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Posts: 6
Joined: January 14, 2012
Posted: January 14, 2012, 3:16 AM
Hello. My husband and i are married for like six years now. Presently we are struggling to keep our marriage together. Our quarrels started to worsen even about petty things just last year.
He was honest to tell me that he was taking shabu from JAnuary, 2011 to June of the same year. But he went back using it October, 2011 until December. I have been understanding and giving him a second chance but it is not easy. I am emotionally and psychologically battered because of his unreasonable doubts that i had affairs and that he is doing this because of me. I have been working so hard to meet our finances since he only gave us so little last year. And now i feel drained. All of the symptoms i've read in the internet is visible in him. He grinds his teeth till now. sweats a lot. could not sleep for days and sleeps like a log after. He lies and covers up things including finances. he says he just uses but do not engage in sex because his organ would not stand after the session... but i found out he was lying. but he blamed it on the shabu that was fake or of bad quality. Until now he is fond of porn and explains to me that it is normal. last year about November, I caught him entertaining women as long as they would communicate during office hours where he is not at home. He berates me and tells me that i am of no good. He is short tempered and even at present shows inclination to self injury. Now, he is telling me that he wants to stop and that his last hit was December 31. He has been taking pineapple juice to help him detox. but i am worried on how long will the paranoia and the anger last. just the other day we fought over a trip which he wanted to take with his office mates to strengthen their "rapport" where in he would not let me go to the same place even with my friends. he is very unreasonable and could not maintain a straight thought. I am willing to help him especially that we have two daughters who are still very young. i know they need their father. how can i help him get clean? we could not seek professional help because of his job and reputation. I am begging to feel drained of understanding and considering his needs while most of the time all i get is a impatience and a threat of him living us. i am worried that i'd breakdown before i could get him clean. Please help me. | ||
Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 14, 2012, 4:55 AM
To be blunt, to the point,......looking for what "you can do, to get him off it" is a waste of your time, energy, and emotional being. I have yet to know of an addict who got it together because someone else made them.
From the very first moment of your "wanting to help him", you became his main enabler. It's late, I'm havin trouble sleeping ( hehe, again, that makes me laugh,...who'd a thunk an old speed freak like myself would complain about not bein able to sleep ;) ) So here's the short version; There is not a single person who can, or has a right to "make" another person do ANYTHING! The one single thing you, and everyone else has the ability to control ,...is to control what you actually do with each moment of our lives. You seem to be a smart, and caring woman,....don't you believe you deserve better? Set your boundaries,.....and hold yourself accountable for everything that goes on in your life. Hopefully seeing his way of life isn't workin out,...he'll make the right choices to change things. Every single recovered meth addict I know, all have the same experience, and thing to say,......We all SERIOUSLY wanted, in the deepest way,...to stop using. Not because someone was "forcing" a situation,....but because we finally got it thru to our heads that life just isnt workin out well using,......and the only way to change things, is by no longer using. Addicts lie, pointing the finger of blame at anyone/everyone, other than themselves. You can't take whatever he says as the truth. Most likely all the trash he's talkin is more about his own issues,.....So rather than trying to get thru to him,.....work on yourself, lead by example. Nothin gets to someone circling the drain more than someone doing really well with their life. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: January 14, 2012
Posted: January 14, 2012, 10:06 AM
Thank you so much.
You are right. He tells me he wants to change and to stop. And in my deepest yearning to help him i tend to forget and overwork myself that i myself is now emotionally drained. I feel like id go crazy first before he gets sober. All the lies that i would unravel, accusations that every disagreement is my fault and the lack of affection from him drains me even more. He threatens to leave us, his family and our two daughters, every time we fight but i would stop him cause i know he might go to his dealer and use shabu again because of his anger and the hopelessness he feel in his life. Physical struggle would then happen but he never hits me. he even wants to hurt himself more... but just the other day he said that if i will not stop not letting him go all of our family would die.. i was scared because he was holding a "bolo". when i said that this is not normal anymore then he stopped as if he just realized what he was doing but in a second he would justify that he was not able to use it since New Year's Eve. We could not seek professional help because if other's would know he would lose his job and destroy his reputation. This is why i am trying to research but the worse is that knowing more about the drug and its effects. I know he will experience Post-Acute Withdrawal and i know it would be hard and his full recovery from the drug would be years. I would like to be there for him. I know it would be hard. may i ask the side of your wife... the one you met at the age of 50. who helped you in recovering. how did she do it without getting drained? Please help us....and thank you for your prompt reply. PS. hope you could sleep soon. | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 14, 2012, 4:07 PM
Her and I had become good online friends first on a game site. Her boyfriend at the time was dying of pancreatic cancer,...about a year after his passing,....we began to discuss taking our friendship to the next level. Having lived a lifetime in the world of meth/drugs, struggles with my relationship with mother of my daughter,....I knew far too well how deceit, lies, games, and secrets, ruin relationships. Addiction fuels the BS, and all the BS fuels the addiction,.....a vicious, vicious, cycle.
