Saving My Daughters
Posted: March 13, 2013, 1:29 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



Hello my name is Amanda. I'm 31 years old and I am an addict of 7 years. My story isn't anything that most addicts haven't experienced themselves or at least know someone who has experienced this. I started work, threw my back out, went to doc and he started writing me hydros, 3 a day. I noticed I liked the way they made me feel so I told myself it was ok to take em afterall doc was prescribing them... so y not? It took me 5 years out of 7 to admit I am an ADDICT! My addiction began after two of my 3 daughters were born but again I told myself it was ok becuz of doctor. After the first 5 years I began using massive amounts. my boyfriend at that time would beat on me often and any time I was able to make an excuse to have them then I would use it. I fed myself from his abuse, chose to stay while my daughters watched n horror as I got beat on. Fortunately for me and my 2 girls he was sent to a prison out of state for past due child support. I wasn't currently working anywhere and became desperate for pills and money. My daughters and I had to go stay at a homeless shelter becuz I had no means to support them. I met a man who promised me he would see to it that me and the girls wouldn't need for anything if id be with him only problem hes 30 years older than I. it was easy money tho and to an addict easy money is wonderful no matter what the price. Before I realized it I was pregnant with my third child I reached out to my ob/gyn for help but all he did was start writing pain pills for me he had me on eight a day. When my last daughter was born she had 2 stay n the hospital for 3 weeks while doctors filled her full of morphin just to taper her from hydros without her havin to suffer. Social services came to the hospital and said that they were opening a case against me. if I use again my children will be removed from my care. I've not taking a hydro since oct. my baby was born in sept. I have been allowed to seek treatment thru a suboxone clinic for me to be weened off hydros. i'm now terrified that I;m gonna lose my children. if u have any advise for me plz share I need all the help I can get rite now. thanks
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Posted: March 13, 2013, 7:35 AM


Posts: 868
Joined: August 11, 2012



Welcome Amanda! Glad you found this site! Lots of good people here with great advice. Do you have a support system like NA to help you? I have a son who I was very fearful of losing when I was using. I now am off the drugs and life is good. I have my son. I have good days and bad days. I have friends in NA real friends that help me everyday with whatever I need. Even if I just want to cry and not talk they just listen. I never had friends like that before. Getting your girls back won't be easy but I have seen recovering addicts get their kids back when they work a program and no matter what DON"T USE! I know it's easier said that done but you can do it and you don't have to do this alone. It's has been 285 days since I've done drugs. It gets better I promise! Hang in there together we can do it!



Jessica
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Posted: March 13, 2013, 10:40 AM


Posts: 9142
Joined: December 1, 2005



Hi Amanda & welcome.

I'm glad you found us. The horrors we go through to feed the addiction is amazing, I still, looking back, shiver at some of the things I did or endured to feed my addiction.

I loved what Jessica shared. I, too, could not stay clean on my own will power, I needed the guidance & support from others and I found that in AA (I am also an alcoholic) and by working the 12 steps & living life on a set of principles, I have been relieved from the hold of addiction. I also have many more good days than not. I no longer live in fear from CPS, police or any other government authorities and that used to paralyze me with fear.

Keep coming back. Find a local meeting and go. Don't short change yourself. You are worth all of this.

