The Lost Battle
Posted: December 17, 2012, 12:16 AM


Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012



Hi, everyone. I was just posting to update you all and let you know that "A"'s mom called me tonight to inform me that he passed away on Thursday due to a heroin over dose. He was barely out of rehab 2 weeks. That's all I'm going to post for now. I'm just so numb, lost, shocked and every other mix of emotions I'm sure many of you are familiar with. I still loved him. And I'm just falling apart... still can't wrap my head around it........

--------------------
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand

And
Let her cry
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 7:34 AM


Posts: 869
Joined: August 11, 2012



Im very sorry for your loss. Hugs!
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 8:02 AM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



My condolences... Detaching and letting go does not mean we do not love... I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Peace and Comfort...m&m

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 8:19 AM


Posts: 2309
Joined: February 19, 2010



i wish i could hug you, im so sad for you and his family
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 9:40 AM


Posts: 155
Joined: June 6, 2012



There just are no words adequate to say how very sorry I am. Just know you are in my thoughts and I'm sending you a gentle hug.
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 10:12 PM


Posts: 42
Joined: November 12, 2012



i am so very sorry for your loss. U r in my prayers.
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Posted: December 17, 2012, 10:25 PM


Posts: 1018
Joined: November 19, 2005



Angel,
I am so sorry. Big hugs going your way.
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Posted: December 18, 2012, 7:05 AM


Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012



Thank you, everyone. I think its needless to say how very upset I am about this, after all I was still in love with him and definitely still felt like I was dating him. There were so many things left unsaid between us two that needed to be said. He was doing so well, 9 days out of rehab until the mom of a friend died, and another friend of his gave him something to cope. He didn't mean it, I'm sure he just thought one more time won't hurt, to take the edge off. Now, all I can do is cry. At night I'm extra tired, too tired to want to socialize, but then in the morning I can't stand to be in bed any more, I feel like there is nothing I can do. I can't eat, and I'm so anxious that I've thown up twice already. God, if I thought breaking up with him was the hardest thing I had ever done, then this is hell on earth.

I was fortunate enough to see his mom last night, and that was an enourmous help. She is such an amazing woman, and I hope to keep seeing her.

Words cannot portray how grateful I am for this community. You guys are the best thing to happen to me since "A" (minus the drugs of course)... Thank you so much for your love and support.

--------------------
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand

And
Let her cry
  Top
Posted: December 18, 2012, 10:38 PM


Posts: 5945
Joined: April 17, 2005



Dear Angel,

I am so sorry for your loss! I don't post a lot as far as advice on here but I do share my experience and pray for each and everyone on this site because I know of the pain of loving an addict and watching them make choices that can cost them their lives. It is our worst nightmare come true when we lose them. Please know that you, "A", and his family will continue to be in my prayers. May God give you the strength you need to get through these difficult days and may you find some peace in your heart in time.

God bless!
Susan


--------------------
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke (attributed)

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." Anita Roddick
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Posted: December 18, 2012, 10:43 PM


Posts: 5945
Joined: April 17, 2005



Listen to this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QICc9bCRbTM

Our prayers have been answered
I finally arrived
The healing that had been delayed
Is now realized
No one's in a hurry
There's no schedule to keep
We're all enjoying Jesus
Just sitting at His feet

If you could see me now
I'm walking streets of gold
If you could see me now
I'm standing tall and whole
If you could see me now
You'd know I've seen His face

If you could see me now
You'd know the pain's erased
You wouldn't want me
To ever leave this place
If only you could see me now

My light and temporary trials
Have worked out for my good
To know it brought Him glory
When I misunderstood
Though we've had our sorrows
They can never compare
To what Jesus has in store for us
No language can share


--------------------
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke (attributed)

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." Anita Roddick
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Posted: December 21, 2012, 7:51 AM


Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012



Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It helps, since this obviously will never get any easier. Thanks for being here for me.

