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The Jello Aquarium
Posted: August 6, 2011, 4:06 AM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



I couldnt help it.....LOL
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Posted: August 6, 2011, 7:26 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: November 30, 2009



LOL

What the he*l?

Is this a new drink? A band?

Con, now I gotta google that.
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Posted: August 6, 2011, 8:01 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: November 30, 2009



Con, I looked it up. Ya mean with the gummy fishes in it? You can eat it!!!!!!!!!!!

Jello is the perfect food.

Gummy bears. You have the real ones there correct? Supposedly ours are just a knock off of the real ones.

For all I know this has nothing to do with your post. LOL Got me interested.

Stay chill, Con. You're doing good I think!

BTW, my friend reminded me the other day we've been clean now for many years. Quite the miracle. Summer I think gets her and I freaked and we're reminded of he*l on earth.
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Posted: August 6, 2011, 4:37 PM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



ROFLMAO....Rosie said she felt like she was doing the tango through an aquarium full of jello and half a dozen Portuguese Man O' War "....we needed a misery name...since were all feeling SOOOO good lately...LMAO.....you looked it up ????...Im dying...I love you Brynn...between you and Rosie I cant stop laughing....really...when i grow up I want to be both of u !




This post has been edited by constantine on August 6, 2011, 4:44 PM
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Posted: August 6, 2011, 7:07 PM


Posts: 108
Joined: August 1, 2011



Effin' hilarious! I was in such a complete s*** mood when I wrote that!

It's great that you completely turned it around for me and simultaneously called me on my whining crap.

Additionally, I had no idea there was a real thing called a jello aquarium!!!!

Funny, funny, funny! I wish my real life was as fun as this board...I wouldn't miss drugs at all!

--------------------
"I'm so miserable without you that it's almost like you're here"
-A Country Song


"Catch an eyeful, catch an earful, and don't drop what you have caught."
-William Carlos Williams
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Posted: August 6, 2011, 10:13 PM


Posts: 2593
Joined: August 18, 2005





Rosie said she felt like she was doing the tango through an aquarium full of jello and half a dozen Portuguese Man O' War "....
Rosie-
I know this analogy is too deep to come from a country song
****
love&respect
jack

--------------------
"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
— Hunter S. Thompson[COLOR=blue]
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Posted: August 7, 2011, 3:46 AM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



oh no, not in a million years Rosie was i trying to call you on whining...i am the queen of whining and here it is permitted...you go right ahead and whine your little heart out.. .if we cant say how rotten we feel here then there is NO where we can....i just loved the jello aquarium analogy....it fits...hell, some days that's exactly how it feels...just trying to dance through jello and everyone else got the steps on how to do it but me...i just never could have thought of such a creative way to say it...you made me laugh at myself as i was sitting there sweating and every inch of my body aching...see, i can seriously do some whining...how r u by the way ? Is the worst over or are u still in the sticky jello phase ? oh oh...you've got me thinking like jello now...its like the world is a jello aquarium and im one of those fishes Brynn was talking about stuck in it....oh that visual is not kind...i wonder what flavor fish i would be in the jello...for that matter...what flavor jello would it be...yup...wayyyy too deep for country western songs jack....and yup...time for my meds....

This post has been edited by constantine on August 7, 2011, 3:48 AM
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Posted: August 7, 2011, 12:38 PM


Posts: 108
Joined: August 1, 2011



I feel like utter dog s***. I'm going on an eight mile hike at Amicolola Falls. Then I will eat junk food and vomit before I go to Costco, then bed. At some very indistinct point in the future, this will ALL be worth it.

Right?!?

--------------------
"I'm so miserable without you that it's almost like you're here"
-A Country Song


"Catch an eyeful, catch an earful, and don't drop what you have caught."
-William Carlos Williams
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Posted: August 7, 2011, 3:01 PM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



Rosie; i'd ask why your out climbing mountains but then again im out riding around the country side on a bicycle so i wont...i'll just put it down to absolute insanity for lack of any other reasons...and YES....you know its going to be worth it...you know it...though i suppose im not in any position to advocate at the moment...so lets just say its going to feel great to not HAVE to pick up to just feel normal anymore...you;ll be free...thats as good a reason as any...and your almost there...keep your head up...as they always tell me around here...your worth it...and you are...and so isnt your family...they sound like people who it would be good to be able to give alot of time too instead of a dealer...sending you staying power...since i have none these days i might as well make sure one of us gets it ...!! Hang in there !

