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Posts: 6
Joined: July 23, 2015
Posted: July 23, 2015, 6:00 PM
I'm 28 years old. I have a 7 year old son and an amazing boyfriend. My brother was in a bad car accident 5 years ago and was prescribed 10md percocet. He would give me one when he got it filled. I would break it in half, if I took the whole pill it would make me sick. Eventually I liked them so much I found my own dealer. My dealer moved on to selling roxys because she made more money. I started getting one 30 mg roxy a day before I would go to my restaurant job as a server/bartender. Sometimes I go again when I get off. Now I manage to find something every single day. I'm going on three years and it sucks so bad!! My job is non stop and stressful. The pills put me in a better mood and put a pep in my step. Now I don't feel normal without them. I love the initial buzz it gives me. Starts in my stomach then I feel my face start to buzz then get itchy. I have a great life and nothing to be depressed about except the pills. My boyfriend is worried about me. He doesn't even get mad anymore, he just accepts it. I want to stop to have more money to share with my family. I do not let my son go without, but I think of all the extra things we could have if I just stop. I was going to quit yesterday, but decided to wait. I was going to quit today but ended up going twice. I'm so frustrated with myself and just wanted to share what I'm going through to people who understand. I will not be addicted to these forever, but I always say tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. I don't want something terrible to happen to me to finally say this is it. I want to stop now. I can cry my eyeballs out and be so over it, but the next day reach for my phone, send the text, and do it again. It's so easy to say you're going to quit when you're high...
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Posts: 21
Joined: July 9, 2015
Posted: July 23, 2015, 7:44 PM
HI
IM HOOKED ON BOOZE AND VIKES. IM ON DAY 4 OFF VIKES AND ITS NOT THAT BAD,FELLS LIKE THE FLU.BUT IM ST ILL DRINKING A LITTLE AN TAKING LOPEAMIDE AND NEURONTIN AND ATIVAN, FIRST THIS THEN THEB OOZE. I FIGURE NOW OR NEVER. YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU WANTIT MARIA | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 23, 2015, 8:44 PM
Try your best, want it all you can.
And if you find you are like me and millions like me (us) you will find your best isn't up to the task. That was when I surrendered and admitted I was powerless. I joined AA & NA. That was over 26 yrs ago and it saved my life. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 23, 2015, 8:57 PM
Hello and welcome! My name is Jessica and i'm an addict. If you were to read the beginning of my story it would sound a lot like yours. I too was a bartender and I had access to dealers of everything. In the beginning one or two pills would last for the day. That soon goes away. Soon the itch you get goes away. Soon the long nights of sleep go away. Soon your happiness will go away. Soon your boyfriend and your child will go away. Soon the pills won't last more than 6 hours and you'll need to get high. Soon they won't get you high at all. Then maybe you'll find out that heroin is cheaper and last longer. Soon you might be in real bad shape. Soon you might be dealing to support your habit. Soon you might go to jail. In the end that's what's left, jail, the crazy house, or death. That is your future if you continue to use. Ask me how I know. I've been where your at and i'm telling you don't want to let this go on. Get to treatment, find a NA meeting and keep coming back. You don't want to end up like me. I was left with nothing. No home, no boyfriend, no car, no money, no job, no life! It is gonna be hard, but you can do it. Please get help. Take it from pill popper to another, this life is no life at all. It's dark and harmful.
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Posts: 6
Joined: July 23, 2015
Posted: July 26, 2015, 11:38 AM
Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot and really hits home. This past week has been weird. I've still been taking pills, but the voice inside telling me to stop keeps getting louder. Yesterday my boyfriend, whose been there through money issues and lies, told me if I take a pill today he is packing up and moving out. He said it wasnt because he's mad at me but because he doesn't know how else to help me anymore. FINALLY! I woke up this morning and knew I was going to be sober today. Allll day long. I accept it. I wont let this addiction rip the man I love away from me. I wish I could stop from just wanting to and planning to. I realize I cant have my addiction and my nice life and now I have to make a choice. I choose life. I choose my son. I choose my boyfriend and my health. I never thought I would be in this situation. I hope anyone who reads this and is going through a hard time will win the battle. I pray I can do this again tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow and so does my boyfriend. That gives me a chance to use and to lie about it. I don't want to do that ever again. Pills have brought nothing good to my life, not one positive thing. Only pain..and its supposed to make it go away.
