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Nurse Addict
Posted: November 9, 2012, 12:26 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



I am trying to taper because i have to work. I have been stealing and taking from work. Up to 100+ of morphine and at least 15 percocet an vicodin. If im off for two days i panick and steal at least 30 vicodin to keep withdrawals to a minimum. I withdrawal anyways though and it sucks. It is all i think about. I think i should keep a taper journal but once i open that narc drawe it is over and i tak the strongest pills availabe first. I gotta be at work at 2 and i dont wanna do anything but will surely do enough to prevent s***ting on myself lol. Then im off the weekend. I am hoping ti continue tapering over the weekendm i am a nurse and know how to do this and guess i am looking for shame or support. Ps 30 yea rold female that has used consistently for pas t year
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Posted: November 9, 2012, 12:37 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



Just reading the amount of morphine, oxy,percs,and vic i do is crazy. I hve a super high tolerance to weigh so little. A lot of criminal activity In what i am doing as well. Hope some1 can relate
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Posted: November 9, 2012, 1:48 PM


Posts: 9142
Joined: December 1, 2005



Welcome, Nurse.

Glad you found us. I agree that your tolerance is very high. I would suggest you check out detox/rehab and go, quickly before all your organs start shutting down and you die. As far as your job, you won't have it long once they catch you stealing the narcotics. This isn't to shame you, this is just the facts.

You have a choice today. You can pick up and make a phone call and begin your journey of recovery, or you can keep doing what you're doing until all your choices are taken from you.

Keep coming back,
Stacey

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: November 9, 2012, 2:48 PM


Posts: 168
Joined: July 4, 2012



They will help you if you ask.They have to.It's such a huge problem with RN's,doctors and lots of people who work in hospitals.They would rather pay the money for you to Rehab than train another nurse.I have a friend who was caught and he didn't lose his license but did have bto go into treatment.
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Posted: November 9, 2012, 4:48 PM


Posts: 183
Joined: December 22, 2011



Nurse - go tell your employer and beg for mercy and help.

Seriously. There's no such thing as tapering in our world. Someone with your high doses? If you get fired and lose access to all of that...the next thing you know, you'll be buying heroin. I know this because it is what I did when the pills got to be where I needed so many just to catch a buzz and it got too expensive. The heroin was much cheaper and a strong high. It didn't take long for me to be doing 8 bags a day, then 10, then 12...it went up sooo fast. It got out of control and I almost lost everything.

Please go talk to your employer. Tell them what's happening to you. Beg for help so you don't go to jail. They can prosecute you and then you'll have a record. You do not want that trust me, you'll not be able to find good work again.

Shame you? No. We are all addict here and the fact that you are an addict is nothing to be ashamed of. It is shameful though to steal. So, I'd try to figure out a way to repay the hospital for what you took as well. Hopefully you didn't take it from some patient that needed it! I've heard of nurses doing that! One of my pain pill addict friends busted her nurse doing just that in the hospital. Hahaha..dumb move trying to steal from a junkie, she knew exactly "how much" she was supposed to get and how much she actually got. But a lot of people do not know any better so I imagine nurses can get away with it somehow.

The drugs change us all honey. They become first in our lives, like food and water - we think we need it to survive. Your brain chemicals are probably a mess and need time to heal. Have you considered Suboxone therapy for a while?? Maybe seeing an addiction specialist and having them help you with a game plan to kick this?

Sobriety isn't nearly as bad as you think. In fact, I was sure I'd be bored sober. Guess what? I'm not and it's weird how once your brain begins to have some time away from the drugs..how your head and perspective begins to change.

Good luck and keep coming back. We've all been there and worse. Don't think you are a bad person either. You aren't. You are probably a good person who is doing bad things to keep her habit going. Time to end this. Before you die or end up in jail. Please.

Love and prayers going out your way....

