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Posted: August 20, 2013, 10:38 PM
Hi,
i am really a recovering alcoholic....i once had 22 years clean but i slipped and now i have about 2 and half years clean. I am going thru a very rough time both physically and mentally. I have developed a disease that makes it virutally impossible to walk at times and the pain and numbness becomes unbearable. i cannot take pain killers or have not been issued them due to my addiction with alcohol....the Veteran's Hospital is very strict about that. I am terribly depressed....i tried to take my life this past January....i actually went on one of those supposedly anonymous on line suicide help websites but when they found out i swallowed a whole bunch of pills the next thing i know it the police were at my door dragging me off to the ER for a stomach pump and a nut ward stay. There is so much in the news lately about legalizing marijuana that i struggled so much both morally and spiritually about getting some it was making me ill. Everybody is doing it but AA has conditioned and convinced me that a drug is a drug is a drug and so on. I see my friend who is stoned all the time and changes so radically for the worse as opposed to when he is straight. He risks losing his job which is working with other recovering addicts ironically and his ambition and his morals have gone down the toilet so to speak. He has try to convince me that there is nothing addictive or deleterious about weed and offered me a joint even tho he knew i was in recovery for alcohol addiction. I broke down and bought 3 joints from him today.....just promising myself that i would only use them if the pain got too bad or i wanted to off myself (which i have been feeling of late.) Even tho the guy acts like such an a****** stoner with no cares in the world i envy his happiness and filling the 'void'. The truth is i am sick and feel like i sold out for having purchased those joints and scared that smoking those joints will lead me back into picking up a drink but now they are saying that pot is no longered considered a 'gateway' drug. I feel like such a loser but yet i can't flush those joints down the toilet.... thanx for listening anyway | ||
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Posted: August 21, 2013, 8:53 AM
overtheedge
I wish I had answers. All I really can say is that i can identify to some degree how you feel. If I wasnt aware of that nagging statistic about how suicide makes it 'much more likely' your children would also commit suicide I would have been on the edge where you are now. Even knowing this , I have to admit that at times I have thought about it way to much for comfort. But I wont do it, and deep down I know this. So I try to focus on things which will bring me out of this spiral. When I have relapsed in the past , I did so more than any other reason so I could quiet these thoughts. Drugs numb, they kill the pain. A drug like marijuana can do this short term so it is very tempting to get stoned rather than deal with such heavy issues. The problem is it is only a short term solution. As you probably know with alcohol, in the beginning it will make you happy, brighter, optimistic,etc... But continued use will only make this harder and harder to achieve until finally it does the opposite - it makes things much, much worse! I am a poor example of how to deal with drugs. I have been on again off again with MJ and lately the synthetic for almost 30 years. I went 7 years having kicked the habit, but the problems were still there, I just didnt know it. The real problem with pot is that it contains more than one drug. If the good part could be isolated and taken as a medicine it could actually be a solution. However, if you smoke the drug you have to take the bad with the good and you will eventually do more harm than good. I would not suggest doing it throughout the day to anyone. It will help you sleep though - but at what cost? You have to focus on the spiritual side of things - you mentioned that in your post and so therein lies the answer. I can tell you are experiencing pain, not just physical , but mental as well. This does not mean you are 'nuts'. It just means you are sensitive and feel things much more deeply than others. Use this to strengthen your faith. Talk to others as much as possible about what you are feeling. Keeping these things inside only make them seem greater thatn they really are. I know when I have been to this point I just remind myself of how much worse it would be on the other side should I mess up and take such drastic action like suicide. Pain here is temporary - Hell, if it truly does exist, would be everlasting. I have played the game of "maybe I wont go to hell, or maybe there is just nothing" but really, why even flirt with that possibility if there is any chance at all it does exist. It really would be like going from the frying pan into the fryer! What we really lack is hope, and that stems from how we think out our problems. If you blame yourself for problems, constantly beat yourself up for mistakes, it will take its toll long term and eventually you will want to act out the frustration upon yourself. We need to break this cycle! You beat it by reaching out to others worse off than yourself. By doing things for others you build yourself up , because you will have value - And you do have value!! You have experiences which need to be shared. You have life lessons people can learn from. You have people in your life who love you and it will put a hole in their life should you succumb to the pain and make the ultimate mistake. So dont give up! I would say dont smoke if you think it will make things worse. But if you decide to do this - Dont beat yourself up about it. Just