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Posted: April 6, 2015, 11:05 PM
This is very long and I know that's not always the best thing but I had to get this all off my chest. If you invest the time to read the whole thing I would be honored if not, I can't say I blame you.
I'm not very computer savvy and I have never posted anything anywhere before so if I'm making some kind of faux pas I'm very sorry and please feel free to set me straight. I have recently figured out that I have a major problem in my life and I have been reading posts here looking for some insight and decided to share my story. Any advice or encouragement would be much appreciated. Here goes. My story starts when I was 17. I'm 36 now so this has been over half of my life. It was the summer after my junior year of high school and I had to have my wisdom teeth removed. The process was about what I expected and I spent a couple days on the couch recovering. The pain and soreness was intense so I didn't feel the full effects of the little pills my mom was giving me 3-4 times a day. It was roxicet and I think I had 15 or 20 of them and I'm sure they were 5mg. They made me not care as much about the pain and I just sipped water and sucked on tea bags and watched tv, blissfully unaware of the demon that had been unleashed in my soul. I had a 5 day canoe trip planned with a buddy and his family starting on the third day after the surgery. Nobody thought I would be able to go, but little did they know, I had never felt better in my life. The first day was rough, but I had packed some soft foods and my buddy's parents were sympathetic and took it easy on me. That night sleeping in the tent with my buddy was great. Listening to the sounds of the river and smelling the smoke from the campfire while I was as high as a kite. Everything felt so good. I was recovering quickly and as the pain waned the effects from the drug got stronger. The next day was awesome. I took a pill with breakfast and off we went down the river. There were eagles flying and fish jumping and I saw a doe and her fawn eating at the edge of the river. We hit some bigger rapids that day and had some close calls, eventually dumping the canoe and getting soaked. It was an incredible day. Made all that much better by my new friend, roxicet. That night lying in the tent after dinner, I fell in love. Not with my old buddy, but my new best friend. It was amazing how great i felt. All the worries of high school life fell out of my mind and i felt strong and energized and totally at peace. I asked my buddy if he had ever had anything like this stuff before and he said that he had a few for some procedure and he agreed it was the best feeling in the world. Of course I gave him one and we laid there in the tent talking and laughing until we fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and when I looked in my prescription bottle there were 2 pills left. My heart sank. I didn't want to go back to the normal life. I wanted to stay wrapped up in the warm embrace of my new love forever. My buddy asked if I had any more and that was the first time I was sneaky about pain killers. I lied and said no because I didn't want the ride to stop and when it inevitably did I was heart broken. But I was young and strong and curious about the world and had so much to live for that the pain subsided quickly. Only to return a million fold later in life. The next few years were fairly normal and I don't remember if I had any more pain killers during that time, but I'm sure I had been injured a couple times and had something. But it was when I was 20 that my life really changed. I had a buddy whose father had died of cancer. He was home from college for the summer and his mother, who was still grieving, was taking a lot of trips to visit family and so on and not home much. It was a flop house. Parties every night and wake boarding all day. I was home from a job out of the country and taking some classes at the community college and hanging out at the flop house. Eventually that summer we found a shoe box in the corner of the master bedroom closet. Inside that shoe box was every pain killer known to man. From vicodin to marinol to opiate suppositories. My buddy, who was still grieving and trying to forget, opened up that box to me and few other people and I was high all summer. I still look back on that year as the best one of my life. I don't know if the credit goes entirely to the drugs as it was an awesome time in my life in general, but again, made that much better by pain killers. The next several years were marked by the occasional injury and a handful of pills or maybe a