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 26, 2015, 6:15 PM
Go ahead and make a list of all the things you will NOT do to score dope. See if those are in fact the very things you will do to get your fix. I too lied to my boyfriend about the pills. He always knew anyway cause I was sick if I didn't have any or happy when I did. I was a fool to try to get over on him. If you find that you can't stop on your own please get to a NA meeting.
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Posts: 206
Joined: July 27, 2015
Posted: July 27, 2015, 11:06 AM
Wow, so happy to have found this site. Pills ruined my life... it always seemed to me that I was giving it away a little at a time and that I could stop anytime and then save it . But, once it came time to lose it all, it happened in an instant. And after all I'd worked for was gone, all my loved ones ready to let go ( not because they no longer loved me, they realized that by sticking around they were complicit in my killing myself and it was killing them to watch ), no self-respect; I still wanted a pill. It's beyond my ability to comprehend. I was a 44 year old Christian wife, mother, educated professional buying off the streets. Addiction was beyond my grasp, so it stands to reason that my understanding of all that awaited me in recovery defied explanation too. That doesn't mean I can't tell you what I did, because I can. I left my home where I pretended to be an adult ( a nice way of saying my husband sent me packing ), I went back home to my mother ( no explanation needed ), I was miserable and trying to figure out a way to get hold of opiates at every turn, I was horribly sick ( NINE 30mg Roxicodone/day ) and still all I wanted was one more pill, just one more. I'd had a lot of help over the years, but it lacked one vital component : Me. The examples I just gave are things that happened again and again, in varying degrees over the course of a 22 year addiction. I'd get back in the ring, to take another swing. I love AC/DC
This last time, over 22 months ago, I remember thinking, "what is wrong with me? There are men and women, the majority in fact, who not only live life on life's terms, but they are happy!! Why can't I do that?!" I was so sick, I was trying to learn to smoke pot, just so I could eat. That was a disaster... I was soul sick and I remember praying a prayer. It was unlike any prayer I had ever prayed. Unlike the prayers they told me to pray in treatment, "God, please help me stay clean today." If I've learned one thing, it's that you can't pull a fast one on God, He knows the truth. So, I humbly said, "God, you know my heart. You KNOW I don't want to stay sober. I would/I have given every earthly thing I possess away for pills. So since you know this is my truth, can you please find a way to help me?" It took about 2 days. During that time I threw away the pot. I had no substance left to get my hands on. I staggered into NA meetings, beaten. And not long after I prayed that prayer, my obsession lifted. I was still so physically sick though. It took almost a year, just to not poop my pants. I could start to hold down food after about 6 weeks. The obsession was lifted, so I could pay attention in meetings ( something that had never happened before ). I was still miserable at heart, so I began thanking my higher power for every single miserable feeling I got. I got a bout of diarrhea-Thank You! I felt like bugs were crawling-Thank You! I couldn't stand being in my own skin-Thank You! It rained, I got drenched-Thank You! Slowly, my perspective changed. And it's a change I can't define. I went to the NA meetings where I felt I didn't belong, until I did. I figured if I can score dope on the streets, I fit in. I had no clue, so I did the opposite of what