xoxo
Stacey

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: March 13, 2013, 11:23 AM


Posts: 2
Joined: March 13, 2013



I have three daughters of my own and a wife that is drop dead beautiful. She could have any man she wanted and I have to say I've been blessed, because she has stuck by me through my addiction and prison. My wife has never even taken any drugs in her whole life. She treats me like a god and have no idea why she is still with me. All i know is i thank God everyday i still have her. I've been using Percocet for 25 years and been through withdrawal countless times. I'm 43 now and the withdrawal seems to get harder and harder as I get older. But I can give you some good advise. Do Not Stay On The Subs For A Long Period Of Time!!!
I have found a great way of tapering down quickly , I was taking 2 80 op's in the morning and 10 30's through out the day. This is how I tapered down and it might sound off but it really works. You just have to hang in there.
Day 1. 4mg morn. 4mg dinner
Day 2. 6mg morn 6 mg dinner
Day 3. 8 mg morn 6mg dinner
Day 4. Nothing
Day 5. 2mg morning
Day 6. 2mg morning
Day 7. 2mg morning
Day 8. 2mg morning
Day 9. 1.5 mg morning
Day 10. 1.5 mg morning
Day 11. Nothing
Day 12. Nothing
Day13. 1mg morning
Day 14. 1mg morning
Day 15. Nothing
Day 16. .50 morning
Now let me tell you it wasn't easy by no means . But I was able to function and the withdrawal symptoms were very mild. The first few day were the roughest . Your diet is crucial and drink water , water ,water , water !!!! Another thing that no one seems to talk about is Bee Pollen Granules!!! Do yourself a huge favor go and get this for yourself. You can get it at any health food store or whole foods. But get the granules not the powder or pills. You will be completely amazed at how good it will make you feel. It's a pure miracle. The bee pollen granules have everything and more to help your body recover. I feel for ya sweetheart and I'll say a prayer for you and your daughters. We are cursed to have been delt this card in life, but it is what it is and you can do it. Like I said I've been playing this stupid game for 25 years. And the last time I was clean I had three full years totally sober and life was beautiful and I enjoyed it. I don't know why we relapse but meetings are the key. And believe me I hate going to meeting and it took 25 painful years for me to realize that's the only thing that helps people like us. Good luck sweetie and I hope anything I said will help you. You can do it. Don't forget the Bee Pollen Granules , I promise you'll thank me.
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Posted: March 13, 2013, 11:25 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I think I must have given the wrong impression about my situation in my first post. I still have custody of my 3 girls. I still get the wonderful pleasure of waking them up at 6 a.m. 5 days a week to get them ready and off to school. My newborn stays home with me of course. Ever since I gave birth to my first child I started a routine that I actually had with my mother as a child... before bedtime every night the 4 of us set down together, we tell each other as many positive things that we feel about the others. For example, I will start off by telling my oldest daughter Tessa that I love her level of self-respect that she has because I watch her do her make-up, hair, and nails each day. I follow that up with other things that I love about her. Then I move on to the next girl. once i'm finished with Tessa. Each of us say something special to each other! After we are done and everyone has had their turn we go into their room with a book. Each night we enjoy a good story! Out of 12 years I haven't not once missed out on that wit my children... even when they weren't home, I would just call them. That is the best time of the day for me... that is the moment I cherish the most! Even during my pill popping days I continued our tradition. Now as I wrap up the day and set with my girls at night I have this over-whelming fear that comes into me that makes me wander if it's gonna be my last time with them. One slip up and they are removed! My DCBS case worker says she has no sympathy with mistakes or relapse. I can't afford a relapse! I have dreams about pills... dreams that I take em... dreams that i'm making a run to get some...it's just crazy! If someone had told me 8 years ago that i'd be an addict today I would've laughed in their face! This is not who I use to be. I'm not currently involved in N/A and I don't have a sponsor. To tell thetruth I wouldn't know where to find a sponsor at. As for the tapering advice that was given... I am only allowed to have suboxone films in my system anything more or even less I am considered as being non-compliant with social services. I feel as tho I am fighting a losing battle!
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 12:23 AM