This post has been edited by constantine on August 7, 2011, 3:03 PM
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Posted: August 7, 2011, 6:56 PM


Posts: 108
Joined: August 1, 2011



Crazy day. A single-car accident happened on the highway in front of us, the woman's car spun out, hit the median wall, and bounced back out into the left lane facing into traffic. We stopped to help, amazing how many people didn't even slow down. Of all the dozens of cars that were on the road when it happened, only three cars stopped.

When the paramedics got there they kept asking if I had been in the wreck, too. Finally, one of them handed me some sterile irrigant and some gauze, points at my left leg. Apparently, crawling around in the broken windshield glass when I got in the car to help had left me with some little cuts. I was completely oblivious.

Astounding how quickly things can change. For all of us. In any given moment we just might be a breath away from living a life or dying a death that was unimaginable when we got up and brushed our teeth this morning. It really is important to be grateful for every bit of life we're granted, huh?

--------------------
"I'm so miserable without you that it's almost like you're here"
-A Country Song


"Catch an eyeful, catch an earful, and don't drop what you have caught."
-William Carlos Williams
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Posted: August 8, 2011, 2:41 AM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



wow....thats so scary!...was she hurt badly ?..bless u for stopping ...ya, all the every day struggles get pretty silly looking when something like that happens...makes you think...there was a fire in the house behind us some years ago...it went up like a torch...we all ran to help pull whoever we could out...you dont think in situations like that...you just do...get all rubber legged later...probably why u didnt even notice you had been cut....its a crime not to stop here in germany if there is an accident, one of the few rules i like...wow Rosie...how are u ?
That had to be really scary...

Jess ??...hey lady...you still out there ?...how re you doing too ?...just wondering if your ok and how things are going...check in for a minute if you can...i know you got your hands full but im thinking of you...thinking of you both....

i'd be lying if i said i was behaving...i even asked my partner yesterday is she would be terribly upset if i went and got something ...dont ask me why im asking...she didnt get crazy either...just said try if u can...guess theres a point where she knows its not worth fighting over anymore...i dont know...were going home for a week in a few days...just not ready to deal with everyone there i suppose yet... overwhelming in a way...weak excuse..i know..doing my best to hang in there....

This post has been edited by constantine on August 8, 2011, 2:42 AM
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Posted: August 8, 2011, 6:37 AM


Posts: 108
Joined: August 1, 2011



Oh, sorry! Yes, the woman was ok. Very, very lucky. Some contusions, her sternum will probably be righteously sore today. She was still in a bit of shock when we left her with the medics and I suppose it's an outside possibility that she might have had an intracranial bleed or some organ damage that wasn't manifesting at that point.

Where is "home" for you, Con? US or elsewhere?

Yeah, Jess, where are you? Hope things are ok with you...

--------------------
"I'm so miserable without you that it's almost like you're here"
-A Country Song


"Catch an eyeful, catch an earful, and don't drop what you have caught."
-William Carlos Williams
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Posted: August 8, 2011, 10:01 AM


Posts: 257
Joined: May 20, 2011



LOL! Jello Aguarium! THAT is perfect. Thanks for asking about me....Gosh I cant even remember what I wanted to say. lol. Thats why I feel 'Jello Aquarium" is so perfect I feel absolutely stuck sometimes...I dont know what is going on with me. Sometimes I feel like Im living someone elses life. Im the mom that all the kids love. Im immature, I play video games, I bake cookies, make big pots of pasta when they are hungery and Im there for them, I talk to them like I care...cause I do. But in my head Im like "Who is this person?" Baking cookies? Really?....I dont mean to leave it like this, I have to go do something and my computer is still not working right so it will dissapper if I dont post it. I will write more later. Hope you guys are ok.
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Posted: August 8, 2011, 11:29 AM


