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1 Year Weed Clean - My Life Will Never Be The Same
bashyy1
Posted: December 10, 2012, 3:24 PM







Hello all, I'm Ben and new to the forum, hope your all okay.

Apologies in advance for this essay but I need help with what I'm going through as I feel I'll never be the same person I was before my weed addiction. (I'm 1 year clean after 5 years of daily hardcore stoner smoking)

Ok here it goes... a bit of background first.

I started smoking weed when I was around 17, after leaving school and splitting up with my First "love". I ended up handing around with the wrong crowd and got sucked into smoking weed. I was always MASSIVELY against drugs before this (I didnt even smoke cigs).

I was given my first pull on a joint and felt amazing/spaced/giggly. Before I knew it I was smoking weed every single day like cigarettes and generally all day. Spending £20 a day. For the first couple of months I was smoking for fun with "mates".

After them few months I was completely hooked, couldn't go through the day without thinking of smoking it untill I did. I can think of 1 or 2 days I went without smoking it. If I didn't have the money I'd sell my (xbox, computer, games) etc.... Yes I'm completely ashamed to say this but I did.

I lost my ex girlfriend due to being so moody when I didn't have weed, I also lost my job (computer analyst), I never spoke to my parents at all, My parents don't smoke and are extremely against drugs...I got kicked out of my parents house a once or twice.

After many intimate/argumentative discussions with my parents enough was enough and If I didn't quit weed I would be homeless. So it was time to quit...for good.

5th December 2011 was my very last spliff and I haven't had another to this day.

((For those of your who want to quit listen carefully.))

The first 4 or 5 weeks of going cold turkey was ABSOLUTE bloody hell (that's probably an understatement), never felt so bad in my life, INSANE cravings to go out and smoke. Very short temper. Didn't want to eat. But insomnia was the worst part, some nights I would get in bed and not sleep a single minute. Some nights I'd wake up after having really vivid nightmares and my body dripping with and sheets soaked in sweat.

If you can get past the first month or so of not smoking weed and you erase all of your weed smoker friends from your life like I did then your on the home straight, the cravings will stop and the rest will come naturally.

People who say "I'm gonna cut down first then quit".....NO....your just pre-longing it and It won't help anyway. Just keep your mind distracted from cravings.

I'm hoping the above will help somebody out there as If I can do it then anybody can.

Anyways back to the point:

I'm 1 year clean now and after many many many visits to the doctor I'm still having issues. NOT WITH CRAVINGS but Anxiety/Paranoia/Depression and being comfortable in my own skin.

I was prescribed Amitriptyline to help sleep (didn't work), Citalopram to help depression (Didn't work) and Prozac to help paranoia also didn't work and in my eyes made it worse.

Weed changed my personality HUGELY while smoking it (it made me into a bit of a ARSE really).

I've convinced myself during the time off drugs that I've done some sort of major brain damage and I'm never going to be the same person I was.
My anxiety is really bad, my self esteem and confidence is at its lowest.
I'm so paranoid that If i hear people laughing sometimes Ill think its about me. If somebody looks at me in the streets I get anxious and can't be myself. Always feel like somebody is watching what I'm doing and noticing every mistake I might make.

I feel like I don't have an opinion on anything, I feel everybody looks down on me and has an intellectual advantage over me.

I never talk, and if I do it always comes out wrong and sounds stupid or doesn't make sense.

If somebody is telling me a story on something I have massive difficulty in following what they are saying and taking in what they say. I feel like my IQ is so low I have a mental age of a 13 year old.

My memory has come back somewhat but It's nowhere near as good as what it was.

Generally I feel i'll never be the same person and I won't be happy with my life untill I feel normal again. Everyday I wake up and think "Oh well if somthing bad happens I can always kill myself and problem solved."

I do sudoku's alot to try and train my brain but nothing seems to work.