the old "high and mighty " me would've done. All those years of feeling angry, forgotten, lost... They were swept away with my miracle. God loves me... My best friends from treatment died. One from overdose, one from a brain aneurysm. Life is so short... Everything I thought I knew, or could explain by logical approach was defied in addiction AND recovery. I'm sad for the wasted years and the people I've harmed, I would take that back. But on days like today, when I'm so grateful for this journey and transformation, blessed to be typing this. I can't do anything but sit back and say-Thank You! My life is almost fully restored, better than before I ever even thought of picking up a pill. Don't give up! | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: July 23, 2015
Posted: July 27, 2015, 10:39 PM
The way you talked about thanking god for all of your symptoms. It inspires me to look at feeling like s*** a positive thing. I quit for a month once and felt to awesome. I thought I could take a few 10's and it would be ok.i was so wrong. That was over 6 months ago. I took a roxy today. It gave me the worst anxiety because of what I'm trying to do. I was crying tonight and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong. I described my addiction as a kid with a soft blanket that comforts them. You get nervous, stressed, scared, whatever.. The kid holds his blanket and feels better,comfortable. I take my pill and feel all better. But after time the blanket gets rough and nasty and everyone that knows about it tells you yo let it go, you don't need it. It doesn't feel good anymore. My addiction to pain pills did comfort me at first. I thought I had something good. Easy to hide. Didn't ever take them to get f'ed up. Just to catch that buzz. But its time for me to let it go. It doesn't make me feel better anymore. Just the opposite.cant even enjoy the buzz because it SUCKS! Ready for my first n/a meeting. I def need to to get past this. I pray for strength. Thank you for this site. This is more comforting than I ever imagined pills to be. Thank you.
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Posted: July 27, 2015, 11:35 PM
You need to understand that you are an addict like me and that does not have to be a bad thing, you just need to realise you have an illness/disease and it is hell when our addiction is active, but it is also heaven when it is not. You are strong, believe that! You can withdraw from this. I was addicted to codeine really badly for 7 years. Nurofen plus, which I think should be taken off the market!!!! When you have statistically about 1 in 3 people suffering with the disease of addiction!!!!,the drug companies who make money in the billions ought to plow some back into drug rehabs. HELLO? Does anyone back me with this? They know what they are doing that's for sure and it is all about profit. I withdrew at home and the thing I had been fearing for so long was actually do-able after all. I managed it. The fear of coming off drugs keeps us trapped!! That is the lie of addiction. Never fear, with your family or friends or dr you can come off the substance that is imprisoning you, the key is being Ready and Honest.I have suffered so long with addiction and I used to dream of going to rehab but in my country there are many people wanting this and unless you are rich you have to wait a very long time. This is so wrong. There are some substances that require medical intervention to withdraw safely. Everyone has the right to treatment.Addiction is not a lifestyle choice, it is a disease.
This post has been edited by Elsheenray on July 28, 2015, 12:05 AM | ||
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Posts: 206
Joined: July 27, 2015
Posted: July 30, 2015, 1:23 PM
I hope you are doing okay, Michelle.
