If I Leave Does That Make Me Selfish?
Posted: June 12, 2013, 12:32 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: March 24, 2013



I dont know what to do....per my previous post I want to scream....I have been doing a lot of thinking...I just found out he bought more after a fight we had on Friday putting us that much more in debt..I want him to feel the consenques sp? Of his actions I don't want to bail him out again...but I feel like I will be abandoning him...I love him but don't think he is going too change anytime soon
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Posted: June 12, 2013, 5:29 AM


Posts: 402
Joined: August 8, 2005



Debating selfishness is not the issue. The reality is that your husband continues to use drugs with no sign of stopping. It is not selfish to expect a husband to be a good role model for his children and a solid partner to his wife.

If you are debating about leaving, don't expect that this will snap him out of it and get him sober. Sadly, addicts do not respond very well to family pressure. It is the drugs that have them trapped.

You need to prepare yourself for the real possibility that he will not seek any help and will continue using. In the event that he does not choose sobriety, you need to have a plan to make a secure life for you and your children.

I know this is a hard time for you, but keep your sights on the kind of life you want to build for your family. Keep the kids in mind and your own peace of mind and security. Wanting good things in your life is not selfish, whether he decides to participate or not.





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Posted: June 12, 2013, 11:23 AM


Posts: 9142
Joined: December 1, 2005



Hsan22,

Roberta shared some great insight.

So, the original question was does leaving make you selfish? The answer is NO, actually, only my opinion, but leaving an active addict whom is spiraling out of control, using the family resources for drugs and endangering you & your children by being under the influence of a powerful, mind altering drug is not selfish, I see if more as healthy.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to continually put yourself & your kids in harms way. You can love someone who's active in addiction from afar, that's how I do it so I can have peace & sanity in my life.

I suggest you pick up the book, CoDependent NoMore by Melody Beattie and find an Alanon meeting and go.

Keep coming back. You're in the right place~
Take care of YOU today,
Stacey

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: June 12, 2013, 5:09 PM


Posts: 14
Joined: March 24, 2013



Thanks again...I appreciate all of your wisdom. It its such a hard decision to make but I know I have to do what's best for my babies...it its also hard because when he is on them he is happy out going motivated person and when he runs out he is such a miserable person and angry....so its hard to see it sometimes as a bad thing...I hope that makes sense in some weird way....I wish he was that person without them that's who he was before he became addicted....its sometimes easy to dismiss because he isn't out of his mind high or anything but I think that in that alone lies a bigger more dangerous trap...
But I know he needs help and needs to get off...sorry just thinking aloud now because in my heart there its so much conflict
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Posted: June 12, 2013, 8:29 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Don't leave because you want hin to feel the consequences...leave if you believe it is right for you and your kids. If you don't act in your own best interests no one will...take care of you and your children and the rest will fall into place as it should. You can still love him, but sometimes it's healthier for everyone if we love them from a distance until they are clearly and obviously working on recovery.

Peace ~ M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: June 12, 2013, 10:24 PM


Posts: 14
Joined: March 24, 2013



How do you deal with the withdrawls? One min they are fine then the next they are yelling at you for nothing....I tell him that's its not right for him to be yelling at me for no reason.I cant say or not say anything and it doesnt matter it all comes down to him sayng if I want him to be happy go lucky then he take a pill if thats what I want I tell him that's not what I want....I know this is going to be hard for him he hasnt taken a pill since 2 yesterday so he says but it just freaks me out that he swithes from one moment to the next....

Am I wrong? Am I causing it to be hardee for him? I don't feel that I know how to handle someone going through withdraws.....
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Posted: June 13, 2013, 5:34 AM


Posts: 402
Joined: August 8, 2005



Withdrawing from opiates is a tough thing. For several days you go through physical symptoms like sweating, nausea, diarrhea, muscle spasms, and insomnia. Even after the physical symptoms have subsided, there are psychological aspects to deal with.

Our brains naturally produce a chemical called serotonin, which keeps our mood stable. Opiates flood the brain, and it is "tricked" into producing less serotonin. When a person stops using opiates, it takes a long while for the brain to recover the ability to produce this substance on its own again. As a result, many addicts become anxious, irritable, and depressed during early recovery because the brain suddenly has no opiates and is unable to produce this chemical in sufficient quantities to maintain a stable mood.

Behaviorally, people need treatment to learn new ways of coping with stress, without resorting to blotting out their problems or bad feeling with drugs. Opiates dull the emotions. Everything seems rosy and no big deal when they are high. Addicts need to develop coping skills when they start feeling real emotions again without the crutch of drugs.

In short, sobriety is not just the absence of drugs. There is much more to recovery than this. Treatment increases the chance that the person can be successful. Your home is not a treatment center. You cannot expect yourself to handle all of this on your own. Your husband is misinformed or stubborn if he thinks he can do this on his own. There is help for him, if only he is willing to get it.
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Posted: June 13, 2013, 9:24 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



There's an excellent thread ont he Pain Pills board titled "Your Brain on Opiates"...worth reading to better understand the physiology.

He doesn't want to be clean and he doesn't want to be uncomfortable...it's really that simple. Unfortunately, he can't have it both ways...to get clean, he will have to be uncomfortable for a time. My daughter had trouble for weeks with sleeplessness and muscle twitches and gastric issues.

Now, the only real question left is this: If this is as good as it gets, is it good enough for you and your children? We should never make decisions for ourselves based on "if"...if they get clean, if they are nicer, if they stop bankrupting us. Our decisions should be based on, "is this okay with me right now?" Is it okay for him to be verbally abusive and manipulative? Is it okay that he spends your household finances on drugs? Is it okay that he finds ways to make his problems about you?

Peace ~ M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: June 16, 2013, 7:30 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: November 30, 2009



Excellent posts. hsan, listen to Roberta and M&M.

Point blank it's an ugly thing withdrawl and us addicts will make you know it. Oh especially in the middle of the night when we pace, and are angry everyone else can sleep and you yourself truly can't "really" sleep, but shut your eyes and then hear that commotion that oddly enough comes from a person who while high can sneak out under your feet, steal your money, go get drugs and be back before you knew they left WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE!!!!!!!!!

Withdrawl is no joke......

and that is the EASY part of all this.
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