I just seem like I'm never "With it"

I will never be me again :'(

I'm currently on a dose of beta blockers to see how this helps my anxiety

I'm very lonely after quitting weed and I just want somebody to help me.

I appreciate very much those that have read my story and any help would be so much appreciated.

Thanks so much

Ben <3





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Posted: December 11, 2012, 8:49 AM


Posts: 1584
Joined: November 6, 2005



Ben: First congratulations on doing the next right things. Have you tried NA meetings? You will find hearing and talking with other people going through this comforting and helpful.

Have you ever heard about PAWS=it's symptoms that occurr..usually in moon cycles after heavy drug use. You should look it up knowing this helped my son when he was experiencing this. The harder the use the longer it takes the brain to heal.
It will get better just hang in there.
Living life on life's terms is not an easy feat for an addict but the rewards are more than worth it. You need supports to get you through this and I think that hitting some meetings and developing friendships from people who have good clean time will enable you to get through the rough patches.
This too shall pass.
God bless and congrats again!

--------------------
All things are possible through God.
Ask and you shall receive
Seek and you shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you

When you pray, you activate God's power.
Every time you pray something happens!
The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control.
Pray at stop lights.
Without faith it is impossible to please Him.
When you pray, pray for His will.
God is Good............all the time!!!!!
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Posted: December 11, 2012, 8:50 AM


Posts: 1584
Joined: November 6, 2005



PAWS-Post accute withdrawl symptoms I forgot to add what it was!

--------------------
All things are possible through God.
Ask and you shall receive
Seek and you shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you

When you pray, you activate God's power.
Every time you pray something happens!
The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control.
Pray at stop lights.
Without faith it is impossible to please Him.
When you pray, pray for His will.
God is Good............all the time!!!!!
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Guest
Posted: December 11, 2012, 1:08 PM







Be back later, Ben...lots to say but no time now...
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Posted: January 16, 2013, 9:18 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: January 16, 2013



I am just starting my recovery journey but I have read it can take up to 5 years for your brain to go back to it's previously functioning state. The first 2 years are supposedly the hardest. It makes sense though if you think about it.

I've been a hardcore heavy smoker for the last 10+ year and have been using regularly for 23 years. The road is a long one. Good luck and hang in there!
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Posted: April 5, 2013, 1:00 PM


Posts: 6
Joined: February 17, 2012



Well done for giving up for a year you have done so well now at 17 many would say we are still children and don't know ourselves yet so if you started at smoking at 17 they say while your constantly stoned you don't progress mentally while you are stoned so you are still at the mental age of 17 that's ok though you can change this you just need to push yourself to do things I know it is extremely hard but you have to push yourself it's the only way you'll overcome the anxiety I pushed myself to go swimming so I could meet new people and loose weight and get fit at first I couldn't even walk in the swimming pool without my Mum by my side I insisted she meet me outside the doors now a couple of months on I go alone at the start I was so anxious and paranoid on the verge of a panic attack thinking people will think I look fat what if I can't swim this time etc I didn't want to go but I pushed myself and it's done me the world of good now I go there and I still get a bit anxious but I've come on leaps and bounds now obviously you don't have to do the same as me and go swimming but you could go to the gym, take a class, go back to college anything that will help you progress and meet new people. Now when the chance comes to talk to a new person they are either going to think your great or not like you it's nothing to do with you just different people get on with different people so just be yourself if they like you great if not then who cares just keep meeting people untill you find friends never think you sound stupid you are who you are people worth knowing will see through your shyness and see you for the good person you are. Also the frame of mind your in do you think it could be your subconcious telling you this is too hard I don't want to do this I'm too scared I'm going to give up and fall back to how I was if you think this is the case you need to change that line of thought as yes life and social situations are hard and you still have a lot of hard work to do but you can do it you will be happy will just take a bit more time and effort you have come so far already gone through the hardest part don't give up now good luck :)
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Curious
Posted: May 28, 2013, 9:38 PM







Ben,....you haven't relapsed....have you? You sounded so negative in your last post and you never mentioned anything about seeking the aid of 12 Step Group Therapy.

