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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: October 22, 2014, 4:48 PM
Hello my dear, dear friends all over this board... I call myself SOBSAT as I'm so deeply, sincerely Sick Of Being Sick And Tired...my codeine addiction has reached a place way beyond anywhere where reason can exist...I currently take about 120 nurofen/panafen plus pills teach containing 12.8mg of codeine each as well as the ibuprofen)...most sickening is tHat I have been doing this for almost 10 years now....I am a mother of 2 gorgeous girls and have a wonderful supportive husband who's tried his everything to,help me off them before...I actually work as a health professional in a large hospital and see countless times what addiction of many sorts do to lives and their families....but It still does not spur me to stop...I have had 2 brief periods of sobriety...one about 4 years ago when I came clean to my GP and he admitted me into a rehab facility...stayed clean for about 3 months then right back to it..and again about 6 years ago when I wasn't taking so much...did them all cold turkey...I once read in this awesome forum that "doing the CT is the easy bit...it's abstaining later that's hard".... I cannot remember who wrote that but how true it is!!I suppose I went back and relapsed after a few months of being clean not because I wanted to be a slave to the pills again...but to just have a brief moment of euphoria/clarity/warmth that it gave me amidst my troubled past, my present thoughts and worries and to just escape from the depression of my mind for a brief period...pathetic I know...this is actually so embarrassing to write but it's like I feel I know so many of you...I read your posts and feel your pain and sometimes cry when I feel your anguish written between the lines...God bless you all....you are all such wonderful people and what I would give for us to all get together and chat, debrief and learn from each other's experiences... Wow that would be something huh....? My addiction started when our 2nd child was born and I had an infected c-section-was given panadenine forte-initially could take them as they made me feel sick but I beared with it and found I got to like the feeling it gave me...so I had more and more..when I couldn't get anymore I went to the OTC nurofen plus and all was well- got my fix which spiralled on the up,and up,as the years went on...this is my 2nd day ct- usual stuff - diahorrea, cramps, restless legs, insomnia...I want some more codeine so bad...this is what worries me- the other times I detoxes ct I swore I'd never touch the stuff again...even tho I did...and this detox I don't want to take them anymore but still have that OVERWHELMING urge to take just maybe 1 pack of 30 to see me thru- I know I can't-God help me...I feel so privileged to have shared my story with you..I don't think anyone will read it but it's helped me get it off my chest and face up to the demon that is sapping every life and breath outta me...bless all u wonderful, lovely people out there - thankyou for even ℅ spidering to read my journey so far,...lotsa luv
xxxSobsat | ||
Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 22, 2014, 7:37 PM
dear SOBSAT, I am hearing you lound and clear I am 72 hours without neurofen plus. I was at thirty a day all in one hit. I hear you when you say all you want to do is take some codiene to take the edge off I hae been doing that sort of stuff for years telling my self just one more time. The cold harf fact is that there is no such thing as one more time.
At the moment my cravings are bad and I am so tired. But I have to do this, I have a five yr old girl who needs her mother. I gave up smoking ciggs in febuary and that I can tell you my friend was a walk in the park compared to this. They say giving up large amounts of codiene is like coming off herion, I don't know how much truth there is to that. You can do this. Why not do it together with me, if you feel more comfortable talking via the e mail mine mine is becbaker76@outlook.com hang in thre two days is awsome and before you know it a week will have passed by. In regards to the restless legs syndrome which usually happens at night and it's bloody awful. Try some compression stocking which I am sure you can get from the chemist and also some strong elastic brown banadages and wrap tightly around both legs ( very tightly ) I have found this to help alot. Please stick in there, you are worth it and your kids need you. I am on this site most days at the moment whilst I am going through this withdrawal. It also might be a goo idea to pick up some magnesium and some immodium as well as bananas. Check in soon, will be waiting for your progress. Also please don't be hard on your self if you fall off the wagon, if you have read through my recovery diary you will see I failed many a time until I hope now I have finally got it. Look around for some AA/NA meetings. I have found them to be very helpful | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: October 23, 2014, 9:40 AM
How are you doing?
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 23, 2014, 8:31 PM
Hey There, how are u going, would love to hear from u. Even if your not doing well it doesn't matter no one here is judge mental.