buddy would get some for something and share them (which I never did.) At one point I was working with somebody who I found out also liked pain pills. We were talking about it one day and I said that I had just tried taking some of my dogs prescription pain medicine she had gotten for a procedure with no effect and that it had been awhile and I wanted some. He asked if my parents had any and I said that I had skimmed about all I thought I could get away with. You know, a pill here and a pill there over the course of six months. I worked on six month to year long jobs out of the country and was home and staying with my parents until I left again. My new friend told me well if it's been this long and they haven't noticed, you can probably just take the rest and swap it out with some tylenol or something. I contemplated that for a week or two and then one day I did it. I had taken a few pills before but this like ten. I stole pills from my parents who I'm sure we're saving them in case they needed them. That pill bottle is still in the same cabinet in my parents house to this day. Every time I open that cabinet door it's like a smack in the face. I don't know if they found out what I had done and left it there as a reminder or if they just haven't had the need for them, but either way it is a stark reminder of my degenerate addictive personality. So here's when the s#!t hits the fan. I'm 26 and have recently started my own business when I hurt my back. Not just a little bit hurt, like on the couch, can't wipe my own butt, hurt. I sucked it up and didn't go to the doctor because I had no insurance and couldn't afford to go. No pills. I just laid on the couch and suffered for a week or two and slowly was able to get going again. Six months later, boom, back goes out again. This time I go to the chiropractor and he hurt me even worse and charged me $75.00 and told me to come back 3 times a week for the next 4 months. I said no thank you and again sucked it up and recovered on my own. Six months later it happens again. This time I go to real doctor and get pain pills and muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatory pills. It worked like magic and I was only out for a day or two. Six months later I go back to the doctor and more pills. At this point business is good and I have enough to get insurance, but I also was a one man show and I couldn't be shut down for a week or two for my back so the pills became a necessity, or so I thought. This pattern goes on for a couple years and I finally just tell the doctor "look, the MRI says I have all this stuff wrong, but I'm not bad enough to do surgery so the only thing that helps is the pain medicine. Can't I just get on a regular prescription so I don't have to come in here and waste your time every few months?" I'll never forget what he said, "you are way to young to be on a regular prescription for pain killers. Trust me, this is not a road you want to go down at your age." I said ok and left. I looked around until I found a doctor who was a little more in line my ideals. First visit he looks at my MRI report and says "Oh man, it's amazing you could walk in here." Now I want to be clear, my back was messed up, pretty bad by some standards, but walking was never in question. I did walk with a limp for about a year because I had some pinched nerves and I lost some feeling in my right leg but it was fine when I went to see him. I was looking to be reunited with my old love and get some relief all wrapped into one. I walked out with a prescription for 7.5mg vicodin. 90 of them. That was stronger than anything I had ever had before and way more of them. Plus he said see you in a month on my way out. That became a monthly ritual. A year later I had appendicitis and at my next appointment he asked if I wanted something a little stronger. I said sure and walked out with 90 10mg percocet. That was 6 years ago. Over time even my new prescription wasn't enough and I would run out. I talked to him about it and he said he would keep an eye on it and maybe up it a little bit later on. That wasn't the answer I was looking for so I went to a friend and he would sell me a few to get me to my next appointment. That became the norm. Eventually I kept needing more and more to get through. Then I go to an appointment and the doctor says well this is it, I'm retiring. Here's a few months of prescriptions to get you through and good luck. I was terrified. At this point I had gone through withdrawals a few times for a few days and it was horrible. I started looking for doctors but obviously this doctor had reputation and I would get hung up on. I knew some other