Let us know how you are doing
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Nancy
Posted: December 4, 2013, 10:30 PM







I have been clean, for a month now, and I feel I will never be the same, I have been a heavy smoker for the past five years, and I feel paranoid and anxious all the time, I have finally started to dream again, but I feel depressed all the time, and feel everyone notices me and it is hard for me to even get up in the morning and want to get out of bed. I am going to try to go to meetings, as I need to be around people who are experiencing the same thing I am going through. I am proud I have not smoked for a month, as my appetite is starting to come back, but I feel my head is not attached to my body, like I do not know who I am anymore, I am so mad at myself for thinking marijuana would never be harmful. I will probably never the same, I cannot shake the depression, that is the hardest part, I just feel like I cannot have any friends, as I am never fun to be around anymore.....
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Nancy
Posted: December 4, 2013, 10:39 PM







I wish I could meet you Ben, cause your symptoms are the same as mine, ACTUALLY THE EXACT SAME, ESPECIALLY FEELING LIKE EVERYONE IS WATCHING ME, I TOO, HAVE BEEN TO MANY DOCTORS AND NOTHING TAKES AWAY THE DEPRESSION ANXIETY OR PARANOID FEELINGS, IT IS A NIGHTMARE, IF YOU WANT TO E-MAIL ME, I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT, it is broses17@aol.com, as I too feel EXTREMELY LONELY, I COULD USE A FRIEND WHO UNDERSTANDS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, I REALLY COULD, CAUSE AT TIMES I WISH I WAS NOT LIVING, AS THIS IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE, I REMEMBER WHEN POT WOULD LET ME FEEL SO AT EASE AROUND PEOPLE, AND WOULD HELP ME NOT BE SO SHY, NOW THAT HAS ALL TURNED AROUND 180 DEGREES, I HAVE TO PUSH MYSELF TO BE AROUND PEOPLE, AND IT IS NOT EASY.....I HOPE AND PRAY YOU WILL E-MAIL ME... NANCY
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Skakried
Posted: January 21, 2014, 5:46 PM







Hey Ben , listen , I know quitting weed is hard , trust me , I did it myself. The Weed actually made me paranoid to the point where I would go into full on anxiety attacks/paranoid delusions , not fun . But after I quit I have had one such occurrence , which i managed to suppress. Its difficult I know , but I actually feel like I am getting better somewhat , esspecially when I look at what I was like a year ago.

I hold no resentment towards my friends who still smoke weed or cannabis itself , to be honest its quite rare for people to react to it in the way we have , but it happens , we are just those unlucky cases. I still hang around with the people I used to smoke with , a few times a week actually , but they know I have quit and they don't try to make me smoke it or anything they know what it can do to me . they are actually kinda cool about it all. So I guess not all weed smokers are particularly the "wrong" crowd infact alot of them are quite nice , if slightly unstable for whatever reason it is they are smoking weed. So it goes to show that at the root of it all it is never the people around you that are the problem , it is usually you , I say "no" to myself everyday when they are smoking it (Although it has got to the point where i no longer have to , I can't stand the smell of it anymore) I have my fun on the weekends when I go out to a club , or a party , on a saturday night , drink , dance and be merry. But my experience with weed really shone a light on the addictive streak in my personality and taught me get a hold of it , I now no longer have that problem with things (except cigs , I really wanna quit smoking). Like anyone else I can have a wild night from time to time , sometimes even a wild weekend , but I never drink during the week and I havn't touched cannabis in along time.
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Posted: April 15, 2014, 9:07 AM


