My Son
Posted: January 31, 2013, 7:51 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



I am feeling a high level of upset and anger at how my son has treated me so please dont judge me as I feel heartbroken and powerless to change anything too.
I was living temporily with my son and I became aware last Summer that he was taking a vast amount of alcohol and cocaine. I tried to help my son by always being there emotionally for him when he was down, giving him lifts places in my car, cleaning the house up, giving him money and buying him food etc etc.
I became aware than he was stealing money from my purse, and had to lock my purse in the boot of my car. He then began to intimidate me for money to pay drugs debts.
He then began smashing furniture up whilst under the influence which terrified me he did this to frighten me try to make me do as he wanted. Last November I put my foot down and refused to give him any money so he threw me out, it was a case of " give me money or you are out" I moved out and have my own place now.
Since I moved out I have been subjected to a bullying and harrassment campaign from him, firstly on Facebook, so I blocked him. Then abusive texts threatening to find where I live and come to get me, hes been pestering my daughter to find out where I live but she wont tell him. I have been told " the bullying has only just started" I told him to leave me alone and informed the Police. He has now been taking out loans and using my phone number and details as an emergency contact so I then had to change my phone number.
My son doesnt infact actually care about me at all but just sees me as a means to fund his habit, he is in denial and is trying to say that I am crazy when I highlighted the fact he is taking drugs. He was seen at Christmas in town going to pay a dealer so it is true.
I am so tired of this endless bullying as his Father who I have divorced behaved like this towards me. Drugs has turned my son into an uncaring monster and I have had to wash my hands of him at the moment which has broken my heart. I was tired of feeling upset, angry, used, vulnerable etc. He used to be such a nice person before all of this...
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 7:52 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



Ps: Drugs seems to have turned my son evil :-(
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 8:13 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



Geriberry I am so sorry,
I read this and understand all of it...I have already seen this type of behavior in my own son...

You have to get healthy for yourself and know by walking away your doing the right thing. I got to the point when when he texted me, I texted back...you come around me I am calling the police. I was terrified in my own home...

I know even though currently he is in treatment and we are in/entering the "pink cloud" that there is a change I will be faced with setting those boundiers again...and am prepared to get a restraiting order if needed this time. It is hard when it is not a stranger that is causing you to feel violated.

Please get in a support group that you can call yoru "home group" for yourself. Believe me it will help with all those feelings and numbness...Keep comeing here too!


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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 8:26 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



Thank you so much for the support and I am so very sorry you are going through this too. I felt guilty by writing my post as I do know its the chemical addictions that have made him this way but also I am tired of feeling vulnerable, depressed and afraid. I keep feeling like I want to get him off the drugs, report the dealer as the dealer is a friend of my sons but I am too scared to. I keep thinking if I can get the dealer out of the equasion then my son will stop??
Bless you x x
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 9:27 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



he will just find a new dealer...he has to stop, you can not do this for him...it is hard to watch... but you can not find his "bottom" for him...where he decides this is not the life he wants and is willing to do the work needed to begin the journey to being clean and sober.


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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 11:45 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Why would anyone judge you? You are being bullied, threatened, and harrassed, and I am glad you called the police. You must document everything...keep the texts and write everything down in a small notebook. Tell another person each and every time you receive a threat, or indirect word of a threat. You need an order of protection or restraining order against your son...not just a physical order, a no-contact order. Your son is a very sick man...most addicts do not carry things this far and he sounds psychotic. Please, please take care of yourself and your finances. If he has access to anything speak to the bank officer and credit card companies you deal with.

He is dangerous, and I am very sorry for your troubles, but please take the measures you need to take for your own safety.

Peace ~ MomNMore

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: January 31, 2013, 7:28 PM


Posts: 25
Joined: January 7, 2013



I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru.

You are right, drugs can make people do the most unbelievable things. Things you would never imagine a person doing.

As a am trying to do for myself, put yourself first, pray to god for strength... Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, you did what you could to help your son, he has to realize he needs help for himself. I will have you in my prayers.