because you became an alcoholic doesnt necessarily mean you will do the same with pot. But if you are conflicted on a moral or spiritual basis - DONT do it - it will just make the guilt and self loathing that much worse. I made a peace with drug use last year because of a dire financial situation. It made things worse. Worse because people were afraid to connect with me because of their own opposition to what I was doing - I didnt hide it. They didnt approve, so they got very strong willed in forcing me to see it the same way. It ended up costing me some of the closest relationships in my life! I dont want to advocate drug use at any level. I've run my own experiments and know what I will do when things get to a certain point. I will never get to a place where I will use all day every day as a way of living again. You probably also recognize this and that is why you are so conflicted. What you really need is to talk to the people in your life that you can trust. For example, the friend who gave you the joints. Both of you can help each other, but if you avoid him entirely because of the pot, you will just eliminate someone who is struggling in the same way you are. People did this to me and the isolation is much worse than the drug use ever was!! I hope I didnt make things worse. You reached out - I reached back. You are not alone in your struggles. If there is anything you want to ask - please do... | ||
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Posted: August 21, 2013, 9:18 PM
Thank you so much for your lengthy reply.....i was kinda hoping someone would try to talk me out of smoking those three recently purchased joints....tucked neatly away at the bottom of the drawer but entirely not forgotten unfortunately.
One thing i know for sure is that 'me' is waiting at the end of each joint and when the smokes clear i will be right back where i was before....only now with a monkey on my back perhaps. I don't want to become a stupid vapid a-hole like the guy that sold me the joints....trust me he has no intention of giving the stuff up and neither does he believe he is addicted....but he is another place mentally where the sun always shines and the music never stops playing. I believe heaven might be like that so that is why i'd rather check out than check in...but i am going to resisit smoking that stuff as long as i can....hey maybe i can die sober as the proverbial cowboy dies with his boots on. God Bless | ||
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Posted: August 22, 2013, 12:28 AM
overtheedge
You seem much healthier mentally than you give yourself credit for. A strong will , and a spirit which comes across to me as one as of a survivor. I'm not sure what other things in life ails you. but I believe that you possess the qualities that will enable you to defeat the temptation and current depression you are experiencing. Depression is chemically related. Whether it is mild or not is something that only a professional can decide. But I know from what I experience myself that if you can handle the highs of life, you are equipped to handle the lows as well. Sometimes we just need to feel the pain. Sometimes feeling the pain is what will ultimately motivate us to make the real life changes necessary to actually get somewhere in life. My experience of the last year or so has taught me humility. Humility is not pleasant, in fact, it is downright awful at times. But it also serves a purpose as well. It makes it uncomfortable at times to even be in ones own skin. But still, when comfortable we will not be spurred into taking that next step in life that all of us should be striving to take. Complacency has its own problems. If there was something in your life that needed to be changed, whether it in thinking, attitute, or a relationship needing attention that had been neglected. Then humility and the awful depression that accompanies it at times can actually be a good thing if it eventually makes you so tired of feeling down that you are motivated to change your situation. So dont give up hope. Pour out your feelings and you will see them in a new light. Sometimes writing things out helps us actualize things that would never come to fruition if only kept in our head. There is no fear of rejection here, no judging, and certainly no condemnation. This anonymous message board can be a wonderful tool at times for working out the innermost feelings we would never tell those around us who know us. I'll offer up whatever messed up experiences I can. I do this because I have felt, and still feel , many of the same dark thoughts you expressed in your first post. My problem is that people around me wont understand - so I keep to myself for the most part. But since no one knows me here, I feel as though I can let loose and explore the thoughts that might scare those who know me. By writing things out I feel as though I can understand myself better. Hopefully this will work for you as well. til later... | ||
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Posted: August 23, 2013, 9:33 PM
DAV,
I was wondering if you would expound a bit about the sturggle to stop smoking marijuana negative aspects of the drug that you encountered over time? Those 3 joints are still sitting at the bottom of my drawer...i am too much of a coward to throw them out but i am also a coward about actually smoking them. I had to quit smoking cigarettes over a year ago due to the nature of my illness and i couldn't use the patch either. I had been smoking for about 25 years...a pack to two packs a day. Unfortunately i have gained weight despite efforts to diet and when i am stressed out i have incredible cravings. I tried to contact the head of the Suicide Prevention Center at my local VA but could only leave a message...just need someone to talk to...should go into the hospital perhaps. thanx for listening and mayhaps responding | ||