patients of his that were having the same problem. I felt bad for the ones who had a truly legitimate need. I pretend to care about the injustice, but I just wanted to find somebody to write the prescription. I finally found somebody and she was very nice, very understanding, but not in complete agreement with me and my doctor. She looked at my MRI and said well a person could have the exact same report and not feel a thing. I pleaded my case and she agreed to write a prescription for 90 7.5mg percocet. Well at least it's something I told myslef. I was already buying several pills to get through so I would just need to buy a few more. Then the buddy I was buying from moved out of state. On his way out he says he told his guy about me and that his guy was willing to keep helping me out. The guy I was dealing with was an old friend so there was a built in restriction there based on not wanting to look like a total drug addict. The new guy had no such restrictions. I was only controlled by how much I could spend. It got bad. In the last 6 months I have spent thousands of dollars. In one month I bought enough to more than triple my prescription. The last month or 2 I have realized just how out of control this has gotten and any hopes or dreams of self regulating this stuff are gone. I know now that I am addicted and the only way to get control is to quit entirely. I have tapered down a certain amount but I still have the sick thoughts in my head of I need it more now than I will later and end up looking into an empty pill bottle. I have maybe 10 left which a few months ago couldn't have gotten me through a day, but I'm hoping to have these last a week. I've told myself I won't buy anymore and my next appointment is in 2 weeks. I will be detoxing. My question is, I feel like I'm done but I don't know. If I tell my doctor she will cut me off. If I don't tell her it will prolong the inevitable. If I get cut off I might go off the deep end. I'm not scared of the first few days of withdrawals as I've gone through that many times by now, I'm scared of the weeks after that. How long will I be a completely worthless piece of s***? I always feel so lethargic and depressed. I have a family now and a business to run. People are depending on me to be 100% all the time. I can take a week maybe but that's it. I can't focus and the light has left my life. Some days I wish I wouldn't wake up. I always thought i wasn't a drug addict because i didn't buy on the street but now i do. I take out my problems on my wife and my employees. I just want all of this to be over and to be one of the people that I see walking around with their family just happy to be alive but I hate myself. I was always on pretty good shape and I'm at least 50 pounds over weight now. I can't even see the top of the hole I've dug for myself. But yet here I am and all I can think about is when did I tell myself I would take another one? Was it 8? 7:45 is close enough. Sorry for the novel but I figured if I was going to this I would really do it. If you are reading this I thank you very much for your time. Anything anybody has to say would be awesome. Thanks again | ||
Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: April 7, 2015, 12:11 AM
Hi Perco, | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: April 7, 2015, 8:30 AM
Hello perc:
Your story sounds like so many others (mine included)..... I suggest you look up your local NA & AA groups (Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholic Anonymous) in the phone book or on-line and find out when their "open" meetings are. Open meetings are held by most groups regularly and the general public is invited to attend to celebrate anniversaries etc. You are not required to participate in any way .. just sit and listen. They will have speakers at the meetings who will tell their stories and I bet you will think they are talking about YOU. They will tell you where they came from and how the NA/AA program worked for them. It sounds like you are at the end of your rope (or close to it like I was). I was suicidal. Listen and try other things that folks here will tell you but in the end you may be like me (and millions of others) and see that true long-term recovery will be found in AA/NA. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: April 7, 2015, 4:43 PM
Thank you Cam and Papa Bear for responding. I've been reading your posts over and over and I reread my post a few times. I still have these sick thoughts in my head that I'm not that bad. That I can overcome the addiction and be normal. I don't think that's possible. I have to admit to myself that I can't do this anymore.