Melissa








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"If some great catastrophe is not announced every morning, we feel a certain void. nothing in the paper today , we sigh.”
Paul Valery

“Self-love, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.”
William Shakespeare

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." George Bernard Shaw

“If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.”
Jimmy Buffet
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Posted: November 10, 2012, 11:41 AM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



I appreciate all the replies! I am off for two days and i read y'alls replies and it helped. I am currently in withdrawal (minor) and I have not taken any morphine in days. Though I am honestly more scared of the tylenol that's in the vic and perc. I have a brother addicted to subs and would rather not switch. I want to get back to a year ago to when i only smoked a joint every nig/ht and would only put organic/natural food/products in or on my body/house. I despised the pharmaceutical companies: now look at me. Stacey U R RIGHT if i don't chill and get a handle i will die; God help my liver...been using milk thistle and hoping it counteracts my carelessness. What is crazy is I have a boyfriend that has been sober 5 years and he is (i know he possess the tools to help me/guide me) living with me and i keep my use private...i know he knows but he has seen me withdrawal and i guess he thinks I toned it down...i guess i have off and on but i am dead serious this time. I cant take time off of work, i have no health insurance all i have is 2.5 weeks vacation saved but need that for a move from colorado to east coast. I will def not have any way to get pills then but need to get it together before then(will have abundant access at my new job but i dont want these pills to ease my anxiety (i think it is why i self medicate). I awakened this morning at 6am and have been aching/ headaches but it is the anxiety that kills me. I have ample supploy of clonidine,tramadol,xanax,lyrica,pot, and herbal remedies i can brew into tea. I dont have time to do this detox fully in cold turkey. I can and have taken 3 days off but i cant function well on that fourth day at work and restart the cycle using less and less but usually have one bad day and do so much i puke it up.. God i may need to switch professions. Sorry i am rambling. Gonna get on the eliptical for a few and will then reply a little more. I am not even sure what i am seeking but u guys replying is helping.
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Posted: November 10, 2012, 12:33 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



Wanna add that approaching my employer and/or repaying the facility back is not an option. Most of the drugs were gonna be destroyed anyway and unfortunately the healthcare field...especially nurses are so judgemental when it comes to addiction. I read two awesome books in the past four days written by nurse addicts and they were awesome! Anyone have some book suggestions particularly a good one during the worst of withdrawal. I hope i am not wrote offas being a lost cause and your suggestions keep coming. I am probably putting myself through unnecessary hell with my "taper" and should just cold turkey but i feel slow progress is being made. If i can keep it down to vics and percs (as i have this past week) then i think when my 3 days off comes maybe the withdrawals will not be as severe as with the morphine,oxy and other strong opiates i was taking daily. I have been withdrawing all week due to my cutting back and when i took a 30mg of the reformulated oxycontin and i puked it up so good sign my tolerance is lowering ( 2 weeks ago 100mg of liquid morphine plus 80mg of oxy wouldnt even give me a nod). So this morning at 6am i took two 5mg percs and only have 15 pills for the weekend mainly vicodin. Its gonna be a rough weekend but i havethe will power to make them last till mon morning then i planon doing less and less(hoping the next two days off i can get by off 10 vic then following two days i have off i will attempt a cold turkey using my supply of what i mentioned in previous post. I know i mentioned having benzos for my withdrawal but i only use those with phenergran the night before i gotta work to sleep throuh the cold sweats and stomach pain. I have to be functional at work as i am on the
go 8-16 hours. I have so much to say and it is all coming out so random so bear with meplease.
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Posted: November 10, 2012, 1:15 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 26, 2012



I am in health care too & I understand. I am a social worker & addiction in our fields does have a stigma among coworkers we are suppose to help people. Can you get a position where you are more in management or the paperwork side of nursing? Having the temptation everytime you are at work will be your undoing & it's not what if you get caught it is when you will get caught then the humiliation will be worse. Please find a meeting to go to & get a sponsor before that happens. This site is very helpful as well I read it every day

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Things do not change we do.
Henry David Thoreau
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Posted: November 10, 2012, 3:38 PM


Posts: 1008
Joined: November 19, 2005



Hello nurse and welcome.
I am a R.N. I am disabled now however I was a ER nurse for over 20 years. You do have the option to tell your employer. They will get you in a program. The one here is CADUESUS-it is for all healthcare professionsals who are addicted.
I felt the same way you did and this was back in 1993. Today things are different. I could not stay in the hospital setting or anywhere around narcotics because I would continually relapse. I didn't start out with narcs. Cocaine began my journey and got me into recovery. Most emloyers will give you help and after tretment, a position where you are not dealing with narcotics.
How are these drugs not being accounted for? Where I worked even the disposed drugs required two nurses. I sure hope you don't get caught. You never know where cameras are nowadays.
I began with a drug counselor who suggested NA. Even going to the meetings I couldn't stay clean. I could not be around the drugs. They are too much of a temptation and too easy a relapse. I am not saying quit your job however, I have seen too many nurses who became addicted and needed to find a different postion to stay clean.
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Posted: November 11, 2012, 2:19 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