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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: October 24, 2014, 4:46 AM
Wow...I cried when I saw that someone had replied to my pathetic post... My dearest Aussie Girl and Girl Today...I just wanna grab you both and hug you like crazy!!! You will sincerely never know how very touched I was to see that you guys both made the effort to give someone as pathetic as me the time of day! Thankyou from the bottom of my heart...this is really hard for me as I've never shared like this before because I was and still am sooo embarrassed but mostly ashamed of what I do and what I've become...a pill popping waste of space... I'm seriously embarrassed to say that I've messed up...again...couldn't stand the WD's so stupid me toodles off down my usual 'run' of chemist hopping and buy 4 packets of panafen plus 30's...(I have about 8 pharmacies that I 'rotate' on...it's embarrassing to say that after 10 years of this s**t I actually kinda know which pharmacists are on and who to avoid cos they recognise me)...so yesterday I had a total of 120 pills...sickening I know...I feel sick with shame just re-reading that...I must say that I didn't want to write anything yesterday because I screwed up but thankyou so very much for not judging me...I feel so desperately alone even tho my husband is great...he tries but does not understand the pull these evil pills have...I AM a slave to them...today I've only had 30 all at once about an hour ago and that's barely touched the sides...I work for the next 2 days and have to decide whether I take a pack to see me thru work or if I start CT again...for me if I go CT tomoz...I'll prob start feeling the WD's sun arvo...not sure what the hell to do yet...my gosh I'm such a selfish cow...I'm gonna stop rambling on about me now as I have a msg for awesome Aussie Girl! Xx
My dear Aussie Girl :) I would absolutely loooove to go through detox/WD's together with you (that sounds crazy doesn't it like I'm looking forward to WD CT again!!-what I guess I'm saying is that it would be a great idea to do it with someone like you hun!! xx) the terrible loneliness and isolation I feel most days is overwhelming, so I would feel priveleged and blessed to share this experience with someone else who knows this merry go round game...! So you have a five year old little girl darl?? How sweet...they're lovely but challenging at that age!!...I bet you see her little personality really pushing boundaries huh!??..my gosh and u still managed to give up the fags in feb? Whoa u go gurl!!! I'm still smoking like a chimney (I'm a bit of a closet smoker as I too have 2 girls aged 11 and 15 who don't like seeing me smoke)...you must have incredible will power- good for u hun...so you must be well ova your 3rd day codeine free!!! That is so awesome and I'm overjoyed for you...that 3rd to 4th day is always a killer for me and you've nailed it girl well done!!! I am soooo happy for you...what I would give to be in your possi!! How are u feeling today? Thanx for your tips re the compression stockings etc...you are dead right when you say it helps!! I have my little 'CT pack' (yes...sad I know!) with a couple of pairs in there. The diahorrea is another killer for me...I go thru so much Imodium it's not funny...I'd loove to hear how u r feeling today sweety??...may I ask which state you are from hun? (I'm from WA)- can't wait to talk to u again soon...sincerely hope u ok...*massive hugs* xxx Sobsat | ||
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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: October 24, 2014, 4:56 AM
Hiya Girl Today!! Again from the bottom of my heart I'd like to just say a massive thankyou for taking the time to read my pathetic post and thankyou so much for not judging me...this has been so hard for me-actually writing down all about my slavery to codeine...I know it must sound stupid to you but it actually felt a bit scary!...there seems to be soooo many amazing, wonderful ppl on this forum like yourself and Aussie Girl and for the first time in my 10 years of codeine addiction I don't feel so alone anymore! So thanks again...may I ask which state you are from? I'm from Perth WA...(...I'm not sure if I'm allowed to ask that?? Sincere apologies if I'm not supposed to...sorry this is the first time I've ever been on a forum or chat-thingy like this so not sure of the dos and don't ! Whoopsie!!) anyway would love to hear all about you and how codeine affected/?still affects you...how did you kick the addiction? Look forward to chatting soon darl!!
xxxSobsat :) | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 24, 2014, 5:53 AM
It's so good to hear from you, I have just finished driving around to get to a NA meeting but got completely lost and am now so emotional because I really wanted to go. I am a QLD girl from Brisbane. I understand completely when u say your a slave to these pills, they hve ruled my life for far to long. I usually take thirty a day but have known to take 60 on many occasions. Giving up the smokes was a walk in the park compared to this. I am now at the end of day four and my emotions are out of control. I just don't know who I am with out the NP. It became my life. I lost myself and I don't know how to get it back. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time even one hour if I have to. I won't über cot it, It Is going to be the harder thing you will ever hve to do but once you get through it thing will get better. I tell myelf that every hour of every day at the moment. Please don't be hard on your self if you fall, I have failed many a time as u would read in my recovery diary on this site. It dosent matter what's going on just keep coming back. You deserve to be happy, to take your life back and have joy.
