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Son Back Hard
Posted: December 1, 2012, 9:31 PM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



would imagine he has been using heroin for awhile now, he came over to see his son, said he had been clean almost 2 days, looked like heck, so i went to the bathroom, come out and he is saying goodbye, i check my wallet a while later and a credit cardis gone, i call it in stolen he has used it at a shoe store, for Gods sake, prob shoes for his dealer..im so disgusted i cant hardly speak, as usual he will screw up Christmas, he will prob od and die or hold up a store....i cant take this crap anymore, i was in the bathroom maybe 3 minutes at most..i honestly dont think he will ever make the choice to be clean, i think he is damaged to the core, such a waste.
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Posted: December 1, 2012, 10:54 PM


Posts: 1579
Joined: November 6, 2005



So sorry momg..horrible disease really horrible. Don't give up hope. Never even when it seems the lowest. I would press charges and have him arrested. Maybe if he hits enough low points he will get sick of using. Enough consequences.
You can still have a nice Christmas. I'm going to try. "Be content in whatever state your in".
I am sorry for your troubles. I so get how you are feeling and have felt that way many times.
Alanon teaches to detach and let them go What else are we to do? What else is left to do.
The answer is nothing. There is nothing to do except give him to God and take care of you.
You enjoy that precious grandchild of yours and make the best of your circumstances in spite of his using.
God bless you and I am truly sorry that you are hurting and that your son is still out there. It's especially hard during the holiday season.
I will pray for you and him. Prayer is powerful. Keep the faith.

--------------------
All things are possible through God.
Ask and you shall receive
Seek and you shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you

When you pray, you activate God's power.
Every time you pray something happens!
The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control.
Pray at stop lights.
Without faith it is impossible to please Him.
When you pray, pray for His will.
God is Good............all the time!!!!!
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Posted: December 1, 2012, 11:19 PM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



i dont think i even have it in me to pray, i give up, i feel as if God has let my son and i suffer for 15 years, i just dont have it in me anymore
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 1:56 AM


Posts: 958
Joined: November 19, 2005



Damn mom,
I want to come to Michigan and slap your son upside the head. That was my first thought-maybe knock somesense into him.
I know you are angry right now. You did the right thing by reporting it stolen.
This isn't God doing this to you and your son. Take a deep breath and get a clear head
Have you been attending Alanon?
It doesn't matter that it was shoes. Your son made the choice to enter your home and steal from you. He violated your trust. Here you allow him in your house and within three minutes he is in your purse and gone. You shouldn't have to lock up everything. This is your house and you should feel free to do as you do.
So now the next step is yours.
We can't blame God for how we react to our kids choices. Blaming it on addiction and forgiving them because they are an addict only enables them to continue. Why stop when there is no consequences? He chose to do the crime, let him do the time.
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 1:58 AM


Posts: 5945
Joined: April 17, 2005



Dear Momg,

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I agree with Gail. I would report him for stealing your charge card and using it without permission and let him suffer his consequences. The consequence of jail isn't as dangerous as allowing him to go out and use.

The holidays are so hard on them. I know that as much as I look forward to them for the grandchildren, I dread them because of worrying about my son.

As far as God is concerned, He gave each of us a free will and He won't take that away from us. He will help us and give us strength IF we ask, but He won't interfere with our free will. Your son's choices with his free will are what has kept you and him suffering for 15 years...not God. He loves each and every one of us and would never ever choose for us to suffer. God HAS answered your prayers....just as He has Gail's and mine....by protecting our sons and allowing us more time with them in hopes that they will get strong enough or fall low enough to want things to change and start making good choices. Until then. we HAVE to keep praying. At least that way we feel we're doing something positive about this mess that we have no control of!

Just my opinion.

Love,
Susan

This post has been edited by devangreb2 on December 2, 2012, 2:01 AM

--------------------
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke (attributed)

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." Anita Roddick
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 11:34 AM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



i have been the great enabler over the years, that is absolutely true. we called it in stolen and i told them our son used it, my husband said no to calling the police..complicated why, has more to do with him than my son. it was such a short time, as usual he just zeroed in on an opportunity so last night hubby cut wood so all of our sliding windows and doors couldnt be opened...what a drag. it seems that the happier and more festive i am the more he unravels, maybe it is my [erception but i had decorated all day and was in such a festive mood when he showed up, then whammo...i can remember him being really really young and knowing something just wasnt right, did anyone else feel that way? he never has ever thought of any consequences and has always stolen...like it is his right to have things we didnt give him this sense of entitlement
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 3:18 PM


Posts: 8546
Joined: April 24, 2007



I am terribly sorry he is undercutting your holidays, but don't you let him. Stop allowing him in your home, even to see Bub...if you all need to see one another, do it at a coffee shop...and do not let him live there under any circumstances. It sucks, but it really is past time for something different. You were so cheery yesterday and I hate that he has taken that from you, but take it back and know that it's not God, it's J who is creating these situations. Let go, momg, completely.

