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I Need Help And Support (n+ Withdrawal)


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 9:39 AM
Hi All,

I have been a low dose user for nearly 8 years. It has taken a long time to develop a 15-18 pill per day addiction. I have never taken more than 3 at a time and usually spread them more than 3-4 hours apart (not that it makes it any less damaging...).

Anyway, I am in a career where I cannot disclose the addiction without immediately losing my career. All medical care is provided by my employer, so it's impossible to get confidential assistance through a doctor. I have a husband who doesn't know and a young beautiful daughter who is nearly 2 years old. I feel very alone at the moment.

As of Monday I started to withdraw from my addiction. It's not the first time that I have tried. I withdrew easily before I became pregnant with my daughter and stayed clean the entire pregnancy. It was a very painful birth and they put me on Panadeine Forte whilst healing. This re-invigorated the addiction. I then went C/T in February, but the very next stressful situation ended in the typical response from an addict... back on the band wagon.

So I've stopped taking N+ completely as of Monday. Instead I've switched to Panadeine (not forte) and am down to 2 tablets every 6 hours. That's a decrease from 230mg to 80mg. My goal is to take my last two pain killers ever on Tuesday night, then wake up Wednesday in my new life.

The withdrawal symptoms (fatigue, nausea and painful legs) are really tough to deal with at the moment. I am also upset; I am so disappointed in myself for risking my health. I keep imagining how my family would feel if I wasn't around to see them, particularly when my addiction has absolutely nothing to do with them. My family is the most important part of my life.

I know the source of my addiction is anxiety and an over-active mind. The N+ always levelled me out and prevented me from worrying about things that I should never have been worrying about. So, I've booked an appointment with the employer provided psychologist. Now I have to find a way to not disclose the addiction whilst getting help for the anxiety. Wish me luck?

My husband has gone away for the weekend, so it's just me and my daughter. I have somehow managed to postpone a PostGrad degree exam (that I was meant to do today) until Monday. I have no idea how I will have the energy to study for it... And, it's being paid for by my employer, which adds to the pressure and anxiety.

I think the word that sums me up at the moment is --trapped--

I hope that posting on the forum and sharing my thoughts will help me find others willing to support me through this time.

KT



Posts: 17
Joined: July 3, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 10:50 AM
the best thing I ever did was tell my husband. I had too. After all he is my life partner and my love. The one who is supposed to be there for me. I, too, held on to my fears of being addicted. And I innocently got addicted and decided as soon as I realized it to get off it. I was wise not to wait. He knew what I was taking and expressed concern about 2yrs in, but then I didn't think I had the problem. He was very supportive and still is. He knows what kind of woman I am after all this time. He didn't blame me. He supported me especially in the first difficult week of pain, crying on and off all of it. He let me alone when I asked him too. He held me when I asked for it. A wise and great man and husband. I feel for you. I am just getting over all what you are going through right now. It was a bad 8 days LONG I am feeling better in week 2. I actually went to a play last night and enjoyed it. I needed some kind of support. I also didn't want anyone to know so I did it myself and dropped that DR. It is so hard to be alone and addiction makes you feel alone. At least it did me. He probably notices more than you think. Mine did.


Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014


Posted: July 10, 2015, 1:02 PM
hi KTs - i wish you well in your recovery - i know it's hard, but it can be done, have you a trusted friend or family member you can talk to - very few of us make it on our own - support is crucial especially in early recovery - the psychologist you are going to see, cannot, ethicaly disclose what you tell him/her regardless of who is paying them - the only circumstances that this can occur is if you tell him/her you are going to, or likely to, hurt yourself or someone else, otherwise they are bound to a strict code of confidentiality and could be struck off for breaching it without your express permission - this is the only way it works - the therapist should explain this to you before the first session, so use the session to be honest, you may find it a great help to talk to them about what is concerning you - i found counselling a real life changer for me, once i started being honest with the counsellor and myself - i really wish you all the best in your recovery, and with your exam on monday- best of luck


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 3:34 PM
Hi Jank and Travelling Man,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I know I should tell my husband, but something (maybe pride?) has me paralysed. Maybe when I get through this part I will feel a little better about myself. I can then tell him my problem but then also show him how I am making big changes for us already... Is this a cop out way to think?

