.

My Husband of 16 years has a cocaine addiction. I first became aware of this prior to our marriage and broke up with him. He went to tx, meetings etc and after a year or so I believed that he was clean and that the problem was behind us ( I was only 20/21 yo at the time and in hindsight, naïve.) Fast forward to summer of 2012, things in our marriage had deteriorated significantly and I asked him for a separation. After I refused to back down on my request he "admittied" to me that he was still a cocaine addict. I know it's hard to understand but I was shocked. I truly did not know he had been using, didn't see the signs, thought that his irritability, mean streak etc was the possible result of borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Hurt Dad asked in my previous post how I didn't notice money missing? Good question! While I do manage both our personal and business finances, he owns his own business and has ample opportunity to do things for cash on the side that I would never know about. I assume this is how he has financed his habit with out my noticing money missing. Anyway, immediately after his admission of being an addict (literally within hours) he retracted his statement saying that he wasn't really an addict, just somebody who "abused drugs." He stated that he did not need tx, meetings etc but did see a therapist briefly that I had been seeing who told both him and I that she "didn't really think he had a cocaine problem since he still went to work everyday etc." I quickly stopped seeing her after that as I was really devastated that she didn't take this problem seriously. The two of them kind of ganged up on me and criticized me for not continuing with counseling or taking steps to improve our marriage.

Since his admission of being an "addict" then retracting that statement about 18 months ago, I have again stupidly believed that he was clean, well, maybe on the surface but something in my gut has not allowed me to trust him or make myself emotionally vulnerable to him. I have gone on about doing the things that I value ( pursuing my Masters Degree, volunteering at my kids school, taking care of my 3 beautiful children etc) All of these things have made him angry and he criticizes me for devoting my time to them. He say's that "everything else is more important to me, I only care about what I want and don't devote any time to him and improving our marriage." Hearing this so much has really beat me down.

So, now for the recent development, I decided to test my gut feeling after so many years of not hearing it and being told by H that I was wrong. Two weeks ago we went to a sports tournament for one of my kids, it included staying in a hotel and swimming. My H has a lot of chest hair and likes to shave if he is going to be shirtless in public. I took the hair sample and sent it in for drug testing with out him knowing about it. I got the results this week and they were off the charts "positive" for cocaine. The levels that were present in the sample were indicative of "constant" use. Anything above 10,000 pg/mg indicates constant use and his level was 10,300.

Yesterday, the confrontation happened. I was trying to decide how to approach this but ended up being backed into a corner by H who was up to his usual tactics of criticizing me for the way I treat him (distant) not devoting enough time and energy to repairing our marriage etc. I snapped and told him he is "a lying, manipulative, addict" and asked him point blank if he had been using again. Of course, his initial answer was "no" even when I went and gave him the drug test results and told him what I did he still denied it. However, he rather quickly realized that he couldn't get out of this one and admitted a little bit. First it was "the first time was only this month." Then it was " its only been a few times" then "its been 30-40 times" then it was "I stopped for a while but when I didn't see any improvement from YOU I went back to it." So, I really have no idea if he has ever really stopped or for how long. I suppose it doesn't matter. Then I told him I was filing for divorce. I can't take anymore, it's now been 20+ years on this rollercoaster and I want off. That's when the sobbing and begging started. "He needs his family by his side, he needs his wife to be there for him to support him and be his friend. He has used because he feels hurt and alone and that's what he turns to because it numbs his pain. He has completely alienated his family ( Mom and siblings) and says that we are the only thing he has ( me and the kids) Once we had kids (11 years ago) I stopped being a "wife" and he felt hurt by that. He uses because I have pulled away from the relationship and it's so painful to him" And so on , and so on, and so on. He is begging me not to file for divorce yet.

I told him that this is not my fault, he uses because he has a problem and its as simple as that. I told him that he needs to figure out what to do and how to heal himself. It isn't my job and I can't/won't take responsibility for his wellness. I am now waiting for him to tell me what his plan is.

Thanks for taking the time to read such a long post. I would appreciate any comments, support or insight.
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Posted: January 30, 2014, 8:09 PM


Posts: 2378
Joined: December 30, 2005



From the outside I am seeing manipulation. He didn't want you working on you and getting a masters because it makes you too independent. Trust isn't something you have to give. He has to earn trust. There are times even now I don't trust. It takes time and a lot of positive things on their part. A lie even non-drug related destroys a lot of the built up trust. Fair or not that is how it is when trust is totally destroyed.

--------------------
You can get busy living. Or get busy dying.

I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.
Jennifer Louden

There are no excuses, just people with excuses.


LINK: Posts about understanding and healing.