Stay strong!
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Posted: February 3, 2013, 3:41 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



Thank you for the replies, this forum is helping me a lot and I am now feeling stronger. Can anyone answer this question for me please? My son is trying to make out its me with the real problem when its not, I think anyone would have a problem with his behaviour. He is accusing me of being crazy, mad, imaginging things, drinking a lot which is not true. I drink one or two drinks occasionally and do not take drugs. Why is he making up lies about me as that hurts too. I feel a sense of injustice, like I am being unfairly judged and victimised for nothing.
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Posted: February 3, 2013, 6:42 PM


Posts: 1018
Joined: November 19, 2005



Dear Geriberry,
He is blaming you because it takes the focus off him. Usually the ones who love them the most get the toughest rap. If it wasn't you to lie and blame it would be something or somebody else. There was a period of time I stopped taking my daughters calls and stopped looking on facebook to see what she was doing and saying. They are compulsive liars and play the victim role. If he calls you nagging and complaining, you can always hang up. If someone is telling you this, stop them before they get any further and let them know you no longer want to hear it. Put a stop to it before it even starts. In your heart you know that isn't you. There is no need to try and convince anyone else.
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Posted: February 3, 2013, 7:00 PM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



Yep, you do not need to take on what he or others are projecting onto you...
Keep coming here, keep posting, the more you open up about it the more you learn (like me)...your not crazy, your not alone...and it is not your fault. It is not yours to fix or try to control...

A year ago my son was doing the same to me...I was over dramatizing it, reading too much into it...so on and so on and so on...

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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 7:52 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



Thank you once again for the replies this site is really helping me. I feel the need to rescue and protect my son as no one wants bad things to happen to their children do they? I kind of think " if I could get him to see what he is doing is wrong" how do I overcome this, it tortures me???
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 8:13 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



ugh, I am there with ya :)
You can't and neither can I...
all you can do is be honest with yourself and accept the things you can not change, have the courage to change the things you can and gain the wisdom to know the difference...

It is a process, it is unravaling yourself, it is steppng back, off the roller coaster ride...it is one day at a time for us as it is for them...and even harder if they are still using and trying to pull you into it all again.

like me you have a co-dependent relastionship with your son and he knows where and how to push your buttons...to get the reaction he wants...when he tried nd it does not work, he takes it up a notch and trys something else...when that does not work, he takes it up another notch...this has been going on for sometime, am I right...so he has learned alot for what buttons to push...how to hurt the deepest...and he uses it.

I think the biggest turning point for me closing that door loud and clear is when my son called crying, terrified, asking for a ride because he has just been jumbed and had no shoes or coat (it was raining out) and needed a ride...not a month after he came into my home stoled my checks, cleaned my bank account...etc...and I almost did it, I almost picked him up...but driving there...I called and said no, this does not feel right, your on your own...oh man, my phone blew up with texts...I realized, I can just turn off my phone...yes, it felt like I was abadoning him, and all I had in my mind was him walking bearfoot in the rain beaten...
it was a sleepless night of "what if's and guilt, and a internal battle with myself...
but you know what? The next day I got a call from someone I did not know, another kids mother, she got my number off one of the checks he stoled and talked her son into depositing it in his account and of course the check bounced and could I make restitution.
Oh and the night before my son got a ride to her son's house...(my son was staying there and was moving in) and was followed by "friends" who he owed money.

So, I spent the night feeling guilty for not being their for my son, and he figured it out...he was left to deal with the consquences of his life choices.

After I wondered what I could have been driving into if I had gone there...was I being set up to give these people money?
Yeah, after that, it is easier to say no...but it does not take away the internal battle I have with myself...now I come here and read, or post during those moments...

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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 8:50 AM


Posts: 2309
Joined: February 19, 2010



you are so right about upping it a notch, why, because it almost always worked..it is like a child with a tantrum and you buy the candy to shut them up. our behavior is so hard to change. does anyone remember the OLD OLD movie with sandra dee where they tell the newly married wife to treat her husband as she would a puppy> dont know why i thought of that but it works sometimes
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 9:27 AM


Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012



You're not helpless mom, you are very brave and wise and an inspiration on 'what to do' when dealing with addiction. Thanks for sharing your story.
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 10:03 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



thanks, I do not feel brave...I feel like I have a right to protect my own life, my happiness, my joy...it is amazing how much all this just sucks the life out of you and you have no joy left for others in your life who love you and are going through this with you because they love you...It is a day by day (sometimes minute by minute) activily telling myself to focus on other parts of my life and go on.

That it is okay to be happy in my marriage (just got married in 2011) it is okay to enjoy the moments of our first christmas in our house (we just moved in, in July)...

there have been times when I felt gulty for eating because I did not know if my son was hungry...crazy how the mind and heart works...I have to remind myself it is okay to take care of and love me.

