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Posted: May 22, 2014, 1:06 PM
Hi! I am new to this. I have a growing issue that I don't know how to react to with my friend who is a recovering heroin addict. We have grown up together and, therefore, known each other for 20+ years (we are both in our 30s now). He has been clean for a year and a half. He has done very well with his recovery so far. About 6 months ago, we started to engage in a sexual relationship in addition to our friendship. Last night, we both finally admitted that this has gone beyond "friends w/benefits" and that we both have feelings for each other. The problem comes in that he is also trying to figure out what (if anything) his ex (mother of his child) and him may still have. I am torn between running away from him or sticking it out for right now to see what may happen. Either way I am terrified that the stress of everything will cause him to go out and use again. I don't want to be the cause (or the blame) of him using drugs again. I love him very much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: May 23, 2014, 7:48 PM
Hi Marie,
In recovery there are many types of "recovery". Speaking from experience, heroin is a drug like no other and it takes a special kind of recovery to stay clean. The ones who usually succeed are the ones who have a good support system, with supportive family, clean friends, who goes to meetings and has a sponsor among other things. They do what it takes, they listen to others who have worked a good program, and they do whatever it takes to stay clean. THEY COME FIRST. Especially in the beginning you have to be selfish and do what is best for yourself above all else or you cannot and will not stay clean. Recovery becomes first in their life. Some spouse/significant others can't deal with the changes the person needs to go through often because they are so used to the non-functioning/addict/alcoholic partner. All of a sudden this non-functioning addict is learning new things, has new friends and a lot of their time is spent with people the spouse has nothing in common with. If they let other things influence their being clean it can backfire and lead to their using. 12 step programs are great, but every one works them at a different pace. Some, who aren't ready to really to do whatever it takes, just go through the motions, they throw the recovery jargan around, they go to meetings but they don't really do any of the work involved to really try and stay clean. In the end, they wind up going out and getting loaded. Most 12 step programs highly recommend you do not get in ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP especially during the first year. And that is GOOD advice. If this relationship is meant to be then it will withstand whatever needs to be done to make sure this person has a good solid foundation of sobriety under his belt. He will need to work out whatever there is between he and his "ex" and since there is a child involved, it is even more important that they have a good co-parenting relationship if he decides to be with you. His recovery needs to COME FIRST. As far as you are concerned, try going to Alanon. It is for family members of addicts/alcoholics so you can learn about the behavior and what they go through. Great education. If he has a good program he will have the right resources (friends, family, sponsor....you) to help support and direct him so he won't go out and use. If this man is worth it then go slow, if it was meant to be it will work out. Good luck. granny This post has been edited by Granny2 3 on May 23, 2014, 7:51 PM -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
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Joined: June 24, 2014
Posted: June 28, 2014, 3:18 AM
He's been there before and know how it feels. Besides of thinking that it will ruin him again. Be an inspiration to him to be a strong person facing he's problem.
I'm always been a fan of a friend love story. And your's might become a real one like forever. Its complicated waiting but you might not know its worth the wait. When deciding its always good to pick up the right choice no matter how it will be hurt. I wish the best for the both of you. | ||
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