Posts: 257
Joined: May 20, 2011



Ok, Im back. I had to sneak off and smoke a cig while noone was looking. It is bad hiding my smoking from everyone. It makes me feel like Im doing something really bad like smoking crack. I run around feeling sneaky and guilty.
Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, I feel like an imposter in my own life...I dont even know what else to say about that. I feel like a crack head w**** playing house...ok that was a little harsh but in my brain Im always having all these very vivid flashbacks...and its like Im here cooking, cleaning, going to Volly Ball games and trying to act sooo normal and my brain is always in some nightmare...I know I need help...but that requires me going out of the house more than I have to right now...Im so sick of starting over with new therapist and then they leave, or the funding gets cut or they tell me they wont see me anymore cause I wont go to thier stupid little groups...DUH! I dont do "groups" of people all in one place, kinda the whole point of the therapy...The only time the old me comes out is when I get mad or when my sons friends are dumb enough to try to call drug dealers in front of me. I guess they think they are talking in some kinda code that moms arent suppose to understand. My son gets so imbarressed when I call his friends on thier sh**...You would think he would warn them. LOL! I get imbaressed when I get mad though. I try so hard not to revert to that person but when I am mad or scared ghetto girl comes out. UGH! So imbaressing. I dont even know how I got on all this. I am rambling.
Hey Rosiegirl, Loved what you said about gratitude. I know thats what really keeps me sober. Even when I am going through alot...I was really messed up out there. I was one of those crazy chicks who are so sleep deprived ya see them talking to themselves on a corner...ya that was me. I was homeless, hungry, crazy, in danger every day so now everyday I wake up in a bed, clean, not starving, not sick...almost sane. LOL I am just so grateful. Getting to help my daugter get ready for juinor prom was amazing. :) I dont want to miss anything else. Im so grateful that I get to be here for my kids. Even the bad stuff. Got 2 court dates coming up. One for each son and Im just so grateful that they KNOW I will be there for them. Even if I will be freaking out cause strangers sit sooo close...but I will be there.
Con, :) Flavors of fish and jello, huh? LMFAO. You made my day. Im so glad you guys are here. Ive been feeling a little lost lately....Im just glad I have you guys as friends even if you are in a computer......or in a jello aquarium. LOL! Have a great day!
HEY! Both of you keep your heads up. "you can do this and you ARE worth it"
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Brynda
Posted: August 8, 2011, 10:24 PM







Man, how crazy am I? Here i go googling the thing. I say we all have to make a Jello aquarium.

The funniest is Jack says about the country &western tune.

Jess, exactly I know what you mean about being an imposter. It's like you're watching someone else live a "normal" life, right? Like you're watching yourself in a movie. I remember that. I used to wonder no matter how small the task was or the function I was at if people "KNEW". Like do they "know" I'm a junkie? They must. Truth is they don't and it does get easier the more time you put in. You should truly be proud of yourself.

Oh plus people calling dealers around you? The "kids"? That is tough. My friend who used to post here who has been clean for years like me. Same thing with her son. Hard to handle. You're doing good. Hey, if a ciggie is your vice so be it. Got ya too on "groups". never my thing either. Counsling though is good. Gotta have the right one.

Hiya Rosie. Nice to meet you. Hoping your leg is O.K. Maybe that accident was a sign sort of. Like "flashing sign" SEE THIS ROSIE IT CAN ALL GO DOWN THIS QUICK. Ya done good.

Bike rides? Mountain climbing? I'm hanging wash, food shopping and trying to survive in what is fast becoming my ghetto of a neighborhood. Only excercise I'm getting is tromping up and down the steps or sweeping and bleaching the curb. hey I'm clean though. In all ways:)

Rosie, you sooooooooooooo gotta coin that phrase. The best of it all is The Portugese Man O' War. On my honeymoon where I never should have been cause I never should have been married they had signs to not swim because of those things. It was eons prior to me doing drugs. However, didn't I just go right in that water. Maybe a death wish? Defiant?

Rosie, you're a good writer. Good imagery. You should use that.

Yeah in real life if we were all sitting around we'd laugh our a*ses off. "Look at us recovering folls, but we're clean". Life is funnier clean. Recovering addicts are som of the funniest people ever. Gotta amuse ourselves somehow.

Well thanks for sharing. I swore it was a new cocktail. "So yeah I was at the club and throwing back some jello aquariums". BWAHAHAHA Man, google that s*it. Look at the pictures. Cute idea. No doubt I'd screw it up.

Glad it all turned out good and the lady in the accident is O.K.

