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Posts: 2
Joined: April 8, 2013
Posted: April 8, 2013, 12:04 PM
Hi,
this is my first time on a site like this. I am not sure what to do at this point - if only I knew then what I do now. I’m 22 now, this whole mess started when I was 18 (constant feeling of needing to get out of my head). I’ve had depression/anxiety for a longtime and a significant traumatic experience I still can’t wrap my head around. One day a couple years ago, a friend gave me a “bar.” Whoa, this stuff makes it easier to be me.. I feel better. I never took them to feel “barred out,” (I hate that feeling) but what I can only imagine in the average person’s world, “normal.” I then was given adderall. Whoa, this stuff makes me happy. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way, I love everything. (I’ve always had trouble focusing, but I believe it was due to my anxiety) I found it convenient to take xanax as I was coming off the adderall (30mg xr a day, random doses of xanax..). This went on for about 6 months. I was not prescribed any of this and bought them off the street (would buy friend’s add script), xanax off the random dudes at gas stations. I worked, and at the time had my living expenses covered. The xanax addiction eventually took over and it was a full-time thing. Looking for the next seller.. not being able to find it (those days were hell), worry worry worry. More and more anxiety. Will I be able to make it to work tomorrow? Now I didn’t take it to feel better, I took it to feel how I did before I started taking it, and that feeling came rarely (I miss naivety). 3mgs to get through a day at work, 4 5 or 6 on especially demanding days (I pretty much gave up on a social life). I hid my addictions well (and still do). I have bipolar/borderline tendencies and blamed it on that (infact that “empty/bored” feeling definitely contributed). Downers/uppers started at 20. Prior, and currently, I had/have high aspirations of working in the field of psychology. I was in college, but dropped out when it started becoming difficult to manage school/work/a full time addiction. I was in a car accident and got a bit of money. I moved with my family to another city and detoxed at the house for a month until the settlement came in (bipolar episodes were up the wall). I now live alone with my cat. I'm not sure if I am full-blown bipolar or the drugs made me that way. I am down to my last cents and am facing a cannabis/para and DUI charge which is greatly hindering my ability to find a job. Though my mind has changed drastically, my struggles still continue - I have prescriptions for klonopin, xanax, and vyvanse. I hate taking them, but I feel empty and miserable without - and the benzo withdrawals ARE HELL (I try to take as little as possible, but to maintain as I see it..feeling and even being "human," I take probably 2mg klonopin and 1mg xanax a day, sometimes more sometimes less). I hate drugs. I wish I could wake up and feel not even happy - but just okay, content, with simply existing. I smoke weed occasionally and drink an avg of 2 beers a night (I'm 95 lbs). I will be on probation soon will have to stop smoking. I do not know what to do. Rehab is not an option. Those closed-in settings with little freedom, rigid schedules and other addicts (withdrawing and being around people - brings back social anxiety 10x) I feel like I NEED to get out of there (went to detox after severe withdraw off xanax, had to be hospitalized). I feel like I need to find it within myself to get myself off of these drugs - but on my own. Does drug counseling work? I just don't know how to change the way I feel. I have been told by several people I am "empathetic," or ultra sensitive to my surroundings. I see a therapist once a month - and still, I hide my addictions.. If people ask I only tell them I'm taking klonopin. I feel so ashamed with myself and I just don't know what to do anymore living this lie when I truly strive for honesty and have high values when it comes to everything else. This post has been edited by cirruscloud on April 8, 2013, 12:23 PM | ||
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Posted: April 8, 2013, 12:23 PM
Understand this my friend, your story is so common among so many of us substance dependent people. I've tried for years to stop using Xanax in particular and stay off. The only thing that's worked is to stop completely, get in NA, go though the survival but damn uncomfortable detox adjustment with others who understand and did the same, keep going to these meetings, incorporate the program in your life and you will be INCREDIBLY glad you did. It totally works if you work it! I've heard all the stories including my own and this simple program is the only thing working for me and millions of others...
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Posts: 2
Joined: April 8, 2013
Posted: April 8, 2013, 12:32 PM
When I was in detox they had me sit through an AA meeting. I felt so drained afterwards. I have an aversion to religion (though I am spiritual), and I cannot stand those 12-step programs.. It would be so easy to go back in time and find a holistic way to heal myself before I went headfirst into this pharmaceutical bulls***. If only it were that easy :(
I feel like I can do this - because I have a strong will. But it is so difficult without a job, with no one really knowing how much I actually struggle.. nothing to truly focus on and being stuck inside myself! And now, financially screwed to give me more to worry about.. it all makes me want to say f it and throw myself down a flight of stairs. I wouldn't - but the ideation has for long been there. Is there something I can take while trying to ween myself off the benzos? I have no self esteem.. Though I am plenty capable of doing a lot of things I feel like my confidence is forever gone. | ||
Posts: 77
Joined: July 1, 2011
Posted: April 26, 2013, 8:40 AM
Dear cirruscloud,
First of all, you should be bl**dy proud of yourself for seeking help at such a young age. You are not in denial, are seeking help and to think... you may have some rough rides ahead, but are also ahead of the game and that could possibly mean the likelihood of succeeding in your ambitions and living a wonderfully full, active and stable life!! Well done!! I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (after many incorrect diagnosis'), have been on myriad medications over the years and have only recently seen a fantastic psychiatrist who has tweaked my medication/abolished some entirely, and I am (with regard to the mental health issue), experiencing at least four days of stability at a time: fantastic!! This, may I point out, has been a journey stretching for nigh-on 17 years though!! If you care to read on, I hope it will enlighten you in some areas and save many, many years of searching in the wrong places/constant disappointment and confusion and an end to feeling the need to lie to professionals. Primarily, I would suggest that you break all your problems down into a short but comprehensive list and then tackle them one by one. So, most importantly: a) Find an excellent psychiatrist (word of mouth is best: not the highest earner!), that has a genuine interest in bipolar disorder and is highly knowledgeable in ALL