I think there's more than entitlement going on here, J. I can't remember, was he diagnosed ADHD? If not, he sure sounds like it...maybe ODD as well, Oppositional Defiant...no filters at all. I have boys like him in class and it doesn't take much to set them off on a series of bad decisions, even by 4th grade you kind of know there's something up. They really don't have ANY impulse control AT ALL...I have three of them this year and let me tell you, it's very tricky to get anyone to make a call one way or the other, and it takes forever. Children like J need serious behavioral interventions, but it's often too little too late by the time any sort of positive intervention can be put in place and then sustained by all the adults in the child's life. R was always 'different' too...just never fit in, never felt the same as everyone else, never could manage her emotions and was always compelled to act on any fool thing that came into her head. Yeah, I recognized at about 9 years old after a series of strep infections left her with tics and OCD, did J have a lot of strep as a kid?

You hang in there and take care of you. I send you big hugs...

Peace ~ M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 4:05 PM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



even when he was a baby he would set off for an hour screaming and yelling, starting from kindergarten it was hell, yes add, odd and he just barrels out of control many psychologists, but he would not talk, at all, they finally said if he wont talk, we cant do anything. Life has been very very difficult for both of us, he has anxiety disorder, but that can well be caused by the drugs. this is not the person I know anymore it is like a Jeckyl and Hyde..I was so glad he stopped, I thought maybe I could do some decorating if he played with Bub only to see me as an easy mark I guess. Detaching, i thought I was doing better and not enabling his behavior, who knows where he has been getting his money, i dont want to know. i have been trying to clean up the house and keep decorating, went in the unused bathroom and lo and behold put my hand in to the cupboard to get a towel and got stuck in the thumb by a needle, looked new, who knows,,,,now I will go get tested for Hep c in a couple of weeks...ya, this has been a special weekend alright lol I am just currently feeling overwhelmed, especially after the frickin needle stick..
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 9:53 PM


Posts: 42
Joined: November 12, 2012



momg, im noone to give advice but u sure as heck have been a power of strength in mine in such a short time. stay strong, dont blame god, detach. u r very much in my prayers. ur post brought tears and i am soo sorry ur heart is hurting. hugs ur way.
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Posted: December 2, 2012, 10:13 PM


Posts: 155
Joined: June 6, 2012



I have to agree with MomNmore.... don't allow him back into your house. I am so sorry that he has put a kink in your holidays. I hope you press charges and follow through. There just are no words to adequately say how sorry I am that your Son would do this to your family. Addiction is such an insidious thief.
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Posted: December 3, 2012, 9:46 AM


Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012



Oh momg, I am so sorry. Addictive behavior is so frustrating, and sad. Know that I will be praying for a peaceful Christmas for you and your family.
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Posted: December 4, 2012, 12:15 AM


Posts: 958
Joined: November 19, 2005



How are you doing mom? I felt so much like Mom the night I read the post. You were so upbeat the day before and then BAM! It has to be so frustrating for you not to have your husband supporting you. I went through that last year with mine. I left and stayed at my mom's for two weeks. Try talking to your hubby about your anxiety and fears. Your son is putting all of you in danger. What if that needle got stuck in the towel and you went to wrap Bub in it after a bath and he got stuck with it? You getting stuck with it is bad enough. Now you have to be scared waiting to see if you got hep or AIDS.
You and Bub are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Posted: December 4, 2012, 12:28 AM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



the non support was only in not calling police, there are many reasons for that..havent heard anything from him, dont know who has and that does make me very sad. the needle stick thankfully was not Bub, my son has been tested many times and does not have aids but is hepc positive, that i will have tested in a couple of weeks. trying to keep a positive attitude and trying not to worry about things i cant change. coming here does help a lot.
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Posted: December 4, 2012, 5:32 PM


Posts: 958
Joined: November 19, 2005



Hang in there mom. You know these kids are resourceful when they need to be. Hearing nothing could be a good thing. I will pray for his Higher Power to take care of him and his needs.
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Posted: December 4, 2012, 8:32 PM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



he just came by, rang the bell and asked if he could come in and see Bub. ya I let him, he stayed for about 30 minutes in the living room, thanked me and left..Im glad he is around and safe going to see trans siberian orchestra do the lost christmas eve performance Friday!!
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Posted: December 6, 2012, 10:51 AM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



little vent, j's pregnant gf sent me an im upset because she hasnt seen him and is he ok, told her he came to see his son and he seemed the same but quiet, he spent time with his son, not us...she started in on why would he treat his family better when it was us that had a "fight" over the credit card usage and she and her friends think she should come first. i told her Gavin should come first and she would have to discuss with J, referred her to alanon again, well she has gone once and understands....hmmmm, not i told her he is a drug addict and doesnt do the same as us, perhaps her expectations are somewhat skewed, oh no, wrong thing to say, well he wasnt using drugs when they "got together" he should "man up" all i told her is plain facts...he had been fresh out of jail for a drug felony and his son was in the custodial care of someone else...why did she think he was the best in the gene pool? that slipped out, she was getting very angry, told her i was not going to speak for him, and im not..sorry she is alone through this pregnancy but where is personal responsibility? Lord he was out of jail 2 days when she got pregnant..you would think a woman would be more careful at 30 years old. this was all done in private manner since i dont like verbal vomit on facebook!! lol
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Posted: December 7, 2012, 11:49 AM


Posts: 2296
Joined: February 20, 2010



today is a new day, gf sent me an apology, accepted and forgiven. i have to rememberhow many many years i totally believed i could change my son by just loving him enough, so she will learn. i told her that we have to limit our conversation to the baby... less controversial
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Posted: December 9, 2012, 12:15 AM


Posts: 8546
Joined: April 24, 2007



QUOTE
...i totally believed i could change my son by just loving him enough...

