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My Own Struggle
Posted: April 27, 2013, 9:27 AM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



I am trying to live what i say..i am trying to live one day at a time and be happy, but it pretty much is always a struggle. ill try and be concise (ya, right) some of you know my son is an addict, he and his ex had a child, Bub (5 1/2) who after being bounced around and in unsafe conditions we got custody of a couple of years ago. his mother found out last night that we, the grandparents have custody and i dont know if i have anything left. she was duly notified many times but was so screwed up she didnt realize, now she is not using drugs, she wants her son back..well she works as an "escort" lives with a man 40 yrs older in a biker weekend clubhouse..my son? back in jail last night, fleeing and eluding and resisting, he has made horrible decisions, yet again there is nothing in my control, not a damned thing and it feels quite hopeless, like there is never going to be any normalcy to my life and Bubs...so for today, i will enjoy the weather, enjoy my grandson and try not to dwell in turmoil...i am not upset my son is in jail, i am upset at the continuing choices his parents make and how it affects all of us..
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Posted: April 27, 2013, 10:01 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Of course you are, momg...it is upsetting to say the very least...especially when precious child is involved. They have not really given a thought to how all of this impacts Bub because they are so self-involved. You just keep right on doing what you are doing and love that boy every minute...you are saving his life every single day. (((hugs)))

Love ~ M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: April 28, 2013, 1:51 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



i am struggling today, his arrest was in the paper (without the name) but i still have read it at least 6 times. he called here at least 35 times to get us to receive collect calls, we left the phone on because my mother in law is sick with recurring cancer, i called the jail and asked that he be restricted from calling and the dispatcher said "he is a mess, he was so high when we picked him up, he is in bad shape" his compulsive calling was scary at a point, but they must have moved him because he hasnt called in about 14 hours.. i love him and pray that something changes..he even called my 86 year old dad who had the good sense not to accept. i am just mentally and physically crapped out today.
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Posted: April 28, 2013, 9:50 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



I'm sorry, J...this stinks all the way around. It's all right in your home town and right under your nose, so it's hard to ignore it even though you are backing off. Take care of yourself as best you can...

Love ~ M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: April 29, 2013, 10:36 AM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



i feel like a recluse this last year i have made a good effort in detaching somewhat but it still feels like such a personal failure. thinking what i could of done differently even a year ago kind of plagues me..but it is the reminder that he holds all of the control over his own life and decisions..it is a constant thought that i have to block and i get a real insite into the compulsion that addicts have/it is the realization that for him, there is no bottom that is forseeable..well i need to do something to get my mind on something else..yes s, it is in my face most of the time, even friends calling to see if i am alright is just a cruddy reminder
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Posted: April 29, 2013, 4:13 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



QUOTE
...it is a constant thought that i have to block and i get a real insite into the compulsion that addicts have...

Bingo! That was a huge revelation when it came to me...my obsession with her and her addictions...my own compulsion. And I had to do exactly what you are doing, blocking, redirecting, consciously looking for other things to think about. I still carry that card with me, "It's only a thought and a thought can be changed."

I used to feel the failure thing too, and that line from "Kramer vs. Kramer" used to haunt me...when Meryl Streep is on the witness stand and Dustin Hoffman's attorney is hammering her about why she deserted them and finally he breaks her down and says, "So you failed at the single most important job of your life, isn't that true?" And she weeps and admits that's how she feels...I felt that.

So you made some mistakes this past year, who hasn't? Learn from them...there are no real failures, only failures to learn. Listen to some spiritually based audiobooks...I like Wayne Dyer and I find it really does make me rethink what's going on with me. I listen in the car or on a headset at home while I clean...download from the public library for free and listen over and over.

Keep on keeping on, lady...

Peace ~ M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: April 30, 2013, 10:01 PM


Posts: 202
Joined: November 2, 2008



In your growth, sometimes does theirs...sometimes.



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Posted: April 30, 2013, 10:58 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



this time i just feel there is no hope, may get serious time, i will have to fight again for Bub and i am just so tired, so depressed..i need to get out a bit more, i need to forget. i need to block the phones and quit obsessing that he told me they beat him, i just need to quit
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Posted: May 1, 2013, 11:28 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Momg, if you need to get away, I've got a nice quiet corner in Vermont where you could stay for a week in utter peace...or, you could bring the husband and grandbunny and there's a golf course and 60,000 square foot water park right onsite, a giant lake 15 miles away, and you could have fun days and relaxing, quiet nights. You let me know...the offer stands.
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Posted: May 1, 2013, 12:58 PM


Posts: 9134
Joined: December 1, 2005



MomG,

QUOTE
i need to block the phones and quit obsessing that he told me they beat him, i just need to quit
.