I'm really scattered right now so I'm sorry if I'm jumping around. Just the thought of running out has started the withdrawals. I can feel the anxiety creeping into my chest. I'm on a pretty quick taper with what I have left and it's not going to be fun. I already put a call into my guy to try to lengthen the taper. I know that's sick but I have stuff I have to do and I can't be shut down right now. In a couple weeks things will slow down and I'll have more time. Thing is my guy has become super unreliable lately so I have no idea if he'll even call me back. I want to call my doctor and see what she has to say and if there is anything she can do for me. I'm at a point here where this stuff might end up not just being a horrible inconvenience but might actually cost me a lot. This is one of the busiest months for me and if I'm out of commission there will be serious consequences. Cam- I think that answers part of your question as far as having somebody cover for me at work. The answer is no. I don't have to be there every day, but I can't take more than a couple days now and maybe at best a couple weeks when things slow down. I have told my wife what's going on to a certain extent. She knows I want to quit and that means I will be in withdrawals and unable to do much. She doesn't know the extent of what I've been up to for the last year. If I told her I wouldn't have a wife anymore. She has an absolute zero tolerance policy for that kind of thing. I know it's not right to lie to her and the money I've spent was money we could have used somewhere else. It's not fair and I will come clean to her at some point, but the last thing I need right now is to be moving out. As far as everyone else is concerned I think I want to put that off too. Nobody in my life would be supportive of what I'm going through and couldn't understand my problem. I will probably come clean to more people later, but I don't want my dad to call me every name in the book while I'm already feeling so horrible. I need to be strong enough to tolerate my own existence before I handle that. I appreciate your help very much. Papa Bear- When I was 23 I got a dui after a night of drinking $2.00 long island iced teas. I am a fairly normal drinker and I actually haven't had a drink at all for at least 6 months. In fact I don't really like anything other than the pills. I don't really like those anymore but I still take them to stay 'normal'. I've done a lot of drugs and drank a lot but nothing was even close to pain pills. I've done cocaine and Meth and all kinds of things but is was always able to just do it and walk away. Pain killers are completely different for me. Anyways when I got my dui the lawyer didn't fully explain the alcohol assessment process that we have here. So I walked into the thing blind. I answered all of the questions and the person told me that I didn't really fit the profile of an alcoholic, but if I felt like I wanted to do deferred prosecution she could make that recommendation. As I was weighing my options, my lawyer went ahead and set up the deferment process. I went to court and the judge said oh wow you definitely are an alcoholic and you need treatment. So that's what happened. I spent 2 years in outpatient treatment and had to go to 2 AA meetings a week during that time. It was an incredible experience. I didn't think I needed it at the time so I put zero effort into it but I certainly learned a lot. I went to a few NA meetings but I didn't relate to those people as much. At least where I live the majority of people were there for Meth and I couldn't relate. I had done meth a couple times and it was fun but i couldnt see the apeal of it. And at that time i wasn't in full blown addiction like i am now. I understand that addiction is addiction and whether it's Meth or pain pills or alcohol the process is the same, but I think I would need to find a group where I feel like I'm the same as everybody else or at least a few people. I know you can extrapolate from the stories to fit your own but I'm just afraid I would get turned off and start looking for the differences and tell myself I'm not as sick as these people even though I know I am. Maybe I just didn't go as far down the road as some people, but that doesn't make me different, maybe just lucky. So I know I need to find something but I have to find the right group. Where I live that might take a while. Probably going to any meeting would be better than not going at all but I just know myself and I'm still sick and the sick thoughts would have me finding the differences rather than the similarities. Any advice you have on that would be much appreciated. I see the value in going for sure but I just feel like I need to get through this time thinking I'm the most sick twisted person in the world and make my drive to succeed help pull me out rather than start thinking oh shoot, I'm not that bad I'll just wait for next appointment. Maybe just during the first little bit. I know I don't have a choice in the long term. Again I'm really sorry if any of this is bad or off topic or whatever. I can barely function in a normal way right now. I can barely focus on anything. The kids are home for spring break and my wife has really bad allergies so I'm starting withdrawals and I'm in charge today. I have so much office work to do but I can't do anything. My mind is a piece of s***. Oh and I wish I would have thought a little harder about my name. I was trying to be clever and so now I'm getting called perco. That's not really how I want to be known. For the time being can you just call me T? I kinda screwed that up. -T | ||