Posts: 3
Joined: April 15, 2014



Ben - I know you posted long ago but I wanted to say to you that you are not alone and I hope you made it through. You shared your story and helped me along my journey. Your shared my story, I never had lots of friends and the ones I had smoked. When you moving to the next level in life, something have to be left behind, but some things have to be looked square in the face and dealt with. It is alright to be who you are.
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Sara
Posted: May 4, 2014, 8:17 PM







Hi Ben,

As a weed smoker I can identify exactly what your going through, I've been smoking weed since I was about 15, unfortunately for me I still smoke weed but experience all the things you do daily. My self confidence has dropped to a major level, its got so bad that I hate looking at peoples faces while there talking to me or feel uncomfortable because I feel like their analysing everything about me, I find walking down the street horrible as all I think when I pass a car or people that are walking past me is that their staring at me making a judgement. Its ruined me in a lot of ways. The depression is bad, because even though I'm surrounded by good people I feel like I have no one, my anger issues and temper now make me seem like an uncontrollable, unapproachable b**** no matter how hard I try and consume it, I do this with my parents a lot but experience strong feelings of guilt afterwards. In total I hate living like this and feel I have made my situations worse by what I thought was making me better.

Slowly but surely I will try to give up, but as majority of my family smoke cannabis and so does my partner its easy to buckle to temptation, I hope things get better for you and I'm glad I've read about this as I was starting to think I was the only one
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Nicola
Posted: June 10, 2014, 10:41 PM







hey :).. i have smoked weed for 15yrs nw, but in d last 3 yrs iv been goin through a hard time and weed is the only thing that kept me goin maybe because it stopped me feeling all the hurt thats inside me, iv quit jst 4 days ago nd i feel really horrible, iv been crying constanly and i cant eat anyting..im goin to try my best to get through this but its so hard mainly beause i cant talk about it with anyone because i feel like they dont understand whats goin on inside my head they dnt know how hard it is, iv lost alot of friends but more importanly iv lost me.. im very quiet which i hate because i was never like that i try so hard to speak up but i feel my mind has turned to mush i cant think or speak..i dont want to feel like this i wanna be happy i want a new me :(
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treasure
Posted: June 18, 2014, 11:15 AM







Hello. Im addicted to weed .It is out of control. This is my first attempt at trying to stop .I started at 23 now 33 this is hard. I do believe in God. And pray. But that does not mean I dont think about it. It has only been two days. And I'm thinking wow this really hurts. I've been vomiting can't eat. Only small bits at a time. Its only been two days. I need help. I'm done from running. Need to get sober
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Hana
Posted: June 19, 2014, 6:55 PM







Hey everyone, lol it was weird even typing that cos I dont even have the energy or life in my heart to type a message. I dont know if its the weed but I think so otherwise i wouldnt have searched this on google. I just raised my hand from my laptop and there are puddles of water from the sweat from my hands (I sweat all the time all day every day). I feel like my anxiety is so bad its never gonna go away. I feel so angry like I wanna super sayan into the old me, into a new me just someone that is happy again, that doesnt cry all the time because she doesnt even know how to describe how she feels because theres so much of nothing but so much of everything at the same time??? Do you know what I mean? I just dont wanna lose it, eventhough I already have. I dont even wanna wake up in the morning, nothing excites me anymore, I dont have emotions, its like theres a field of nothingness in me. Its so hard to explain. But its funny because you think nahh weeds good, why does everyone hate, its so relaxing.. Until you actually realise its f***ing you up and you think wow.. Here it is. Heres the outcome of it. s*** really I wana speak to someone but I dont know.. I feel like if I dont help myself on my own with my own like, pushing myself, on my own, you know.. then I wont ever change because even opening up to my parents and them giving me advice I still feel the same. I still feel nothing. I dont know.. I dont know lol my favourite word
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Enter Name
Posted: June 23, 2014, 8:14 PM







excuse me but were you high when you wrote your post....all your thoughts seemed to tumble and rotate as if they were oscillating in a mental washing machine...waiting for the second rinse..
The seed of the weed will make you bleed...puff puff...you are gone
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Kristen
Posted: June 28, 2014, 8:05 AM