--------------------
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand

And
Let her cry
  Top
Posted: December 23, 2012, 8:35 AM


Posts: 250
Joined: May 13, 2009



Sweetie, I am so very very sorry for your loss. No words can help but please know that it WILL get better. I have been where you are and it does get easier. In january it will be 3 years since my fiance passed from an overdose...heroin, alcohol, subutex, various other pills. Like yourself, I felt like I was still in the relationship with him, I had thrown him out as I couldn't live with the constant turmoil of lies, finding needles, nodding, withdrawing, mood swings etc, but I still loved him, I still hoped that he would find his way and we would be together again. I still saw him regularly and ached for him and the fact that he was just perfect for me if it wasn't for this disease.
After he died, I felt guilty that I had 'abandoned' him (his words) and that maybe if I had let him carry on living here he would still be alive. The grief was overwhelming and all the 'if only I had..'s made it so much harder, even though I know I could not control the path that he took....I had tried that already and only twisted myself into knots which the wonderful people here helped me to unravel.
Thanks to the people here, I had let go with love and still told him regularly that I loved him and would be here with support when he chose to get clean, that alleviated the guilt somewhat. I had told him how much I would miss him when he was gone, he still didn't believe that his chosen path would kill him. I felt nothing was left unsaid, nothing untried to help him. It was inevitable but so very very sad.
In a strange way it was easier to deal with the grief of losing him than the rollercoaster of emotions when he was alive...I still feel guilty saying that. But the consistency of grief was easier to bear.
It won't be easy honey, I had a little breakdown about six months after his death, just couldn't cope anymore, suffered panic attacks, didn't want to go out, depression etc. But I got through it and gradually things improved. I can now look back and instead of mourning my loss I am grateful for having shared such a deep love with him, not everyone is lucky enough to experience that. I can remember the good times and the bad but the rawness of grief has subsided. I feel he is at peace and now so am I.
Remember your man and think of all the things that made you love him and know that he is no longer suffering. I now have a stable, fun, enjoyable life full of good friends and family and I do feel that the whole experience has made me a better person overall, less judgmental, more sympathetic and empathic, these are gifts that he left me. Keep your head up and look only one step ahead at a time and before you know it you will get there. Look after yourself with the little things, a long bath, a walk in the sun, keep busy..it helps.
Sending you so much love LostInAForest xxxxx

And a big warm love to all those here who remember me and my story, without you all I wouldn't be where I am now, the time you take to help a stranger is a real lifeline and deeply appreciated xxxx

--------------------
"Like the sun, you need to fall before you rise. When it's sunset, it doesn't mean the sun will never rise again it simply means it's time for something else to happen (night). It's the same with our lives. When we are hurt and down, it doesn't mean we will remain down forever but simply means it's another phase in life that we have to go through. If you always pay attention to sunrise & sunset, after the sun has set when it rises again it's most likely to shine brighter than the last time; it's the same with humans. When you are down & defeated today, make sure you rise stronger, more courageous and bolder. No matter what you are going through, it's not forever."
Written in 2009 by Lilly Musi
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Posted: December 23, 2012, 6:32 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



Wonderful post

Lost, I think of you often when someone appears here to tell a story like yours. I can't believe it's been three years. You sound really good and I am glad for news of you.

All the best... Lost no more.

Peace - M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: December 23, 2012, 9:19 PM


Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012



Angel - I am so sorry for your loss, I just lost my husband in November. It is still difficult but it is getting better. I continue to go to meetings and rely on my higher power for strength. Please take our prayers and wishes of comfort and healing during this time.
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Posted: December 24, 2012, 1:12 AM


Posts: 2
Joined: December 21, 2012



I am so very sorry for your loss :(

My prayers will be with all of you effected by this unfortunate loss.

My he rest in peace
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Posted: December 26, 2012, 12:25 AM


Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012



I'm really feeling everyone's support and prayers, especially today. Thank you all so much for thinking of me. Christmas time is probably the hardest time ever to lose someone and I couldn't ask for a better community to be so supportive of me. You're all wonderful :), God bless!

--------------------
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand

And
Let her cry
  Top
Posted: December 26, 2012, 2:44 AM


Posts: 25
Joined: July 24, 2012



I am so sad for you, please take care of yourself

Hugs
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Posted: December 26, 2012, 6:37 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: December 18, 2012



Dear Angel: How devastating. A little note of irony....while my son has been in rehab for the past month I have been composing a list of rehab songs in my head....Let Her Cry is definitely one of them...it absolutely captures the feeling of loving a drug addict....whether it be a lover or child....I'm sure God is holding you and your loved one in the palms of his hands...
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Posted: December 28, 2012, 12:27 AM


Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012



Let Her Cry really is an amazing song, I loved it long before I found myself falling in love with a heroin addict. Even though "A" is gone, I will still feel such an attachment to the song since my life unfortunately began to parallel it in just a matter of months. I've been thinking a lot lately... at 22 years old, I've experienced more in under a year than most people do in 50 years. It makes me sad, no one should ever go through this sort of pain, especially so early in life. I HAVE been feeling a little better, as the initial shock of his death slowly wears off. I haven't fully accepted the fact just yet, but I'm crying less, which is good. I'm surrounded by extremely supportive people so I have them to thank for that. I also can't express how grateful I am for this website. Everyone here is a true blessing :). Your strength keeps me going <3

--------------------
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand

And
Let her cry
  Top
Posted: December 28, 2012, 10:01 AM


Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012



Hi Angel, I hope this finds you feeling a little better. I just listened to the song Let Her Cry. Amazing. I wanted to let you know that grief is like riding a roller coaster. You will feel better some days and wonder how or maybe even why, then the next day you will be slammed with the loss anew. Just knowing this helps me to deal with the great emotional ups and downs. Praying for your comfort.
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