Posts: 1018
Joined: November 19, 2005



Dear ladybug,
Why do you feel you are fighting a losing battle? This is a battle you can win. I understand your fears. I too have children although they are grown up now. Back in 1993, drugs made me feel like superwoman. The house was clean, the garage, the nieghbors garage. I was the perfect PTA mother, signed up to coach my daughters teams. The list goes on and on. After about a year, I was none of that. My house was a disaster, I started to call off work, the house was in forclosure, they were reposessing my car. One night I was passed out with my 2 and 3 year olds running around the house. Husband at work and his sister came over and called the police. Oh, I was angry at first. Today I believe she saved my life. Instead of this being a tragedy, maybe look at it as a Godsend and get the help you need. It is scary in the beginning. These pills make you feel and think you can't live without them. Going through the withdrawals sucks but it doesn't last forever. I went cold turkey. And I survived. I could not do it alone. So many times I tried ever which way. I tried tapering, only doing it on the weekends. I swore I was never going get more and always got more. How I stopped was going to counseling which introduced me to NA. If you want to stay clean and get DCFS ot whomever off your back- it takes work. First, I had to get rid of all the people places and things that provided me with the drugs, I too had to get honest with my doctor. And the pharmacist.
My withdraals were pretty bad however I pretty much went to as many meetings as I could so I wouldn't think about them and keep my mind off the drugs. It isn't hard to find a sponsor. Go to a few meetings and listen for someone you can relate with who has some amount of clean time. In the beginning, they can just be a temporary sponsor. I had babysitting issues because my husband worked nights. I took the kids with me. I had to do it. I was risking losing a lot.
Some mothers are so deep into their addiction that DCFS won't even faze them. I hope you are not one of them. Do what you have to do to keep your tradition going. Look at it as a postive thing. Your children want their mother. All of her. There is hope.
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 10:20 AM


Posts: 9142
Joined: December 1, 2005



QUOTE
I have dreams about pills... dreams that I take em... dreams that i'm making a run to get some...it's just crazy!


This dis-ease is crazy, it's cunning, baffling, powerful & patient. The dreams are completely normal, if that even makes sense. When I quit taking the pills, my body still craved them, I would have moments in early recovery where I literally felt like I was going to die if I didn't use but I didn't use, no matter what, and one day at a time, the cravings got less. The dreams are a way of the dis-ease permenating the subconscious and trying to work it's power. What I learned to do is Thank God every time I woke up from one of those dreams that I was still clean & sober and then I'd ask him, again (every morning) to help me stay clean & sober for that day.

It's a one day at a time thing for me. I pray & then I stay in today. I understand the feelings that you have, I had them myself and I just want to assure you, that's not right thinking, that's still remenents of the drugs and in time, your feelings & thinking will change as long as you don't pick up that first pill.

Here's the link for NA. If you want more than anything to stay clean & sober, then I would suggest going & just sitting and listening at a meeting.

http://www.na.org

Keep coming back. You're in the right spot.

xoxo
Stacey


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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 1:16 PM


Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004



I second and third what Dawn and 24Gordon wrote. You don't have to do this alone. You can't do it alone. I couldn't either. This disease will take you down, kick you to the curb and then kill you if you let it.

My story isn't much different from anyone else here. Thought I was super mom while taking pills. I could do anything! Except just be me. I didn't like me. I didn't know me. AA/NA was my life line and after 9 years of being clean and sober, they are still there for me when I need them. The 12 steps taught me how to live life on life's terms and be ok with who I am. My kids have forgiven me and more importantly, I've forgiven myself.

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I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember.
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Posted: March 17, 2013, 11:17 PM


Posts: 2213
Joined: March 29, 2005



I have read your post,and I think its horrid about dhs ,they take kids away from the mother,I think thats just so very wrong,yes drugs are bad,but being with foster family is way bad.you never no what there going throw.I never had that problem I dont have little ones.and I was raised so very differently.but please no you are a good mother and person.and these women who work for this dhs are not rite .there very cold hearted women. maybe just some of them care,but overall there bad,to threaten you with your kids to get better,is plan wrong,you have a drug problem,they should pay for your treatment,and take of your kids until you get better,by putting someone with you in there home.but thats a dream I guess,please no you will get better I promise .just talk .and stay on your meds.ask family or people for help.dont be scared to reach out sweety.it just makes me so upset that they scare you like that,its so wrong.bless you angel-poopie

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just remember we are here to hold your hand..
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Posted: March 23, 2013, 1:44 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