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Posted: August 23, 2013, 10:25 PM
overtheedge
The problems I had with quitting marijuana really werent that bad at all. When I had smoked a lot over a long period of time it was a little harder because of the psychological side. I had gotten used to doing everything in my life high so it seemed like I had a big hole in my life. But physically , I experienced some insomnia for a few weeks , I was irritable , even angry a couple of days to a week or so afterward. But once you get 10-14 days away it really wasnt that bad. But then again that was me.... One thing I will tell you is that different drugs affect different people in different ways. ( man that was redundant) Marijuana was my drug of choice because I knew what to expect , and knew I could control it. But short term use is different than , say going for 4 months where I would smoke all day every day. If you are experiencing depression on the scale it sounds you are you might actually benefit from the anti-depressants that a doctor can prescribe. I know I sound off on taking these at times, but when you are to the point that you are really thinking about carrying out a suicide it is time to try anything. Oddly enough, when I felt like I was really depressed I would go back to the synthetic or even pot because I knew I could get away with a short binge and not have a problem with quitting. So if you are to the point where you are at your wits end I wouldnt worry about smoking the joints you have. If the alternative is something much more dire, and you think you cant handle it on your own you have to do anything you can to keep from going through with something so final like suicide. In all honesty , I dont think a few joints will cause you much of a problem aside from guilt. I know this is the wrong message to send out on a recovery site, but a small escape at a time of severe mental anguish is exactly what pot is good for. It is the everyday habit that ends up causing the problems in life that I want to avoid. If I could just smoke every other day , or even just a little at night, I wouldnt consider that a problem. Sometimes knowing you have something to ease the suffering at the end of the day makes the rest of the day easier to cope with. I offer this advice grudgingly, because it sounds like I am advocating smoking pot. But you might actually have the problem of it not doing much at all for you. Like I said, different drugs affect people in different ways. I have had people tell me that pot doesnt even really get them high. But I know what to expect, what I am looking for, and it used to do the trick short term. Just dont start waking up and smoking it all day long! | ||
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Posted: August 23, 2013, 10:29 PM
overtheedge
To answer your first question though. I dont think you will have a problem with just 3 joints. I wouldnt expect any withdrawal at all from so little an amount. And if you smoke one at night? You will probably just fall asleep a little while after doing so. For me, the best thing about pot was the sleep! Hope this helps | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 2:03 AM
Firstly let me apologize for calling you DAV instead of DAC...
Once again i was hoping you could tell me by your personal experiences with pot...what specifically caused you to stop....how was it interfering with your life. The guy that sold me the pot in the first place has turned into someone due to his marijuana addiction that i myself don't want to become. After 6 years of not having a job...mostly due to his world revolvig around pot...he finally managed to secure employment by staying straight until he could pass the initial drug test. 2 months into the job he has started both smoking and running pot because he works the third shift and he feels they will never give him a random drop during those late hours. Ironically he works with Vets who are homeless and in recovery and the job itself promotes a spiritual and drug-free work place. Whereas before he wanted to work as many hours as possible when he first started...now he ignores phone calls from work to come in and he still owes a bit of momey that i leant him during those 'lean' years. There must of been a good reason why you tried quitting at times.. thanx | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 7:35 AM
overtheedge
I quit because I have children 7,8,13,20 and 25. Everyone in my family is against it. I told my wife, older son, and my best friend. From there it spread to EVERYONE I knew in this world. This wasnt about pot, it was the synthetic, same thing in terms of what they knew though. I didnt even use it all day every day - that's what was particularly offensive. Once the stubborness kicked in about drug use they would do anything to get me to quit. Even during the times I wasnt doing anything. You see, I was under enormous stress at the time, I was already ready to snap. So when my son rufused to work with me to protest my use, he told the guys who worked for me why and they started calling in. The last time he tried this trick and left me stranded and buried under work, we had words and he moved out. Then my wife and got into it and in anger (no not while high) I hit a shower door that fell on her greatly upsetting her and causing her to got to the one friend I had confided in - and he sent her to a shelter. They called the police, I got arrested, spent 4 days in jail. When I got out I had lost 1/3 of my business over this, was fired as a coach of my kids baseball team (something I loved), and was not allowed to teach Sunday School