I've just managed to get 4hrs sleep. It's 5.30 in the morning in Australia. My headache that I've had for 4 days has subsided. My restless/painful legs are starting to ease; however, the ache has started in my arms. And, omg, the excitement of my digestive system is nearly unbearable; the gas and gurgling... Over-share?

As for the psychologist, I believe there is a clause that if the individual has harmed, wanting to harm, themselves or others, it has to be immediately disclosed to the employer. An addiction may be classed as harming oneself?

I look back on the last 8 years and wonder just how much I was ever in control. There are so many behaviors and decisions (not always good) I made that I now wonder whether that was just the addict reacting to instead of me, as a person, deciding.

KT

This post has been edited by KTs_kickingit on July 10, 2015, 3:35 PM


Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 3:57 PM
Hi KTS,

I just wanted to say welcome . I can completely relate re N+ taking away the anxiety . I was taking 40 or more a day for about 2.5 years .

I quit c/t and this is day 26 for me and I'm doing well.

I did go see a councillor here in the UK , originally because of my addiction but to be honest after the initial meeting I never really spoke about the pills again . During the sessions I discussed all aspects of my life and it helped me see why I perhaps looked to the pills in the first place .

I believe Tman is right in that unless you say something that leads the councillor to believe you may harm yourself or others they can't break the confidentiality .

Perhaps it's worth consulting an independent body to find out the legal stance re employers to be sure ?

I also agree re telling your hubby ... I had to and it wasn't easy but he was really supportive . If your close he's probably guessed something isn't right and your seeking help and trying to quit so hooefully he'll understand and want to help you .

The anxiety does get better ... I took a couple of weeks for me but I was on a much higher dose . I haven't taken anything other than stuff from the health shop to help me through .

Believe me when I say at points I thought I just couldn't do it ... But I have and I'm so bloody grateful for getting this far .

You've made the right move coming on here ....the people on here are nothing short of amazing and truly know exactly how you feel and what your going through .

It's been my lifeline .

Lots of love and best wishes

Millie xxxx


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 4:24 PM
Thanks Millie,

I think I can hear my little girl starting to wake up. She helps me take my mind of it and reminds me why I am quitting :)

I'm so tired from lack of sleep. I think it's making me feel more upset. I'm trying not to let my mind use it as an excuse to up the dosage again. I've picked such a shocking time to get off them given everything that's going on. I try and reason with myself that no time was ever going to be good; the sooner the better.

I hope I feel better later today. I couldn't eat much yesterday or the day before. I forced some food down and some iron and multivitamins.

Kt


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 4:26 PM
And Millie, I so hope that I will make a day 26 like you without any codeine...


Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 4:58 PM
Hiya

Yeah the lack of sleep was a killer for me too but it does get better even though I know right now it doesn't seem like that ... Believe I was pulling my hair out !

Your right about it never being the right time too ...I was I'll with a tummy bug and decided over nite that it was time to quit ( I had wanted to stop a long time before that )

When I was feeling my worst I thought why didn't I wait to a better time when I had planned childcare , done a food shopping and the house etc . But the truth is all that stuff won't kill you ... The pills will .

I have a wee girl of 8 and she's my world too 💜

I know you really do have a lot on and it's not going to be easy but you can do it if it's what you really want .

I'll be here to help you and chat as much as you want

Love
Millie xxx


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 6:06 PM
Hi Millie,

I am just going to have to keep saying thanks a million! I've gotten out of bed, had a shower, cooked some toast with Vegemite (high in Vit B) and shared it with my little girl. We are now watching Nemo for the 1,456th time! I'm feeling a lot more positive right now. Aching legs but the nausea seems to have subsided :)

I might put on my pressure tights. Haven't worn them in years. I hope they fit!

I've watched a few of the videos that Circa has recommended too. I'm feeling a bit more positive now even though I'm tired.

Kt


Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 8:30 PM
Hi KT ...