So sorry that I haven't been on here lately! It's very easy to forget to take some time for myself when I am always trying to keep up with these 3 girls!! lol I'm NOT complaining though because I am so thankful I am able to do that! I want to say thanks to everyone for there replies all the love and support shown means sooo much to me! I'm gonna update everyone on whats been going on lately. I may veer off the subject at hand though if I do I know u all will know y as u read this...
My struggles to not use has been extremely hard on me these last few days (all stress related triggers). My first struggle began when my 11 year old came in from school questioning me as to how I would feel if she told me she was gay! At first I assumed she's asking just out of curiosity and ONLY out of curiosity! Boy was I ever wrong! As a matter of fact, I soon began to find out why she was asking when her teacher makes a personal call to me from her home the exact same afternoon that Tessa ask! I was informed that Tessa had been caught in the bathroom kissing another student! When Mrs. Rich first began to explain this she said that Tessa had been caught kissing another student in the bathroom and it was her job to inform the parent of their physical contact! Of course, when she said this Tessa's question came to mind immediately so I ask what was the other child's sex? Did Tessa go n2 the boys bathroom or did a boy go n2 the girls? or was this student just so happened to be the same sex as Tessa! Yes, as u all have read this u already know the answer. My gut told me I did too be4 even having to ask! So here I am finding out my daughter kissed a girl AT SCHOOL, IN FRONT OF OTHER GIRLS! Once the teacher and I hung up I tried to question Tessa in the most calm and considerate way that I could think of. I knew if I didn't go easy on her then she would shut down on me and I'd not get anything out of her! She explains the situation like this...
A female classmate of hers gave the girl that kissed Tessa .50 cents to kiss her. So, Tessa felt she had to do it because someone had paid money for them to do it! So all these girls decided the best time for them to do this "kiss" was during bathroom break! So, Tessa and this other girl kiss then all the girls start saying . "eeewww" and "aha" so loud the teacher hears them out in the hall. She goes n to see whats going on and all the girls tell the teacher what happen! Tessa and the other girl get a punishment of an hour and a half in time-out!
O.k. so to all mothers that are on this page... u can only imagine what i was feeling! I'm not prejudice against homosexuals! BUT I, myself, prefer men and women together but it's 2013 being homosexual is not uncommon! I will never turn away from my child no matter who she chooses to be with! I did however get very upset about the situation. First off, she's 11! When I was 11 I was still playing with Barbie's! AN 11 year old girl shouldn't already be kissing anyone! Second of all, these kids are already intelligent enough to know people give people money in return for some kind of a sexual exchange! Last and foremost, her first kiss, the very first kiss my daughter had was with another female only because of an underage pimp in her school paid for it to be done! I was in need of a pill escape and I was in need bad! (or so I thought) I'm proud to say though I DIDN'T USE!
My 6 month old baby, Liberty, had to have her immunization shots! This triggered a need before she even had them! The thought of it made me want to find an escape cause I knew she was gonna hurt and cry! Needless to say, I always cry when they get em! Made it through the shots and came home. Liberty begins to cry and fuss which she never does unless she's sick! I noticed a low grade temp so I give her Tylenol. Within 2 hours of being home she started getting little rashes on her legs. I take her to our veterinarian (local hospital) although they shouldn't even be consider a hospital in all reality, (due to the lack of intelligence... most people call it a veterinarian clinic, ... others call it a band aid station lol. Doc tells me she may have fever for 3 days the rash is nothing serious just a small reaction from the shots! I bring her back home! I had her sleep n the bed wrapped n my arms so I could tell when her temp was up again. At midnight I wake to her skin scolding hot against me! Temp was 103.8! I dispense her Motrin, strip off her clothes, and call the hospital nurse! They tell me still it's reactions from the shots not to worry! Well, I guess I am just unable to do that! I am a worrier when it comes to the health of my girls! I am glad to say I made it through all that without using also! Liberty is doing well now! :) <3
Next thing I get thrown my way is by my DCBS caseworker coming for our "home visit"! When I see her I panic! And that is an understatement as to how I reacted this time! I didn't answer the door for her because I was terrified too (I don't really know why either I haven't done anything wrong)! Just knowing she was knocking on my door was enough to send my whole body from the inside out into a panic and cause me to start jerking. I lost control of my muscles, I wasn't able to ,make myself stop jerking! My shakes then started my vomiting... as my vomiting increased I lost all ways of being able to breath... puking out my nose and mouth. When my body wasn't able to catch a breath I became light headed! I managed to get to my bed so I could be on the bed if I lost conscientiousness and I wasn't far from it. I gasp for air between each projectile upchuck! I started praying to God in my mind to plz make it stop and to help me catch my breath and start pulling myself together! It gradually came to a stop! This episode wasn't one that made me want to use... I was thankful I wasn't using during this situation!