Wanna apologize for not replying directly to each person. Not sure why but i cant see replies when i want to reply. Could be because of mobile format. I am layed up on the couch with my nook...bubble gut is a mother#$%&* lol (not funny really it sucks).
To the ER RN, I work as a float nurse in ltc and rehab so we have a lot of deaths/hospice patients with liquid morphine/roxanol. After they pass or if a patient discharges I take. Dont know if I should go in much detail. We do not use pyxis but paper trails. It is risky but obviously too easy.
I only took 8 pills yesterday and 2 vic this morning to ease bubble gut...doesnt work much but I have def cut my use my 65-75% from two weeks ago. I guess I am tormenting myself but I cant not work 8 hours much less 16 in full blown withdrawal. I have 6 vicodin now and have to spread them out.
Not sure if it is the withdrawal but I am rethinking this relationship i am in and have slept on couch for two nights. Not because of fighting i just dont feel close to him like i did high. He has been clean 5 years so it is not due to to him using. Is this normal? Another reason i cant go to detox is due to being the only one working. I have my boyfriend and my brother depending on me and i guess i am making exuses but no health insurance. It is crazy because a year ago i would take an a## whooping before a pill. I started with poppy pod tea and those withdrawals were hell and when i was working one day after about 3 months of no poppy i figured hey why not. It is free and will help me get through these shifts..what a dummy :-/. Do u guys think my withdrawals will be mild once i get to 6 5mg vicodin and then cold turkey. I mean i am withdrawing now just no puking like i do without the vicodin. I know i was using crazy amounts of morphine and at a minimum of 20 pills a day varying between percs/oxy/demerol. Honestly vicoxdin does nothing to me but keep puking at bay. Gonna end here...i can see i am rambling/jumping around due to anxiety being high. I appreciate everyones help.
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Posted: November 12, 2012, 3:53 PM


Posts: 1008
Joined: November 19, 2005



You are delaying the inevitable. There really is no easing withdrawals. Some people take the suboxone route but it doesn't sound like you have health insurance and it is very expensive.
I hope you consider totally stopping what you are doing. Go to a few NA/PA meetings. You will find nurses, doctors, pharmacists there. You will also find people who are seeking recovery and will go to any lengths to get it.
Get help now before it gets worse -and it can get so much worse. The end results for addicts are jails, institutions and death. It is a proven fact Or you can choose recovery.
I used to think that I was needed to take care of everybody. I loved that caretaker roll. The only thing it did was keep the focus off me and the pain and insecurities I was going through. Honestly look at yourself. If you weren't there, they would still make it. With or without you life goes on. The only one hurting is you and the only one that can change that is you.
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Posted: November 12, 2012, 4:58 PM


Posts: 168
Joined: July 4, 2012



My qusetion to you is if you detox,which I seriously doubt being that you said it was easy to get the pills,what are you going to do differently?

I've not known of one addict that can work around pills and not eventually use.

There are meetings for nurses and doctors in larger cities and from what I hear about the one's who didn't lose their license,they had to change the field in which they worked,or they worked where they did not have access to drugs.I think Dawn is right because if you do get caught,you will either be forced into detox,have to make meetings and do UA's randomly.
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Posted: November 23, 2012, 12:02 AM


Posts: 2211
Joined: March 29, 2005



IM so sorry sweety.but maybe going to this new job,with more access to drugs is NOT a good thing,I was CNA FOR 36 years ,and also had some access to them.but never took them fear of being put in jail.IM a big scary cat.but I do take tramadol 6 a day,and been on the for 2 years,with no problem,but please be aware that if your around them ,that's not so good,there are good jobs out there they dont have drugs around,for nurses,good luck my sweet friend poopie

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just remember we are here to hold your hand..
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Posted: November 24, 2012, 6:25 PM


Posts: 8548
Joined: April 24, 2007



It eventually catches up to you and you lose your job anyway. My husband's cousin was a nurse for 20 years in the same hospital, they got onto her, warned her then kept watch. Even knowing they were watching she couldn't stay clean with all the availability. Lost that job, hospital agreed not to give a bad reference, got another job, got caught again...fatally ODed in her living room after realizing she had no hospitals left that wouldn't figure it out.

It's a job...don't let it kill you.