Yeah I used compression stockings doubled over at nite . I ended up with the restless worse in my upper arms ... That was no fun ):

Drink as much water as you can . A long hot soak in a bath really does ease that achy restless feeling too ...I took as many as I could .

It's after one in the morning here in the uk so I'll say nite for now .

I'll be back on first thing to see how ur doing .

I also watched loads of Ryan donnellys videos as suggested by cam/circa. Cam is fantastic if uve read his story he was on a massive dose - at worst 120 n+ a day, and he quit c/t in feb and is still going strong . He checks the boards alot and I'm sure when he does he'll offer you support too.. He's so thoughtful and helpful , just like everyone on here .

Speak tomorrow .

Love
Millie xxx


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 9:03 PM
Thanks Millie, I guess you'll see this when you wake up.

I have just got a friend to come and mind my daughter for the day. She is a child care worker, so that will relieve some of my anxiety. I am trying to slowly get through my homework assignment that is due. I think the lack of sleep has my headache coming back - karma.

I started going down hill again before my friend picked up my daughter. I was walking around my house crying not knowing how I was going to manage. Then the anxiety kicked in again for my study and assignment.

I've organised to go out to dinner with the friend taking care of my daughter and her family. This should make sure I eat and keep my mind off things a little bit. I used to mentor her daughter before she moved to Sydney. Their two other daughters works for the same employer as me, as does my friends Husband. I also taught two of them to play a certain sport that I used to represent Australia in ... before everything started going downhill for me. I know being out with them will help me feel loved and important; I really need that right now.

As for the water - I hate drinking water so I've been drinking milk now that my nausea is passing. I've also had a few lemon and ginger teas. I will listen to everyones recommendations and keep up the fluids and vitamins. It's hard to know whether they are making a difference or not.

Kt


Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 10:56 PM

Hi KT,

First of all I just want to say welcome, and well done for reaching out.

You are definitely not a lone in this situation, and I feel so close to where you have been and are now.

I'm in Sydney Australia, and in February this year I quite a 120 pill per day Nurofen Plus habit. I can honestly say I'm glad to still be here and literally don't know how I am still alive, but anyway I'm here and that's what matters.

The biggest game-changer for me was opening up to my family and letting them know what was going on. They knew something was already wrong with my anyway because I had become a different person. Isolated, closed-off and numb from everything.

There is a lot of supportive and experienced people on here and they can help you along your recovery journey. But my advice is to really consider opening up to your partner/family, because the greatest support networks come from those who stand by us throughout our lives in good and bad times, and that is family.

I have recommended this a few times to people on here. A big part of my inspiration in my own recovery has come from a great guy in the United States, his name is Ryan Donnelly. He has his own YouTube channel where he does 5 videos a week, one each day Monday-Friday, and he talks about recovery from opiates. The work he does is really amazing, he also has a Blog where he writes posts every day of the week (Mon-Fri), and I also write for his blog from time-to-time as well. Here are the details for his YouTube Channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/calmsupport

His blog, you can find and read articles here: **removed by moderators. Please do not posts advertising websites.**

Also, if you feel like reaching out to someone personally, I am more than happy to chat as it helps me too. You are more than welcome to email or Skype me. If you would like to, you can find my contact details in the first comment on one of Ryan's videos below. My name is Cameron G:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcDDTDDqt1Q

As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant!

Cheers,
Cam

This post has been edited by moderator on July 11, 2015, 9:52 AM



Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 10, 2015, 11:34 PM
Hi Cam and thanks for the links. I have seen them in another thread and took a look at a few last night. They are worth the time.

When you guys were in this stage of withdrawal, did you find that you would finally fall asleep only to wake up (like wide awake) only 30min - 2 hours later?