Between addicts, the web, where far too many people are nothing like the person they are in reality,.....and the countless people who seem to have a need to compulsively lie. The one single quality ANY person is capable of having,,, it doesn't cost anything,...yet is of highest value. Easy to have and maintain,....also easy to lose, and once lost it takes a lot of time and effort to get it back. Your integrity. Being honest with ones self, and others is key to a fullfilling life. I openly admitted to myself and my girlfriend, my addiction to meth. How long, and the amounts I used. My struggles with quitting, and also my desire to stop. In spite of all my issues, she took a chance on me. The only time I can recall of her "getting into my business" ( easiest way I can think of to describe ) was on my 50th b-day,.... We had previously met in person, and decided to give us a shot,.....I just returned, this time to stay,...she asked me if I had brought a stash with me. I had, 4 grams, give or take. Would have been easy to say no,...but that is no way to start a relationship,....also no way to work on quitting meth. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" was what went thru my mind. For the first time in my life,...EVER, I wasted drugs. I told her "yes" , then I got real about getting free,.....I got out the bag I stashed,...showed it to her. Declared I was DONE, dumped the meth into the toilet,...tossed in the bag and flushed it!! 50th b-day, a new and safe home. safe because the only way to get drugs is now 2500 miles away . I'm in no way naive, I know there is meth everywhere, I'm just not stupid enough to go out looking and asking for it from total strangers. I have no aspirations to change the fact I've managed to keep my butt out of jail for the most part. The majority of my life, relationships were full of drama, lot's of arguing. Me? them? the drugs? it was everything combined,...I envied people, couples who could disagree, all while being calm and respectfull. The bad thing about being on meth and getting into an arguement,.....the energy, the drive,....the hyperfocus as well as inability to let stuff go is so high,.....the fights never end. Not to mention a methhead that will take responsibility for his own actions is extremely rare. My girlfriend is a testament to the saying "the best way to win a fight, is to not get into it in the first place" When I was off the wall angry, moody, depressed,...she just went on about her life as if I wasn't there. On the flip side,....when I was succeeding at being the good man I'm capable of,...She was loving and supportive. It's hard to describe how our relationship helped me in my recovery as much as it did. I guess because in terms of what "she" did, was what works,...she didn't do anything in way of getting me off meth. All she did was show me there is a better life when not on drugs,...by living it. She never babied me, coddled me. A few things I do remember her saying to me, a lot lol, because it began to really piss me off, yet at same time I love the value of it,........"that's life, deal with it" "get over it" and "you need to take a pill" , ( a sign my depression, or attitude wasn't a healthy one, check myself, have I been taking my anti-depressants? are they working? should I stop, or change them? ) Surviving a relationship thru addiction and recovery is hard enough. To start a new relationship AND quit meth at the same is ridiculus. Recovery is a very selfish period, it has to be,....An addict needs to focus on self, and own goals....of course using is even more selfish. Many failures are because people think they can simply quit and everything will be normal and great again. No way! We spend a lot of time, effort and money getting to the point where we finally see there's a problem with our lives. Damage to our brains is accomplished much easier than repairs can be had. So even with the best of circumstances,...quitting a meth addiction is a long and bumpy road. I have gotten to know several wives in your same situation,....I can not recall a single one who at some point didn't have to finally seperate,.....get some distance for their own sanity, safety, and somewhat peace of mind. I think I've said before that reasoning with a meth addict is like wrestling with a big ol' pig in the mud. Sooner or later you're going to realize the pig is enjoying it! Bottom line,...this is "his" addiction, "he" is the one who chooses to use, Any blaming of you is just deflection. If y'all were to seperate, he'll still blame you for his using,...even tho you weren't in his life any longer. Addicts have a hard time admitting weakness to a substance,...add in the fragile ego of a man (did I just say that?? lol) Men have a need to be "in control" No alpha male could ever possibly be out of control! ???? Admitting defeat, admitting being powerless to something, are things that hold