aspects of mental illness and receive a correct diagnosis – or even the wonderful gift of actually receiving the news that you are free of any endogenous illnesses all together; b) Take the prescribed medication suggested by this psychiatrist if there is a genuine diagnosis (and explain about having to self-medicate due to your traumatic experience). They simply MUST know this information in order to treat you correctly; they can also lead you to an expert in the field of persons suffering from PTSD... c) Perhaps a little rich coming from me, but if you can cut out the dope completely, the results may amaze you; for one of my many dissertations (from experience and research), I found that if a person suffers from any form of mental health, weed is by far and above the worst drug one can possibly be using! Indeed, if a person hasn't suffered before smoking weed, the likelihood is that they WILL suffer lifelong degrees of mental health problems due to this drug. Obviously, those who suffer from chronic and painful, physical illnesses, the reverse is often true and it helps them dramatically when they've exhausted all other possibilities. d) Two beers a night is not excessive, but again, I would suggest taking real care with prescribed meds: even one beer a night will have contraindications on your prescribed medication, that may, given the chance, actually work with your unique system/make-up; e) Change therapist. If you cannot be honest, you are wasting valuable time by not seeking out the right therapist for you: remember, also, you are wasting his/her time also, and that time could be of value to someone else that does 'click' with that particular professional. [I saw a therapist for nearly a year in my twenties. Couldn't stand her. Didn't know what to say. Wasted her time and got more and more confused until I finally “woke up”, and parted company. Madness! But I didn't know any better]. My good friend (last year), sought help from a therapist, and, after six months confided in me that she was “getting nowhere” and thinking of things to say before she even arrived!! I did manage to laugh but told her what I have just told you: if you don't get on with the therapist/find it pointless/are lying etc. then be brave enough to say that you must finish the sessions, for good! f) Don't feel ashamed! Shame is a pointless emotion when it comes to addiction/mental health etc. I have often thought during my life that if only people were more honest and open, I would bet my last pound, the majority of human beings self-medicate/hide their true feelings and addicts are not the 'minority' group we are bundled into. Just because a middle-aged man holds down a job, drives a decent car and owns a house, doesn't guarantee that all is well behind that door! Popping a few 'headache' tablets (for such a stressful day/thumping headache etc, naturally!), and then downing half a bottle of whiskey in front of the tv to wind down is just a very good balancing act. 'Act' being the operative word! The difference with these addicts is that they are managing to work seemingly normally when not in the privacy of their own home. g) Rehab/group sessions are by no means the only method of seeking help, so don't feel you have to force yourself into such situations before dealing with your priority issues first. When I finally said, enough! to copious amounts of 'social', then private binge-drinking, I believed my only route was AA. I set off, feeling sick, nervous, resigned and ashamed. I sat and listened to all the very familiar stories but recall vividly, a man in his mid-fifties, saying that he wished he had done something years ago, pointing out how young some of the new members were (including me), and that he'd rewind the clocks in an instant if he could, having secretly drank for thirty years, believing it 'normal' and 'sociable'. Anyway, I digress. I went to that one meeting and stopped drinking for five years the very same night and never attended another AA meeting again. That is not to say that I was denying my addiction but I just could not bear the polite cups of tea, stifling and rigid settings of church halls and the anxiety of being in a group whilst suppressing the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. Looking back, it was because I didn't have the knowledge I have now, which is that all-important priority list! Grief counselling? CBT? Rehab? PTSD classes? Private therapy? AA? Running for the hills seemed the best option! Point: I didn't even know what was wrong with me, so how was I to know where the h*ll I to go as I clearly needed help!! h) I understand, too, your frustration in not comprehending that you are fundamentally a decent and honest person. Especially the times when I've forgotten to take my medication/had no sleep/worried over nothing: my mind simply cannot compute that I always try to exercise good manners (road rage a little shaky!), have honourable standards and expectations of myself, have genuinely learnt to like myself again, adore and help animals and appreciate natural beauty and my wonderful family, am honest in all that I do... and then resort to deplorable drug abuse and mutilating myself by means of coping with emotions that have crept up and threaten to overwhelm me! I must ask you: do you feel that your problems have stemmed from this traumatic life event that has not been examined/dealt with? I only ask because in trying to keep my advice simple and concise for you, I've opened up my head of worms and would hate for you to feel more lost than ever! If the answer is yes or no, just stick to the list I made from a – h and don't move on until you've got each item ticked off the list. The rest of the bumph can always be saved for later when your mind is clearer, ok! Through this great site/sharing my advice with others in need/not being criticised for being honest or holding an opinion and the freedom to express myself, has taught me that if I fall – as humans do, addicts or not – it is not the end of the world. My drug use is sporadic and obviously damaging, but I am realising that the person I was before my diagnosis/self-medicating behaviours do not have to define me for the rest of my life. I'm still in here, and, although there are pretty dire depressive days, I'm actually remembering who I was before I became ill and how I naturally coped with the pressures of life before I believed it was over. You still have all of those things; we all do. I will not pry into your traumatic experience but I have dealt (or, rather, not healthily dealt with, the more they piled up), so many traumas/deaths/injustices/tragedies that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. It was only when I realised that I didn't want my family or beloved animals to suffer the pain of losing me too, that I tentatively began to seek avenues of help. I won't end by using the cliques of taking the first step etc etc but simply to let you know that it is ok to feel free, to share and be honest. You may find that you have some brilliant techniques/healthy coping skills that I've never considered and that you would like to let me know about! Please let me know how you get on, Kind regards, Hidden Light. -------------------- Hidden Light | ||
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