any longer! So to answer your question I had to quit because people around me took such a hard stance that I couldnt do it. I didnt want to set a bad example for my younger children. It was one thing to do this at night when they were in bed, another to have it thrown in my face in front of them because people would stoop to that to be forceful with me. Also, I was on church boards and had much respect , what I did at night was my business - but it became everyone's business after they knew about it. I should have never told them, I trusted them - my mistake. I had smoked pot in the winter only for some 20 years and they never knew it. It didnt affect me in that way. I would quit during my mowing season because it made it harder to keep my energy level up. When you smoke all day long you just cant work 12-15 hours a day doing physical labor. It does make you much more tired. It is also illegal now and I wouldnt risk getting in trouble before. The synthetic was not illegal and I went back to it because of some very bad financial stuff I had gone through the previous 3-4- years which was drought related. All of these problems were during a spell where I had gone 7 years completely clean, I only smoked towards the end because I couldnt sleep. I thought the synthetic was like pot in that it would help me sleep - that was a huge mistake because the synthetic made everything much much worse in that regards. So I really quit for other people - not myself. But if I only do it a short time - no one even knows, so I have slipped a few times the past six months. If you want to learn more, I have written extensively on the 'other drugs' board under the topic synthetic weed. I never felt like pot had a grip on me though. I picked it up and put it down many times at will over the past 30 years. Mostly 4months on - 8 months off - that is on this message board. I usually check this site in the morning 7-9am. Or at night when I get home 9-10. If you have any thing else you want to ask I have no problem sharing.. til later | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 10:49 PM
"So to answer your question I had to quit because people around me took such a hard stance that I couldnt do it"
I don't get it and i am kind of disappointed...it sounds like you really didn't want to quit and that you would be continuing to use if it weren't for people around you giving you such a hard time about it. I thought that people posted on these boards because they were struggling with an addiction due to the drug of their individual choice. I have learned in the rooms as far as dealing with my alcohol addiction that you really can't quit for anybody but yourself and admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, It doesn't sound like you believe there was any personal down side to smoking pot or perhaps you are still in denial a bit. I don't mean to sound harsh or offensive but i guess you just weren't giving the answer i so desired. i am in a very bad place mentally right now...forgive me | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 11:19 PM
overtheedge
I am not offended - and I dont think I am in denial either. I have been able to put down MJ every time I wanted to no problem. The synthetic was a problem because it was far more addictive and there are definite withdrawal symptoms with it. If you want to put it in traditional perspective - just consider I quit for a higher power. The higher power being the real one (God) and the one I mentioned - my kids. I dont live my life for me really. My first priority is to provide for my family and to set a good example for my children. If my kids knew I was OK about smoking pot, then they would think it is ok and I do not want to have that negative influence on them. I do not want them to go down the path I have gone! My relationship with my younger children is awesome. They would be greatly conflicted if they knew I was smoking something. You see, most of the time I ever got high it was alone, in secret, and I had no worries that anyone knew anything. Now that they know ? Or at least knew I had smoked pot? I cant keep smoking because it might corrupt them! Hope this makes sense! | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 10:04 AM
overtheedge
I just want to mention briefly. A LITTLE of any drug is not really a bad thing - even alcohol. If you could just have a 1-2 beers a day and that was it, alcohol wouldnt hurt you physically. Same with pot. So I dont have a problem with it in that regard. It is the all day/dependency type of use that is bad for us. Hope that made sense! | ||
Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012
Posted: August 25, 2013, 11:17 PM
Hi Overtheedge, Please don't give up. I believe you already know what choice you should make, based on what you've written here. You say you want the happiness your friend has. No offense, but do really think not caring which way the wind blows is the definition of happiness? Think on that, (please). For such a person as yourself to deliberately kill your brain cells would be a tragedy. You seem like such a warm and intelligent soul. I'm sorry you are having such struggles. I'm here telling you- don't do those joints! You've come too far, survived so much, please do not discard that as if it were nothing! I am an alcoholic. I know that I am capable of becoming addicted to almost anything. Right now I'm hooked on Spider Solitaire for goodness sakes! If I smoked weed today, would I want another tomorrow? Truth is, I don't know. I do know that it's not worth it to find out. In addition to that I have a question. If you were to smoke them, and get yourself in a "don't care about s*** state", what's to restrain you from taking a drink? Hang in there soldier. I believe in you. May God bless you and guide you.~K