many back. Then once that bridge is crossed,...the next ego barrier is "I can do this on my own, I got this handled" Going to meetings, or seeking treatment are often looked at as being weak. Time for you to be the strong one! Draw your line in the sand,..."acceptable" on your side,..You can't change or force him into anything,...you CAN however decide what you will and will not accept in your life. You're already seeing how you are losing yourself over this, STOP IT, NOW. The reality of life is that it is sooooo very simple and basic. Stop losing yourself into his problem,....Start being the person YOU want to be, for YOURSELF. Relationships come and go,....except for your relationship with yourself which is forever ( and your kids if you have any ;) ) If he can't argue with you, truly loves you, see's how his actions are causing him to lose you. That may be the bottom he needs to turn things around. An addict is sorta like a drowning swimmer,...you try to save them, they struggle and fight, you both drown. Yes, you try to save them,...just, please, don't lose your own life in doing so. Sometimes ya just gotta let go to save yourself. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2012, 7:56 AM
Hi J1M,
I am in a very similar situation to helpneeded. My husband has been a user for over 10 years. We have been married for just over 2 years. We now share a beautiful daughter together, who is almost 1. Currently my husband is in a 28 day recovery clinic for his addiction, which feels abit like a holiday for me. I have gathered much information from the above posts that help me understand better what i am dealing with. But what i wanted to ask you is how can i help my husband after rehab? | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: March 15, 2012, 3:35 PM
Be supportive of his positive behaviours,...understand that with no longer using, he is not going to be the man you loved all the time. 28 days gets him clean,...hopefully he learned new life skills to help him deal with his situation.
Most likely he will have good days, and some bad ones. Understand you are not a doormat, and on his bad days whether he lashes out at you, behaves in ways unacceptable to you,....you do not have to . You are most likely gonna get angry at him, suspicious maybe at times,...try to just be civil and hold your ground. This is his addiction and his responsibility to get better. On more positive points,...keep the mood light and loving if you can,..it helps with the repair of pleasure and reward parts of the brain. I continue to emphasize the importance of a good healthy diet, drinking plenty of water,....exercise is important as well,...get him to at least go for a 30 minute or so walk with you every day,....or as often as possible. Just a simple walk helps with the depression he'll feel. More exercise the better.... I wish you and him all the best,...if I can help any, I'll help all I can,.... -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 15, 2012, 3:39 PM
This is an excellent post, J1M...as usual. Lots of good and important stuff in a short post...go you =)
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Posted: March 19, 2012, 6:55 AM
Thanks for the above reply J1M...it has been very helpful, and much appreciated.
Just so I understand my situation a bit better, will my husband suffer from depression for the rest of his life because of his drug use??? This is really confusing me, because my husband seems so much happier when his not using. But the moment he gets in a mood, he isolates himself, which I can assume is to fight the craving and if he can't shake it off he uses. I go in circles trying to work out the best way to help him, but i feel he doesn't let me in. As a result I drive myself insane, by the end its like a ticking time bomb, waiting for another hit and recovery. I really hope this recovery clinic helps him, as I feel i'm at a point where I cannot keep going in circles like this. I have told my husband that this is his last chance at making our family work, because emotionally i cannot do this anymore...i have reached a point where i feel this suitation has changed me so much i cannot recognise myself. | ||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 19, 2012, 10:12 AM
True enough, YOU are driving YOU insane. You can make a different choice. This is his, belongs completely to him...you cannot help him in the way you want to...so instead, opt to help you. The less you focus on him, the easier it is for him to focus on himself. It would be of help to you to visit the family board and see what our veteran spouses are doing. Peace ~ MomNMore This post has been edited by MomNMore on March 19, 2012, 10:13 AM -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: March 19, 2012, 3:44 PM
As usual, wise words from MomNMore. Posting on the friends and family board will help give you the support YOU need,....