I always wondered why that wasn't enough =(

Gonna hijack a bit here because I don't want to start a new thread. My BFF's son was addicted for a year before she told me...can't quite reckon why since she knew what we'd been through with R...maybe she thought I hadn't done 'the right thing' or that what we had done wasn't right for their family...don't really know. He's 20 now and it's been going on for a couple of years. I think I kinda brow-beat her with the let-him-go stuff and she just couldn't, wouldn't, wasn't ready. Her nephew was a pretty hard case and I had spoken to her sister and BIL about him and I think maybe she felt bulldozed by my unflagging contention that we all have to let them find their own way. I know myself well enough to know I do soft-peddle any of it and that it is off-putting to many. We've talked about her son several times and I finally just stopped and waited. A couple of weeks ago I asked her to stop by so I could give her a little girly-gift...we talked, she cried, things were pretty bad...again...he was detoxing in their home, again...they were calling detoxes, again...he was not really doing any of the hard work himself, again. I love this kid, I really do, but he's got it bad and is not doing anything except trying differnet meds - suboxone 'didn't work', the patch 'didn't work'...of course what really didn't work was him. When I told R he was detoxing in their home R said, "Again? Why aren't they letting him figure this out? Can't they see he's not getting better?"

Anyway, got home from work last week and husband handed me the newspaper and said here's some sad news...this really great kid has breaking into homes in the neighborhood while folks were asleep and robbing them...caught on surveillance cameras using stolen credit cards, cops executed a search warrant on the family home and found heroin as well as goods believed to be stolen, and some other stuff. Sad times. BFF was away with son on a post-detox hiking weekend and dad was home when they searched...next day kid turned himself in. I haven't spoken to me friend but we have exchanged texts...she's a wreck, numb, at a loss...I offered support and love...it's all I've got.

During our talk a couple of weeks ago she asked me poignantly, "How do I know that maybe this time is the time he gets clean? " You don't. "Weren't you worried when R was on the street?" Hell, yes, but I was worried when she was home, too. So now this young man is facing 15 felony charges and who knows if he even detoxed at all since H was found in the house. My poor friend...

Just keeping a good thought for all of them. Thanks for the outlet.

Peace ~ M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: December 9, 2012, 9:39 AM


Posts: 1579
Joined: November 6, 2005



Wow Mom..that's really too bad for your friend's son and for his family...can realate to that! Your story - as usual- did help me though..knowing that I did the right thing by not bailing my son out. Actually he asked me twice, the first time while he was being walked to the police car and the second time in a letter on his birthday :(. It was hard but knew in my gut that it was right. I am sure your friend will "get it" just like me and many many others in degrees. I tried all those things too and almost lost a good friend because of it. She was frustrated with me because I kept enabling him. I wasn't ready. Plain and simple. I guess I hadn't reached my bottom yet. Boy, I have now.
It's a process and everyone's recovery comes in different ways at different times. Unfortunately maybe if your friend "got it" a little earlier..maybe not too= then maybe he would not be where he is. It's a "who knows" game but hard and fast the absolute best thing to do for them and we benefit too is to let them go, pray for all we're worth and let them suffer their own consequences. Let them figure it out for themselves so they get sick of living sick and empy lives. It's so hard to do though when it's your own family or loved one. I have a friend too who has an addicted son. She has told me many times that I have helped her accept this new way of thinking. I have told her then if is a gift to me that maybe my suffering has not been in vain...
Prayer going up for this nice lady and her very sick son. I know their pain and pray that this to shall pass.

This post has been edited by gailadk on December 9, 2012, 9:56 AM

--------------------
All things are possible through God.
Ask and you shall receive
Seek and you shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you

When you pray, you activate God's power.
Every time you pray something happens!
The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control.
Pray at stop lights.
Without faith it is impossible to please Him.
When you pray, pray for His will.
God is Good............all the time!!!!!
  Top
Posted: December 9, 2012, 10:41 AM


Posts: 8546
Joined: April 24, 2007



QUOTE
It's a process and everyone's recovery comes in different ways at different times.

Thanks for that reminder, Gail...it's something that becomes so obscure in the absolute urgency I feel that others "get it"...it really is a matter of life or death, but we still can't force others around to our way of thinking, especially when that way seems so counterintuitive.

I hope she gets it before he gets much older...the older they get the harder it seems to get for them to find their way out. Thanks for your prayers...it means a lot to me.

Peace ~ M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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