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Posted: August 26, 2013, 11:01 PM
Karrester,
Both you and DAC have given me a wealth of information and insight but my depression has become so entrenched that it feels so hard to breathe at times. My sister keeps calling me nightly to see if i am still alive but i resent it and view it as a form of control. She has on many occasion both threatened and has called the police on me when i refused to pick up the phone. She is only allaying her conscience for the moment but she does not offer me any real solutions...as she lives over 400 miles away and is involved in her own life. I saw this docmentary 'How to Die in Oregon' and they actually opened with an elderly terminally ill man taking the crushed up 600mgs of phenobarbital and before he nodded off he look into the camera and said it was the best thing he ever did. I am in constant pain daily but i am not terminally ill physically but i might as well be mentally....i absolutely hate being alive. I can't seem to smoke those joints however nor have i turned to the bottle yet. I am sure i will shock the guy that sold me the pot when i tell him i still haven't smoked those joints yet. He gets sore when i when i refuse to smoke with him. I am sorry but he turns into this mindless stupid...couldn't care less about anything doper but yet he is happy.I have seen him when he comes down off of pot and he is angry and can't sleep but his drive comes back and he wants to be proactive in his life once again. What to do...what to do...... | ||
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Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012
Posted: August 26, 2013, 11:40 PM
Hi Overtheedge, good to see you here again, that means you've made it one more day. In reality, we all just have the present, for none know when our time is up. So, you have a sis who wants to mother you? that's not an exclusive club, ya know? I'm #6, try that on for size. We're all Baby Boomers, about 2 years apart starting after Dad came home from WWII.
Can't say I know much about chronic pain. I would imagine it's not for the faint hearted. Surely there must be something that can be done about it. Are you positively sure there is no hope? I understand there is progress in medicine every day. If a cure could be found would that alleviate your depression? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand. I do know a bit about depression. In my case it was alcohol related. Sure, there were some tremendous losses for me, a divorce, lost my mother, just to name a few, but I found that self medicating only made it worse. I do want to point out, as you said, the "elderly man who was terminal" and what do you have in common with him? You are not terminal, as you also said. Are you elderly? Lastly, that friend of yours, the one who sold you the dope, he reminds me of that saying, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" Sounds to me like he's trying to drag you down. Keep in mind, in A A it is said, "Take what you need and leave the rest." So, if I've said a thing you didn't need, forget about it. My wish is only to help. ~K | ||
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Posted: August 27, 2013, 12:07 AM
overtheedge
Hang in there! Depression is something that can really grip us at times, but it too will run in cycles. Maybe just too much has happened lately for you to bounce back like you did when you where younger. I do know that suicidal ideating is not something you want to keep doing. This kind of thinking will eventually get closer and closer to becoming a reality and you really dont want that for real. You have mentioned a belief in the afterlife. If you have lived this long, endured this much, do you really want to chance messing with an uncertain eternity? These are questions I have asked myself in the past. I 'feel' like at times I havent wanted to live, but I could never do it for this reason - and because it would be such a terrible thing to put my family through. But I have noticed if I dwell on these feelings I am getting myself no-where. You have to find something that you can find peace in. Drugs arent the answer, I only suggested what I did earlier because if you were to the absolute end of your rope - the smoking might buy you some time to get some help or find a real solution. I have my own struggles when I have been down and away from drugs for extended periods. I know that drugs change the chemistry of the brain in people who have used them extensively. i am sure alcohol does the same. I also know that you have to retrain the brain by engaging in positive habits and activities in order to get that natural stimulation going again. There must be something that interests you, or someone you might want to reach out to. A book you want to read, a trip you might go on, even if it is just driving someplace relatively close. Familiar surroundings can be depressing all in themselves. But I am just throwing out suggestions. I know your situation is not easily fixed. But keep trying to find a way to get through the day. Keep reaching out, and stop thinking about an exit - you are not done yet! Find some way to keep getting up in the morning. If anything, your sister wants you around! Dont make her attend a funeral prematurely! You can get through this - you can persevere! | ||
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Posted: September 1, 2013, 10:06 PM
Closer and closer to the edge i go.....have you ever had one of those days when you are past the point of no return? Every day is a sentence...an endless expanse of time one has to labor through....constant physical pain....i can't remember what it is like to have a normal pair of legs.
