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Dating A Recovering Addict
Robin






Posted: December 23, 2011, 10:58 AM
Hi all, I'm sorry if these are silly questions. I'm new to this. I just recently started dating a wonderful man. Yesterday he told me that he is a recovering heroin addict. He said he has been clean for many many years and he certainly seemed open and honest about it. It's not something I know anything about so I'm a little nervous. I by no means want to give up on what we may have and I really don't want to judge him as he was so open with me but I'm just a little apprehensive. Again I apologize if this is an ignorant question.....is it truly possible for an addict to never go back to using heroin? I'm not trying to be offensive but I want to know what I'm choosing to be a part of.

Thank you so much for reading.


Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004


Posted: December 23, 2011, 1:24 PM
Of course it's possible. Someone who works a program and has been clean for many years has a pretty good shot at never using again. But, it's also possible to relapse. It's a symptom of the disease.

If he's a good guy, be happy. See where it goes...as long as he's honest and open about it, I would say you got a good one.

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I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember.
dirty dingus






Posted: December 24, 2011, 2:41 AM
There are thousands that HAVE stayed clean and created new purposeful lives
If you have feelings for this person, you shouldn’t let you preconceived conceptions of what a heroin user is, we are not all thieving untrustworthy scumbags, I know junkie lawyers, journalists etc
The monkey that is H isn’t particular who’s back he jumps on
Who knows this might end up being the person you fall in love with and have kids with,
Don’t let you fears hold you back, the past is behind us the future unknown all we have is this moment
BOB
Run






Posted: December 26, 2011, 8:38 PM
run away as fast as you can, your in for heartache and hell


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011


Posted: December 27, 2011, 12:20 AM
Robin,

Like Cowgirl said it is possible for any recovering addict to relapse or "fall off the wagon" as it were. I was clean from using heroin for almost 5 years and went back out for a few months before coming to my senses .Unfortuneately some people fall off and get back on a number of times.Sometimes it takes years,.... or longer...to stop completely, and some never do...

If this person says he is clean for a number of years I guess my question is...What is he doing to stay that way??? Does he go to meetings,N.A.( Narcotics Anonymous or A.A.( Alcoholics Anonymous)??......Does he see a counselor??...Does he have a sponsor???? What EXACTLY is he doing to keep himself clean?? These are VERY important things to know because you usually will fail without help of some kind. Is he clean without any help from any medications?? Is he on methadone??? How did he do it??

Do his friends or family use??? Does he hang out with old friends that are still using??? Those are very important things to know because a yes to any of these questions could be a warning sign for you.

If he goes to meetings then you should become involved in the ones you can with and without him. Find out what you can about this disease of addiction and go to meetings for the families and loved ones/partners who don't use so you can learn all you can about it and also what to look for in case of a relapse.

I have been clean almost 18 years so it is NOT impssible, but our stories vary so much, we are all from different pasts, some harder than others, and finding sobriety comes easier for some than others....If he isnt doing some sort of self help as I mentioned above he is more likely to fail I'd think...

Don't give up and run the other direction with out at least doing a little research into this man you so far have given the benefit of the doubt. Recovery can be a difficult road but there are wonderful things waiting at the end of that road. I am proof to that....

good luck,

Granny

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I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA.


STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial]
Jeni






Posted: January 10, 2012, 9:48 PM
I started dating a recovering alcoholic/addict (sober for 3 years), 20 months ago. We moved in together one year ago and we have been through a lot. From the beginning our relationship has been fun, loving and full of laughter. We have 5 kids (none together) and the 7 of us get along so well. It's natural and uncomplicated. Just last week, he hit me with a bomb shell. He said that he put our relationship first instead of AA (even though he's been going to many meetings and meeting with his sponsor, etc), and that he has to get out of the relationship. He was truly the love of my life and I am falling apart due to his revelation. In the end, I realize that he is very selfish (doesn't care about what the kids will go through), and when the going got a little tough, he ran away. I did a lot of research before I started dating him seriously because I have never done drugs or drinking and I was leary. I now know that was the little voice inside of me telling me that this was going to be risky. If you continue to date this guy just make sure you keep your guard up for a long time. I started letting mine down and I fell head over heels...only to feel like my world is crumbling now. Just be careful.


Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004


Posted: January 11, 2012, 12:34 PM
Unfortunately, sometimes addicts in recovery have to be a little selfish. If we aren't, we could die. Our recovery has to come first, otherwise, we aren't any good to our loved ones or ourselves. I suspect there's more to your story...could be he felt a relapse coming on and needed to get back to his program. I'm sorry, I know it hurts but hopefully you all can move on and he can stay clean. You wouldn't want him if he was using.

--------------------
I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember.


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011


Posted: January 12, 2012, 7:21 PM
I agree with Cowgirl,addicts have to take care of ourselves first and foremost or we can't have anything like relationships and so on.Many of us came from places of mistrust and learned to protect ourselves from people(like parents who drank,drugged or were abusive)and once clean we start dealing with the consequences of growing up like that. Adult children of alcoholics especially.

