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Posted: January 4, 2015, 2:32 PM
Hi everyone! I am 17 years old.
I want to share with you my story about marijuana addiction and ask you for opinion about my chances to recover from negative symptoms described bellow. I note that I had negative psychological symptoms before my marijuana addiction which were I believe causal to my habit - I will try describe them. I had low self esteem since I was little child and even though I was not very emotional at my early childhood and I maintained the feeling of calmness even when I was bullied at school etc. the situation made some imprint which I can notice now clearly - not in sense that I am a victim but a simple set of occurences in my surrounding and the value I gave to the authority aka. teacher, older kids, brother which all were not nice and were bullying me, caused that I developed sense that there must be something wrong with me and that the "big other" in my life is very pissed at the fact that I exist - as I noted at the beggining I was very calm and I keept my cool so even I had very low self esteem my parents did not noticed anything. It is hard to describe but I noticed from retrospective that the stuff or situation that gave me biggest mental discomfort were usual things - certain forms of language, ways of eating, ways of storing food etc. and I believe that this may suggest that I as individual have a little bit of schizoidal-narcissistic personality or I am predisposed to a problems which developed later: I started to experience periodical feelings of depersonalization - derealization at age 10 that were probably caused by a supressed anxiety and the start of puberty. And by the fact that it was periodical I got the contrast of ok - not ok. Then around age 12 it stayed like that and i had constant DP/DR till around 15 years. Then I got into smoking pot and I did so alone and with intention of self healing and self exploration at first - trough constant searching about the DP/DR I came across topics like shamanism and changed states of conciousness etc. - and I was 1 hit per week user for about 3 months untill I one session gave me panic attack. I visited psychiatrist and I was not satisfied with it so I realized I had to fight on my own and that caused me being active as never before, my depersonalisation dissolved as i challenged my thoughts etc. I stopped pot consumption totally.When I entered high school I had been offered MJ almost all the time but I resisted. Then Lyme Disease came to my life and I had experienced several psychological and physical symptoms that did not allowed me to function normally and caused debilitating harm to my social and inner situation. I was desperate when after several antibiotics I still had the symptoms and I tried to relieve them with MJ. I became almost daily smoker of different amounts - sometimes gram sometimes less per day with short periods of abstinence - sometimes medicated models and sometimes heavy skunk. I was under psychologist supervision because of lyme but they did not noticed anything as I was getting better - back pursuing my passions, getting positive etc as the lyme symptoms were supressed. Now I know that I was not honest with myself and my surrounding in the last month and the MJ was not helping anymore and I used the lyme for excussing my pot use - I was forced to stop again after 4 months of use. I still have lyme symptoms even they are getting better but I literally feel my frontal lobes disconnected, my anxiety getting close to apocalyptic fears and I am starting to experience hallucinations, in social setting I am close to ameba and my thoughts have reduced to a failed attempts of making a sense of anything or manic paranoid pictures or associations. I try to motivate myself, exercise, have a goals and have hope for an change so I will notice possibility when it comes but I am afraid that I done inevitable damage to my brain and that I am mental ruin for rest of my life and that the possibility to get out of this burning cage will never come. I am now short time without a pot use and probably my hooked body did not even started getting THC out of my system but - I want to ask you guys for an advice or honest word, suggestion of literature for that topic - can my brain repair from teenage marijuana use by making an effort, trying hard or I will be burned like that for end of my life unable to develop and grow even if I will try? I also apologize for my english - not my native language - and maybe too unimportant details and exhibitionism. I think I am ready for a option that I done irreversible damage to myself - probably nobody can know that but - I call to the cyber space SOS anyway! | ||
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Posted: January 4, 2015, 10:11 PM
It sounds like you have and are experiencing deeper emotional psychological problems that have predated your use of marijuana to perhaps submerge them.
of course your bout with Lyme Disease is another important influential factor regarding your sense of mental well-being....although your fear of a pot addiction and its' repercussions on your life is truly valid....it sounds like your inability to wrestle with your mental demons devoid of your drug use is the main issue here. just venturing a guess...do not mean to be cruel | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: January 4, 2015, 10:54 PM
enli:
Your thinking sounds just like mine was. I suggest you look up Narcotics Anonymous in your area (in the phone book or online www.na.org ) and attend some meetings. You will find a lot of folks there just like you. You will feel at home in no time. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: January 5, 2015, 5:46 AM
PB, how long were you a potsmoker for?
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Posted: January 28, 2015, 4:44 PM
Without the use of any assisting drugs, the best you can do is try to move on with life and take vitamin supplements, exercise and stay healthy. Given time, the body will always attempt to return to a natural equilibrium (simple homeostasis). By allowing yourself plenty of time to recover you should be able to at least stabilize yourself a lot more in the coming years. Check this out for additional help (it's useful regardless of pot smoking): http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=21&t=75644
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Posted: February 10, 2015, 7:16 PM
Hi! Its been a few weeks and I am doing better and better. Because I have persisting anxiety issues in more severe form, it was a hard time for determing development of the symptoms and states caused or amplified by my use of MJ but the most important thing for me is that fog from the green had improved and I am getting slowly "the juice" -emotional connection with percieved - into my life back. Also I noticed very strong motivational introspective trace and that is - what I could become if I did not invested so much time into smoking and being obsessed with MJ - those pictures I get from this are my daily bread because I interact a lot with people who remind me my old interests etc. The pictures were providing me with pretty nasty self talks at first - now they are more than a positive and welcomed thoughts because I perceive them like "lost in haze" lessons making their way home. When I feel that my "prefrontal lobe" is "jammed" I use significant but safe dose of caffeine - i can not specify because everyone is different and I figured my amout over time - and it helps me with not falling into the dreamy state of non-being and helps also with my social anxiety and low self confidence which resulted from not being able to respond quickly and my emotional numbness combined - sounds like addiction for stimulative agents is being born in my head but I keep it only at the level of strong morning coffee x2 and I am planning to decrease my coffeine intake over time. Also I don't experience any cravings even I was offered a puff several times and the plant is gone from my mind for now. Have a nice day all and sorry for my language!
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