Peace ~ MomNMore

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You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
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Posted: November 25, 2012, 10:32 PM


Posts: 2211
Joined: March 29, 2005



momnomore thats so sad.made me feel for her,drugs will kill.poor sweet nurse.so sorry.how are you?love poopie

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just remember we are here to hold your hand..
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Posted: November 26, 2012, 12:20 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



Hey everyone my taper is going slow but it is going. I am down 6 vicodin a day. I really think cold turkey would be so much quicker but i just cant get the days off(in a row) whenever i do get two days off i taper down and get the backlash of withdrawal. Hope i can keep this up but i do want to and feel proud that i am at least trying. My use has decreased dramatically and the narc drawers are overflowing at work lol ( prob not funny but my sense o fhumor is sick). I appreciate you all and sorry to read the overdose of your nurse cousin. I know i have been on the brink and even have Narcan and a syringe at home from when my use was extreme. Narcan will stop an overdose if used in time. I think itis time to toss it even though it is not used to get high...it is a reminder that i have a "save me" antidote.
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Posted: November 26, 2012, 1:45 PM


Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004



Here's a reality check for you.

Tapers don't work.

You are just in constant withdrawals which gives your addictive mind permission to keep using, keep tapering. And with all the pills at your disposal, you will never stop tapering.

Stop putting the pills in your mouth now, get the withdrawals over with and be done with it. All you are doing is prolonging the enivatable. Every time you put a pill in your mouth, your withdrawals continue for one more day. Understand?

I know that in today's economy, most can't afford to quit their job. But, if you don't quit working in a job that allows you access to that amount of pain pills, you will die. So, which is it? The job or death? Known too many like you to not know that this is a fact.

Being a nurse, you are very smart and probably very employable in different areas of the health industry. Find a job that doesn't require you to have access to narcotics. I'm sure there are many jobs like that.

You can kid yourself and be proud of yourself all you want..long as you keeping taking pills? You risk jail or death. Probably both.

No amount of will power is going to save you from either.

Get some help. You can not do this alone. You need medical detox and then inpatient treatment.

Your thread scares the hell out of me. That hasn't happend in a long time and I've been around the block more times than I care to count.



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I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember.
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Posted: November 26, 2012, 2:02 PM


Posts: 32
Joined: November 9, 2012



Cowgirl i wasnt looking for a pat on the back but i think getting down to 6 vicodin a day is something i should be proudof and luckily this is not my only support system. I startedNA last week and have met a lot of taper success storoies. Next two days off i drop to 4 and next two day and down to two vic and so on. Cold turkey date is dec 11. Anyway i am not open to suboxone and have witnessed those withdrawals first hand...no thanks i will continue my taper,.NA, and profession. I have relinguished some of my duties at work and even though i could still "destroy"those narcs, i no longer do and it is done by another nurse
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Posted: November 26, 2012, 2:08 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: November 24, 2012



Sorry to say, you scare the hell out of me too. I think it's an addicts dreamland the work place you describe. Did you really think that you can forget that as you work, it being so easy , so close, so un- noticed? I found many totally rational ways to get whatever I needed, used friends, stole, lied, cheated , drawing lines then stepping right over them with all sorts of reasons that right now just make me feel ill.
I pray you know down deep that this is out of your control cuz it is certainly out of mine. I slowly turned into someone I don't even recognize .
Please reach out and keep reaching but remember the very first person you have to be honest with is yourself
If I could find the words to give you strength and courage, I wish I knew what they are. Be brave, be true, don't wait for disaster
Hang in
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Posted: November 27, 2012, 2:54 AM


Posts: 1008
Joined: November 19, 2005



Nurse,
I cringed when you mentioned having the Narcan. I had a vial of that too. How insane is that to think you can stop your own overdose? This is the power that addiction holds. Makes you think you are in control and have all bases covered.
Is there someoe helping you with your taper? Or are you controlling how much you take? If no one is helping you, you will not succeed. You will find all the excuses in the world to either continue or you need more.
You ARE delaying the inevitable. We are here to try to help you. We know how powerful this disease is. There is no way around it. Don't you think all of us have tried taking the easy route? Tried the tapering way? Tried just using on the weekends? It doesn't work. As long as you keep feeding your brain those narcotics, the more it will crave them. And the more your brain will convince you to take them.
Seriously get help. I tried going to NA thinking I would be okay to be around the narcs. It didn't work. And it went from pills to injectables. I would purposely want those difficult patients knowing they would have narcotics on board. All for the drugs. Is it really worth it? Don't you want your life back?
December 11 is a long way off. Your brain will find a way to convince you to continue or to take one more.
I hope you are taking in everything here. You are not unique. If there was an easy way, someone by now would have found it and made millions.
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