Hopefully if he really cares he will come back after he "finds" himself again. Maybe you should learn more about addiction and getting clean,maybe thru alanon,so you can better understand what he is going thru.

--------------------
I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA.


STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial]
kat






Posted: June 12, 2012, 11:46 AM
I just need to reply to Jeni, and I dont even know if she will see it, because this thread is quite old.

But, I believe you are seeing this from the completely WORST angle that you can. And Im saying this only because Ive saw it from that angle as well. My boyfriend is a recovering addict, and at one point he left me because he said he wasn't focusing enough on his recovery. And I was torn apart because of it. It was a blow to the face, because I didnt see it coming.

Once I got over the initial upset you have with any break up, I quickly realized I was looking at it completely wrong. If a recovering addict does not put their recovery first AT ALL TIMES, they will be nothing to you or your family anyways if they begin using again. I couldnt be mad at him through out most of the break up, because I was scared to death for his life. I was terrified that he would go back to using, and if he did, he would be worthless to everyone and everything, including himself. And that sounds so mean, but its true. He wouldnt have cared about me, his family, his job, or anything for that matter if he went back to using.

We now are back together, but his recovery comes before everything, no matter what. Because if he goes back to using, I will have lost him anyway. I understand you are hurt because he left, and I understand your children may be hurt. But you need to look at it from the point that he wants to stay clean, and its an every day struggle to do so. Leaving the relationship and working to stay clean just means that he can continue to be there. Because if he had stayed with you and not focused on recovery, he could have easily been pulled back into using. And it would be no one elses fault. I blamed myself a good bit thinking I made my bf want to use again, and it took a while to get that thought out of my head. But him leaving and staying clean is better than him staying and using again, which I can promise you would hurt you and your family much, much worse.

So please, don't view it as he gave up and walked out. Because what he was really doing was not giving up on staying clean. Which if you truly love him, you will want what is best for him. And sometimes with an addict in your life, the best thing they can do is leave your life if their relationship with anyone threatens their sobriety. Unfortunately, its a time they must think of themselves and no one else.

I love my boyfriend deeply, but I make sure he puts his recovery first now. He truly is an outstanding person, and supporting him 100% whether we are together or apart is all I can do sometimes for him. But supporting him 100% through the good and bad is all it takes to let him know he is doing great, is an amazing person, and that he has a reason to work hard to stay clean-because there are so many people who couldnt bear to lose him.
ci






Posted: February 1, 2013, 1:42 AM
I would like to reply to Kat.

First, thank you. For saying that. Because im going through the same thing that you did. Hes absolutely amazing and he hasnt left me yet but i think he might. And i told him either way i will support him 100%. Hes been sober foralmost two months, and hes got a new job, we go to his meetings together and every time I see him he acts more and more distant. I personally believe he is depressed, but i told him if im hindering his recovery, ill go without a fight. And he saod he loves me. And we stopped talking about it. My biggest fear is distracting him. I knew from the beginning he was in recovery but i had no idea what i was in for
Dianne






Posted: July 8, 2013, 5:01 PM
Dating an addict/HEROIN addict in recovery.
I dated, for 3 months a recovering heroin, cocaine and member of AA. He was charming nice and sweet - loving and attentive. My son was involved - too.
As it can be with addicts we moved quickly and fell in love. It was very intense and I thought I met the love of my life.
I was going through some step work, cause I had a relapse (for one night) and he was going through a trial. He "needed some time away" to deal with the trial. He didnt have the capacity for a relationship AND a trial. He had to focus. I had to focus on my steps - he said. He told me to "have faith and let go and let God" where our relationship and this "time apart" was concerned.
I told him to break up with me so I had some definition - he wouldn't. I asked him if he was seeing anyone - else. No he was not.
On Canada Day -I saw him walking hand in hand with another woman. I confronted them and told her the whole story. When I drove away he was laughing at me. SOCIOPATH. He has been seeing her for 5 months. He has no remorse. I see him in meetings and he has the audacity to smile.
DO NOT date a recovering heroin addict. I believe their chemistry is right anymore and it leads to sociopathic behaviour. I agree being selfish is part of a program of recovery - but being completely insensitive, lying etc etc - is against anybody's moral fibre (except his). RUN!!!
Swalke






Posted: July 21, 2013, 9:50 PM
I know this is really late but I am doing some research on my boyfriend and my relationship. He has been in recovery for one year and two months. He has just told me last week he needed time or himself. I am hurt and confused but understand this is what he needs. I had supported him 110% and always encourage him to go to meetings, read, work on step work and so forth. It it me really hard. It's a silly question but I just want to get an idea of what kind of time we could be looking at. Obviously it differs with every person and it may never be guaranteed for him to come back but is this a matter of a few days, few weeks or months. He has been working on Step 4, which I believe has a lot to do with it. He has talked to me for the first few days but now he won't even talk to me at all. Please share more of your experiences with me.
Guest






Posted: July 22, 2013, 11:16 AM
Swalke, It's not a silly question. I can't imagine how you felt when you found out. I'm sorry for your hurt.