Another trip was made to the ER after my episode. This time, I had to take my middle daughter. We live in an apartment. We live in an upstairs apartment which has concrete step to go up and down in order to get to the top apartments. Alexis went to ride her scooter as Tessa and I was making funfetti cupcakes! All I heard was a loud commotion and a scream. Tessa said I pushed her into to wall as I ran outside but I don't recall doing that to her! I know that Tessa wouldn't make it up though! Alexis had fallen just as I had expected when I heard all the noise! She says she only fell down 3 of the steps but I wasn't out there so I didn't see. She is bruised really bad on her legs, her wrist is sprung, and her back has a hairline fraction between her shoulder blades! She's in a ton of pain but I'm so thankful it wasn't even more serious than it is.

I am exhausted just by telling what I've been through! When I begin thinking and worrying I have these urges! I always managed to handle the most awful events while i was using. I can't really even think of a moment that I wasn't able to handle high! I even lost the one and only Granny that I still had alive during my pill popping days! I was her pick of the litter when it came to her grandkids and she was my most favorite Granny! I loved em all but she was extra special! When she died... I cried a little but not nothing compared to what everyone figured I would have! I now realize I didn't give myself a chance to grieve... I stayed messed up to deal with life. My closest and dearest friend ask me what happens when I take one? My reply.... "You don't have any aches and pains! None physical or emotional! It seems to numb emotional pain better than physical! My heart doesn't feel like it's breaking anymore when something bad happens!"
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Posted: March 23, 2013, 10:16 AM


Posts: 6235
Joined: May 31, 2005



Well I am a homosexual and the advise I can give you is that you gave birth to this child,you have nothing to do with her sexual orientation and if you get indignant about it,you could lose her forever.I grew up in the 70's where parent's disowned their children because they were gay.It's pure ignorance plain and simple.You need to educate yourself about it because today many families embrace their gay children.What if she wanted to dis-own you because you're a drug addict?

If it's an issue with your religion,talk to your minister or even a therapist.Do you really believe anyone wants to be born gay? It's not an easy lifestyle but you can make it better by compassionate understanding.What I am hearing is a lot of judgement.Addicts don't need to be judging anyone.It's not too late to change your attitude.My dad was a minister and they basically disowned me in high school and I moved out.

Even at mother's deathbed she screamed at me that i was going to hell and she would never love me.Think of how a person must feel when their own parents lash out at them.I just gave her a few extra pumps of morphine drip to shut the b**** up.I'm not trying to be flippant but you really need to do some soul searching and quit creating histrionics over something so innocuous.I have a very fullfilled life.Most of my client's know I'm gay and all my friends do.That's where I get the love and respect i didn't get at home.

The most wonderful thing will be when she falls in love and picks a life partner.You can share that or become bitter and resentful.And yes,you are homophobic.The first step is telling the truth.I hate to see families divide over this issue.I also have born again Christians who embrace me for who I am.The world is changing.You can accept that or live in a cocoon where the only priority is what you want.

I'm sorry I probably shared with you some "not so feel good stuff" but being gay I felt like you needed to hear it.

BTW...have you checked out any meetings? You don't have to live with these urges.That's a choice.A support group,sponsor,the steps will all take awy the desire to use if you want it.
Good Luck

This post has been edited by Tim on March 23, 2013, 10:21 AM

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user posted image

"Sometimes the biggest catch will bite you in the a**"
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Posted: March 24, 2013, 3:33 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