I know more about things from a users point. Recovery from meth was a trip,...the depression although it seems to be the major issue is not always a problem. The first few years of my recovery could be best described a a heck of a roller coaster ride. After the first few months I would experience days of feeling great! Feeling like the worst was over I'd relax. Then out of the blue,..depression and cravings for meth would hit me like a fast freight train....Isolating myself is exactly what I would do,....still do from time to time but I think it's more of my present life situation than a meth issue. It was and still is difficult for me to distinguish between real life normal issues and what is a result of my years of abuse,....Just hope and pray he is learning and holding on to the tools and techniques to live without using. It's a tough road, again, wouldnt hurt to be supportive and an upbeat person to him as long as he is doing what he should be. You need to take care of you! and the only person that can help him is him, God willing he'll see that in order to share a life with you,..HE has to deal with his issues -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: March 19, 2012, 3:50 PM
After he is home, if he's struggling and would like,...I'm here for him,...it helped me immensly just chatting and venting to others who have gone thru or going thru same thing.
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posted: June 9, 2012, 2:48 PM
Hi,
Having an addict husband makes me insane, my kids just love him much, and i dont want them to get hurt if i decide to leave him, my eldest is at 6 and somehow i know he is aware that me and his dad is not doing good together anymore. How can i explain to him the truth about his father? How can i start our life without him? | ||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: June 9, 2012, 9:24 PM
Your child will soon be equally aware that his dad is not like other dads, especially if he's a meth addict. If living this way is not good for you, then how can you be a good parent? You can love him, but you can't love him clean, only he can do that. It's not easy to let them go, but it can be done.
Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
Posts: 1
Joined: June 21, 2012
Posted: June 21, 2012, 1:46 AM
Hello to all you young or older women involved in a relationship with a meth addict. My heart goes out to you. My first husband (now he is dead) abused meth for 15 to 20 years. For about 5 of those years I didn't know about his addiction. Well one of his friends told me about it. Believe me, I tried everything to get him off that cursed drug. Being a Christian lady I fasted, prayed, threatened, fought, the list is endless. The situation was strange. His parents owned the house where we lived. We got married when we were only 20 years old. We had three children. All grown up now. I was always faithful to him and he dragged home stacks and stacks of pornography. I'm talking mountains of magazines. He was into canning. That's when a person drives around and picks through trash cans and takes trash. We lived on an acre of land and he filled up the whole acre with trash. I was fed up with that. One day after being a faithful wife for about 20 years. I decided to leave him and all his drug abuse, his trash, his tweekers. I took my two daughters with me. I said to him, " I've had it with you, you can take all the drugs you want, you can drink all the alcolhol you want, you can f*** any tramp in town that you want. I'm sick of you, your trash, your drugs, your tweekers, your tramps!!!!!! We also had a poor sex life due to his failing health, diabetic condition, high blood pressure, and some other strange sickness.
I gave him up to do whatever he wanted. I met this man from Canada and I fell into a relationship with him. Well my drugged out husband couldn't stand me having any joy in my life so he stoled my car and started stalking me. The man from Canada left because he couldn't stand all the stress and trouble. Finally I had my tweeker husband arrested for stalking me. Well then he starting calling me and promised to get off drugs and change. He followed me around town and begged me in public to go back with him. So against my better judgement, and since he was the father of my three children, I went back with him. Guess what he never took that drug again. Four years later he died from internal bleeding of an old ulcer. He also had a very bad back, bone spurs that cut off his spinal cord. He lost his ability to walk. After I went back to him his health failed day by day. In the last month, he couldn't walk to the bathroom and I had to empty out his urinal, I gave him sponge baths, I fed him, I emptied the bucket where he pooped. After he died I was devestated. Can you believe that people actually blamed his death on me? I still don't understand that. Once I nearly killed myself, because I really believed it was my fault that he died. I wanted to throw myself into the raging water at the aquaduct in February. But a man came along and spent hours talking to me, he said,"When you gave your husband that pain medicine, did you give it to him to help him or to hurt him?" I said," I gave him the pain medicine to help him, because he was suffering from so much pain." Just recently his mother accused me that it was my fault that he died. She said I was a mean wife and that's why he took meth. My own son blamed me also. I guess they don't know about all the fasting and prayers that I said for him all those years. Before he died, I said the prayer of salvation with him and I read the bible to him and with him. I forgave him for all that he did to hurt me and the family. Yet even now 11 years later, people still blame me for his death. This is done when they are either angry with me or they can't control me. People love to blame others, but the only one to blame for my husbands death was himself and the devil. My heart goes out to every man, woman, parent, child or who ever is dealing with a loved one on meth. Meth really goes deep into the persons mind. It causes a person to lose their spirit, they become empty, like the devil. Meth destroys a person spirit, mind, and body. A person addicted to meth is not the same person that is normal. They change into a dark, mean, hateful stranger. Please don't just let this person consume your life. You do need to take some serious action. Find a way to leave that person. Get away from that person on meth. That is the only way that meth freak will change. People addicted to meth are prisoners of a drug made by evil people. God bless you and take care Olive Oil This post has been edited by Olive Oil on June 22, 2012, 1:21 AM | ||
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Posted: June 22, 2012, 2:22 AM
HARD...SO AGREE...THANK YOU .