Hang in there my friend take a leap of faith. | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: October 24, 2014, 8:23 AM
Hello and welcome! I am an addict and my name is Jessica. My story is not unlike yours. I am from the US. I live in a big city. Louisville Ky. I was a human garbage can. I dumped everything i could get into my body to change the way i felt. The pain pills became a problem after i had my son. I was perscibed 120 perks and i was off from there. Soon the pills didn't give me the buzz i was looking for so i got into heroin. Soon that didn't work so i got on methadone. I still didn't want to clean. I just didn't want to be dope-sick. Withdraws are the pits! I lost everything i ever owned because i just couldn't stop using. I did get into treatment when i got some help and got into NA. I had tried to quit many many times on my own, but it never worked. I can relate to how you feel when you seen that someone had replied to your post. I felt the same way. Someone here spoke to me from their heart and it made a big difference to me. I have been clean for over 2 years and i still don't do this alone. I go to NA, have a sponsor, and work a 12 step program. I also come here to talk to other addicts about addiction. Life still happens and sometimes it sucks but i make it through it clean and that is a miracle. One day you really will get sick and tiered of being sick and tiered. You will have to want to be clean more than you want to be high. I'm so glad that you came back after using. Never give up. Keep coming back! You won't find a lot of people around here who post and stay. Some make it some don't. Some die.
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 24, 2014, 5:19 PM
Hey there how are you going, I have been thinking about u. I'm so very tired again today I am so hopping this will not last to much longer. It's awful. Have u thought about maybe seeing a GP and getting them to help u if u haven't already.it has always been the anxiety that got me running back to the NP, my doctor gave me a small amount of Valium to take the edge of, it dosent do a lot but I think it has helped. Probably not a gret idea obviously due to it being addictiv which is why my GP only gave me a few.
Check in soon hey, dosent matter if your not doing well, sometimes it's just good to share with people how know exactly what your going through. Bec | ||
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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: October 25, 2014, 9:44 AM
Hiya Girl Today!!...thanks so much for sharing your story with me..wow I certainly take my hat off to you...you've really gone thru hell and back by the sounds of it...but it also sounds like you're an incredibly strong, amazing gal who's gained a wealth of knowledge from your experiences...wow you're amazing!...2 years clean...amazing...well done...I could learn sooo much from you hun! I hear you when you say you just couldn't stop using...I've read so much about the psychology behind addiction and it seems that although some quit CT and go thru the hell of WD etc but they end up using again because they have developed an almost ingrained/programmed way of only being able to doing life and cope with everyday stressors by using some drug or substance...that's what I struggle with (amongst the many aspects of addiction!)...I struggle with this constant drug seeking behaviour where it's like I don't know life except thru codeine-coloured glasses...after 10 years of codeine abuse I don't know myself, I don't know how to 'do life' without codeine...even thru very brief periods of being clean...I always, even unknowingly, searched for something/substance/pill/pick me up to help me cope...codeine has become my way of coping...even tho I now only take it to avoid WDs (the 'high' or euphoria I get is minimal and very short acting even when I down 30-60 in one hit)... So much so that the feeling I get from taking them is not worth the trouble of going out to get them and take them and then put my liver and stomach at risk... But I do it simply to avoid WD...it sucks huh? Sometimes when I'm at traffic lights and I see people crossing the road etc..I mentally ask myself "I bet she hasn't just taken 120 panafen plus tablets today and look...she's managing without them just fine.."... Stupid I know but as I said...I think I've actually reprogrammed my brain over the last 10 years to only be functional when doped with codeine...this is evidenced by the theories that endorphins etc are not produced in there normal quantities when addicted to codeine...but it's a theory isn't it...who knows really what the hell goes on in our brains...all I know is mine is totally effed at the mo!!...s***e I'm babbling aren't I...sorry...probably not making any sense at all so I better shut up!!! But it's so good to hear you're doing well Girl today...thanx so much for listening to me dribbling crap!!