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Posted: April 7, 2015, 5:12 PM
I just can't stop thinking that it's so ridiculous that something that is designed to alleviate pain can cause so much. I'm just sitting here with my kids watching them play without a worry in the world and I keep thinking I would give anything to have that. Just to be ok. To enjoy things for the sake of doing them and not tell myself this easter egg hunt would be so much better if I had a few pills in me. Everybody else was having a blast and I was thinking about pills. I just want to be over this and have my soul back
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: April 7, 2015, 7:09 PM
Hello T and welcome! I can relate to how you are feeling. There was a time when I too couldn't do anything without thinking about pills. Life was a daily struggle cause I always had to have them or be "dope sick". I too was like you and couldn't just take time of work to get better. I had lots of excuses just like you, and that's what they are. If you knew you were dying and had to take time off for other medical reason's you would right? Well my friend you are slowly but surly killing yourself with the amount of pills your taking and the length of time you've been taking them. Reaching out trying to get help is a good first step. Only you know if your an addict. And your not gonna like it but you need outside help. You are worth saving. Your children need a dad. A dad who is there no matter what. I can't tell you what's gonna work for you only what worked for me. After time the pills don't work anymore. They cost a ton of money! Then I moved on to heroin(said I'd never do that). Make a list of all the things you said you'd never do for dope and see if in fact those are the very things you are willing to so to get high. It went downhill fast. I ended up losing everything. So since I lost my home, my job, my son, I found the time to take care of me and went to treatment. It was a brief stay but none the less it helped me get going in recovery. I regularly attend NA meetings and the 12 steps have saved my life. I was deep in denial about my addiction. I too was like you, a human garbage can, took whatever to change the way I felt, and could quit cold turkey, no problem, until I found the buzz the pills gave me. At first it was great, I had lots of energy, could get things done fast and was happy. It don't last long before you can't sleep 8 hours cause your body needs the drug to maintain that "normal" feeling. 6 hours at best was how long I could make it without getting high. That's no way to live. Today I am free of active addiction. Find a NA meeting you like and go and listen. You can also check out online meetings at stepchat.com and na/recovery.com. Keep coming back cause you are not alone and you belong here. Never give up trying to get your life back! You are worh it!
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Posted: April 8, 2015, 2:11 PM
Thanks girltoday. You're absolutely right. I am the king of excuses. I'm also the grand wizard of procrastinators. Not just with this subject but in all aspects of my life. It's my biggest character flaw. I'm lucky that I haven't lost everything but it could happen at any time. I know that. That's the main reason I know I have a problem. The first time I went and bought from somebody that I didn't know as a personal friend was just 6 months ago or so and it was maybe a month before my wife was supposed to give birth to my third son. That's it though, three boys and we're done. I kept thinking on the drive to meet this guy how messed up it would be if I was in jail for the delivery. Did it stop me? No. That's when I knew who was in charge of life. I made every excuse in the world for that to justify it in my head. At the time I didn't really know how sick it was. I have since scaled way back and am back to about what I was prescribed before my old doctor retired. Which means I still can't make it without a few extra. I'm not bragging or anything I'm just saying I know it's a problem and I have been actively trying to stop on my own which is another sign of having a problem.
I agree with your point that if I had a medical condition that I would be forced into taking time off of work but that would happen with the same consequences. My business would suffer huge loses and would possibly collapse. I understand that could happen anyway, but the people I have surrounded myself with would be way more sympathetic towards cancer or something than this. I'm sure I would get a little more help rather than disgust. I can take some time, but my options are pretty limited. I said before that I'm not really afraid of the withdrawals because I have gone through the first few days to maybe a week several times before. I know exactly what to expect. I'm primarily concerned with the time after that. I have lost my love of life and all motivation. That's how I feel now, in my supposed 'normal' state. I know that in the past after the misery of the first few days I feel super depressed and the tiny bit of joy and motivation I might have are completely gone and I can't even move my body. I'm trying to figure out first how long that will last and second if there is anything I can do to make it better. I've seen a bunch of home remedies and stuff but I don't know if they do any good or can be trusted. I've also seen the stuff they sell like withdrawl ease. I don't know if any of that stuff would help. I'm sure once you get far enough on the other side things get better. At least that's my hope. I just want to find some joy in life. I also