Tim,
I am very much offended by your post! First and foremost, let me reassure you I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBIC! I have NOTHING against homosexuals and as a matter of fact if you re-read my post you will indeed realize that I didn't go into any detail about what my reaction to my daughter was about her questions of being gay! My niece is 16 years old I have known for a very long time that she was gay! She shown signs since she was little. Her mothers response to it... "I'm have nothing against gays but MY daughters NOT gonna be GAY!" Well as her Aunt, I took her out alone and told her that I loved her for who she is and if being gay is who she is then thats just the way it'll be! It makes her no different today than yesterday because I love her completely! I would and will feel the same way about it if my daughters turn out to be homosexual. Just because I said I was upset that 11year olds are exchanging sexual favors for money, and have knowledge of homosexuals, and then act on some of the things that other kids teach them in school was in no way shape or form intended to mean i was against homosexuals. You have really bothered me by your reply. The statement you made of my daughters not accepting my addiction because I didn't accept their sexuality has really hurt me bad! I love my girls! I accept everything about them! I bare no judgement, I have no complaints, I am 100% blessed by God to have these girls. I am blessed to have their love, I am blessed to know they are learning from my mistakes and I pray they don't follow in my footsteps! I am truly sorry that you had such a traumatic experience with your own parents. I wish everyone would realize that being homosexual is not a choice it's something a person is born with! I know my niece is not going to be accepted by my sister. My sister has done told her that she will go to hell for being gay. I have tried reassuring her that she will not go to hell for being born that way. I tell her God wouldn't have condemned her to the pits of hell before she was born by making her feel this way... she has no reason to be ashamed and no reason to feel scared of her sexuality thinking that it will condemn her to hell. I want her to know she can be whomever she wants and be proud to admit her sexuality! So, Tim, this is my actual feelings on the subject of homosexuality! If, for some reason, I made any remarks that made anyone even begin to think that I am judgmental or against it then I want to APOLOGIZE! I am truly sorry for any and all mis-communication! Thank you for responding to my post even if it was out of anger fueled by my original post! I'm looking into your advice about getting help from N/A and sponsors! Thank you and I hope you feel better about me now! I'm not an evil prejudice homophobia!! God Bless You! <3 :)
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Posted: March 24, 2013, 7:26 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



What I am reading is reasons as to why you have needed the pills. We all have tough stories and lives and honestly the disease doesn't care who you are or what you have or haven't been through.

Hopefully the threat of losing your daughters will be enough to keep you clean.

Go to NA meetings...go to two a day and there you will find a sponsor. They take you through the steps as we need a guide to help us. You CAN do this! And you will hear way crazier stories than even your own and they will keep you grateful. Don't pick up no matter what!!!

I have three kids of my own and just tear up at the thought of anything happening to them or them not being with their momma.
Good luck!

Much love,

Kerry
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Posted: March 24, 2013, 9:01 PM


Posts: 6235
Joined: May 31, 2005



Well I certainly apologize but I guess I didn't interpert what you were saying correctly.It's a bulletin board and what I read is not always right.When you're not actually talking to someone it's very difficult to convey messages.Even after all these years,there are certain things about my parents that seem to push my buttons.I have almost 7 years of sobriety,worked the steps but I know I harbor some very deep resentments over family issues.I probably will the rest of my life but I have come as close to acceptance as I can.Unfortunately,they both died and at the time I wasn't clean so you can imagine how many "What Ifs" that come up.

As far as the program goes I would just go to some meetings and listen,you dont have to talk.Get some phone numbers of people you can call when things are tough.I didn't want to go and for a long time I just set and listened.A guy came up to me and asked how long I had been sober and basically appointed him as my sponsor.

I just want you to know that you don't have to do it alone.We all remember what those urges felt like and talking to another addict that understands will start changing your life.I know God has kept me around for a reason because I should be dead.

The urges will get better each day.Just don't take that 1st pill,put one foot in front of the other and keep an open mind.

Again,my sincere apologies and hope you stick around!

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user posted image

"Sometimes the biggest catch will bite you in the a**"
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Posted: March 25, 2013, 11:27 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



No apology was needed but it is definitely accept and appreciated! I was really just taken back that you thought I was against homosexuals. But enough about that! I am here for support with my addiction and as each day passes I feel myself getting stronger. The triggers are still present and I am pretty sure they will always be present. My oldest girls are in school and my 6 month old just laid down for a nap! I believe I shall curl up next to her and join her in dreamland! It's snowing here not much going on, no need to be anywhere else, so I shall go for now! Thanks to all of you who take time from your days to reach out and help me! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
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Posted: March 27, 2013, 12:15 PM


Posts: 9142
Joined: December 1, 2005



How are you doing, Ladybug?



