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This Disease Doesn't Quit
Posted: October 31, 2012, 4:11 PM


Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005



Hi All-
I joined this board in 2005 and have been clean off and on since then - mostly clean with the help of NA. I'm here to tell you, this disease doesn't go away. It sits in wait until you're vulnerable, then strikes again. I had my life together and in the blink of an eye, tolde myself I could "handle it."

I am starting from square one again, and I thought I'd never be at this point again. It's 7 years later and I am in disbelief that I let this happen again.

My prayers go out to anyone struggling with addiction. Stay vigilant - we can all do this together.

This post has been edited by AddictMom on October 31, 2012, 4:12 PM

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It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to.
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Posted: October 31, 2012, 7:54 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: October 16, 2012



Yeah, addiction does creep back in when life gets chaotic. I stayed clean for 2 years after a 10 year run with Oxy and now I am like you starting from square one. Its only been 48 hrs. since finishing the last of the bottle. I am in the same boat as you. Hang in there, we can both do this. I plan to start an NA group once I can function. I'm praying for strength to get through this because I'm physically and mentally drained. It seems so much worse this time. Does it seem worse this time around for you?
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Posted: October 31, 2012, 9:02 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



Addictmom- me too, me too. I too was sober for many years like you and loved sobriety and all I could think when I came back in 8 days ago was that my disease was stronger than even my love of being sober and the life that gave me.

I'm trying to not beat myself up, even though some days it's hard but I keep trying to remember if I did this once and if I'm willing to do whatever I have to, then I can do it again. I'm finding the self defeating when it gets in the way of my path to God is not this good thing I think I deserve, it's just another part of my disease wanting me to hate myself.

Too many years and not enough days right? Today I am again grateful for one day at a time. And I am grateful for what God is showing me. And honestly when i get out of my own head it isn't bad. What he is showing me is beautiful. Lets start counting again together :)
Kerry
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Posted: October 31, 2012, 9:05 PM


Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005



Kerry and Kristen, I would be honored to go through this journey with you. I also plan on going
back to NA once I feel like I can function.

This time IS worse, but only because I had Tramadol in the mix with the Vicodin. I have a positive attitude and I want my life back!!

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It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to.
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Posted: October 31, 2012, 10:39 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: October 16, 2012



Well I'm here for all of you too. It makes it seem more doable with friends in the same boat as me. Tonight I am at 50hrs. Clean and feel very aggitated and shakey not to mention sweating and confused and unable to talk to anyone without crying! I have a Dr.visit tomorrow and I have to tell her not to refill any pain medicine for me anymore. I'm praying that it will be easy to do. I'm so affraid of ever relapsing again. I think it would kill me for sure. My heart and body cant take any moe abuse. You guys keep me posted on how your doing. I will keep checking on you and praying for a painless withdraw.
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Posted: October 31, 2012, 11:01 PM


Posts: 966
Joined: November 19, 2005



Congratulations to all of you. That will be awesome to do this together.
Kristen- It is not easy to tell your doctor. At least it wasn't for me. If you don't let your doctor know, you will be leaving that door open to get more. And you know, more is never enough. Please, do it. Take that leap of faith and afterwards it will be a big relief it's over. Keep posting. Hopefully it will give others the incentive to join you.
You are so right with this addiction. It lies waiting. If you look at the big picture. What happened?
Usually life gets better and you stop doing the things that kept you clean. You get a job, material things start being replaced. Life gets busy and the meeting attendance gets fewer and fewer. There is less and less contact with your support people.
And like you said, this disease tells you "I can handle it this time." "I'll just do one."
You may feel you can control it for a few days, a few weeks... and then BOOM. You are right back to loosing everything and everybody.
That is a great idea to start a meeting but I think it might be best to try to find one and get yourself better. Focus on what you have to do. Get some time under your belt before you start focusing on opening a meeting.
Glad you made it back.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 2:33 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: November 1, 2012



Well I'm here for all of you too. It makes it seem more doable with friends in the same boat as me. Tonight I am at 50hrs. Clean and feel very aggitated and shakey not to mention sweating and confused and unable to talk to anyone without crying! I have a Dr.visit tomorrow and I have to tell her not to refill any pain medicine for me anymore.