A fool learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. However, a brilliant man learns from what has been done right, and what others have done right, and avoids mistakes.
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Posted: January 31, 2014, 11:51 AM


Posts: 26
Joined: August 13, 2011



I may not have much of value to add here because my situation was with my daughter, not a spouse. But I know when she was still denying there was a problem, waiting for her to come up with a plan wouldn't have worked. No matter what she would have said to me, her plans were about how to keep things just as they were, where to score and how to come up with the money, and how to justify her using. Your husband's tears and begging sound like the same. My girl's priorities, like your husband's, were very different from mine, and her planning went to support her priorities. She also would say that if I cared about her, I would never want her to go through the pain of withdrawal, which is the same kind of manipulation as your hubs saying he stopped for a while, but you were still distant so he started again, etc.

When you think about whether to go ahead with the divorce, ask yourself if it's OK with you that things stay the way they are. If it isn't, look for behavior - not tears and promises - that suggests things will be different.

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Posted: January 31, 2014, 11:36 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



QUOTE
I told him that this is not my fault, he uses because he has a problem and its as simple as that. I told him that he needs to figure out what to do and how to heal himself. It isn't my job and I can't/won't take responsibility for his wellness. I am now waiting for him to tell me what his plan is.

You are correct: it is NOT your fault and he DOES have a problem...a problem and addiction that he is very busy defending and protecting. Don't wait for him to tell you what his plan is, get a plan for yourself and your children and take care of your life. He will use until the pain of using exceeds the pleasure derived from it.

You sound pretty mentally healthy and can see his actions for what they are...take care of you and your kids.

Peace ~ MomNMore

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: February 4, 2014, 12:49 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: November 29, 2013



After reading your posts, doing a lot of soul searching and talking with trusted friends and family, I decided what I needed to do for ME. Letting my H come up with his own plan, I decided, was not a viable option so, I came up with a plan of my own. My plan was this: I told H that if he was willing to move out of the house and get himself into a minimum of an Intensive Outpatient Program for 90 days I would be willing to refrain from filing for divorce during that 90 day period. At the end of the 90 days we would re-evaluate where we were both at and make a decision about our marriage at that point. The two non-negotiable points were that he needed to be out of the house and working a legitimate program. I am willing to be a part of the "family" portion of whatever tx program he would enter into.

I delivered my plan to H this morning and his answer was "NO" to both of the non-negotiable points. He repeatedly stated that "those programs are stupid and wrong and I don't need them, they are not made for people like me." " You are completely wrong. I have asked you for help and you won't help me unless I agree to your ultimatum." "I just need to find a counselor that can help me figure out why I turn to drugs when I feel lonely and hurt, I'm not an addict, I just abuse drugs when I have those feelings." "What you are asking me to do by moving out would push me more towards the feelings that cause me to use, being away from my family would make me feel more lonely and isolated, it's the wrong choice." I could go on and on with the quotes but they are all essentially the same message, just different words and tactics. He refused to let the conversation die, even after I repeatedly told him that the conversation was over, I extended my offer of what I was willing to do to help him and that was all I could do.

He finally left (for the day,) here I sit in the aftermath of the s**t storm. I know now that I have to file for divorce, I have given him the option of tx and some time apart and he is clearly refusing. Please pray for me, I need strength and courage. I have 3 young kids to think about and this isn't going to be easy on any of us. I'd appreciate your input, is there something I could have done differently or better? Am I abandoning him in his time of need? I feel like if I don't stick to my guns and save myself and my kids I will drown along with him.
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Posted: February 4, 2014, 9:50 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



No one can tell a married person when it is time to walk awa, but it sounds like you have made a decision for YOU and that's truly okay. You stated your boundaries and he is unwilling to meet you there, so sticking to your plan is all you can do. Make sure that whatever you are doing is for YOU and your kids, not to try to make him do something...that never works...they wll always call your bluff. He thinks he's got it all figured out nd not much you can say will change that, so it's good you ended the conversation instead of getting embroiled in one of those circular and fruitless conversations (I had hundreds of them with my daughter, maybe thousands).

Of course you have my prayers, I always keep the families here in my prayers and hope for the best possible outcome for all. This is not easy, but sometimes a bold move is necessary for ou own lives and peace of mind. You are doing the best you can with what you have and you are not abandoning him, merely leaving the decisions for his life in his hands.

Peace ~ MomNMore

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: May 17, 2014, 11:57 PM


Posts: 11
Joined: May 14, 2014



Hi Kaycee. I hope you still get to read this meassage. I just read your post 77and im quite new here. First, thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope through your story.. i hope you take time to give an update here so we can learn from you.