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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: March 29, 2013, 10:20 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 13, 2013



How am I doing? Wow! Seems like such a simple question to answer, but I don't know how to respond. I have become so use to saying, ' I'm Fine! ' regardless of whether or not it was true. I really don't know how else to answer that. I guess I'll just say this... I still haven't used! I am remaining pill free at the moment! :) That's always a good thing to be able to say! My 3 little ladies are all getting ready for Easter Sunday... looking forward to the Easter Bunny stopping by! I don't know if it's just me or if they seem extra excited this year. I question myself on that. I see them laying out their Spring dresses, hear them whispering to each other about what they hope the bunny leaves them tomorrow night, and answer the question of "when are we gonna dye our eggs?" for the 100th time. I try to recall the last 4 or 5 Easters that have past and I try to remember their excitement from back then but I draw a blank. My heart aches that I can't remember! I hurt deeply by the thought that I made them lose out on the fun stuff that goes along with each holiday because I was drugging myself up! I cringe knowing that this only last for a very very short time in a child's life before finding out the truth. I took the beauty of it from them even faster. My oldest daughter reminded me today that last year I was the one who told her there was no such thing as an Easter Bunny! I know she's right. I remember doing it! I pulled the car off the side of the road told her to get out and meet me at the trunk of the car. My words were ... ' I know you already know the Easter Bunny ain't real so I thought you might want to go shopping with me this year to pick stuff out!' As we got out at the store we were shopping at she said... 'Mom I still thought the Easter Bunny was real! Well until you told me!' I could've crawled under my car! So, I ruined my childs imagination and sweet day dreams about the Easter Bunny, Santa, Toothfairy, etc. I deserve a cookie for that smart move! She saw the hurt in my eyes and does what she does best... she tries to reassure me that it's o.k.... she says, "I have more fun doing it this way with you MOM! I get to help you pick out what sissy gets!" Bless her little heart... she never lets it slip out , instead she indulges in the pleasure of telling her little sisters things that makes them believe even more! She is one great kid!
My social worker came for my monthly home visit this week! It went alright I guess. She never said or acted any different! It was so scary for me. I lose myself around her. I start trembling and jerking in a way I can't even describe. I've never been so scared in my life.. but I've never faced losing my kids either!
So it's spring break for the kids! I get to have them with me all next week! I am super excited and glad about that! I love when all 4 of us stay home just hanging out together. I feel so complete... I feel so much more happier with all of us together. I worry about my food supply now. Having them means having 2 extra meals each day in place of what school had been providing for them. I will NOT panic though because the Good Lord has always opened a door for me when another closes and I know in my heart He will do just that this time also.
Thank u for asking how I am? It's a weird feeling now compared to before! I always said fine before and i was totally NOT fine! I think I really am doing o.k. now and it's a great thing to say since I am actually saying the truth!


Now, my turn! HOW R U?
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Posted: March 30, 2013, 1:55 PM


Posts: 6235
Joined: May 31, 2005



I hope everything turns around for you and now that you're clean,it will.Your story reminds me of that saying"In the darkest of night is when we will see a light".

I can tell you love your kids and I hope everything positive for you.

Keep the faith.

This post has been edited by Tim on March 30, 2013, 1:56 PM

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"Sometimes the biggest catch will bite you in the a**"
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Posted: March 31, 2013, 11:01 PM


Posts: 2213
Joined: March 29, 2005



ok.why did you say you took your daughter to the vet,I thought you were talking about your dog.confused,maybe I nne to read this again.sorry was just wondering.hope your better sweety.poopie9

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just remember we are here to hold your hand..
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Posted: March 31, 2013, 11:09 PM


Posts: 2213
Joined: March 29, 2005



TIM ,im so very sorry sweety,I cryed about your post about your mother yelling at you,omgolly the pain,,tim just no your heart is carried close to me,and ladybug.your doing awesome angel.poopie

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just remember we are here to hold your hand..
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