I can relate. I really practiced the detaching this last go around with my son when he was picked up & put in jail, 2 days after being released from the brain injury rehab. And you know what, he is currently out of jail, doing okay and back doing what he always does. Both of our sons are very blessed with a gracious HP who continually saves them from the gates of death. I choose today to believe & practice the faith that my son is where he needs to be & that his HP will watch over him.

So, I turn my focus to those who want and need me in their lives (not just to bail them out or put money on their books) and live the lifestyle that my HP, God has lead me to. I spend time with my children who are doing the next right thing, my husband who at this point in time is also my bestfriend & adventurous companion & I enjoy all my moments with my granddaughter and I give back to those who helped me get sober.

If you are able, take Mom up on that offer. Get out and about, unplug your phone or let your husband answer it and deal with things for awhile. Give yourself a much needed break.

I hope & pray, today, you go and do something nice for you and that you enjoy some quiet time.

xoxo
Stacey

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: May 1, 2013, 6:17 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



the offer sounds so good, currently my hubbie is on his way to connecticut for a required seminar, momnmore, your area is so beautiful but this is a really tough few weeks for me as i have mandatory compliance audits (ya i need that stress) went to work today and felt like a celebrity lol guess i have been gone awhile. wanna hear the stupidest thing? i should have told my husband to answer the phone, what a dunce...and yes i do need to get off the mindset of helping someone who refuses to help himself, its like i do fine then i get stuck like a sticking record..thank you gils for helping me get out of this frickin rut im in
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Posted: May 2, 2013, 10:33 AM


Posts: 9134
Joined: December 1, 2005



QUOTE
its like i do fine then i get stuck like a sticking record..


Lord, I can relate to that sentence, that is me in a nutshell sometimes that's why I have others to help guide me back to reality.

Glad you ventured out to your shop, MomG. Here's to a better day~!

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: May 2, 2013, 12:28 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



i have to just check here to get my stamina back, i get absolutely stuck and wish someone could whack me upside the head lol im sure there are plenty who would volunteer so please ladies keep bringing back to what little sanity i have left hey S, how is your son doing?
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Posted: May 2, 2013, 7:23 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



No whacks for you tonight, you are asking for a checkpoint and we are here. You've been on this raod a long time and so has Stacey and it's not an easy one to tread. Watching the self-sabotage repeating and repeating is hard on a parent, but you are doing the very best you can. Stacey has so much to offer as cousel and support in this, take it in...you'll get there in your time.

((Hugs)) M&M

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: May 3, 2013, 8:26 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



son went to pre exam, omg it is a class 1 retail fraud and resisting he is looking at 7 years.....7 frickin years manslaughter is less i am trying to keep things calm but i am freaking...the kicker his court appointed is the ex prosecutor who bobbled my 10,000 breaking and entering charge a year ago and i finally dropped charges after 4 court appearances....i am freaking out he has a 2000 cash bond and wants to come home until he is convicted and goes to prison, i know he deserves time, i know he is a f'n addict but a possibility of 7 years, i dont think i can handle anymore s***, God has just dumped on all of us again..i am thinking that if i were him i would run, i would run....i need something and prayers sure the hell havent worked over the span of the last 15 years...my head knows he caused it, i was thinking maybe a year, but 7
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Posted: May 3, 2013, 8:28 PM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



quick addendum...ok god hasnt dumped, he did, butr right now i do not believe there is a god, there is nothing but darkness
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Posted: May 4, 2013, 12:25 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Hang on, J...I'll be back tomorrow...and he'll be okay whatever the outcome...(((hugs)))

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: May 4, 2013, 9:02 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: August 11, 2012



I just want to give you a big ol hug. I will pray for you and your son. (((((((hugs)))))))))
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Posted: May 4, 2013, 10:06 AM


Posts: 155
Joined: June 6, 2012



Hang in there momg. There is nothing you can do to change the outcome of this. Your actions did not put him here, his did. Seven years may seem harsh, but regardless, he knew he was breaking the law and his family's heart. It's reality and I'm so sorry that your heart, mind, and the foundation of your beliefs are paying the consequences right now.

If I could give you a hug and reassure you I surely would. I'm so sorry that your are frightened and hurting for your son.
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Posted: May 4, 2013, 10:21 AM


Posts: 2305
Joined: February 20, 2010



i am frightened for everything, the bigger fear is losing Bub, my son is where he put himself but my grandson is just like a little pinball in this whole thing..i appreciate reading replies as i find myself struggling with the things that cannot be answered, why my life has been full of such turmoil since day one, just constant chaos, even as a child i lived with every combination of people there was, all i ever truly wanted was just normal..i could go on and on but i wont knowing people care means alot
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