Peace chica's. Stay straight. Keep your head up. If bored we can make a song up for Jack.
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Posted: August 9, 2011, 2:43 AM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



Good Morning all,
shopped til i dropped yesterday...new shoes Brynn !...ok, they were cheapys and they were running shoes/sneakers..becuz wife says walking in the ones i got wont do... don't know jack (sorry Jack) about sneakers sad to say...i always end up buying shoes for work and haven't any play shoes..its either boots, bare feet, sandals or heels...so i was forced to buy these sneaker walking things...but their cute...as cute as these things i suppose can be...but still...ya know...shoes...went to an almost actual mall out of here in Bayreuth...about an hour away...I live out in Bavaria Rosie..and believe me its not my choice...I have lived for 23 years in Germany, in a place where they're lots of vineyards, the Rhine river, civilization, and i think its beautiful...we moved to Bavaria about a year ago when my wife finally got a job... ok, beggars cant be choosers...its pretty out here..but its like being in the middle of the Ozarks ...i like rural and all that, but this is a little extreme ...i swear if they knew dueling banjos i would hear it...in Bavarian of course...who knows maybe they do... anyways, so it was a treat to go shopping in a regular store...whoohoo...small things, ya know.... that's why you only hear from me when your asleep Rosie...im on a different timezone..across the pond in Europe..different time zone indeed, like twilight time zone maybe...lol...

Oh Jess, exactly...its such a weird feeling isn't it ?...its like being two people sometimes...there i am all dressed up doing the job thing and Im like ...how can this possibly be me ?...its hard sometimes to know who the real one is...my sponsor said something i liked...he said...find the healthy part of yourself and hang on to it...so i guess the healthy part of us is the one that's making cookies, going to work and being kind to the kids...im glad other people feel the same way like that...i mean really...sometimes im like WTF am i doing and who do i think i am...I hope your right Brynn...that it goes away someday or gets less...its really a fractured feeling...guess were not use to feeling or being healthy...i don't see anything wrong taking time to play a video with your kids or baking them some cookies...i don't think its immature...i think its called quality time...and they will remember it when they're older...how you had the time to focus on them and give some fun...oh, and when im angry ?...lol...the same...brash, foul mouthed, and then silent ice cold...f*** you and then fix..ok...without the fix hopefully...but...its a reflex....have to work on being angry a different way..use to being on the defensive and surviving for too many years...it gets better i think after awhile when the need to protect yourself isn't as great...when you start to trust life and people a bit more...but hell, it takes time...its something we have to practice at....give yourself a break...cant learn and do everything at once...your doing so good...and you've come so so far...you'll get there...me too i hope one of these days...nothing to be ashamed about...it would be more shaming if you did it and didn't know you were doing it...see...you're already half way there because you KNOW a different way to behave and your catching yourself...just practice Jess...at least that's what they tell me...its the fear kicking in...when we realize that then its easier to stop ourselves...not from being angry, but by displaying it different...i think you sound way normal and way way on the right road...sometimes i feel like when its really good i need to screw it up so i feel more comfortable... that's a bad habit of mine...im so not use to having things nice and normal...its a flashback of times when i guess i needed to struggle...a reflex...a fear that if i don't bad things will happen...its nonsense i know that in my head...but harder than crap to actually believe...
im so glad you all are here too...days when if this wasn't here i would just cry endlessly...ya i know its a computer but your my friends and that's that...when im feeling so lost its like a miracle...well one more day and im going back home...nervous about it...we'll see...im bringing my little notebook computer im on now so i can stay connected...fear is definitely kicking in...i don't think ive ever dealt with my in laws and all the friends there without being strung out enough to not let anything bother me...so im kind of nervous...that and the fact that im freezing one minute and then sweating like an idiot the next...im still really torn whether i should just say to hell with it all and just go way back up on my dose and forget this insanity...maybe i will be able to make a more informed decision after this...i know it would be better than wanting to bang all the time...s***, im dreaming about needles again...but a really stubborn part of me wants to see it through.... don't think i have ever been so incapable of making a decision before...i think also the hep c plays a part...maybe want to see if i can get healthier off the methadone and everything...just keeping on hoping every day i start to feel better.... anyways...later fellow flavor jello fish....a song ?...LOL Brynn...they can run it in High Times...do they even have that magazine still ?...