Kt

This post has been edited by KTs_kickingit on July 11, 2015, 12:04 AM


Posts: 2347
Joined: March 29, 2005


Posted: July 11, 2015, 12:46 AM
My worst days when the doctor would say no? to my early refill which she always said yes I was 7 days early, when I got off the phone I walked around my house in a crazy panic ,,omgolly I was going nuts,,what am I going to do now...spend my days in bed I was dressed house was clean .but I didn't want to eat. My hubby said you will be fine .I said yes I will, but inside I was trying to find a way to get pills ,there was no way,I could, but buy them off the str--but I new nothing of that sort of life being Amish. I was scared alone ,couldn't sleep. But I did get off them later in my life.Ive been here for 10 years.im a old timer...just my two cents.poopie

--------------------
just remember we are here to hold your hand..


Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015


Posted: July 11, 2015, 1:57 AM
Morning from the uk (:

The wakening up after hardly any sleep is really common . For me in the first 3 or 4 days I would fall asleep for tens minutes and wake up feeling wired like by body was on over drive .

Now I sleep 6/7 hours straight..... I honestly never thought that would happen because even before the pills I never slept well .

I know how awful it is but it will get better ....we wouldn't like to you (:

Once you quit everyone will till you that when the hard work starts to stay away from the pills . I'm not putting myself up there as any any kind of expert but I just want to help and tell you the few things that helped me through .

Every nite during withdrawal (and still even now )I listen to a self hypnosis youtube video for deep sleep . I was going out my mind and never thought I would be able to relax even slightly . But if you listen and do the suggestions it does work ...I didn't get a full nites sleep ( or anything like one ) but it really help my body and mind relax when the last thing I wanted to do was be still.

Your right about doing as much as you can like going out . Even though it's the last thing you feel like doing , do it anyway and you'll feel better for it .

Awe I wish I could just give you a hug and really tell you it's ok .

If you have time try n read my thread ...it's the ones that's 18 pages long !!!! You'll see how I tried and failed and tried and failed and now it's day 27.

I never ever thought I could do it ....when I was going through the worst I just told friends n family I was still ill with the tummy bug . Only my hubby knew the truth .

I couldn't get my head around it but try to think of it like this ... If you had a life threatening illness you would accept the treatment right ? You would lay in bed and take time of work without really thinking about it , right ?

Well... You have a life threatening illness ...it's only a matter of time before the next day or week of taking n+ is the one that gives you a stomach ulcer or worse ).:

I know as a mum myself , it's so hard not to be able or even want to do anything with your girl . But I kept telling myself ... Ok I feel like this now but what's a week or ten days out her life when mummy isn't doing all the usual stuff to have a mummy who isn't addicted to pills ?

Your doing your best and that's all you can do .... Keep posting ., sorry if I'm rambling on ... I just wish there was something I could tell you that would take the pain away and make you well . There's no short cuts but when your done it's totally amazing not to have to worry about those bloody poisonous pills .

Big hugs

Millie
Xxxxx


Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015


Posted: July 11, 2015, 2:27 AM
Hi KT,

As Millie said, your sleep patterns and sleep difficulties are perfectly natural.

Millie makes some excellent points and it is very true, take the few weeks now to get clean while your daughter is young because the reality is, your daughter won't remember you not doing much for a couple of weeks when she is really little, what children really remember is their parents being drug addicts for the rest of their lives or for a good majority of their lives.

Taking the time now means the rewards of a new life later can be fully realised, it is so worth it.

When I quit cold turkey, I didn't sleep for the first 8 to 9 days. Granted I was taking a lot, but most people will sleep experience sleep difficulties from varied doses because your body is withdrawing from the chemical imbalance.

In particular, a big contributor to the withdrawal process is that codeine (opiates) affect the activity of nor-adrenaline (nor-epinephrine) in the brain. This neurotransmitter plays a critical role in the withdrawal process because once you stop taking codeine, the brain's level of nor-adrenaline spike, causing and contributing to the overall withdrawal symptoms (physical) as well as the anxiety related mental side-effects that many feel/experience as well.

It takes time for these brain chemicals to "re-normalise", which happens progressively, and you will hopefully begin to notice slight improvements in the way you feel physically/emotionally/mentally/cognitively as each day progresses.

