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Posts: 1
Joined: February 24, 2015
Posted: February 24, 2015, 9:18 AM
hello my name is jessika,
for the past 7 years i have been almost a daily user at the strongest part of my diction i was doing at least 7 grams of cocaine a day almost 4 years ago i got pregnant with my daughter josie i head almost 3 years clean time when my youngest sons father decided to beat the crap out of me well i was 8 months pregnant with my son lucas things happening in very volatile between us and i finally broke i reverted back to the one thing that always help me cope before i ended up going on a 3 day bender and spending about 900 dollars on cocaine i also decided to start using heroin at this timemonday came around i had to go to the doctor to get checked out for the baby and i feel so horrible for relapsing i told my doctor and ask for help the doctor immediately check mental hospital and called cps i have my son that following thursday he was born fine no withdrawals no drugs in the system how i don't know we both tested queen long story short cps decided because of my own testimony to remove my children from my home that was december 2013 lahore following year and still continuing i've had the hardest time staying clean the first 8 months i was still with my son's father who continued to isolate me, control my every move aswell as increasingly increasingly got more violennt mentally and physically. I finally got the courage to leave him in August and moved in with a friends parents. My my friend was heavily in his addiction inme not having my children leaving on me and i was very much in love with regardless of the abuse a man who i had had over 2 years just me and him because of how much she controlled my life i planted further into my addiction of heroin it was until december 10 november i finally got the courage and i went to rehab in california i stayed for 30 days and was doing really well for the first time ever i went to na meetings and really fell in love with them i finally had a little bit of help for me getting sober um i feel the passion about being sober while i was there but the problem was rehab was a plastic bubble the safety zone it's easier to stay sober when you're every moment every move is controlled all day everyday and everyone around you is sober as well when i came home the freedoms and the lack of any support was too much for me the only person i knew outside of my children's father and family who have basically sworn me off what is my drug dealer it wasn't you weeks of me being home and i relapsed since then i have been going back and forth between staying sober going to meanings and not having any hope and reverting back to drugs i'm at the end of my cps case i have 5 weeks to either have a clean drug screen i lose my children forever i don't understand why i cannot stay disciplined enough to stay clean for them my children are the love of my life it is so hard though just a clean one my wife has just been all one tragedy after another one hurt after another and all i hear all the time from anyone that should matter or that i should matter to you estelle horrible person i am angel never changes um well brother told me that he wishes i would just disappear and never return it was really sad about that is that he is the one who got me started with cocaine i have noticed some changes as far as my thinking goes i am stronger than i used to be and i have been making somewhat better choices i am no longer using heroin i am on suboxone i'm active in therapy. And i have no longer been stealing lying staying out late and i've been holding myself more accountable the only problem i have if i cannot shake discouragement and the feeling of worthlessness i have i feel like i have no hope because when im sober i'm trying to get there and finding that i don't need to hear all the bad things about me all the bad things i've done you know i need i need someone to acknowledge the pc and trying to do the right thing and with the right way i feel like it doesn't matter whether i do good or bad the damage i have created will never go away even if i get sober for a lifetime and make something of myself yeah i might matter to me but i don't even know if i'll ever get my kids back every man i've ever been would have loved his middle yusuf my own family has turned their back on me my biggest fear right now if i lose my children it'll be the last thing i care about enough to not kill myself because every single day anymore i literally fight in struggle with myself not to swallow all the bells of pills i'm on right now for my bipolar and sleeping and everything the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the thought that i have my children back one day but that is going to be impossible if i keep doing drugs i am hoping that somebody on here might of had a similar situation i'm obsessed with the cocaine i'm obsessed with not feeling the pain of my lifei'm obsessed with the feeling it gives me of energy motivation for once i feel productive i don't wanna lose my kids i don't wanna be a drug addict river i like going to meetings that's not enough has anyone been successful in getting clean off cocaine and if so how did you do it can you please break it i down for me day by day trip by step please help me not only would you be hope you like me with my children saving my life in doing a service doesn't start of the 12 steps we're supposed to share a story to help others honestly today if i can do not kill myself please give me some help feel free to e-mail me as well or text me please no weirdos i really need help Thank you and God bless Jessa Jessika.Koehl@yahoo.com 317-502-6527 | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: February 24, 2015, 9:42 AM
Jessa, are you attending NA meetings?
Bob -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 1
Joined: February 24, 2015
Posted: February 24, 2015, 12:40 PM
Well I was but i have not been going for a few weeks i really don't know any are in my area i was going when i was in california i live in indiana and i don't really know any na meetings are but i really really need to get that involved with it i just don't even know how to look for them
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: February 24, 2015, 12:58 PM
Click on "find a meeting" http://www.na.org/
It will save your life. Bob -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 24, 2015, 2:50 PM
Hi Jessica, i have never used cocaine or heroin so i'm sorry i cannot give you advice on that particular drug- i am an alcoholic and have been addicted to pain pills- i have experienced the complete emptiness and wondering what is the point- i have been there - the past will haunt you if you let it- cut it lose-it's done - we cannot change it- we cannot change what people think about us- thats their problem- you gotta take care of you Jessica- you gotta get your kids back-thats what is important- f.....k the people that want to critisize you- your doing this for you and your kids-no-one else matters- did you care about what they thought when you were using ? no ! so why worry now- i gave up worrying about whatever people thought of me along time ago- it was killing me - trying to impress other people- f....k them - i am an alcoholic and drug addict- i try to stay sober and clean every day for me- because i chose to - you can do this - you can beat this crap- go for ir Jessica - GET CLEAN -STAY CLEAN and get your kids back- thats what matters- keep posting on here -you will get lots of support and no judgement- just help-your not alone Jessica - we have been there- keep asking for help-you will make it- best of luck - let us know how you are getting on-
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: February 25, 2015, 8:29 AM
Hello
Jessica i am a recovering addict...i have 3 months clean...it is doable...yes..but it is tough...you need to want to stop. You need to work daily on your recovery. This is a lifetime disease. Yes. we are sick. we are not like normal people. when you stop working on your recovery, the disease will win. you need to work every single day on yourself. For me...what worked. I got myself a sponsor that i am very comfortable with. I can share anything with. I worked and continue to work the 12 steps of AA/NA. I express gratitude and try to appreciate my life daily.My sponsor helps alot. i chat with her frequently and she sends me loads of videos. I would recommend you watching videos on positivity. it is doable...there is a way out from this hell. But you need to work hard. If you cannot stop on your own, maybe you can start by in patient treatement i would love to help you, so if you need anything : this is my e-mail: ***Please don't post personal contact information.*** thank you, the moderators This post has been edited by moderator on February 25, 2015, 9:01 AM | ||
Posts: 10
Joined: May 3, 2015
Posted: May 4, 2015, 1:48 PM
Hi beautifuldisaster90,
Your story sounds very similar to mine and I think lots of people reading would agree that they know exactly where your coming from and can relate to you in a big way. I cannot stress how important it is for you to understand you are not on your own! There are people out there like me and many others on this forum and beyond that know and understand you. I've literally just posted my story which is my first post around 30 mins ago.... There are some great people here that have plenty of advice and guidance to give or just be someone to read what you are going through and relate... Best of luck Big G | ||
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Posted: May 5, 2015, 5:33 PM
It's day by day. We focus on the good stuff and let the bad stuff fall off our shoulders. That happy place starts in our heads and hopefully moves TO our hearts.
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