I remember an "aha" moment. And there have been quite a few along the way. I was scamming a very sweet physician out of a script for Perc 10s, that was waaaaay before Methadone and Roxys came into the picture. I was 'shopping' before it became a felony. She was taking the time to tell me how I'd be much better served by seeking a specialty doc and getting non-narcotic relief. I said, "but I only take like 30 pills every couple months." That was a lie of course. She looked at me and said, "do you realize that most people take less than 30 narcotic pain killers in a LIFETIME?" It didn't stop me, but I never forgot it. How did I get so low on life that I had to get high on drugs, just to live? I never did figure out the answer to that question. What I did do for the first little while is 'trick' myself. I said, " I'll give this a shot, but if I don't feel better, I'm going back to drugs." And I did that everyday ( it's a 24 hour program ) for the first 4 months. In addition to all the things I shared previously, I'd go to meetings and share my truth and something I'd been through would help someone. They'd tell me I helped them and that would give me the strength to carry on another 24 hours. We addicts have many similarities, a huge factor for most of us is isolation. That doesn't mean I can't and don't get out and function in the world. I do. It means that for all of my appearances, I never truly connect. If I am blessed with a day without drugs, I can't keep it all for myself. I must share it. It takes a huge effort for an addict to get out of themselves and help another suffering addict. That is why meetings ( socialization ), helping another ( feeds the soul ), prayer ( connection with a higher power ) are all a part of the process. My daddy, who isn't an addict or an alcoholic used to tell me to get out and help someone, when I was wallowing in self-pity. He knew. It's impossible not to feel better if you help another soul. And that 'feel better' isn't a lie. It never peaks and then wears off, like dope does. I know you know drugs and any short term comfort they bring, is a lie. You rent the feeling and the cost is high. Don't give up till your miracle happens! God loves you so much -------------------- " Many times I sought the lighthouse The familiar beam in the dark Looking for the comfort Radiating from its spark; Today I turn that inward No longer am I the seeker I am not just the lighthouse I am the light - And lighthouse keeper. " | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: July 23, 2015
Posted: August 1, 2015, 6:52 AM
I didn't take any pain meds today! I had to work a double shift today and it was very busy. I feel good about it. I do think my first meeting is coming up if i truly want to be sober. I too believe in helping others. I saw a good friend fall to meth very hard for just a few months and it destroyed her. That was her substitute to pain pills. I was there for her, but after it didn't seem like she wanted help, I just couldn't see her. All this time I'm popping a roxi everyday. She went to rehab and got help. Now she goes to na meetings and it helps her. She came out better than ever. I went through my experimenting phase at the end of high school. I tried different drugs and enjoyed it, but never made a habbit out of anything. When my son was born, I had percs from the doctor. I took them a couple of days then called my ol buddy there and actually sold her all my pills. I wasnt in pain, and I knew I would take the whole bottle. I didn't want to feel like that around my new baby. What happened to that mentality?. I don't smoke or snort pills. I dont take them to get messed up. I still function with my family. I have a job. I've done really well with my son so far. I think these are all the reasons I think about when I abuse pills to justify it. It doesn't change that I'm an addict. In the closet. I still know I can do this.
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Posts: 6
Joined: July 23, 2015
Posted: October 22, 2015, 10:47 PM
I started this post 3 months ago, and unfortunately I was not able to quit on my own. I have continued to take 60 to 80 milligrams a day, everyday of oxycodon. Today I entered a methadone clinic. I received 30 mgs of methadone along with hours if counseling. Tomorrow is finally here. I realized I could not quit on my on, which was hard to accept. After 30 minutes of taking my first dose, I knew this was it. It is actually going to work. I have had 0 cravings for pain meds. I also want to lower my dose tomorrow to 20, because the 30 was felt strong and I do not want to get dependant on this drug. I plan on getting down to 10 milligrams asap and phase out when I feel ready. I'm over this. I'm so excited about my counseling and treatment, and can't wait to get off the methadone already. This is my true day one. I will recieve random drug screens so there is no opportunity to slip up on any drugs. This may not be the road meant for everyone, but running out of options, and money, this is the answer for me. I have a new Hope I've never had. My boyfriend is still by my side 100 percent. I went to the mall afterward and bought my son new shows And clothes and he and I was so happy. I cannot wait for my new future that I am meant to have. My treatment is only 10 dollars a day compared to a 60 dollar a day habbit that made me miserable. If you can't quit, and feel hopeless, seek treatment with the mindset that you will not get hooked on the meds to help with the withdrawals. I can't believe this almost 3 year r
Habbit has finally met its end. I thank God for guiding me to this path. I am truly blessed and was very close to losing everything good in my life. Thank you God and God bless every single one of you that fought this battle and won, and to those that are still struggling, You can change your life. Don't be afraid to let this soul eating habbit go. I hope this post will help someone find answers and comfort. Never lose hope. No more excuses, and tomorrow is today baby!!!!!!! This post has been edited by michellewilliams on October 22, 2015, 10:53 PM | ||
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