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Posted: December 7, 2012, 4:25 PM
I am battling the same problem. I'm with someone that's been doing meth behind my back. He was smoking it for the first time like 3 years ago. His brother introduce him to it and I hate him for it. I married him a year ago and swear I will never will if I knew. While I was gone on a vacation for a month he was on meth mode. I heard all about it when I got back. I was upset with myself more than I was with him. Asking why did I marry him?? What am I doing. See I know how a meth use acts and what they do. He was doing the same with me, he labels me as this bad person, blames me for everything only God knows what. I don't have any more options. I'm physically and emotionally ruined by it. I am a hard working woman with 3 jobs, and 2 kids and all about my family. He has everything in front of him and I don't understand why he chooses to use. He has a good job and a life..So how can I deal with it????? What is my next step??? I know rehab is not going to help because he is in denial...Please help me. Thank u
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Posted: December 11, 2012, 1:50 AM
I have the same problem as you are... i have 2 daughters and my eldest is already 11...... for more than 12 years of our relationship being together and 8 years of marriage...... this is the first time...... early this morning that i caught him in the act using it....... and nothing came to my mind but to let him out of my house.......To tell the truth, for those years that im struggling with this matter, this is the only time i fight with him that not even one single tear came to my eyes........ i feel such a relief that once in my life, i have decided one right thing......... This is the problem we have eversince i born my 1st baby....... i tried, believe, and i done everything to please him......but, it aint' work ayt'.... when this morning came, i dont know the reasons y, at early in the morning, my daughter's celfone alarmed and at that exact time, i cant feel anything but hatred and dismay.... this is the very special day of my freedom........
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Posted: December 16, 2012, 9:19 AM
My wife is in the same position as you all are. For about 10 years I have been on and off the ice. Through out this time I have put wife on an emotional roller coaster. Over the 10 years I have had 4-5 breaks, longest being one year and half. I done a rehab program in April of this year which helped me understand my addiction alot better. Things were going great. I was loving life. But then somehow over the past couple of months I started to slip back to bad daily habits and before I knew it the drugs got the better of me. Seeing the tears in wife eyes tore me to bits. But I have tried many times in the past to stop for her sake but never succeeded. Thank God I found the will power to want to stop again because I want to stop.
Behind every addict there is an underlying emotional issue that we don't know how to deal with. Some might not even be aware that there is an issue (hence the denial). After two weeks off the drugs you start getting clarity back in the brain. With the drug cloud lifted thats when some user will come terms that there maybe a problem. This post has been edited by living_on_a_prayer on December 19, 2012, 11:20 PM -------------------- If you always do what you have done.. You'll aways be what you have been!!! | ||
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Posted: January 29, 2013, 2:53 AM
I and my boyfriend as been separated for a long period, I cam across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man Drupesa that helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help upesasepelltemple@gmail.com | ||
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Posted: February 14, 2013, 5:28 AM
Me and my husband has been together for 11 years and married for 5 months. It's been 2 months since he lost his job. He doesn't seem to want to work. He blames me for every action he does wrong. He has the weight lose and rarely sleeps and if he does t's days before he is fully awake. My daughter's gold bracelet just went missing...I refuse to stick around...it takes 2 make the relationship work...He refuses till this very moment...I will leave him and his not aware that I plan to hide all our electronic stuff...I can't let my kids see how he is..He barely even talks to them unlike before...I just pray that he realizes sooner..I love my husband and I can't help that it's Valentine's Day and his still sleeping since I left this morning..May GOD help him...
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