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mickey mouse toys
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 7:00 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: October 16, 2012



First off, it looks like I posted the same thing twice sorry. I am using a Kindle and sometimes I cant tell if something posts for awhile so I resend it. How was everyones night? I slept a few hours but kept waking up in a cold sweat with the feelings of doom and gloom. I am actually excited to tell the doctor today not to refill my pills. Although I'm still a little chicken. I know that God doesn't want us to live a life of fear and I do believe that so I'm going to trust and hang on for the ride. Have any of you ever tried Suboxene? I know it is expensive and hard to find a doctor to prescribe it. I worked with a young man who swears it saved his life. He stayed on it for about a year until his brain receptors healed and said the doctor weaned him of so slow that he had no problems coming off of it. I started using again off and on for the past 2 years when my mom and stepdad died literally 2 weeks apart unexpectedlly from totally unrelated things. Mom had a bowel obstruction and dad had a heart attack. Then my daughter left home the day she turned 18 I knew she was going to but it still took over a year for me to adjust. I also had to have shoulder surgery which threw the pills back in my face. I'm sure you all can see the recipe for disaster building and yes it was a disaster! Life has calmed down somewhat. I still have another daughter that will graduate this year so college applications, late nights and frustrations with her stress makes it hard. I also have an 11 year old boy that I homeschool. I am blessed with a good husband and great kids. If I don't get and stay sober I'm going to look up and have missed it all. Praying for all of you today.

Hugs
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 10:50 AM


Posts: 9129
Joined: December 1, 2005



Glad to see you back AMom~

When you're feeling better physically, can you shared what happened, what lead to the relapse? It might help you and countless others when you put it out here in writing.

I really am glad to see you & glad you made it back alive. Too many times, like Sammy, an addict picks back up again and doesn't get another shot at recovery.

Hit that meeting sooner rather than later, call your sponsor and get back into the middle of the program, that's what saves my a*ss, still today.

Love ya~
Stacey

ps....it's really awesome to see all of you getting clean together, the bonding of one person helping another stay clean, just for today is HUGE. Thank you for sharing this initimate time in your lives here.



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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 11:06 AM


Posts: 649
Joined: August 11, 2012



Keep up the good work. Find a support system with people you can call 24/7 this is a must! It will help you get through the hard times and the good times are on the way.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 1:06 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



First off I am absolutely where anyone is starting this journey off pills. So WE can all count together :)

You know I dreaded the detox and thought about sitting in bed too because I felt so awful but something kept telling me to get to a meeting so I went my very first day clean and everyday since and take my newcomer chip at every single one of them. And strangely enough the detox wasn't THAT bad! My guess is my emotional pain and daily bouts of sobs in front of people or alone took over the physical. I felt all spraqued out and when my physical detox hit its finale trying one last time to get me to use, I told it to go f*** itself and that it wouldn't take one more day of my life or one more day of "me" away from my kids.

My Drs appt is next week and I am taking my husband. Not because I am afraid I won't tell my Dr but because I know I need him to help me walk through it. He is sober so he knows how hard it will be to walk by the pharmacy and not get a refill. I'm honestly more afraid I will start sobbing uncontrollably and won't be able to drive so he's there to keep me accountable and to drive me home.

The "why" of the relapse I'm starting to learn for me isn't for me to think about. Yes stopping going to meetings, yes thinking I was only an alcoholic and not a drug addict and the self propulsion and self will run riot was all a part of it for me but I am coming to realize this was Gods doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.

I'm on day 9 today and physically feel somewhat normal again so you WILL feel physically better soon. The emotional and mental part is really the trickiest for me. So email me anytime and lets do this together!
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 1:11 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



Sorry one last thing about the meetings. I agree don't start one yet. Just get to one. Today. I know it sucks walking back in as a newcomer or even going to one for the first time but honestly ALL i have received is love and understanding. And they and my sponsor are saving my life right now. Walk through that fear and if you even need to talk about it, message me. I am going to PA, NA and AA...pretty much any I can find. And I love them all and am getting a lot out of all of them so if all you can find is an AA meeting, that will work too. God will take care of you wherever you go.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 4:00 PM


Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005



Hanging in there - lots of epsom salt baths and advil and Clonidine from my doctor. Looking at a computer screen isn't comfortable yet so I'll post more in a day or two.

I didn't say I'd start a meeting, just go to one! Goodness, I'm not that abitious! :)

Keep strong everyone. Stacy, I'll post by relapse story eventually.