Far too young to be hobbling along at a snail's pace with a walker or confined to a wheelchair when my limbs have turned to stone. Where has the Creator gone...how have i disgraced myself before His Almighty Presence....A Higher Power that has become impossible to touch. Those joints,however, are still neatly wrapped in plastic at the bottom of my dresser drawer...why have they not been smoked...am i not certainly at the edge...slipping fingers so easily pried open...perhaps life is not done with me yet....or the fear of being cast into the abyss affords a slender thread to cling to. | ||
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Posted: September 1, 2013, 11:42 PM
overtheedge
Keep finding things in life that you can find become invoved in. People , events, any kind of gathering or group. Connecting with people is one thing that can help. Isolation , especially if in pain, can make life seem very bleary indeed. Have you talked in depth with your sister about your feelings? Are there others in your family you could share with? I know some resist it (especially me) but there are many things online like facebook and skype that can help connect if distance is a problem. The only real advice I can give is to try and do things that will lead to positive thinking. We seem to self-actualize however we see our situation. If we think it dire, give up hope, we fall into a self-imposed trap that makes an 'ultimate escape' seem that much more desirable. But that would never be the answer. If you have experienced addiction with alcohol all those years you know what it is like to numb, to look for an escape. That pattern is just much more serious now because there are few things which will really provide you with a true escape. So look to the best part of the future. I'm not talking about your current situation, but how you can live what is left of life as something that demonstrates your faith. In the end, you only have one audience you are trying to please. The world will always be a cold place for people who are sensitive to its failings. But there is something much more, I can tell by your writing that you know this as well. Live for that! Live to hear the words "well done my good and faithful servant" and make a difference in the lives of others. Nothing will help you more than helping someone else who is worse off. I dont want to sound all cheery and positive in a false way. Believe me, I can be as cynical and negative as the worst people. But I often find myself irritated at myself for having done so. I hardly ever 'want' to do the positive things that bring me happiness...at least not in the beginning. But I am always glad I went through with these things when they involve connecting with others. You can get through this. You can find your way! You still have people who will benefit from your experience and perseverance. Dont do it for yourself - do it for them? Just try and make a difference to ONE person - and see how it lifts you up! Hang in there... | ||
Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: September 2, 2013, 4:57 AM
Dear over the edge,
I normally don't post on this board but I do read. Your story caught my eye. You wrote: Closer and closer to the edge i go.....have you ever had one of those days when you are past the point of no return? Every day is a sentence...an endless expanse of time one has to labor through....constant physical pain....i can't remember what it is like to have a normal pair of legs. I can so relate! I was to the point of telling my family to be prepared. You are not alone. Don't stay in that mode for too long. You are here for a reason. Sometimes we don't see the entire picture because we are so focused on the pain and finding ways to live with it. I have no legs and I'm blind in one eye. I got so tired of having to crawl around like a dog on my knees. I don't know what stopped me but within a year my first grandbaby was born. If I would have gone through with my plan, I would never had the chance to watch her grow. Ending it all is a permanent thing. There is no going back. Feelings come and go. Life is a rollercoaster ride. Look back and find something you can do that gave you joy. Looking at the cup as half full and not half empty helps. Physically you may not be able to do the things as before but find something you can do now. I am an addict and I know when I am sitting in a meeting listening to others share about where they are takes a lot of my pain away. Also, my girlfriend pulled me into volunteering at the food pantry every other week. It is the best therapy ever. And its free. I hope you choose to fight this battle. Have you thought about calling your old sponsor? Thanks for being here. | ||
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Posted: September 3, 2013, 2:25 AM
dawn4na,
you stated in your last post that you had no legs.. that you had to crawl around on all fours and were blind in one eye.....do you literally have no legs? I am almost blind in one eye myself due to Glaucoma which runs rampant in the immediate family...some members having lost their sight over time. You are so fortunate that you have children of your own including grandchildren....i myself have none of this...i have come into this world alone and i fear i shall exited it in the same manner. this is why i sorely need to bond with some form of Higher Being...to call upon his infinite mercy and wisdom when the twistings of pain writhe within my limbs..sitting alone in solitary agony...trying to make sense of it all....Ah but God has a purpose for me and i guess i am not fully hearing it and therein lies my sin. | ||
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