have a family history of depression and I don't know that is part of my problem and I might have been doing some self medicating for that. I don't know if some antidepressants might help at least in the short term. I don't really like the idea of trading one drug for another, but if I don't get the feeling of pain pills then I'm sure I won't abuse it. There's beer in the fridge from last summer and bottles of alcohol that are least that old and my wife has Valium and Xanax and everything else that I don't touch. I've taken all of her pain medicine though. I'm just not into anything else. I'm not trying to find differences between us or more excuses for myself. I know I have a problem. I know the only difference between us is that I've been lucky so far. I know the road I'm on ends in hell. I can see it. I know that I will never be able to have pills and take them in a normal way. Which presents an entirely different problem because I know that with my back problems never taking another pain killer is probably out of the question. I know my back will continue to get worse as time goes on. Remember I started taking them for legitimate reasons. I have pain every day. At first it was the only way I could get anything done. The problem is they have taken over my life and sucked the life out of me. That's part of the reason I want to quit now. I know as my back gets worse I will need more and stronger pills to alleviate the pain. I want to save that for when my back is really bad. I can survive without them now and I have to. It's just a terrible place to be. I feel trapped. I don't want to focus on the future though. I don't want to think about future problems and how I will deal with them. I need to just focus on getting through this. I have a problem now and I have to fix that. I'm sorry if I sound like a sick person. Constantly making excuses and scamming angles. I'm not trying to figure out how to make it work. I know I have to stop. I think I need to tell the doctor everything and hope she is willing to help me figure out how I will do this. I can't imagine I'm the only person in the world that loves pain killers and also has a legitimate need for them. Although my need isn't very strong right now and I've been taking them primarily for my addiction. | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: April 8, 2015, 3:33 PM
perc:
I am posting AA's HOW IT WORKS and NA's HOW IT WORKS. I will also post AA's "The Promises" if we work the program. Let me know what you think about them, if you think you qualify and if you like The Promises. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The...AA_Promises.pdf All the best. Bob -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: April 8, 2015, 4:29 PM
I just don't know if I'm completely there. Of course the promises sound great. I think that's a recipe for anyone to experience a life well lived. I know that going to alcohol treatment probably sounds like a clue but I was far from an addict at that point. My lawyer was shocked that I didn't want to do deferred prosecution because you basically get off your dui charge and told me that after he already signed and mailed the paperwork unwinding it would be impossible. So I went begrudgingly at first but then I looked at it as an opportunity to learn something. And i learned quite a bit. I learned that there really isn't a way for an external source to determine if you are an alcoholic or addict. I mean you can see extreme behavior and say it's likely but for people like me who straddle the line the only true way to know is if you feel like you are or if you fear that you might be or you fear that you might become one. All three of those categories can be classified as addict/alcoholic. I think I'm sitting somewhere in between the last two with one foot, maybe a toe, clinging to the not side. By definition that means I am one. Here's the tricky part for me. They also talked a lot about rock bottom. They would say that everybody has a bottom and they aren't all the same. I have not reached a point I would consider my rock bottom. I know I have much further to go. I'm at a point where I know what I'm doing has to stop and continuing on this road will end badly. But it hasn't ended badly. I don't want to wait for it though. So I'm trying to make this my bottom by looking at all the wrong I've done. How sick it is. But I can't see it being my bottom no matter how hard I try. The thought is always there that it's not that bad. I have strayed far from my moral compass but not far enough to ruin anything yet. I know I'm headed there and I want to stop before I get there. I'm rereading this and when you take it in context with the other stuff I've posted, it sounds bad. I don't even know what to say. I am the king of excuses. I'll start looking for meetings
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Posted: April 8, 2015, 7:17 PM
Congrats on admitting you have an addiction. I'm one of those people that don't get hooked on the pain meds , can use them for the pain, but won't be a slave. On the other hand being the co-dependent of an addict sucks. Literally sucked the life out of me for awhile. Still struggling as the person I care about still spirals down going nowhere, and all I can do is watch or know what is happening. I understand much more but not the real intensity of major WD's, even though I suffered the physical but not the mental. There are amazing people here that understand. I wish you well and hope you achieve your goal. I might add you're fortunate you have not lost everything important in your life, like many others have. Good Luck.