I admire your courage. Based on what i hear in your story you are slowly seeing the clairt of how you are affected by how your gusband treats
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Posted: May 18, 2014, 12:00 AM


Posts: 11
Joined: May 14, 2014



..how your husband treats you. Do you think his responses insinuating that YOU are setting him up to use drugs more frequently.. if and when u decide to leave him.. is fair? It seems to me that you are in no way gonna win in his game where he decides on the rules. If you truly love yourself.. your kids.. and your relationship.. you will allow him to grow and grown up.. on his own. Consequences are uncertain.. he may learn other coping techniques... but i believe that will test his will.. and prove his love for himself.. you and your family
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Posted: May 18, 2014, 12:04 AM


Posts: 11
Joined: May 14, 2014



You said youve been in this relationship for a very long time. What are positive possibilities outside this predicament. You may be worried about your kids not having a father to look up to.. but is he able to play a good role model to your kids... is it alryt for our mom to be mistreated by a partner who is supposed to be the number 1 person who shd take care of mom? I think in situations like this.. as long as you are able to communicat it well.. kids will mature and adapt easily. Be strong girl. I think youre doing the right thing for everyone. Especially YOU. Im just here.
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Posted: June 10, 2014, 9:55 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: June 26, 2013



My boyfriend had been abusing Fentanyl patches, opiates, and heroin starting in 2005. When we met I did not have a clue about drug addiction but caught on quick! He wanted to start Suboxone and I paid for it, unfortunately the Psych's out there that have that special license to prescribe it are taking advantage of addicts and their families for as much as $250 per monthly visit and prior to 2010 Suboxone pills were around $5 per pill in Ky was the cheapest and I checked EVERYwhere in Ky and Ohio. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on this stuff and it is supposed to make you sick from the naloxone in it if you do opiates or Herion, ya well that is a crock. He has figured out a way around that and that was early in the game. He is from a family of addicts that started by doing their mother's Oxycotin pain pills. We had to move to the other side of town because he keep using with his mother and brothers despite Suboxone. He has been on it sine 2007. His job's ins. pays for his script now but unfortunately his mother moved close to us and the "get pills from mom" cycle has started all over again. She is a very bad person. She has her other son Mailing pills to her from KY. She failed a drug test at her doctor's office and they cut her pain meds off, Thank God because she just abuses them, I know, I am a nurse. However I think my boyfriend purchases pain pills for her now off the street, of course, via her $$ plus she takes him too. I have drug tested him many times also to rule out heroin usage but it's those drug tests with the double lines that appear for neg and single line for positive. Well I know that despite the faint faint faint second line that pops up after a trip to mamas house is not an indictation of a neg. result but Google vendictated him saying that it is a neg. result. Of course an addict will do and say anything to cover up and not get caught but this is ridiculous. I know from Years of experience how he acts when he is high and test or no test I know he is guilty of using.
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Posted: June 12, 2014, 9:54 PM


Posts: 199
Joined: November 2, 2008



NER,

That's it! Tests are often useless or fruitless, and, why should we live that way?!

Addiction looks like addiction, plain and simple. When they stop using, it's clear
to see.

Methadone and Suboxone are often "used" by addicts to explain why they are
nodding out, slurring on the phone, or, to pass a piss test with their parole
officer. (doesn't work)

Sad, and a shame. Too many years wasted until, and, if they ever get to the
reason that they need to be numb.



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Posted: June 19, 2014, 9:27 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: June 19, 2014



Here we are again...i am first time here and just dont know where to start.My partner of five years lied to me again and dont want any help.He doesnt see any problem, he is 30 now and smoking weed since he was teenager.When we met i knew he smoked but he told me that was occasionally so i didnt see that as a problem.Then whe we had child i thought he stoped like he said ,thought we had good life and we were happy.Until i did find out that money was missing, bills not paid, he lied to me straight in my face,promise he change,as a excuce he use his college telling me weed helps him cope with stress and many,many other excuses. Yesterday i catch him smoking, he got furious,shout at me that is my fault he smoke again because im bullyig him and abuse him,and he hit me,again.After i kicked him out of the house,he starts blackmail me again and said he kill himself,again.Last week money was missing from my account,but that was "bank charges", again. He didnt finish his college, doesn work,i pay for everything myself but is me who abuse him because he has to get up to child in the morning while im at work.He is agressive,shouting, doesnt care our son is beside or asleep.I feel depresed but trying to cope for my child, i have to work and be there for him.I really want to help him but i dont know how,i cant force him if he doesnt see problem.I want save our family and be happy again.When hes not smoking he is great father and husband and i want him back,but i cat stand that any more.The biggest mistake i maid was that i took him back first time whe he lied to me.After that i think,he never take my seriously,he knew i will take him back again and again so he can do what he wants and i will forgive.I know if i let him come back that will never finish.How to make him understand i want the best for him and i want help him?
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Posted: June 19, 2014, 10:00 PM


Posts: 199
Joined: November 2, 2008



mkgb,

Your actions do set a precedent. He is not working and has to watch his child, and, that makes him mad? Then, when you inquire about missing monies he gets upset?

His lashing out seems like typical addict behavior. It's simply to protect himself, guard if you will, so he can continue on with the addiction.

By allowing his behavior...not working, getting angry when you want responsible action, etc., perhaps you are creating an environment for his actions to continue? Why would he want to be different if he doesn't have to?

What if...he had no $$? What if he had no place to live? Just thinking aloud here, but...

That child needs responsible direction. Not some selfish drug addicted person to lead.


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