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It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 5:56 PM


Posts: 9129
Joined: December 1, 2005



(((AddictMom)))

QUOTE
The "why" of the relapse I'm starting to learn for me isn't for me to think about. Yes stopping going to meetings, yes thinking I was only an alcoholic and not a drug addict and the self propulsion and self will run riot was all a part of it for me but I am coming to realize this was Gods doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.


For me, it is crucial that I remember my last relapse, that I remember my last run on pills. In order for me to STAY clean, I had to do it differently than I had been doing. Towards the end of the insanity cycle of taking pills, I was becoming a veteran at detoxing & getting clean, I just couldn't STAY clean so, my BFF and some other's on this site, asked me the $1,000,000 question, what are you going to do different? My self will & the insanity of it all was all me. God's will was for me to stick around the program back in '97 and not have to go through all the misery & create so much harm to those around me. I am blessed that the grace he bestowed upon me hadn't run dry yet.

So, I was willing to do it all different and I did everything different, including the fact that on a daily basis, I remember where I was, what happened and where I am today. I also am of service to him & others.

It is truly by the grace of God that I lived to tell my story. Everyone of us is a miracle today & it can be as simple as, no matter what, just don't pick up today and you've got a great shot at this gift called recovery.

xoxo
Stacey

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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: November 1, 2012, 6:11 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



I agree that when we find those answers it's important to ackowledge and share them. Just this close to the relapse it's hard to know what that was just now and We might drive ourselves mad needing the answer now, fill our heads full of what ifs or give the wrong answer.

We have a disease we are powerless over and there are things we can do that can help us stay clean But in the end we are still powerless. The only reason I answered that first was because I was obsessing over it myself until my sponsor told me to me to just accept it "as is" for now and I just didn't want the OP to feel pressured to have answers she might not have just yet.


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Posted: November 2, 2012, 12:07 PM


Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004



Happy to see that you made it back AMom..my heart goes out to you darlin. I hate this for you..that you have to go through this all over again. But, I'm sure glad it's that and not a funeral notice.

I double what Stacey says..you know what to do and when you feel well enough, start getting it done.

Vicodin and Tramadol, bad idea.

If I can help in anyway..(hug)

So cool to watch all of you newbies get together and support one another..that's what this board has done over the years. Created alot of clean and sober people that stay friends for life. We like to stick to our own kind.. <eg>

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I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember.
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Posted: November 2, 2012, 10:50 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



Addictmom - how are you holding up today? Thinking of you :)
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 10:07 AM


Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005



Thanks Lisa and Stacey for your kind words and your excellent advice. What I've done different so far this time is say to my pain doctor "I am a drug addict." She was proud of me.

I relapsed these past 2 months because I didn't go to meetings, stopped contacting fellow recovering addicts, and tried to be "normal." Classic setup for relapse. I'm so grateful I made it back.

Kerry, Kristen and Bertram, how are you doing? Are you feeling better? I had a rough night, no sleep, restless legs and anxiety through the roof. I hit an NA meeting last night and that was great - the words felt so familiar, yet it was like I was hearing them for the first time! I can't stress enough to everyone - go somewhere that you can have a network of face to face people. I love my online friends/addicts but you need more. Hugs to us all.

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It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to.
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 5:10 PM


Posts: 6661
Joined: September 15, 2005



Hi Mom --Hope your feeling better. We all learn and just glad your okay. Yesterday means nothing. Today is all that matters.

Have a good weekend--Jeff

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It is Just Not worth it.

"Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what the puck happened."

One Day At A Time
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 5:28 PM


Posts: 232
Joined: October 24, 2012



Yes I am hitting two meetings a day and taking another two weeks off of work to get me a foundation for my recovery. Day 11 here and I'm a mess emotionally and mentally. But I'm sober. My PA meeting was brutally honest today and I am grateful I could share what a blank mental lobotomized person I am some moments and then an angry, crying emotional terrorist I am a split second later.

So yea I am where I am supposed to be but boy does it suck some moments. I know through pain comes growth so I am doing a lot of growing right now. One thing is I haven't craved but I also set myself up to where I can't anything even if I hit a weak moment.

And yes being a newcomer is really a strange out of body experience for me right now. But I know God has his reasons for everything
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