Ya know what Swalke, you already said it and who knows how long it could take? I'm a recovering addict, but not a member of NA so the 4th step I'm not up on.

You didn't say how long you had been together. I'm guessing prior to his addiction. Guessed that because usually it would come up how horrible that was. Your support is great. However, you need to support YOU. I know it's easier said than done, but DO Swalke.

Hoping things work out. Sorry I wasn't much help.


Posts: 10
Joined: July 21, 2013


Posted: July 22, 2013, 12:58 PM
Thanks Guest for your response. We were friends for about four years, we had both been indifferent relationships but always had a great communication and desire for one another. We started dating 12 days in to his recovery. We both knew that was a bad idea but didnt want to miss our shot. The relationship was the best I could have ever asked for. So much honesty and support for both of us. He says it has nothing to do with our relationship and really wants us to be together, eventually.

Congratulations on your recovery and I wish you the best of luck!!
Guest






Posted: July 23, 2013, 8:10 AM
Swalke, That is wild you got together when he only had 12 days in.

Ya know what? You got through that journey together unscatthed? I have a feeling you'll be together in an even more healthy, caring, loving relationship. I give you both a ton of credit.

Again, wishing only the very best for the both of you. Keep your head up. If you feel like venting this is a good place to do it. Better yet is start a new thread if you want to blow off some steam or ask questions. Your partner is Blessed to have a great friend, mate like yourself. Big points for knowing eachother for years too before you got together.


Posts: 10
Joined: July 21, 2013


Posted: July 23, 2013, 8:18 PM
Guest, thank you so much!! :)
NellyS






Posted: September 19, 2013, 4:43 AM
Hello there. I started dating a recovering heroin addict about 7 months ago. he had been clean for 3 months then, and still going well through his recovery. About 3 months into the relationship we moved in together, and things started to change. His family has turned against him as they believe he should be with his ex, the mother of his two kids, and his ex has been through 13 years of addiction with him so has a lot of pent up resentment, hurt and anger. As a result his stress on an emotional level has quadrupled, and instead of talking to me and telling me, he relapsed about 2 weeks ago. just a lapse though, 2 days, and not a full blown relapse. i got him back to his councilor and psychologist the very next day and have been making sure he takes his meds everyday as the doc said. Three days ago though the ex and he have been at it again, her wanting to sue for sole custody and him not knowing how to stop her. he is fast headed for another relapse and i have no idea how to help him as he insists on dealing with these things on his own. the trust in our relationship is gone. i don't know how much more of this i can take. 3 years ago this month i divorced my ex, who is also a recovering addict. Please, any advice will be most welcome


Posts: 21299
Joined: October 17, 2003


Posted: September 19, 2013, 8:12 AM
NellyS,

Check out the Families/Partners of Addicts forum. There you can find others who have gone through similar struggles.

The Moderators
Annie






Posted: September 23, 2013, 3:45 PM
I started dating a guy 7 months ago that I had met three years prior to February. We both had just gotten out of relationships and he came in town one weekend and we hit it off and were together ever since. Well the past 6 weeks have been hell. He supposedley ran into his ex girlfriend, which i don't think is true. Anyway, he told me he still had feelings for her and he was confused on what was going on in his head. He wanted me to bear with him and give him some space so he could process it and work through so we could be together. I agreed but later said no that i didn't want to be with someone who was not confident they wanted to be with me. For 6 weeks I tried to break it off and he kept manipulating me into staying with him. So, I cheated on him, it was my out. I was open and honest about it. He flew off the handle, called my ex-husband and told him lies about me. Also, he called my friends work trying to get him fired. All he had been working on his relationship with his ex. She was at his house the majority of the past 6 weeks. Her and I had a face to face talk. She is a nice girl and so am I. I genuinely think he was confused but he did not need to do what he did or react the way he did. He has caused damage to me that is unacceptable. Can someone give me some insight on this behavior?
Bamma






Posted: October 11, 2013, 11:01 AM
I was married to a very abusive alcoholic and drug addict for 20 years only to realize that he was just as abusive sober. I left and knew I had to fix me and my line of thinking. I did that and I have now met a man that is a recovering meth addict/alcoholic that I swore I would have nothing to do with. That changed over time and I decided to date him slowly knowing that his recovery had to come FIRST! I know I never want to meet the old him. I will stand by his side and support him in all of the meetings and sponsorships that he pursues. He stays very active in the program and is giving back in hopes of helping someone else. Now some of you may think I am nuts to even get into this relationship, but I have gone in knowing I can't fix anything broken in him and with my eyes wide open. Something I have never done before. All I can add is just be aware and take a chance on love. I never thought I would again and I have never been happier!
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