I think this is part of the process of letting go, getting off the marry go round...

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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 8:25 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



This site is really helping me and yes I had a co dependent relationship with my son as the buttons he pressed were the guilt ones and I was afraid of his anger. The notch he notched up to were intimidation, stealing and bullying for money from me his own Mother, he has no sense of guilt or remorse for what he has done to me or the hurt that he has caused me. He has been like this since he was 18 years old and he is now nearly 26 years old. About 6 years ago I set boundaries down with him and he voilated them all so I had nothing to do with him for a whole year, let him back into my life determined to rebuild bridges but he treated me worse this time. I really dont know whats best to do in the long term as I cant stand feeling worthless or like a drug cash card for him.
My next problem is its my Grandsons first birthday in three weeks time and my daughter naturally wants a party for him. At the party will be my son, his girlfriend( who are both chemically dependent) plus my ex husband and his wife who are similar too. These people are verbally abusive towards me. My daughter has banned alcohol from the party which is great but I will feel very vulnerable there and afraid and its not fair on me, my daughter or grandson. I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter, her partner and love my grandson and I love them all to bits.Why should these people destroy our happiness, and why should I be deprived of my grandsons first birthday party, any ideas as I dont want them all to upset me, intimidate me and verbally abuse me for NOTHING???
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 8:35 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: December 24, 2012



Ps my daughter showed me photos of my son on Facebook and he has lost even more weight. What can I do as I am sooo very worried about him :-( I wish I could speak to him but he is in denial as all the people he associates with drink a lot and take cocaine. He is also getting deeper and deeper into debt and I am very concerned about his emotional and physical well being :-( I am his Mum and I want to look after him and make sure he is okay but he is so abusive towards me and it breaks my heart what he has become
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Posted: February 4, 2013, 8:52 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



QUOTE
I am his Mum and I want to look after him and make sure he is okay...

Geri, your son is a grown man and no amount of mothering will bring back the boy he was. He needs to look after himself.

The party...it sounds like a disaster in the making. Unless you can go and ignore the anticipated abuse, or be prepared to walk out if things get ugly (without engaging in it), then maybe consider a separate time for you, your daughter, and your grandbaby. From what you say it seems like maybe you are too emotionally vulnerable to handle all of them in one place, and maybe you should not put yourself through that. It's hard when the dysfunction of addiction gets the best of what should be a family time, and maybe your daughter can set some boundaries for acceptable behavior and let them know that abuse will not be tolerated, after all, it is a child's birthday...a child you all care about and love...maybe that will be enough...or maybe it won't. You can't control their behavior, only your reactions to it.

Peace ~ M&M

This post has been edited by MomNMore on February 4, 2013, 8:53 PM

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: February 5, 2013, 7:46 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



I agree with MnM, I think the party is putting yoruself in an unhealthy situation for yourself. Is it possible for you, your daughter, and grandson to have a little privite one?

I understand your daughter wanting only one for her son, but his family dynamics are not built that way...and two sets of birthdays will always have to be. It has been that way for years with my kids...

I just could not do the co-party thing I had witnessed my ex inlaws do for years...pretending to get along, talking about each other behind their backs...etc...I tried it once for my kids with my ex and said no way...I sat in a corner with one person sitting with me talking with me while the rest pretended I was not there...and my kids felt the akward silence and it was just not good...from then on there were two parties one from me on their birthday and one from their father and his family....

your situation sounds a bit more rocky and if I were you, I just would not set myself up for that potential abuse...

This post has been edited by helplessmom on February 5, 2013, 8:32 AM

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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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Posted: February 5, 2013, 8:37 AM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 24, 2012



my logging name reflects how felt at the moment I created this account and committed to join and admit I could not do this alone...
I felt helpless, powerless to change what I was watching my son do to himself, his life, his future...there are times when I still feel helpless...and I think now, that is part of letting go as a mom and going on with life...learning the wisdom to know what is mine to change and what is mine to accept I cannot change (or control).

I am putting this out there because this is the second time someone has said I am not "helpless"...:)~
thanks to you all who are sharing, supporting, being honest (even if it means saying the hard stuff that makes/has made me look at myself and be honest about my role in all this)

thank you!

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"It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out."
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