con

This post has been edited by constantine on August 9, 2011, 2:54 AM
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Posted: August 9, 2011, 4:07 AM


Posts: 2593
Joined: August 18, 2005



Bryn>>
Bike rides? Mountain climbing? I'm hanging wash, food shopping and trying to survive in what is fast becoming my ghetto of a neighborhood

I hear ya kiddo- - The neighborhood I used to live in when I first moved to Jersey - was getting more and more scary every day. We had the homeless shack -behind the dunkin do-nuts. All the billboards turned to Spanish, and right before I moved upstairs from Chickie- - like 20 teens killed a wino about 4 blocks from my apt. The same apt, where I used to park little old honda (in was a dead end st)- that was stolen TWICE in the same month.
Meanwhile , the hood where I grew up in NY- got more and more hip- -Chelsea, is now one expensive ,desireable place to live.-But when the City and Landlord fought for the end of rent control (it had to do with the amount of yrs you were there and other sh=t) my folks moved across the river. I made a short try to live in the Bronx- BUT ALAS I couldnt pull it off (drug habit and all didnt help a bit)

So in the end- its upstairs in Chickies house- - Its weird but like you know- -I got weird wired**

So keep buying those cloth pins so you can stretch it to the neighbors, pick up loosies at the bodega,s and take the safest way home

peacein/peaceout/
jack

--------------------
"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
— Hunter S. Thompson[COLOR=blue]
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Posted: August 9, 2011, 5:01 AM


Posts: 108
Joined: August 1, 2011



Holy tadpoles, I don't even know where to begin responding...

Jess: Good to hear from you and glad things are going reasonably well for you these days. I can relate to so much of what you write, especially about your kids. Somehow I've managed to maintain a good relationship with all of mine and they've turned out pretty stellar thus far but...I also know they carry the scars of me and what I've been. As a mother, I'd like to say they are amazing because of me but the truth is really that they are who they are in spite of me. It comes out in funny ways, too. I'll be going along, thinking all of my secrets are going with me to the grave and then my oldest daughter says (in front of a dozen other volunteers at a public function), "Mama, you are so FUNNY when you drink. I mean, you're always kinda funny in an ironic way but you're silly funny when you drink." Oh, the burning shame of those other mommies looking at me. I'm already something they're wary of, something about me makes it clear that I am other than what they are. What's really pathetic is the first thing that came to my mind as a retort to their stares was, "Oh, she's so silly. I'm really a pill junkie. She just doesn't know the difference between drunk and high yet. Ciao, ladies, see y'all at the fundraiser!" That, and I also had to fight back the urge to point out that they're no better than me because, clearly, at least five of them go home and drown their sorrows with Haagen Dazs and deep-fat fried cheese. And if you had asked me that very day if I thought I might have a "problem" I would have spit lasers about how totally together I am and what an absurd thing to ask. Jess, I really admire you. There are so many people who would be pinned to the ground by shame and wouldn't even try to make things right with their children. The easiest thing to do is run and you're not running.

Brynn: Nice to meet you, too! Con keeps comparing us so it's nice to finally swap words. Your posts are always a good read. It's an odd feeling exchanging thoughts with so many people on this board; I just read them for so long and I'm still adjusting to getting responses. Yeah, the car wreck. I was out of my head that day anyway, but that was one of those things that made time slow down. When I crawled in the car with her it was just a Picasso of sensations: the choking, acrid smell of the chemicals from the airbags, other cars flying past her side mirror 24-inches away, the horn stuck and blaring, and then those big, liquid brown eyes turning toward me and soft voice saying her own name with a lilting question mark to punctuate it. Isn't it funny how you can have multiple layers of clear, coherent thought all running at the same time in those situations? In my head I was simultaneously assessing her, pissed off that I left my stethoscope in the other car, awestruck by how fast it happened, pondering the existential meaning of it all, and so grateful that I was able to help and not just stand by wondering if I was watching someone die. Does that ever happen to any of you? Sometimes I wonder if that very process isn't where PTSD starts, though. It's so much and so vivid all at once that some part of you has to sublimate higher thought processes and then some of the trauma gets relegated to the more primitive parts of the brain. But yeah, Brynn, I absolutely took it as a head's-up from the Infinite.