I've been smoking weed everyday, through bongs.
The very first day I had my bong, I weighed about up to 70 kilos, it's been 2 years, first year on and off second, Everyday, I'd finish school smoke heaps go home, sneak out at night smoke some more till past 12 am, getting a lack of sleep EVERYNIGHT, till this day now, I'm not who I am anymore, I feel so unhealthy , I weight 55 now , I lost my appetite and went days without eating,
I feel as I'm not going to be the person I once was, I'm emotional and depressed and have bad anxiety and I'm only 16, I hang out with a bunch of stoners, I don't know what to do with myself so I just smoke weed, I need to start doing things to keep it off my mind but it's hard, I never thought I'd get addicted to weed, I'm stuck in this deep hole and I've lost myself, I hope I'm not going to be like this forever, I'm hoping that my mind doesn't stay as a 16 year old forever.
Has anybody had this experience?
I cry easily now, my body does not feel normal at all !
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Ditto
Posted: July 2, 2014, 6:43 PM







Dude, exact same situation right here. Pot was the love of my life. But it's all a deadly facade. It crushed my soul and left me for dead, when I thought it always had my back. I was becoming weird and couldn't seem to conversate with anyone in a normal manner. I was intelligent turned to dumb. I was being a donkey when I thought I was being creative. I was stationary, when I should be steadfast. I had no purpose in life.

BUT, Your brain is the most powerful gift that you have been given. It can heal anything, I repeat ANYTHING, in the human body. It certainly controls everything through nerve impulses and hormones, and regulates all our bodily functions. I'm a medical student, and I assure you the remarkable human body will heal itself as it always strives for equilibrium/homeostasis.

BUT!!! Positive thinking is the key. You must MOTIVATE your brain to heal. DEPRESSION will only fight your progress. That is why when the sick are sad, the sickness rapidly overwhelms them. Don't look to drugs for cures as they are what got you here in the first place! Even if they are prescription, you simply do not know what filthy rich pharmaceutical companies are giving you!!

Be natural. Be organic.
Say whatever comes to your mind and be nice to everyone, greet strangers, even enemies.
Make new friends, you don't need a million, ones enough.
Smile, be happy.
Find hope.
Eat healthy and look after you're body.
Raise a puppy.
Volunteer.
Turn to religion/repent.
Find hobbies upon hobbies. Anything, just ONE at a time, and really aim to be good at it.
Find a cause to stand up for.
Find a job and take vacations.

Realise the world has become a dark place filled with sex, drugs, alcohol, crime, etc. to kill off weaklings like us. But there is still good in people. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Find love in the finer things. Let destiny unravel itself to you.

You're still alive my friend. The possibilities are endless. But you MUST find satisfaction in other things, as now you're brain is programmed to get its good feelings from pot. Slowly but surely, see the goodness in everything pure around you.

People love you, you're family loves you. No matter what. Never forget that and spend time with them. Tomorrow is promised to NONE of us.

Understand that life is what you make it. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Do not think about the past. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened... and everything happens for a reason. You are you... today.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

I have put this much effort as I know your pain, and it would break my heart if you hurt yourself from a battle that you can easily win. Pot is like anything else addictive, anything else that takes your money while it kills you. It's not easy, but you MUST, absolutely MUST, believe in yourself. It's all in the mind....

Life is a struggle, we must be strong my friend.
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Mynameisjosh
Posted: July 8, 2014, 4:54 AM







It's amazing that a few years later people are still posting on this forum
I have read every single post and it has given me confidence and laughter
In one of my bleakest moments. I just want to thank all you brave people
for baring your souls and making me feel not alone in my situation.

God Bless,
Josh
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Joseph
Posted: July 9, 2014, 9:39 AM







Josh,

Based on your previous experience quitting. My question to you is. Does it get better>
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