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Posted: March 30, 2016, 6:27 AM
open letter to heroin.
because like a girl with a awesome vagina, you are on my mind constantly. your warm metaphorical blanket just to wrap myself up in as a barrier from the world. i can get lost in how you pin point my eyes. how you make each cigarettet taste great. how you make life greater. in EVERY aspect. except sex.. lots of disappointed girls. anyways my sweet. here i am listening to city and colour, coming back from my fourth relapse.. made it 150 days though, i guess. i only used for literally a week, and yet you are scaring the s*** out of me like some psycho ex girlfriend jealous of my new sobriety. right now i feel fine, completely. TIRED from lack of no sleep and the restless arms.but none the less i can eat and drink. trying to smoke as much weed as i can trying to escape my thoughts of knowing its only a phone call away. heroin.. we need to talk, you cant keep coming into my life like a damn tornado just to leave me standing there with nothing. NOTHING. lost the first girl i ever truly loved who had my wonderful beautiful child, lost my self respect. lost everything that mattered to me. but i was content with it? now i see how happy she is and it kills me knowing i couldve given her that. i have deep bruises all over my body from doing cocaine and heroin. the gnarly abcess', the playing rock paper scissors with each shot with the devil. im writing this to get this all out of my head, because i honestly cant take not having friends, family, or anyone close who knows what im going through and how much of a constant struggle it is TO NOT DO IT. see, ive lived by that every time i quit.." the drugs will always be there, ALWAYS, the hard part is staying clean".. I CAN DO IT. SO CAN YOU. Because no one should have to lose their family. no one should have to be on the hunt risking their WHOLE life just trying to chase a high that does nothing but fill a metaphorical void. its not fair, youre so good and yet you cause so many problems. i think ive finally smoked enough weed to fall asleep. so, im posting this, and if i decide to update it then i will cause i still have so much to say to you, you filthy little life ruining warmest softest blanket ive ever had.. lets try this again. good luck. | ||
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Posted: March 30, 2016, 12:38 PM
I am in recovery from a 2 year affair with heroin, and I can't imagine quitting after such a short time with the chemical equivalent of the love of our lives. I had plenty of time to love her and even get a bit sick of her, you though... I wish you all the best, man, I really do. I just identify so much with what you wrote here, I had to let you know that at least one other person in the world- in Redding, California- feels the same way you do... only difference is that I'm a woman.
Have you tried seeking the support and fellowship of NA meetings? If not, then this is where I say to you, "I know, I know..."; that is, if you're thinking what I did before a good friend got me into the rooms: "Feck that, NA is total BS, it's just a bunch of old junkies whining about the fact that they can't use anymore and talking about how they found Jesus in jail."... Which, I'm not gonna lie to you, there are definitely some old junkies doing just that, but they are relatively easy to ignore. If you've never been, you'll be surprised by the number of people that share your story, and how warm and kind and welcoming the people there can be. If anything, you can just use the rooms to get stuff like this off your chest & out of your head, but out loud. Every time I've shared in the rooms, it's been so cathartic to get to say those things out loud and just give it to the room, whatever's bothering me... For me, at least, I do write, I do share anonymously on pages like this and on paper, but to get to say it out loud is so healing. And you make friends there. I lost everything to heroin; my friends, family members, the scores of dealers I thought were my friends... when I finally got clean, I found that I hurt some people badly enough though my addiction that by the time I was able to say, "I'm clean now.", or, "I'm in recovery.", it was simply not enough or much too late for that person to be willing to take down that wall and be part of my life again. I get the feeling that you find yourself in the same place, and the people that are left, it's either too difficult/painful to share things like this with or just simply flat out impossible for lots of reasons that are also difficult, complex, and hard to fathom or articulate? I am lucky in a way; I have a few people left- mostly family and one close friend- that want to support me so badly through this, but in another way, it's hard to have anyone wanting to be so involved in my recovery. They fight with me about going in to my NA meetings with me, and that makes the rooms virtually useless; if I feel uncomfortable because I have to censor myself and make my recovery look, sound, and feel the way someone else thinks it should- someone else that has never had an addiction but thinks they know what's best for an addict- which is my own personal frustration and something for another post. I hope this helped you at least a little. If it did, we can keep taking on here, or I can give you my email. Stay strong and I hope you got some sleep. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: March 30, 2016, 2:59 PM
Everything I needed for my recovery is in The 12 Steps of NA/AA.
I found the meetings a lot like school- some were working hard, some were hardly working and some were putting in time. I decided that if I wanted recovery I had better commit to it for ME. I stuck with the winners and followed my sponsor. I got active. It has worked as advertized for me for over 26 yrs and keeps getting better. The program is there FREE for anyone who wants it .. and it works. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: April 20, 2016, 2:35 PM
Perfect
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: April 20, 2016, 2:37 PM
Perfect
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Posted: April 20, 2016, 3:36 PM
Im too fcuked u[ fr this con,,,sorry but i just feel i am,,ive lost alot of people n im back at the beginninig do well fr everyone but myself...Eck
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: April 20, 2016, 6:21 PM
Too many for all of us Eck..I understand...lots of nightmares ....circle never seems to end until it begins again...talk to me when or if u feel like...im gonna be around here for a bit I think...
This post has been edited by constantine on April 20, 2016, 6:24 PM | ||
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