Con: Oh, do keep trying! I feel a little stupid saying that, given I'm still too chicken to delete certain phone numbers, but I think you might feel better when you're off the methadone. And it sounds like it's important to you to try. I'm still wrapping my head around the concept of substance replacement. I get that it saves you from withdrawal, but do you still feel drugged? Do you still feel reliant on a substance? I think it would be harder for me to do something like suboxone or methadone, I'm as addicted to being addicted as I am to any particular substance. I would probably start trying to find a way to misuse those, too. Oh, you mentioned the other day that you asked your wife if she'd be upset if you went and got something...did you go? If you didn't, what stopped you? I'm still at that point where I don't trust myself at all (because I know a sneaky little rationalizing dirtbag dwells somewhere in my cranium) and I am so desperate to learn how one gets through those moments. I think you're just amazing and I'm rooting for you harder than you can imagine.
*Bavaria!!!* How cool is that!!! How did you end up in Germany? I'm sending my 15-yr old daughter to Germany next June for three weeks and we'll have a German student here with us this fall. Bicycling in Bavaria. In your real life, not a vacation. I'm so stinkin' jealous. The color of my aquarium in this moment is electric chartreuse green.

--------------------
"I'm so miserable without you that it's almost like you're here"
-A Country Song


"Catch an eyeful, catch an earful, and don't drop what you have caught."
-William Carlos Williams
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Posted: August 9, 2011, 8:05 AM


Posts: 755
Joined: June 25, 2005



Rosie,

Those numbers must be erased ASAP. It's imperative you avoid all people, places and things that will stimulate a trigger.
How are you feeling? You should be on the up and up now. Every day will be better than the last.

CB, how are you feeling? Hope all is smooth in Chloe-ville.

--------------------
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99
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Posted: August 10, 2011, 3:32 AM


Posts: 1562
Joined: January 4, 2008



Moin,
my apologies for the following rant and whine...its me today that's feeling miserable...and so guilty im squirming... i wish i could avoid all the people places and things in my life that would trigger me right now for sure...but i would have to live on a isolated planet somewhere in a totally isolated solar system ..or maybe a jello aquarium that changes color with how im feeling...a mood jello aquarium...i got pretty desperate yesterday...even emailed someone i shouldn't to ask if they knew anyone...i finally went and upped a bit of my dose before i went off the walls all together....not much of it left on the xtra side now and thats scary... so far im doing lousy with all of this...my wife is so all excited about going home and im just so not i guess...we had a huge argument and i was so ready to get in the car...but i guess i know better somehow because common sense kicked in and i decided copping off the street again and again in this tiny little village of a town wasn't the brightest of the bright ideas i could get...so of course i had an even "brighter" idea and decided to call/email around looking for someone who might know someone...talk about insane...so even though ive thrown all the numbers to the" weatherman" out and im 500 ks from my old stomping grounds...if im looking and decide i want something...i'll figure out a way...yes...its more difficult and it helps that its a pain in the a** and i can hope by the time im done looking the craving passes...but i also know i can get in the car and show up somewhere too...im so in that in-between place right now...methadone not high enough to keep me from thinking about it or from craving it like an insane person and low enough now that i can use on it...holy crap...i know...no body has to tell me i need to figure this out soon...the taper is suppose to start again dropping me down a ml every 2 weeks i think next week...has it been a month yet ?...feels like only a day since they raised my dose...and im heading home tomorrow...probably why im trying to pick fights about it...im scared s***less to go there...talk about people, places and things...my aquarium is strobing bright red with sirens....and to top it all off...my sponsor checked in by email this morning...radar ?....yes Con, pick up the phone...yes, i know what to do...so why am i not doing it ?...why ?....when i know every single good reason to do the right thing and i wont...im such a loser ...crap crap crap....i cant trust myself for even 2 seconds anymore...what the fck am i going to do when im off the methadone ?...holy s***...nothing is working anymore...and please don't say i can do it...because obviously i cant...the only solution i know at the moment is to stop the taper all together and get myself under control...which im fighting like hell because really, a piece of me just wants to use...which i know is being caused by the taper/low dose... lovely cycle of chaos...aauughh.....thanks for listening to the same old s*** again...i'll work my way out of this somehow...

Rosie, your a doc ?....how cool is that...Jess...i miss ya....and im sorry im so scattered today peeps...

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