Dear Aussie Girl...my heart goes out to you sweety...so you're feeling tired big-time huh?? Gosh I know that feeling all too well in my 50 million attempts at CT...you are doing AMAZING girl...just hang in there as hard as it is...you're nearly there!! So what day are you today..day 4 is it??? Wow that's awesome hun...I work today and tomorrow and will restart my CT on Monday...God help me...just think..when I'm just starting to WD you'll be nearing the end of your worst period!! How's the anxiety this time around hun?...I have scripts for Valium and Ativanq but I try to steer clear from using them as I am too scared of getting hooked on em...I do find they are helpful during the acute phase of WDs tho so don't beat yourself up if u need to use them...when I went into rehab a few years back I was given clonidine which helped a lot but zonked the crap outta me...I found the hardest and most uncomfortable part of WDs for me was the body aches and leg cramps and the diahorrea...is this similar for you hun??...I'm so angry with myself for buying more last week... But I'm gonna give it another go on Monday...so my last dose will be tomorrow night...I sincerely feel for you right know Aussie girl..I've been where u are so many times and I know how hard and awful it is...I so wish I could give u a huge hug right now...you are seriously doing so well and again just think and remember when I start WD you'll be near the end of it...you are so strong and I just feel you'll make it...how is your little girl? Do you have much support from your partner, friends or family?? How are you managing with work/or studies and looking after your little girl? I so hope you feel a little brighter and less tired tomorrow...it's the lethargy that's a killer for me...so I hope you're getting at least a little rest and being kind to yourself...you're doing awesome hun!!! Really hope to talk to u soon Lotsa hugs xxxS This post has been edited by SOBSAT on October 25, 2014, 9:53 AM | ||
Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: October 26, 2014, 12:04 AM
SOBSAT,
First, your story isn't pathetic, you are not pathetic. You are an addict. I was a nurse for over 20 years. I had to find a field where I had no contact with narcotics. You keep posting. You amazingly are helping others. You are on your way so don't give up even if you relapse. Pick yourself up and try it again. It will get easier if you are sincere about getting off for good. My suggestion although I know embarrassing is to go to each chemist and tell them you are an addict and do not want anymore no matter how desperate you get. When I told my pharmacy, I was embarrassed but very relieved after. Those mind thoughts will go away. Keep busy, go to a meeting, exercise. Keep telling yourself you can do this, you will get through this. Hang in there and keep posting. | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 26, 2014, 12:30 AM
Hang in there my friend as u probably read on my entry I had a fall.......I feel at a lost....but it's not going to stop me. Have to go out again will check in with you later.
Bec | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 26, 2014, 4:46 AM
Hey girlfriend, how are u.......so tomorrow is D day........you will be in my prayers.........it's going to be dam hard but I have a feeling that you have more strength then u think and a firmly believe u are going to beat this once and for all......u are going to have to dig deep.......I hope u have some time off work to go through the worst of the withdrawal.......even though I took husbands endone this morning......major disappointment......it's been 6 days with no NP the diarrhoea is still bad but no abdo pain........I very tired as I had no sleep last night and had a few to drink.......I don't drink or smoke ciggs any more except last night I had a few...... Don't feel so good today.......keep checking in and if u do fall like I have just get right back up and start again.....will be thinking of you
Bec | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 26, 2014, 7:02 PM
How buddy, how you feeling, I hope not to bad yet. Check in with us good or bad it dosnt matte. Completly no judgement here. Look forward to hearing from you.
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 27, 2014, 5:43 PM
hey thre are you still with us, don't isolate yourself as I said my e-mail is bexter76@outlook.com if you would rather talk that way.
stay strong | ||
Posts: 54
Joined: April 15, 2014
Posted: October 29, 2014, 5:05 AM
Hey SOBSAT, hope you're OK. Check in when you can. You'll only find support and non judgement here.
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 29, 2014, 4:36 PM
Check in babe
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: October 31, 2014, 12:20 AM
Check in babe
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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: November 1, 2014, 7:31 AM
dawn4na...thanks so much for your reply...that is such a good idea but I am too ashamed hun....how are u going on your journey? Hope u are well? XxxS
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Posts: 17
Joined: October 22, 2014
Posted: November 1, 2014, 7:33 AM
Hiya Ellen1234... How are you going today hun? Thanks for listening to me ramble!! xS
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