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Posted: April 9, 2015, 12:26 AM
I had a long talk with my wife so she knows what's going on. The withdrawals are starting now. It's going to be a long night
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Posted: April 9, 2015, 4:06 AM
Restless legs and anxiety are pretty bad now. I've watched a bunch of the YouTube videos from the guy you suggested Cam. Definitely inspirational. This is the first time I've really felt like an addict. I just don't want to sweep it under the rug anymore. I tried calling my doctor today and to explain what's going on but she's out for 2 weeks. Lol. Her first day back is the day I have my next appointment. I will tell her then. That'll hopefully be enough time to figure out if I'm depressed because of the pills or if it's something else and if it is the pills hopefully by then I'll at least have glimpses of hope. Oh man I have so much s*** to do and I have no time to feel like this. I am stressed the f out right now. Just so we're all clear I called my guy but he hasn't come through and I figure at this point the withdrawals have already started so why go back now. He'll probably call me tomorrow or Friday. I can't go back now though. I have to do this
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: April 9, 2015, 4:40 AM
Hi T,
You can do this, you have already started withdrawing, there is no point fighting it. Stick with this and stay the course. You need to make a choice, a conscious decision that you are going to commit to this. As I mentioned, feel free to email me if you need direct chat during this tough time - cameron.geddes@outlook.com Such a great step telling your wife everything, that is huge. Congratulations, must be a relief. Delete the phone numbers from your phone, hell, get a new phone/phone-number. If you're serious, it is time now to do things differently. Ryan has over 200 videos on his channel. I swear, watch them, especially if you are going through withdrawal and your starting your recovery journey. It seriously helped me so much, it may have also been the difference in me staying clean or going back to my addiction. I can't thank him enough and that's why I contribute to his channel, and I also write with him on the CalmSupport blog. Read the blog entries too, I mean, if you want, they can be very helpful. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. Note - there is a proven/researched/clinical link between prolonged opiate use and the causation or worsening of depression in people. Since quitting, my anxiety and depression feels like it has reduced by as much as 70 even 80%. I cannot tell you the difference, it is remarkable. Now that may not necessarily mean you will experience something exactly the same, but it is possible. Hang in there, are you taking some time/days off, if so let me know, I have some tips during this time. As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: April 9, 2015, 8:15 AM
perc:
I came to realize early on that I had a 5% drinking/using problem and a 95% thinking/mental/emotional/spiritual problem. My real dilemma wasn’t getting clean/sober but how in the world to LIVE clean/sober on a daily basis and enjoy it. To thrive. If you think that your problem is the drugs then put them down and go through your WDs. Problem solved. If you put the drugs down, go through WDs, then find yourself unable to cope with yourself and the world without "medication" then come to NA/AA as millions do. You will soon know which side of the fence you are really on and that truth will save your life. All the best. Bob This post has been edited by Papa Bear on April 9, 2015, 8:15 AM -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: April 9, 2015, 1:16 PM
So I have been tapering the last couple of days. I have 3 left. I plan on taking one or 1.5 today and one tomorrow morning because mornings are always the worst for me and then figure out the last one. Most of the withdrawal symptoms have already started. They have been coming on slowly so I don't know if the slightly prolonged misery is better or not. Last night was rough. I went to a vitamin store and bought some supplements I thought might help. I also have a prescription for muscle relaxers and broke down and took one last night to try to get some sleep. It helped a lot. I slept about 5 hours which is about all I get anyway. Right now I'm not feeling good at all. I'm not sure if tapering is worth it. I've moved a few things around and I should be able to basically relax until monday. Although at some point this weekend I have to do my taxes. My wife can help with that but I have to most of it. The diarrhea woke me up this morning. It's miserable. I'm starting to stress out about my guy coming through. Not the old stress of him not coming through, but I have no idea how to deal with it now. I'm tempted to get them and hold on to them for emergencies but I know that's sick. The problem is I already gave him the money so the ball has already been set in motion. He's being his normal flaky self and not responding so I'm worried he'll just send a text and say they are ready. I have no idea what I would do. I'm done with them but I think having them would be too much temptation. As I'm writing I'm hearing it and I need to tell him to either give the money back or just keep it. I don't even care about getting high I just want to feel better. That's all its been for the last year or so. What a horrible thing. I should've listened to my first doctor and never went down this path. Part of the reason I'm writing this is to be accountable. how messed up is it that easier to be accountable to strangers I'll probably never meet than to myself