If you fail 10 times in a row in your recovery all it means is there's a chance you will succeed on the 11th attempt. It's worth it, every time you try. I cannot stress enough how much as an addict you need to keep fighting to get your life back. Nothing of value comes easy in this life and that couldn't be more relevant and true in regards to opiate addiction.

I failed myself a number of times in my 4 or more years of addiction, but now, being clean, even only for 5 months, I can't tell you how good it feels to be free. Not having to rely on those pills is one of the best feelings on earth and you deserve a chance to feel that as everyone does.

Let us know how you are doing, any questions you have, there's no judgement here!

As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant!

Cheers,
Cam


Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015


Posted: July 11, 2015, 3:04 AM
Hey Cam , how's things with you ?

Love
Millie x


Posts: 17
Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 11, 2015, 3:56 AM
Hi Guys,

I've just managed two hours sleep. The headaches were coming back in full force between the 5-6 hour mark. I went for a massage and that helped a lot. I think that's why I slept again, even if for 2 hours.

What you say about being free is the reason that I want to stop. I hate with a passion the feeling and thoughts of 'where and how am I going to get my next box'. The fact I live in a much smaller place than Sydney (!) makes it so much harder to get them. I am just so sick of putting so much time, money and effort into the habit.

I also read someone that codeine, when not connected to the mu receptors can store itself all throughout the body between 5-25% - is that true?

I imagine that being at 20mg every 6 hours will level out in the next day or two. After my exam on Monday, I am going to cut down to 10mg every 6 hours. Depending how bad the next set of withdrawal symptoms are will depend on what I do next. My initial plan was no more by Wednesday. I am starting to think I should wait until Thursday as I can take Friday off work and suffer the weekend again. The good thing is that I HAVE to be clean by 2 weeks which is when my blood tests will be done, otherwise its 'see ya later career' and job security, and potentially mortgage, ... that's pretty good motivation.

I'm going to try get some homework done whilst I am feeling a little more energetic.

I will post after dinner.
Kt


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012


Posted: July 11, 2015, 11:21 AM
Hello and welcome! Sometimes we don't always like what we hear here, but hopefully you'll see that you need help, REAL help. You have been an addict for over 8 years and you think that your gonna stop on a Friday and wake up with a new life. You have to get clean for YOU, not your job. This will be the hardest thing that you ever have to do and you need support from your family, friends, and other addicts who know how you feel. I suggest you get to a NA meeting and see if you can relate to what others share. I know your gonna tell me that you can't get to a meeting cause this or that, all BS EXCUSES! You don't mind going to your "DEALER" everyday. So what's the harm in just going and seeing what's it's like? Everyday you don't get help for your problem, you and your life is at risk. Let's be real you are slowly killing yourself! Your daughter will grow up without a mother and I know what that is like and it hurts, bad! You came here for support and i'm not trying to be mean or nasty. Sometimes the truth just hurts. And if you do nothing, then nothing changes. Your living in a fantasy land if you think after 8 years your just gonna be able to stop cold turkey without any outside help. There is a reason why you are destroying you and alone is not the way to go. Get help!

Step one is: We admitted we were POWERLESS over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable.


You are about to lose your job cause you abuse drugs, i'd say that maybe your life might be unmanageable.


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Joined: July 10, 2015


Posted: July 11, 2015, 2:28 PM
Hi GT,

Your post hasn't helped much with my anxiety, but I've read it twice now. From everything that I've read and watched on the Internet, you are right, it's difficult to do this alone. But hey, that's why I took the first step here to reach out and ask for some support. I didn't do it to be critisized :(

I am not getting clean for my job. I am getting clean for me. I am getting clean so that I can focus on my mental health the right way. I am getting clean for my family. The comments I make about my career are methods that I am using to hold myself accountable to a time frame. I didn't have to go see a medic and book in with a doctor for blood tests. I did that because I know that it is a concrete wall that has the mental power to push me through the tough times. It takes away the 'chance' of going unnoticed that has enabled the addiction up until this point in my life.

I think maybe my posts haven't communicated very well what my dilemma is. Can I politely ask that the 'tough love' wait until I am past withdrawals as its never been a method that has helped me succeed.

Kt
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