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: April 10, 2015, 3:43 AM
Hi T,
If you were on quite how amounts like you said for so many years than the fast taper you are going through will probably not do much anyway with regard to your withdrawals. If I was in your shoes right now, this is what I would systematically do. 1. Flush every single pill and pain-killer I have. 2. Send one last text to your guy, tell him you don't want any more pills, he can keep the money. 3. Register for a brand new phone/phone-number 4. Get some immodium or loperamide 5. Get some acetaminophen and ibuprofen for pain 6. If you can - get sudafed, no codeine or other opiate-based pain-killers included 7. If you can, with help of your wife, lay-out your clothes for next 3-5 days 8. Get some powerade, gatorage for re-hydration. 9. Get some movies and TV shows ready, they can help pass the time. You need to take action, to commit. It's time. As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
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Posted: April 10, 2015, 12:14 PM
I woke up this morning actually not feeling that bad. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours this morning as I was waking up but I kept looking at the clock and it was from 730 to 745. I must have woken up and fell back asleep 20 times in that 15 minutes which was really weird but I feel rested. I took a muscle relaxer again last night to help with sleep. I know this probably isn't the best way to go but if I can wake up today and not feel like an absolute pile then I think it's worth it. I have one pill left and I have a long drive to do today and I think I'll keep it with me in case I start freaking out on the road. But I woke up today with no desire to take it. The anxiety isn't so bad today. I can barely lift my legs and arms. If I don't take that last pill today I will throw it away and today will be day 1. I told my guy I wanted my money back. He'll drop it off one of these days. I always hated dealing with him so that's not like a trigger or anything. It's just a chunk of money I could use to start getting my life together. I hope today can be day one. I don't want to trade this not so bad morning for a pill later. That sounds stupid. I think ending addiction is similar to becoming a Christian. I think you can get caught up in acts and miss the point that all you have to do is believe that Jesus died on the cross for you and you're in. Very similarly if you truly want to quit all you have to do is tell yourself you are done. Once you believe and commit to it your brain starts changing and the acts will follow
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Posted: April 10, 2015, 12:16 PM
Bold statement for a guy with zero days of recovery but I thought this morning would be hell and it's not that bad
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Posted: April 11, 2015, 1:10 AM
Long day but good day. Cam I can't do a few of the things you suggested. My phone is also my business phone and I can't get rid of it. I think those are a great set of rules for most people. I did flush my last pill today so today can officially be day 1. I had to go to Seattle today to get stuff for my business and I carried that pill around with me all day. As soon as I walked in the door I flushed it. I was stuck in traffic for 4 hours and I still didn't take it. Today was surreal. I felt like I was outside my own body. I was talking to people and doing things and I'm not entirely sure how. I drove for hours and hours and was able to think about everything. As I'm sobering up I'm starting to get a little clarity and see how messed up some of the things I did really were. The lines I crossed and things I said I would never do but when you're desperate for a high you'll lie to everyone including yourself and do whatever you have to. You'll be happy to know I just got back from my first voluntary aa meeting. I'm going to try na tomorrow. I met a few people who go to both and I think they can help guide me. I'm actually feeling ok today
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: April 12, 2015, 10:58 AM
T,
Where you at with your withdrawal/recovery? Quick update on how you are dealing, strategies, and what is your plan going forward, you will need one. Cheers, Cam. | ||
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